WHEN I HAD YOU

Tae|

2years ago

Hoots and screams of my name filled the auditorium from people happy with my valedictorian speech. I felt proud of myself for earning a standing ovation from everyone, including my teachers. The scholars who’d helped me achieve my high school qualifications with honours. I gave the crowd my best bow and got my eyes to meet my best friend’s. He was in a sea of familiar students and other friends, but it was only him I was focused on. He gave his best smile and winked at me in the effort to stand out and outdo the crowd as my best friend.

I made my way over to shake the principal’s hand with a big smile on my face. I was evidently still affected by my best friend’s contagious smile. He had this delightfully pretty and nirvana smile I was weak at. I loved him most when he smiled at me. His entire face would light up with life. My stomach would turn with somersaults at the sight. And the way his eyes would crinkle, making him look like the most innocent bunny in heaven, made it a weapon of its own. Simply put, his smile was a weapon against my very being.

After leaving the Principal, I went over to a group holding up their yearbooks for me to sign. After a while, my hand cramped but I couldn’t be rude so I kept on flicking the pen book after book. “Will you and Ga-eul be going to the same school?” One girl asked of me and my best friend.

Instead of answering, I pat her shoulder in distraction and complimented her hair. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Ga-eul standing, smiling at his phone by the school gate. I knew he was waiting for me, so I hurried up my penmanship. My phone vibrated and with one hand supporting the book in my hand, I used to other to swish the phone from my pocket.

Ga-eul

Leave the reigns of your fangirls and come give your best friend some love.

Read: 4:38pm

Handing the book back, I apologetically left the bevvy of girls that weren’t ready to let me leave yet and jogged towards him.

“Tsk tsk?” He mocked me in good humour as he placed a bottle of water in my hands.

“Thanks.” I chuckled, chugged a few gulps of the water, and stared at him. I wanted to tell him, but I had to do somewhere private. I was so certain he felt the same way I did. After my confession to him, I felt convinced that he would confess back to me. We’d become boyfriends and we would kiss. I’d been waiting for this for too long. I couldn’t risk talking to him about this in public. Forcing us to kiss in public, the kiss to which would be cut short by girls screaming their joy at us.

The entire time I was staring at his face, he smiled brightly, swished an imaginary mane of hair behind his neck, and bat his lashes at me. “See something you like, honey?” he teased.

I took his wrist in my hand and led him to my jeep.

“Where are you taking me? I still have to drive us to our reservation for dinner.” He asked, his facial expression evidenced with curiosity.

Regardless, he let me lead him until we got in the car. I drove off toward the Devil’s edge. It was a cliff that sounded more dangerous than it actually was. In the daytime, on weekends, kids would play soccer there. The place was known to be patronized most by high school couples. A few minutes before we got there, my best friend Ga-eul placed his hand on my knee, telling me to stop the car. I could never refuse him, so I stopped the car.

“You’re driving in the opposite direction of the restaurant Tae.” he didn’t sound angry, just confused. “It has a six-month waitlist for reservations and if we’re late I’ll be blacklisted, and this dinner is for us to enjoy. Just the two of us....so where are you taking me Tae?”

Soft brown eyes deepened their stare on me. I could never lie to those eyes “Somewhere private. I have something I want to tell you before our dinner.”

“What is it Tae?”

Nervously, I took my hands off the wheel because this was going to change the dynamic of our friendship. I expected us to share a kiss after the confession, so I unbuckled my seatbelt. Not wanting to make it obvious why I was taking it off. I then looked at his face. That pretty face, unblemished with eyes ever so captivating, and his lips, the same lips I wanted on mine forever. I had to start speaking at some point.

“Tae are you ok?”

“You know I’m gay?” I started.

He nodded and eye-rolled, his eyes speaking the words everyone knows it’s no secret.

“You’re my best friend and I love you,” I said

He cut me off, resting his hand on my knee a little higher up. Wonderful tingles spread throughout my body. It was a very pleasurable feeling I wanted more of. “I love you too. You’re my best friend Tae,” he said.

“Yea, but what I mean is. I love you.” I felt my heart pick up speed, heat spread itself over my heart and went to warm the butterflies in my stomach. All the feelings swirling through me, his hand rubbing on my thigh, and all the times we’d spent together, encouraged me to get to the point. In a way, at only eighteen, I thought people wanted to be asked out.

So I went about my confession in the most embarrassing way possible. “I love you, as in you’re the one my heart beats for. You’re the one I want to build fires to keep you warm. You’re the one I want to kiss everywhere and more. If you feel the same way, I’d like you to be my boyfriend Ga-eul.”

He sat frozen in his seat and so I reached for my left jacket to pull out a jewellery box. It contained custom-made dog tags. I’d gone to a popular jeweller to get engraved with his favourite bible verse, our initials, and the title of our song kook just decided to call this our song a little over a year ago. I put them on around his neck smiling, happy, still keeping my ears up for a positive answer.

“Get your hands off me!!” Ga-eul growled, surprising me, then he continued, “dude I’m not gay, I’m getting out. This is insane. How could you? Grrr,” he growled, banging my car door.

I got out of the car to follow him, but when he saw me he yelled at me. Making heads turn to us, “Don’t you ever call me again. Please don’t text me, don’t look for me, ok? Dude, I’m not gay.” Not waiting for an answer, he turned his back to me, walking off, his ears red with anger. “Oh my God! What gave you that idea?” it wasn’t a question. He just stormed off like a stranger to me.

I stood in my tracks, seeing him get smaller and smaller with his next step. At that moment, I swear time stood still. A few students around had already taken their phones out. Live streaming the most heartbreaking and humiliating event of my teenage life.

My heart shattered, my self-esteem flattened, and my mind raced. How had I misread him? I knew he wasn’t gay, but from how he was with me, I assumed he could be bisexual or those other identities that could allow us to be a thing.

Later that evening, when I got home, I deleted his number and told my parents I was ready for America. I convinced them I was excited and eager to take off way ahead before American universities would open.

It hadn’t taken much for them to put me on the plane. All they were was concerned that I would miss my best friend. What they didn’t know was… we weren’t any longer.

So I left and forgot about him…