What is your opinion?
a lot to fix
"As it is your first story, its fine to make mistakes. This story needs more work to be done. check with punctuation and grammar part. I could see lot of spelling errors in your chapter. Do correct it. Tat's not actually a big deal. I guess you have a great story to narrate. But to present the story well, you need to improve with your grammar, spellings and much more. No worries... still you can give your best.. read a lot and lot and get some ideas. All the best for your next work."
Needs Work
"As your first story, it's perfectly normal to need a lot of work on your writing. It took me two years to get where I am now - and I still need to improve. Your story has potential for good characters, and I'm sure you could develop a fantastic plot. I have several suggestions and some constructive critique for you, however. Many first-time books start with a routine in the morning, describing how a character gets to e.g. school. If it's not that important, however, I'd suggest you leave that out and skip right to the first important scene for your book. Secondly, you don't need to tell us how much Lisa's grandfather loves her. Instead, give us a scene in which they interact. Show Lisa, her body language, and her grandfather's. Describe the smells, the senses, and use certain words to describe emotions instead of telling us, e.g. "Lisa felt wistful." or "Mr Jack Mason loved his daughter." Instead, e.g. write: "Mr Jack Mason watched his daughter walk away with a wistful smile, his eyes a warm chocolate. 'Don't get into too much trouble!" he called after her, his voice teasing. Lisa rolled her eyes, "Don't do that yourself!" With a chuckle, Mr Jack Mason turned away. He couldn't know that Lisa would meet her first love that day - or maybe he'd have had a long talk with her." So, show not tell. It can be difficult, especially at the start, but I'm sure you're capable. My third main point is your grammar. Pay attention to small and capital letters, commas, spaces between words and punctuation, tenses, and spelling! Your first chapter was riddled with mistakes - and a story with subpar grammar turns the reader away and slows the story pace down. I think you could become a great writer with time, determination - and with the ability to accept critique. I wish you much luck, and hope you won't give up. Nice first try though! Keep going!"
