Cat food
I work at a grocery store. Just some rundown Texas, Christian corporation where “ultimate service in the name of God” is essential. Fun fact I’m a little bit gay. Also, I don’t believe in God. So here I am with my sinning ass staring down thirty different brands of cat food in the middle of isle 3b, wondering, “why the fuck do we have so many brands of cat food?”. Then I go on to wonder, “why am I buying cat food when my cat just eats off my plate?” “why does he do it that? Maybe he thinks he’s human and wants human food. Maybe the food I get him is gross. Maybe I should get him new food.....eh he can eat peanut butter tonight” and then I ask myself, “am I going to eat tonight?” Sometimes I eat just so Sage thinks I’m normal. Because maybe if he sees me eat and he thinks it’s normal then maybe I am normal and that eating is normal and I won’t throw it up this time. I have this really weird relationship with food. Food is fucking good let me tell you, but it scares me. I don’t like what food does to me. It puts meat on bones that I’d like to keep boney. Simple as that.
Sage is fat. He’s a tubby boy. When I look at him waltzing around, strutting his chubby legs I wonder why can’t I do that. Having an eating disorder isn’t the same as wanting to be skinny. Having an eating disorder can be being skinny but still noticing every bit of fat on your body, having an eating disorder is feeling disgusting if you think you’ve over eaten. It’s not always bad though. Sometimes I have confidence that is unparalleled. It’s just that other times I’d rather wear a four size too big hoodie to hide the fact that my body exists. To give you an estimate as to what I look like. I’m blonde and short and I’m kinda skinny kinda not. I’m pretty average. Which sucks. Sometimes I just want someone to look at me and say “wow you’re skinny”. Maybe that’s too much to ask.
Last night I had Taco Bell. Sage watched me from his perch on the window as I ate the 340 calorie bean burrito. I felt like he was judging me. Not because I was eating a lot ,but because I hadn’t given him any yet. So I left half the burrito for him on the counter and went and made myself sick. Sage walked in while smacking his little cat lips and sat on the edge of the tub. It was like he was waiting for me. So instead of getting the rest of the food I ate back up, I picked up sage and went to cuddle with him while binge watching Modern Family.
