Happy Birthday!

Peter Parker's POV

Peter blinks himself awake. Where is he?

The cramped feeling and the cold, uniform walls tell him he’s in a box.

Which explains why he can’t see. Or move.

Hopefully the box isn’t airtight, or he’s going to go right back into unconsciousness with how fast he’s breathing.

Okay. Okay. Peter’s got this. He’s Spider-Man, he can get out of-

While he is wearing his suit, something is off. Running his hands over his body, Peter finds an odd anklet that seems like it’s made of metal.

And feels suspiciously similar to a power inhibitor.

This isn’t going to end well. He’s in a box, without his powers, god knows where. He needs to get to the bottom of this before whoever did this shows up.

Peter takes a deep breath. Okay. What’s the last thing he remembers?

Sitting on a rooftop with a sandwich... Spider-sense tingling, finishing the sandwich to go find out the danger-

then feeling nauseous and passing out.

Conclusion: Someone drugged his sandwich.

Parker Industries must have some kind of mole for someone to have been able to get to his food.

Muffled noises make their way closer to Peter. The hero stiffens, instantly alert.

He can only make out bits and pieces of the conversation...

“-birthday-” That voice is more feminine...

“-shouldn’t have-” That one sounds familiar... maybe Peter’s fought them before.

“-surface-” That's the first voice again...

“-bad mood... -missing-” The male voice- the familiar one... shoot. His captor(s?) being in a bad mood probably isn’t a good thing for him.

“-humans-” The female voice again... wait. Are these guys not human?

“-open it?” The familiar voice asks, sounding excited.

... is Peter some aliens birthday present? Because that’s all he’s managed to figure out.

There’s a muffled tearing sound, and the box jerks somewhat, sending Peter’s head crashing into a wall. He bites back his cry of pain, not wanting to give his captors any satisfaction.

The tearing continues. Peter’s nerves only grow. He clenches his fists, preparing to punch the first face as hard as he can.

“-Spider-Man wrapping paper-” The male voice mutters. Peter can barely make it out.

Who ever did the wrapping has a weird sense of humor.

The top of the box opens, and Peter punches upward as hard as he can.

“Ow!” The second voice complains.

Looks like Peter got his confirmation about the power inhibitor. The person should’ve gone flying.

A masked face peeks in, and Peter glares at it. Until who the mask belongs to registers.

"Deadpool?”

The man in question grins. “Spidey! Here, lemme help you out of here!”

Peter warily takes the man’s hand, and is quickly pulled to his feet.

They look to be in a dark brown cave. It looks nice, neat. The walls are uniform, and everything.

Peter glances around. A woman covered in purple marks stands nearby, studying him.

“Do you like your present?” The woman asks Deadpool.

Peter blinks. Okay. He is someone’s birthday present. Deadpool’s.

The merc nods. “I- yeah, I do. Just- did you kidnap him?”

“Yes. No one will be able to get him down here- he’s yours.” The woman smiles, flashing fangs. Because apparently she has fangs.

Peter glances over at Deadpool, nervously. “Um. I- I don’t belong to anyone. People aren’t supposed to own each other.” He tries to reason.

“You do now.” The woman smirks.

Peter looks to Deadpool, silently hoping he’ll let him go.

“I- Shiklah, are you sure?” Deadpool asks the woman.

“Yes. Go play with your new toy.” The woman- Shiklah, as Deadpool called her- agrees.

Peter narrows his eyes. “I’m not a-”

“Yes!” Deadpool interrupts, cheering. He grabs Peter by the arm, dragging him out of the room.

“W- wait a minute!” Peter demands.

His words are ignored.

“Deadpool, wait a minute! Stop!” Peter demands, trying to pry the man’s hands off him. Deadpool has been leading him through a maze of hallways, to god-knows where, ever since the moment he got confirmation from the woman.

“Nope! Mine now.” The merc doesn’t slow down.

“I- I am a human being! I don’t belong to anyone!” Peter argues.

“You are currently in another country ruled by a Queen- Shiklah. You’re in her territory. No one else can come in here without her permission. And if they do, they’ll probably be eaten by monsters. Parker’ll be fine- he can get another bodyguard.” Wade shoots back.

“I- ’Pool, you can’t just- people aren’t supposed to belong to other people! There was a war on this topic!”

Deadpool opens a door, and pulls Peter into a room. “I know.”

“Then let me go!”

Wade closes the door behind them.“I can’t.”

“Why not?” Peter demands.

“One: its rude to refuse a gift. Or to get rid of it. Shakilah wouldn’t react well to that and may track you down and kill you. Two: if I just ‘let you go’, you’ll be killed by monsters before you even get halfway there. Three: I... um... look, I never get presents. Ever. Not even on Christmas. And... well, I talk about you a lot. She... she payed attention to that, and tried to get me something she knew I’d like. And-”

“And so that’s a good reason to keep me here?” Peter interjects, staring at Wade is disbelief.

“I- Spidey, please try to understand-” Wade begs.

“Try to understand? Try to understand?! You’re holding me hostage because you’re lonely. That’s not fair! I have people I care about! People I need to protect! You can’t just-”

“Just what? Just be treated like I’m actually a person? Look, rules don’t work the same here. But I finally have somebody who cares about me. And that person tried to make me happy. So I’m not going to throw that back in her face.” Wade argues.

Peter deflates some.“... but I want to go home.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Not sorry enough, apparently.” Peter grumbles.

“Spidey, I-”

“I have people I care about! People who are going to worry! People who don’t know I’m Spider-Man! I can’t just vanish off of the face of the earth!” Peter interjects desperately.

“You won’t.” Wade promises.

“Yeah, I will.”

“This isn’t for ransom or something. Don’t you have a phone? The service sucks down here, but you’re smart enough to jury-rig something, right? You can facetime or skype people. Tell ’em you’re on a business trip with Parker, or protecting one of his assets.” Wade points out.

“I said they don’t know I’m Spider-Man!” Peter yells.

“Then come up with your own excuse.” Wade shoots back.

Peter takes a deep breath. “I... Wade, please. I want to go home. I need to go home!” He begs.

“I’m sorry, Baby-boy. I know this isn’t ideal. But you’ll get used to it eventually.”

Wait... eventually?

“... how long do you plan to keep me here?” Peter asks. He’s not sure he wants to know the answer...

“I’m not sure.” Wade admits.

There’s an uncomfortable silence. Peter walks to the other side of the room, as far away from Wade as he can get. He sits down, pulling his legs to his chest.

Wade sighs, sitting down on the bed in the center of the room.

“I’m not a toy.” Peter growls. “If you try and touch me without my permission I will cut your dick off.”

Wade quickly nods. “Well, yeah. I’m not gonna do that. Rape is bad. I mean, the idea did cross my mind, but I wouldn’t do it! Scouts honour!”

Peter refrains from questioning if Wade was ever a scout.“You mentioned monsters... I don’t suppose you have human food here? My sandwich was drugged.”

“Yes, actually! I can go get you some! Or, well, send someone to go get you some because I’m not dumb enough to leave you on your own right now.” Wade corrects himself.

Well, there goes that plan.

“... is there anyway I can convince you to let me go?” Peter asks.

“No.” Wade shakes his head.

“I am not above bribing you.” Peter tries.

“Still no.”

“The Avengers will come looking for me eventually.” Peter threatens.

“Coming down here without Shakilah's permission is illegal." Wade reminds, looking somewhat smug.

"Ugh..." Peter groans, slamming his head into the wall.

"Anything else you want to threaten me with?" Wade asks, amused.

"I'll just annoy you into letting me go." Peter decides.

"I'm the champion of annoying people. I can take whatever you have to give."

Peter sighs, putting his head in his hands. He's going to live out his final years in the company of the man who has killed him multiple times.

"How do I get into these situations?"

{1529 words}