Parodyman
PARODYMAN
The Case Of The Master Of Disguise
Christopher J Daniels
This book is a work of pure comedy fictional parody. Any
unintentional
similarities without satirical intent to copyrighted
characters/material or individuals, living or dead, or
still undecided
is purely coincidental.
This book has not been endorsed by any other writers,
actors, politicians, mimes,
organizations, distributors, television,
or film franchise owners.
No connections are implied or should be inferred. WARNING This book contains adult themes such as
the use of illegal narcotics, sexual descriptions, quite a
bit of adult
language, suggested violence and other themes.
For a mature audience only.
The rights of Christopher J Daniels to be identified as
the author of this book has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyrights, Designs, and
Patents Act of 1988. Published by Lulu in 2019
Copyright © Christopher J Daniels
All rights reserved
A self-published publication.
This book is lovingly dedicated to all the
writers around
the world of the past, present, and the future.
For
your inspiration to tell the stories to lead
others to
continue the dream to the next generation.
To the artists of the world, the poets, the
musicians,
the sculptors, the mimes, the freethinkers,
soul
brothers and sisters, thank you.
There is still that little kid in all of us that
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that world, it
doesn’t go away and never should do.
If you have a story within you let it free and
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dream and learn how to fly
MAIN CHARACTERS
Mr. Wayne Bruce/Parodyman. Sorry spoiler alert, they are the same person. If you want no more shocks like that I suggest you skip this bit and go along to the first scene. Mr. Bruce is in his mid-thirties and is independently rich after losing his parents at a young age, maybe we will find out more about that later. He has dashing good looks with wavy brown hair in an adult lifestyle magazine (you know the one that starts with P) pose kind of way and is always smartly dressed. He doesn’t seem to do anything as Mr. Bruce, just attend parties. He might show his face at the odd stockholders meeting to see how rich he is, but that’s about it. As his alter ego, Parodyman he spends a lot of time running around masked up in black and blue Lycra spandex with a giant P on the front, not camp at all. Mr. Bruce is not married and lives with Dick Beigeson.
Dick Beigeson lives with Wayne, see Dick run, no. Dick has had the early life traumatic experience of losing his parents also, you’ll find out more later, don’t want to spoil that. He is in his mid to late teens and has scruffy dark blonde hair and a go get um winning smile. He also possibly had a bad experience early in life with a chaffinch, unless there is another reason for his alter ego superhero character Chaffinch. As Chaffinch he reluctantly follows Parodyman around also masked up and wearing an equally silly, but slightly tighter outfit, but let’s not go there. His favourite colour is green, he likes long walks, playing the guitar and he is single, for now.
Mrs. Harrieta Dooper. Gin ‘n’ Juice Dooper to her friends is Wayne’s senile old aunt. There is no real reason she is staying with him, truth be told. Secretly unbeknownst to Wayne, she lost everything she owned in an illegal card game in Tijuana Mexico. She was sure she was having a quiet game of mah-jong with friends the last she remembered, then the gin came out and, well the rest is a
blur. She has a thing for finding sailors after a few gins. She must be in her late sixties, we don’t know, just imagine your grandma with a bottle of gin at a Christmas party and that’s Harrieta. She was married, but she doesn’t like to talk about that, or she can’t remember.
Alfredo Centworth is Mr. Bruce’s faithful old manservant, butler, dogsbody, cook, cleaner and does anything needed to be done around Bruce Manor. There doesn’t seem to be any other staff, and it is a bloody big house. He has been with the service of Mr. Bruce for a long time, can’t say any more, wink wink. You will find out a little more about what Alfredo Centworth likes to get up to on his time off a little later on. We really don’t want to say just yet, it is too early in the book for that. Alfredo Centworth is in his fifties and is British, a Londoner. He has that kind of air to him, but he doesn’t go on about ‘apples n pairs’, ’the old
Joanna’, ‘the sound of bow bells’ or ‘jellied eels & pie n mash’ every five minutes. He is formally attired in his butler’s outfit always and has a dashing little grey moustache he keeps immaculate at all times. He might have been married or not we are not sure.
Commissioner James Gordonson is, well he is the Commissioner of police for Emoham City. That’s where all this is set. Now here is a gentleman we know has been married a few times. Just wait until you meet his latest wife, now that is a scene you will look forward to. He went grey at an early age with the shock of getting hit by a falling cocker spaniel. He is average looking, but as the introduction of his new wife will reveal to you he has to be getting cash from somewhere to fund his lifestyle, I wonder where? It’s not from his job as Commissioner. He really tries to do as little as possible and spends as much
work time in, shall we say the pursuit of recreational activities with his Chief of police, no not that, they are both straight.
Chief O’Klahoma is that man. He is of the same age as Commissioner Gordonson, we’ll say late forties maybe early fifties. It doesn’t really matter, you can imagine the pair. The Chief is thinning on top and would like to cover it up, but he keeps losing his hat. We think the Commissioner might hide them as a practical joke. The Chief has an Irish accent, and no one seems to know why
that is. He wanted to be a deep-sea fisherman, but went to the wrong interview and only realized his mistake a good two months into training, by that time he thought fuck it might as well stay. Married, yes or no? You decide.
Mr. Jack Off/The Master Of Disguise. Time to boo, he is the bad guy. Again, if you didn’t want to know this then why are you reading this part? All right, we won’t spoil any more for you. Mr. Off is rich, we are talking billionaire rich just like Mr. Bruce but he splashes it around more, so to speak, you’ll get that joke later. Another inherited his money from his parents’ type, you can’t shake a stick around this place it seems without hitting one. He is also in his mid to late thirties, dresses designer fabulous at all times and wears a little too much make- up, I think you know what we mean. He does even bugger less than Mr. Bruce does and that is saying something.
Butler. Mr. Off’s butler, well he is a butler. Not much to say about him that you won’t find out later in the story and we are running out of space on this page. So, just use your imagination. There are a few other characters that you will get to meet in this story so sit back and enjoy the show.
CONTENTS
Scene 1 Commissioner’s Office Page 1 Scene 2 Stately Bruce Manor Page 2 Scene 3 Commissioner’s Office Page 5
Scene 4 Parodycave Page 7
Scene 5 First National Bank Page 10
Scene 6 Emoham City Bus Page 16
Scene 7 Jack Off’s Mansion Exterior Page 17
Scene 8 Bruce Manor Dick’s Room Page 20 Scene 9 Wayne Bruce Kitchen Page 21 Scene 10 Wayne Bruce Library Page 23
Scene 11 Jacuzzi Page 27
Scene 12 Great Hall, Bruce Manor Page 28
Scene 13 Jack Off’s Party Page 29
Scene 14 Jack Off’s Garden Page 37
Scene 15 Return To Jack Off’s Party Page 38
Scene 16 Emoham City Street Page 40
Scene 17 Jack Off’s Pimpin School Page 43 Scene 18 Jack Off’s Mansion Page 47 Scene 19 Lunch At Jack Off’s Page 50
Scene 20 Jack Off’s Indoor Pool Page 53
Scene 21 The Dungeon Page 58
Scene 22 Jack Off’s Limousine Page 65
Scene 23 Emoham City Diner Page 67
Scene 24 Emoham City Taxi Page 73 Scene 25 The Nightclub Scene Page 74 Scene 26 Emoham City Street Page 75
Scene 27 Fancy Dress Shop Page 76 Scene 28 Outside Jazz In Your Face Page79 Scene 29 Inside Jazz In Your Face Page 80
Scene 30 Main Room Of Jazz In Your Face Page 83
Scene 31 Back Room Of Club Page 84
Scene 32 Main Room Of Jazz In Your Face Page 85
Scene 33 Foyer Of Nightclub Page 89
Scene 34 Psychiatrists Office Page 96
Scene 35 Jacuzzi Again Page 101
Scene 36 Suburbs Of Emoham City Page 103
Exclusive Extras Page 106 Alternate Endings Page 108
Scene 1 : COMMISSIONER’S OFFICE
Inside the office, we have Commissioner Gordonson and his right-hand man Chief O’Klahoma. The Commissioner is seated down behind his desk as the Chief is pacing back and forth beside him. Both men adorned with worried looks on their faces.
The Commissioner of the department is dapper in a smart casual charcoal grey
business suit, almost handsome in a black and white B-Movie style.
The Chief is wearing his police uniform, as usual, all police like and well it is just a police uniform, it’s a dark blue colour and has nice shiny badges. He has though lost his hat, again.
Chief O’Klahoma “Oh saints be praised, mother Mary, all the little leprechauns be blessed. What in the name of all the little wee people and all the lucky
charms are we going to do?”
Commissioner Gordonson “You are from Ottawa, O’Klahoma, get over it. Your great-great-grandfather was from Ireland, you haven’t even set foot in the country.”
Chief O’Klahoma “Sorry boss, but what are we going to do about this devious robbery at the First International Bank Of Emoham City?”
Commissioner Gordonson “Well, we could put the full force of the entire station behind us on this one Chief. Definitely send our best officers down to the scene of the crime to comb every inch of the location. Then have our forensic team sweep the entire building looking for the most finite of clues. Have all of our top analysts scouring every inch of the surveillance footage of the crime. Every man and woman in the force could work non-stop using the decades upon decades of training at our disposal. We could, every one of us pull in all-nighters till we have the case solved. Not one of us resting one solitary moment until we have this villain well and truly where he deserves to be, locked up and behind bars.”
Chief O’Klahoma “Or on the other hand, we could just do what we usually end up doing and place a call to Parodyman and Chaffinch. Get them to do all the dirty work.”
Commissioner Gordonson “Yes, you are right. Give them the call Chief.”
The Chief picks up the giant red phone on his desk at his side and presses the button.
Page 1
Scene 2 : STATELY BRUCE MANOR
Meanwhile, on the other side of the City, we arrive at Stately Bruce Manor, the luxurious abode of billionaire Wayne Bruce, a swinging playboy in his mid- thirties, his handsome ward Dick Beigeson, a rebellious at heart teenager, Wayne’s doting old aunt Harrieta Dooper and their faithful man-servant Alfredo Centworth. Inside the manors spacious palatial Wayne library a similar giant red phone to that in the Commissioner’s office is now illuminated and ringing. For this is not just the residence of Mr. Wayne Bruce, but the top-secret location of our heroes of this story, the awesome duo of Parodyman and Chaffinch. Alfredo Centworth enters the room red-faced and frustrated zipping up his flies. He is dressed in his formal dark black butler suit, the only butler suit, in fact, he has bought in the last ten years. Alfredo Centworth has received sufficient funds each year and every year by his employer Mr. Wayne Bruce ever since Mr. Bruce was of age to take control of his parent’s estate. However, Alfredo Centworth has preferred to take this money and spend it on other more pleasurable activities, rather than expensive monkey suits.
Alfredo Centworth “For crying out loud they can’t even give me a moment’s peace and quiet. What kind of bloody useless pestering police force can’t even go a day without needing help in solving another one of their stupid crimes? What is it this time a cat up a tree, a child’s bicycle gone missing, that idiot O’Useless lost his hat, maybe Commissioner Gawdawful has locked himself in his walk-in closet, again.”
Alfredo Centworth picks up the receiver and annoyed he shouts into the phone.
Alfredo Centworth “What do you want?”
Mr. Bruce’s butler stands there listening to the telephone for a while. We, however, don’t get to hear the other side to the conversation taking place. Alfredo Centworth is nodding, looking annoyed and not just a little bored trying to suppress a yawn as he fakes the slightest interest in the conversation taking place on the other end of the line.
Alfredo Centworth “Right you are then Chief O’Klahoma. I will pass on your interest to see the awesome duo at once, or as soon as I can be bothered to do so. I am sure they’ll get around to see you at some point when they have a few minutes spare that is.”
Alfredo Centworth replaces the handset to the phone, rips the cable out of the wall socket and sticks the v sign up at the infernal device before making his way out of the Wayne library and into the Wayne conservatory. Here we find Wayne Bruce and Dick Beigeson are enjoying a delightful spot of high tea with the company of Mrs. Harrieta Dooper and her high school chum and tennis partner Marjory Flangeworthy.
Page 2
Mrs. Harrieta Dooper and Ms. Marjory Flangeworthy (never married) are dressed in what can only be described as the frightening leftovers from a set of flowery floral curtains.
Alfredo Centworth “You two, giant red phone for you. Now if you don’t mind not disturbing me for at least the next twenty minutes. I’m off for a ‘Sherman’ and I don’t, I repeat that I DON’T wish to be disturbed for anything, or anyone.”
Alfredo Centworth turns away and leaves the room heading off moodily upstairs
for some ‘alone’ time.
Wayne Bruce turns towards Dick Beigeson. Both Dick and Wayne are decked out in smart casual wear. The kind of ensemble that wouldn’t go amiss on a spectator at a Sunday church fund-raising regatta, or maybe the Oxford vs. Cambridge boat race or even a jolly old game of cricket down at Lords, don’t you know.
Wayne Bruce “Of course Dick old chum that has to be the phone call I was expecting from my old English tutor, professor Sherman. He promised he would call on me when he returned from his archaeological expedition over to
Scotland and join us for a good old jolly fishing trip up at his secluded lakeside
cabin, when he was free to do so.”
Dick Beigeson “Fishing. What the fuck are you talking about dude that was the Parodypho, oh yes fishing, professor Sherman, of course, yes, now I remember, yes a fishing trip, silly me.”
Dick puts up a sarcastic pair of air quotes with his fingers on the words fishing trip and winks a suspiciously cheesy wink towards Wayne.
Wayne Bruce “Now then Dick, if you have all your school assignments up to date and completed we should go and pack for a weekend in the noble pursuit of the humble game of the waters. So grand and majestic of a sport there truly is none other equal.”
Dick Beigeson “Fuck that school work dude. I haven’t stepped a single foot into that creativity vanquishing museum of mind-numbing, bureaucratic, brainwashing, soul-sucking irrelevance for months man. I mean it’s not like I will ever need to get an actual real proper job. Dude, I’m just waiting for you to fall of that ivory tower perch of yours then this sweet ass pad is going to be all mine. Then, it’s the easy life for me all the way daddy-o. I’m talking fast cars, loose women, Champagne twenty-four seven, gambling, cruising down the Riviera, private jets, hanging out with the cool crowd, not a care in the world. You feel me on that one? Chuck out this senile old crazy bitch out on the street as soon as. Heck, even before they toss the first shovel of dirt on to your casket I’m going to be on that and she’s going to be gone.”
Dick nods an insincere smile over to Mrs. Harrieta Dooper and gives a condescending laugh in her direction. Mrs. Dooper looks completely oblivious to anything Dick has just said.
Page 3
Wayne Bruce “Apologies to you both, but you will have to excuse the pair of us Ms. Flangeworthy, Aunt Harrieta. Maybe we will have the honour and opportunity to do this another time, soon I hope. It is a long drive to professor Sherman’s cabin and I would be amiss to deprive young Dick here of the opportunity to gain valuable life knowledge from the great professor Sherman. Many an hour I remember I would spend when I was Dick’s age with the professor’s rod in my hand, a tight firm grip around the shaft, his manly hands
on my.”
There is silence for a time as Wayne is reminiscing that is finally interrupted by Dick Beigeson coughing words to Wayne to wake him up from his momentary disappearance from the plot.
Dick Beigeson “(COUGH) Parodyphone (COUGH), urgent (COUGH), head out of your ass (COUGH).”
Aunt Harrieta Dooper “Now then young master Dick that’s a nasty cough you have, maybe you shouldn’t.”
Marjory Flangeworthy smiles and kicks Harrieta in the shin.
Marjory Flangeworthy “Maybe you should take some cough medicine with you for the trip dear boy. Now, the pair of you run along and have a super splendid time.”
Wayne Bruce “Yes, we must go. Ladies thank you for the delightful morning and your sparkling conversation, but alas we must depart.”
Dick Beigeson and Wayne Bruce take their leave and turn to exit the Wayne conservatory heading towards the Wayne library.
Aunt Harrieta Dooper “What a shame they couldn’t stay and join us longer for more tea. It will be an awfully nice adventure for young master Dick to go on a nice weekend fishing trip with Wayne.”
Marjory Flangeworthy “Fishing trip! A weekend of cock more likely.”
Aunt Harrieta Dooper “Yes, you could be right.”
Marjory Flangeworthy “Or they could, of course, be leading secret double lives and are in fact the crime-fighting duo of Parodyman and Chaffinch away on another exciting and daring adventure.”
Both sit silent and stoned faced for a few moments then burst out laughing. Aunt Harrieta Dooper “What that pair of pussies? More tea or shall I get the gin out now that those two homos have buggered off?”
Marjory Flangeworthy “Hell yeah player.”
Wayne Bruce and Dick Beigeson have entered the Wayne library and Dick has flipped the head of a bust of some old dead dude to reveal a button. With the button pressed a bookcase slides across to reveal two poles leading to the Parodycave. The pair take their respective poles down. Not as Wayne Bruce and Dick Beigeson, but as Parodyman and Chaffinch. Fade to title sequence and the cheesy opening music.
Page 4
Scene 3 : COMMISSIONER’S OFFICE
The Commissioner is still sitting at his desk, now thumbing through an old faded copy of ‘Dirty Sluttish Amateur Readers Wives’ magazine and the Chief is standing by his side with his hands in his pockets playing pocket pool. The
doors swing dramatically open and Parodyman and Chaffinch jog into the room. The Commissioner casually drops the magazine out of sight.
Parodyman “We came as soon as we could.”
Chaffinch “Yes, then we got in the Parodymobile and got over here. What
seems to be the problem gentlemen?”
Commissioner Gordonson “Awesome duo thank God you got here so quick, there’s been a heinous bank robbery. We have the film footage here from the First International Bank Of Emoham City’s cameras. What use it will do you though, I’m afraid the criminal in question is indeed a master of disguise.” Chief O’Klahoma “That’s why he is, The Master Of Disguise, catchy.”
The Commissioner presses a button on a remote control at his desk and a television unit appears above him from behind a painting of a television set and the footage of the bank robbery is screened. Parodyman and Chaffinch watch with interest at the screen as Chaffinch looks back and forth at the two law enforcers with a look of reverence on his face. When the film finishes the television set is replaced with the painting of a television set.
Chaffinch “Holly dumb ass, really. Are you guys serious? They have to be fucking with us man. That’s The Master Of Disguise. You seriously have no idea who he is? It is plainly obvious to anyone that it is noted playboy and billionaire Jack Off.”
Chief O’Klahoma “Saints be praised. That’s an amazing ability you have yourself there. What unseen devilishly fiendish clues to us mere on the beat flat feet did you see through to come to that conclusion so quickly, boldly and surely?”
Chaffinch “His disguise is a hat O’Klahoma, that’s it, just a fucking hat. It’s clearly billionaire tycoon playboy and jet-setter Jack Off. The Chief operations officer of the Jack Off Gentleman’s clubs, Jack Off’s Adult book-stores, the Jack Off Peep-show And Nude bars, Jack Off Sex Toys R Us, Jack Off Night- vision Goggles, Jack Off ‘s Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy School For Pimps And Ho’s and Jack Off’s Fluffy Bunny Slippers Emporium.”
It seems from the look on his face that Commissioner Gordonson has not been paying that much attention as he snaps back to the situation.
Commissioner Gordonson “Jack Off, Chaffinch?”
Chaffinch “Maybe later Commissioner, but now we have a job to do and a villain to catch. Now, Parodyman let us be getting to the Parodymobile, at this once, quick sharp, on the double.”
Page 5
The two crime-fighters prepare to make their leave out of the office as the Chief steps forward with some words of wisdom, encouragement, downright stupidity. Well, it is bound to be one of these.
Chief O’Klahoma “Don’t forget lads, he could just possibly be in some kind of disguise.”
Chaffinch “A hat O’Klahoma, his disguise is just a hat.”
Chaffinch slaps his fist into the palm of his hand and the pair leave, sprinting out of the room. The Chief has reached over and picked up the phone while the Commissioner has taken out a massive spliff from the draw of his desk and has lit it up.
Chief O’Klahoma “They’ve finally gone, can you please send us in the
hookers?”
The Commissioner has reached into another draw in his desk and pulls out a very large bottle of whiskey as the Chief has brought out an impressive size bag of cocaine from his inside pocket, just another usual day then. There is a specially coded knock on the door.
Commissioner Gordonson “Come in.”
The door opens and four beautiful curvaceous women enter into the room as the Chief is laying out several lines of cocaine on to the desk. The Chief leans forward and takes a line and receives a large tumbler full of whiskey from the Commissioner who is unbuttoning his trousers.
Chief O’Klahoma “Oh yes then baby, that’s the shit brother, lets rock this freaking party.”
The women have all entered the room and are now dancing around together and with the Chief and Commissioner whom both have their trousers around their ankles. All the young women have started to get into all sorts of different stages of undress. The drinks are starting to flow and the good times are on down at City Hall, yes the party is on.
The scene now fades, it fades to black, maybe a little light music in the background would be splendid, thank you.
Page 6
Scene 4 : THE PARODYCAVE
We see the Parodymobile enter into the Parodycave through the Parodyentrance and is parked in the Parodyparkingspace. Parodyman and Chaffinch exit the vehicle and Parodyman turns on the Parodyhighlyunnecessaryantitheftthing. Chaffinch leans against and gets a drink from the Parodywatercooler as Parodyman for no reason makes himself a cup of Parodytea in the Parodycup using the Parodykettle and sits in his Parodyeasychair. Chaffinch looks over his shoulder to the Chaffinchtoilet and throws the empty plastic Parodycup into the Parodybin.
Chaffinch “So, why are we back here?”
Parodyman “Because old chum we have all these flashy machines that I paid a small fortune for, so we have to get them into at least one scene to justify the vast cost. That and I love it when they go ‘PING’.”
Chaffinch “But we know who The Master Of Disguise is. It’s clearly billionaire playboy tycoon and hat wearer Jack Off. So, here’s my plan dude. Why don’t we stop dicking about, get straight around to his mansion, kick the doors down, make a little noise up in that bitch, beat the crap out of his heavies and fuck his shit up homie? Then, we can drop them all off down at the police headquarters and still have ourselves enough time to get back here and cuddle, you know like we used to.”
Parodyman “Now then there’s plenty of time for all that later Chaffinch old chum, old fellow me lad. Right now we need to turn on some of these random machines, flip a few of the switches and make it look like we are doing something that has a vague bearing on the case at hand until one of them goes ‘PING’.”
Chaffinch is holding up an index finger and is about to speak when the trusted family retainer, butler, and all around good egg Alfredo Centworth walks into the Parodycave.
Parodyman “Ah good, Alfredo there is a case a foot that we could use your services in order to catch a master criminal. I know that it’s nearly time for your afternoon off, but there is a vital role that you could play in apprehending the evil genius known as, The Master Of Disguise.”
Chaffinch “A fucking hat.”
Parodyman “As I was saying your services would be of paramount to our investigations, that and there’s also a big pile of laundry that needs to be attended to.”
Alfredo Centworth “As you said, sir, I am due an afternoon off and I was planning on going into Emoham City to get myself some, sir.”
Page 7
Parodyman “Excuse me, get yourself some, get yourself some what Alfredo,
may I ask?”
Alfredo Centworth “Some trim sir. Tail, action, some nookie, poonanie, a slapper, some minge, a nice bit of totty, a bit of all right. I am going out to sink the pink, hide the bishop, slam in the lamb, introduce Percy happy snake to Mrs. Pinks love canal. One on one, two girls or three it doesn’t matter. Short or tall, young or old, slender or plump. I will do anything, anytime, anywhere in every position you care to name, sir. Doggy style, cunnilingus, the rocking horse, hand jobs, foot jobs, missionary, rusty trombone, fellatio, deep throat, pile-driver, the rusty bike pump, sixty-nine, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, glowing triangle, gang bang, the Catherine wheel, the nirvana. I’m off to get laid sir, and sod the bloody laundry also, with all due respect, sir.”
Chaffinch is making notes in a notepad. Several of these words have been
underlined and circled.
Chaffinch “What was the one after pile-driver?”
Alfredo Centworth turns around and is leaving the Parodycave and returning upstairs to Bruce Manor whilst mumbling to himself.
Alfredo Centworth “I only came down here to escape for a few minutes from that doddering old fool of an aunt. Can’t catch five minutes alone without her or you lot pestering me to do some trivial menial task that she or you can not be bothered to do yourselves. That constant nagging, on and on morning noon and night, it’s like we are a married couple, and she’s even worse. I’d give her something to keep her quiet, nine inches of something that is, but even I wouldn’t go there.”
Parodyman “Fine Alfredo, but I expect you to start bright and early tomorrow morning, shall we say around eight a.m. with the laundry I mentioned a moment ago?”
Alfredo Centworth “Go bite a lemon, sir.” Parodyman “Make in nine then.”
Alfredo Centworth is now gone and so Parodyman turns back to the attention of his crime-fighting partner. Chaffinch meanwhile is attempting to pocket cash out of the Parodywallet and drops it quickly back on the desk as Parodyman is looking over.
Chaffinch “Hey there dude. I was just counting the spare change Parodyman, you know just in case we need any money for one of the parking meters you insist on replenishing every time we are out and about. Who in their right minds would ever stick a parking ticket on the precious Penismobile though, I don’t know.”
Parodyman “Good plan old chum you never know when we might run out of, excuse me, the what mobile?”
Page 8
Chaffinch “The Parodymobile dude, the Parodymobile. So what’s the plan?” Parodyman walks casually over to one of the many alluring blinking, flashing and general all-around attention-grabbing machines and starts to press buttons, flick switches, turn dials and generally make it look like he knows what he is doing and that the machines have any kind of baring or need in the case at hand. The machine goes ‘PING’.
Parodyman “The plan that I have, my young friend is that banking we must
now go.”
Chaffinch “Well, if you think we have time for that ok then. I’ll just go and get the hand cream and the erotic book of Victorian pornography you like so much and then we can.”
Parodyman “Banking Chaffinch, I said banking. May I suggest that our next port of call be the First International Bank Of Emoham City, scene of this morning’s unscrupulous daring bank robbery. There we can gather together all the clues first hand and discover the motivation behind this dastardly and most heinous of criminals.”
Chaffinch “Jack Off, Mr. Jack Off. I don’t mean to sound like a broken record, again. We established earlier on who is behind this so I don’t understand why we aren’t around at his billionaire mansion busting a few heads, smacking around a few crooks and taking a few names. You know what I mean, kung-fu style dawg.”
Parodyman “There there my old chum, the naivety of youth. I do believe we will discover in due time that there is more to this than at first meets the eyes, now then, off we go to the Parodymobile.”
Parodyman turns and jogs post-haste to the Parodymobile and jumps into the front seat driver’s position. Chaffinch turns around slowly and bangs his head on one of the machines several times and nonchalantly steps over to the vehicle, opens the side door and steps inside. The Parodymobile roars into action and with a screech of tyres we see it speed out of the Parodycave. The exterior shot shows a quite obvious plastic rock formation slide across and two decrepit plastic trees fall over to reveal the entrance of the ‘hidden’ Parodycave. The Parodymobile shoots out of the entrance and with a blast of the Parodyrockets the awesome duo are on their way to the First International Bank Of Emoham
City. We see the duo sat in the front of the Parodymobile as old grainy black and white stock footage of the scenery goes quickly by in the background. So cheap, where is the budget going on this?
Page 9
Scene 5 : FIRST NATIONAL BANK
The Parodymobile arrives in the middle of the City pulling up at the steps of its destination, the First International Bank Of Emoham City. The duo leap, well Parodyman leaps, Chaffinch opens the door and steps out of the vehicle as Parodyman is feeding the parking meter.
Chaffinch “Really, I ask you who would give us a ticket?”
Pedestrians go by either side of the awesome duo of Parodyman and Chaffinch, none of them paying any kind of attention to the two grown men dressed up in spandex and masks looking like a pair of super camp wrestlers. A woman in a red skirt and matching jacket, shoes and hat combo with a light scarlet blouse walking along the street pushing a pram looks over to the duo smiling.
Woman In Street “(with a deep Southern accent) Look it’s those darling
international crime-fighting superheroes Parodyman and Chaffinch.”
No one pays any attention to them or her and so the woman exits the shot
mumbling to herself.
Woman In Street (out of shot and dropping the accent) “Three bloody years with the National Shakespeare Company and all I get is one bloody line.” Parodyman “Right then, let us not forget of course old chum that we need to activate the Parodyantitheftdevice on the Parodymobile before we leave here and enter this building.”
Woman In The Street (out of shot) “They wouldn’t of treated Sir Larry like this, that’s for sure.”
Chaffinch “Gee whiz dude, who is going to steal the Parodymobile?” Parodyman “True, none of the good just people of Emoham City would do such a heinous act. Never the less Chaffinch old chum, old companion of mine. We must never forget it’s our civic and moral duty to set a good example to those people. In doing so, we have to ensure that we set a standard of personal and private security of our own that is second to none. By these actions, the good and just citizens of Emoham City will follow our lead and secure their vehicles, their houses and their selves from any form of possible theft or injury from the small underbelly of the criminal element that preys on this righteous City of ours. A small percent that is and not at all indictment of the overall population of good, honest, hard-working, trustworthy and loyal Emohamites who toil night and day in honourable positions to make sure that this is and continues as one of the greatest cities in the world. A City, as I said, with a very tiny minute element of undesirables who quite possibly may even have to commute into Emoham City from other cities to carry out their nefarious criminal activities.”
A tumble-weed can be seen going past in the background.
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Parodyman “A group that let us not forget may or may not have had troubled backgrounds, come from broken homes, been in trouble with the law from an early age. They might have had a dependency on drugs or alcohol, had abusive parents or peers as role models. They are all deep down inside good people like you and I Chaffinch. Let us let none of us forget we can be one pay-check away from being on the street. (spoken quieter) Well, they can, I’m a billionaire after all. (spoken louder) The point is they can be rehabilitated back into our society and go on to lead full healthy good living lifestyles with the help of that good egg, philanthropist and kind-hearted billionaire Wayne Bruce and his most excellent, none profit may I add, that money was not his he was just secure holding it for his charitable organizations, Wayne Foundation.”
Chaffinch returns to by Parodyman’s side with a copy of the Emoham City newspaper in his hand and is reading the sports section.
Chaffinch “Sorry, did you say something dude?” Parodyman “Just turn on the anti-theft device wise ass.”
Parodyman turns and walks away up the steps towards the First International Bank Of Emoham City as Chaffinch throws the newspaper into the back of the vehicle and leans over towards the anti-theft device in the Parodymobile. Instead of activating the device Chaffinch changes the radio stations dial on the Parodyradio and follows Parodyman into the bank. Into the bank we go, to follow our intrepid heroes on their quest to find clues for the capturing of The Master Of Disguise. The bank has been cleared of all its customers and there is one officer of the law making his way around the building dusting everything in sight for fingerprints. A few members of the staff present at the time of the robbery still remain in the building sitting around looking bored as one detective is leaning up against a female teller’s desk chatting away to her.
Detective “(Polish accent) So, maybe you and I a little later, a spot of dinner, some dancing, a show, some Champagne, a moonlight stroll by the river.”
Teller “Or we could just go back to yours and get to doing the wild thing if you know what I mean, and I am sure that you do.”
Parodyman “Excuse me, detective.”
The detective on hand is in his mid to late thirties, unshaven with unmanageable (a little too long in Parodyman’s opinion) brown hair and is wearing an old chocolate-brown suit. He has a roll-up hanging from his lip and a pad and pencil in his hand with the doodling of a pornographic sketch of the bank teller on it. Detective “What, I mean. Nonymous, Alexandria Nonymous. It’s Polish.”
The detective extends a hand and shakes hands with Parodyman and Chaffinch. Parodyman “Well, thank you detective Nonymous if we could have a few moments with the teller I.”
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Chaffinch “We.”
Parodyman “We would like to have a few words with her.”
Detective Alexandria Nonymous “Sure go ahead. Walk in off the street looking like a pair of fairy transsexual Nancy boy extras from the Bolshoi Ballet. No I.D, no official papers. Go ahead take over the crime scene, don’t mind me, see if I care. It’s not like we have any kind of order around here. Damn it, I was that close to getting laid.”
The detective walks off out of the shot bumping into the other police officer on duty which causes white fingerprint powder to be thrown all over the pair of them.
Parodyman “Thank you, detective. Sorry I didn’t catch your name.” Detective Alexandria Nonymous “Nonymous, it’s Alexandria Nonymous. Damn man, so so close.”
Parodyman “Thank you, now.”
Parodyman turns his attention to the bank teller who is putting away a card just handed over to her by Chaffinch who is eyeing her up and down and giving her the gun, the nod, and the wink.
Parodyman “Excuse me, Miss?”
Teller “Mrs., Mrs. Cummings, Mrs. Sharon Cummings, but you can call me,
Mrs. Cummings. Your friend here however, he can call me anytime.”
Mrs. Cummings is in her early twenties. She is wearing leather black high heels, a very short black skirt showing off her supple slender legs, lace stockings and a see-through white blouse and no bra. Her blonde hair is worn high in a bun
style. The thin-rimmed glasses she wears reminds Chaffinch of a schoolteacher he once had. Had as a teacher that is, not in the biblical sense, he so wished. Her shocking blood-red lipstick smoulders as she speaks to them. She lets her hair down from the bun and throws it back and forth. A bead of sweat slowly drips down into her cleavage as she takes a pen and with her tongue wrapped
around the end slowly in a circular motion takes it back and forth into her mouth
to the hilt. Excuse me, I need a cold shower.
Parodyman “Thank you, Mrs. Cummings. I wonder if you could tell us, in your own words what occurred here early this morning. Take your time please, I know this must be a very distressful time for you.”
Mrs. Cummings “Not really, it wasn’t my money. The gentleman entered the bank through the entrance, over there.”
Mrs. Cummings helpfully points over to the big double door entrance that the duo has just entered through. Parodyman looks around to the doors and back over to Mrs. Cummings with an annoyed lifting of the eyebrow.
Mrs. Cummings “He walked into the bank and over to my station, he then asked me for the money, I then gave it to him and then, he left.”
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Parodyman “Right and then, excuse me, can you repeat that for me, he did
what and what?”
Mrs. Cummings “The gentleman entered the building, walked over to my station, asked for the money, I gave him the money and then he left. I’m sorry what part of that didn’t you understand?”
Parodyman “So, what you are saying is the gentleman in question entered this building, he walked over to you, he then asked for the money, you just gave him the money and he then left?”
Mrs. Cummings “Yes.” Parodyman “Really?” Mrs. Cummings “Yes.”
Parodyman “No struggle! No drama! No clues left! No complex sets of puzzles for us to unravel! Nothing, absolutely nothing, well that is a bit of a let-down, I must say!”
Mrs. Cummings “No. In, a quick pleasantry and he shoots. You have the look
of someone who knows what that’s like, little man.”
Mrs. Cummings looks down at the non-descriptive bulge in Parodyman’s Lycra
outfit and holds up two fingers close together.
Parodyman, even under his cowl looks flustered and embarrassed. Parodyman “The guard, where may I ask was he when all of this was happening?”
Mrs. Cummings “He was off having a Jimmy.” Parodyman “Anyone else here?”
Mrs. Cummings “Only these non-descriptive background supporting artists with no discerning roles, so they just stood around doing nothing of any real value at all.”
Parodyman “Ok, could you by chance please possibly describe this man to me
then Mrs. Cummings?”
Mrs. Cummings “Well, it’s so very difficult for me to say, you see he had this
hat and.”
Chaffinch “Damn, I told you we wouldn’t get this kind of shit in New York City (the sarcastic tone to Chaffinch’s voice is audible) but no, Emoham City Chaffinch you said, that’s the place for us old chap. We got to keep it real, stay close to our roots. We’re about a stone’s throw away here from the sound of duelling banjos with these moronic fuckwits.”
Parodyman “Thank you Chaffinch.”
Chaffinch “You know how much that Superduperman guy is pulling in, per month, from his ridiculous endorsement deals alone? Then there’s the tail he’s got to be scoring himself.”
Parodyman “THANK YOU, Chaffinch. Mrs. Cummings, thank you for, well, thank you for your help.”
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Mrs. Cummings “After all this isn’t supposed to be a positive confirmation female role of our strength, intelligence or power now is it? 95% male cast, the same behind the camera as well. I’m just supposed to stand here all quiet and be seductive eye candy for the teenage boys watching or reading this under their bed sheets with a torch jacking off. My role in this was to just stand here and hand all the money over. Where would the story-line be if I had refused to do so? This wouldn’t have been an issue if I had taken the gentleman on and
defended the bank and its honour. He had no obvious weapon as far as I knew so I was in no real harm after all. Wouldn’t have been a good showing if I took him on single-handed. You wouldn’t have had your moment in the sun to fly on in here and be the hero saving the day. Kind of a whack to the old male ego that would have been. So, I’ll just stand right here and look pretty for you, maybe unbutton a couple more buttons to show these bad boys off. Be a hoot though if
it turns out that I just didn’t give him the money because I was in on the caper all along, the brains behind the operation so to speak, the big cheese. Now wouldn’t that be a hoot?”
Parodyman “You are not are you?”
Mrs. Cummings “No.”
Parodyman is now looking over to the side for the moment to someone out of
the screenshot.
Parodyman “Excuse me but that little old diatribe definitely was not in the
script that I received.”
Out of shot, we hear the director.
The Director “Run with it darling, it’s all right no one noticed.” Parodyman is back looking towards Mrs. Cummings.
Parodyman “Ok, so thank you again Mrs. Cummings. Chaffinch let us be making our leave, I do not believe we are going to have any luck here.” Chaffinch “Speak for yourself.”
Parodyman meanders slowly, then more hurriedly out of the bank. Chaffinch follows behind, at the door giving one glance back at Mrs. Cummings he places a kiss to his velvet gloved hand and blows it in her direction, then he leaves the scene.
Mrs. Cummings fans herself with a stack of money from her desk before
stuffing it down her cleavage.
After their exhaustive and diligent questioning inside the First International
Bank Of Emoham City for clues to the daring robbery Parodyman and Chaffinch make their way outside of the bank and down the steps into the streets of Emoham City to the Parodymobile. There, to their shock and horror, they find out that the Parodymobile has, gosh, been stolen!!!!!
Parodyman “Chaffinch, old partner in crime, friend of mine, buddy, chum.”
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Chaffinch “Damn, I wonder if she would call me back if I gave her a ring. Sorry about that, I was miles away in thought. Yes, dude. What is it that you wish to know?”
Parodyman “Question. I just have this one small, tiny question. Hardly worth asking but if you may indulge me.”
Chaffinch “I am sure she would give me a call back if I were to phone her. Yes, what question is that Parodyman?”
Parodyman “Before we went ahead and entered into this silly old bank just a short while ago.”
Chaffinch “Yes.”
Parodyman “That little silly old anti-theft device. You know the one that I am referring to, I am sure. The one that I went ahead and asked you if you could go ahead and turn on.”
Chaffinch “Yes, about that.” Parodyman “Did.” Chaffinch “No.”
Parodyman “Right, right. I see. We will say no more about it then on this occasion. Maybe for the next hour or so we’ll have a period of reflection and silence, and silence, to contemplate our actions on this occasion. I do believe that will be best under these circumstances.”
Parodyman ambles slowly and reflectively off (can you amble off reflectively?) leaving Chaffinch looking down at his feet for a moment or two. In total silence, he follows after Parodyman several paces behind. It looks like someone is going to be spending some time on the naughty step and most definitely not having
any ice cream with their dinner.
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Scene 6 : EMOHAM CITY BUS
Jump ahead to the next scene and we are in the interior of a crowded Emoham City public transportation vehicle, in other words, we are on the bus. Here we have Parodyman and Chaffinch standing in the middle of the bus holding on to the safety rails spaced out through the middle of the vehicle. Chaffinch is next to an unscrupulous looking tramp in a very dirty old raincoat. He smells like a mixture of pickled onions, feet, and desperation. Around them are people sitting and standing. Their fellow travellers are reading, talking among themselves, doing crosswords, peeing out of a window (no please stop) and watching the passing scenery around them as they travel through Emoham City. None of the other passengers have paid a blind bit of any attention to the two crime-fighters standing before them silent and moody on the journey. Maybe a joke will lighten up the mood. On second thoughts, maybe not.
Chaffinch “I.”
Parodyman “No, silence. I do believe that we agreed that silence would be our agenda for at least a good solid hour.”
See (above) silence. Two rows behind them to the right can be seen two passengers. Two members of the Emoham City community, making their way. What is this all of a sudden, a documentary about them, they are just two passengers on this bus.
Passenger “That reminds me, I have to take my laundry to the dry cleaners like those two guys are doing.”
Passenger 2 “What do you mean?”
Passenger “I’m all out of fresh clothes. They obviously are in the same situation since they are out in their pyjamas.”
Passenger 2 “Looks like fancy dress if you ask me.” Passenger “You know you could be right on that one.
That was a short scene. Now on to the next one.
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Scene 7 : JACK OFF’S MANSION EXTERIOR
The bus pulls up outside the palatial hillside mansion of billionaire playboy, soft-core pornographer, and semi-pro golfer Jack Off. The awesome duo steps out of the bus and on to the side-walk.
Parodyman “Thank you driver. It is so kind of you to drop us off at this location, out of your way from your normal scheduled run. I do assure you and the good people on the bus that this is of the most urgent of nature. Please also apologize to those patrons that use your fine service as the day continues from myself and young Chaffinch here for the lateness of your service because of this unscheduled detour. I assure you again it is of vital importance to us, Emoham City and we believe to all the good, honest, hard-working, respectable.”
Bus-driver “Shut the heck up, you freaky ass crazy bitch.”
The bus driver closes the doors and drives off leaving the awesome duo standing at the side of the road in a cloud of dust and smoke.
Parodyman “Delightful chap.” Chaffinch “Ass-hole.”
Parodyman “Now then Chaffinch, that’s no way to talk about our public servants They are after all just doing a job and doing a job under such difficult circumstances.” Chaffinch “I was talking about you.”
Chaffinch walks off and up to the gates of Mr. Jack Off’s mansion Jack Off Towers and presses the intercom button. There is a crackle and a posh voice is heard through the other side of the system.
Intercom Voice “Yes, what is it?”
Chaffinch “It’s Parodyman and Chaffinch we want to speak to Mr. Off.”
Intercom Voice “ Bugger off.” Chaffinch “No, Jack Off.” Intercom Voice “I said bugger off.”
Chaffinch “Listen, we are serious. It’s too hot for this shit man, we want to speak to Mr. Jack Off now. We know this is his residency, now open up the gates or I’m going to be in there as quick as shit of a shovel beating your ass up, player.” Intercom Voice (after a pause) “Go away, like now.”
Chaffinch jumps back and is about to go ballistic and judo kick the intercom system when Parodyman steps forward in a cool calm and collective way and presses the button to speak into the intercom machine.
Parodyman “Listen here this is Parodyman speaking, I am here with Chaffinch. You were conversing with him a moment ago. Excuse my colleague’s youthful exuberance, but as he said it is rather hot out here and we are looking to converse with your
master, Mr. Jack Off. Now if you could be so kind as to explain to your master that we are here to see him, let us in to do so. Perhaps a tall cool glass of lemonade each if that wouldn’t be too much trouble on this fine, but hot Emoham day.”
Intercom Voice “It would be too much trouble, now piss off.” Parodyman “Who is this?”
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Intercom Voice “Not that it’s any of your business but I am Mr. Off’s butler.” Parodyman “Now then my good man.”
Intercom Voice “No, listen up now you pair of freaky ass weirdos, this ain’t Halloween ‘man’, it’s too early for trick or treat. I see you two beatniks out of the window down there. I don’t know what you guys have dropped, popped, sucked on, chomped down, smoked or injected up into each other’s behinds, but we don’t want your kind around here, got it? Now you’ve got to the count of ten before I set the dogs on to you and they would just love to fine dine down on a pair of freaky deaky hippy weirdos like the two of you tree hugging, war dodging drop-outs.”
Parodyman “But, but I’m Parodyman.” Intercom Voice “One. Two. Three.”
Parodyman looking and sounding very dejected depresses the button, hangs his head and walks away from the gates. Chaffinch looking over to Parodyman then over to the gates and the intercom system then back to Parodyman and then up into the distant windows of the mansion suddenly in a flash judo kicks the heck out of the intercom system in one explosive awesome flying spinning kick.
Chaffinch “How do you like us now bitches? We’re Parodyman and fucking
Chaffinch and don’t you forget it, son.”
Chaffinch is sticking up two middle fingers as he says this then turns around, drops his tights and moons up at the mansion.
Chaffinch “Fuck yeah, sing me moon river now Y’all!!!!!”
Parodyman and Chaffinch are soon seen quickly running in the opposite direction of
the mansion. Dogs can be heard barking loudly in the background.
Several blocks away from the mansion the awesome duo slows down and come to a stop, out of breath holding on to their sides, winded they attempt to regain their composure.
Chaffinch “What are we going to do now? I hope you have got some kind of plan
right now dude?”
Parodyman “Well, I believe the first thing we need to do is find some way of getting
back to the Parodycave.” Chaffinch “Whys that dude?”
Parodyman “Well, first up and sorry old chum to mention this, but we need to call in a stolen vehicle report to the Police on the Parodymobile. Also get in touch with the insurance company.”
Chaffinch “Listen up man, I’m sorry about that. I’m really sorry about what happened dude, my bad.”
Parodyman “That’s ok Chaffinch, old chum. Water under the bridge, and all those kinds of cliches.”
Chaffinch “Anything else?”
Parodyman “Well, second I could do with a change of clothing.”
Chaffinch “Why is that?”
Parodyman “You know when we heard the dogs first barking?” Chaffinch “Yes.”
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Parodyman “I think at that very moment in time I might just have gone and soiled myself.”
Chaffinch “Oh dude no, for the love of everything that is right in the world please stand downwind.”
The pair start walking off back to the sanctuary of the Parodycave and home sweet home of Bruce Manor feeling a little dejected after their run in.
Chaffinch “Dude, how in the heck are we going to even try to explain all of this to
aunt Harrieta?”
Parodyman “With all the gin she has probably consumed already today and the amounts that she has hidden around the Manor, right about now she probably has no idea who she is, let alone who we are. I think we should be good as far as she is concerned.”
Chaffinch “I could do with a stiff one myself right about now.” Parodyman “I bet you could, old chum.”
Chaffinch “I could do with a drink as well.”
Parodyman “I second that, wait you are underage, for drinking that is. Don’t want to get in trouble with the nice watchdog groups on morality out there.”
Chaffinch “But.”
Parodyman “Let us just go back home, old chum. I feel stressed out after all of this. I think I could do with a long soak in the bath and a soothing massage.”
The two superheroes, arms around each other’s shoulders start to walk off together into the distance singing a catchy tune, you know the one, hum along with us as they walk off into the sunset.
Parodyman And Chaffinch “Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na ,na ,na ,na ,na ,na ,na ,na ,na Parodyman!Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na ,na ,na ,na ,na ,na ,na ,na ,na Parodyman! Parodyman, Parodyman, Parodyman!”
Our scene now fades to black as the duo walk off into that very sunset. How cheesy this all sounds.
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Scene 8 : BRUCE MANOR (DICK’S ROOM)
The scene opens the next morning back at Wayne’s crib. We are in the room of young Master Dick Beigeson. Inside there are posters of movie stars, singers of his liking
and young women in sexy poses on the walls. We observe large amounts of clothes all over the floor, a large bean bag in one corner and a plate of half-eaten food on the side table. Dick is sitting crossed legged on his bed, he has an old tattered acoustic guitar out and is playing and singing.
Dick Beigeson “This is my song that I sing, but nobody knows who I really am,
here all alone inside myself, trying to break out and fly free, like an eagle, I just want to sore, just to be all that I can be,
break out of these chains that you don’t see,
the boy that wants to be a man, why can’t somebody see,
the real me deep inside,
fly, fly like a bird,
so high into the sky,
I just want to be free, to be me, Oh, why can’t anybody see,
I just want to be free.”
There is a knock at the door, but we stay on the interior of the room with Dick. Dick Beigeson “Go away.”
Wayne Bruce “Dick it’s me, Wayne.”
Dick Beigeson “Yeah, like I know, am I bothered.” Wayne Bruce “What are you doing in there?”
Dick Beigeson “Go away.”
Wayne tries the handle to the door, but there is a chair under the door to prevent
anyone from getting into Dick’s room. Dick Beigeson “I said go away.”
Wayne Bruce “Listen if you don’t let me in this instant.” Dick Beigeson “You are not my dad, leave me alone.”
Wayne Bruce “Look breakfast is ready, take it or leave it, that’s all I am saying.” Dick Beigeson “I hate you.”
Wayne Bruce “Listen, I am going to count to ten and if you are not.”
We see Dick throwing his guitar aside and putting his head under the pillow, kicking his feet against the bed and going la la la la a lot.
Wayne Bruce “I am making waffles.”
Dick Beigeson “I don’t, can I have ice cream?”
Wayne Bruce “Sure why not.”
Dick Beigeson “I’ll be down in a minute.”
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Scene 9 : WAYNE BRUCE KITCHEN
We next see Wayne Bruce sitting down to breakfast at the table in his kitchen. Dick Beigeson joins him, Alfredo Centworth, however, is nowhere to be seen. Aunt Harrieta makes her way slowly from the garden through the patio doors. She looks an absolute mess, her clothes are torn to shreds, she is plastered in mud head to foot and she has several twigs sticking in her hair.
Aunt Harrieta Dooper “Why, it’s Wayne and Dick. You are here, but I seem to remember, I mean didn’t the pair of you leave yesterday? You went on some kind of trip, wasn’t it? It was horseback riding, or hiking, no fishing. Wasn’t it a
fishing expedition you were going on? Unless of course I have gone and blacked out for the entire weekend, again.”
Wayne Bruce “Yes aunt Harrieta, that fishing trip we have been planning is actually later on today.”
Wayne stands up and offers his aunt his chair, kissing her gently on the head. As she sits down, he pours her a large cup of coffee, a large strong cup of black coffee and stands behind Dick, one hand on his shoulder. Dick momentarily looks back and they exchange a glance towards each other and look back towards Mrs. Dooper.
Dick Beigeson “Marjory Flangeworthy, by the way, did you and Marjory Flangeworthy have an enjoyable and productive afternoon together Mrs. Dooper?”
Aunt Harrieta Dooper “(quiet to herself)A bar, dancing with sailors, getting a tattoo, a bar-room fight, the police had to be called, the last thing I remember was punching a hooker. (louder and to Wayne and Dick) Why we had a splendid afternoon, thank you. Now you will excuse me I have some urgent phone calls
to make, (quieter and to herself again) and find some bail money for Marjory, my oh my.”
Aunt Harrieta gingerly gets up and delicately walks out of the kitchen swaying a little side to side barely making it out of the kitchen before knocking a plant
over on her way out. Out of shot, we hear the noise of a loud crash as aunt Harrieta has side-swiped a nest of tables, tripped and fallen head over tit over the lounge leather sofa. Wayne and Dick finish up their breakfast and take care of
the dishes.
Wayne Bruce “We’ll pass by the lounge and if she’s ok best leave her to sleep it off. Best also that she does not know that we know, at least let her keep her dignity.”
Dick Beigeson “Sure thing Wayne. I got to get my camera though. If this isn’t the perfect card for this Christmas, then I don’t know what is. I got to get on this right away.”
Wayne Bruce “Sure thing kid, I know what it was like to be young too. Sounds like a hoot, keep it tasteful.”
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Wayne and Dick pass the entrance to the lounge and look in on Mrs. Dooper as they are passing by. Both pass by suddenly with the colour drained out of their faces, they are as white as ghosts, what could they possibly have seen that has scared them so?
Dick Beigeson “Please Wayne please, I didn’t just see what I thought I just saw.
Tell me I didn’t just see what I think I just saw?” Wayne Bruce “Crikey, up-skirt no knickers shot.” Dick Beigeson “I think I am going to be sick.”
Wayne Bruce “Everything, I saw everything. The whole Jack n Danny, hold
me, Dick, I’m scared. I am thinking you might not be wanting to get your camera out for that photo opportunity. But if you do remember, make it as tasteful as possible.”
Dick Beigeson “No probs there man. Discretion, honour, respect, tastefulness, they are all my middle names. I wonder how much cash I could get for photos like these in the Octogenarian Readers Wives section of PlayMan magazine? Got to be some weird subsection of the community that would be like so into these. I just can’t think who or why.”
Dick runs quickly off to the bathroom. Then quite possibly to go and get his camera. Wayne is standing leaning on a door and slowly banging his head against the wall.
Wayne Bruce “Please God no, why, why. Take my sight, in the name of all that is good, please erase that memory from my very existence.”
I do believe now is the perfect opportunity for us to make our way somewhere else, anywhere else in fact.
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Scene 10 : WAYNE BRUCE LIBRARY
Later on, we see the pair of Wayne Bruce and Dick Beigeson back again in the spacious Wayne library sat at a desk both wearing very dark sunglasses and still looking a little grey.
Wayne Bruce “First rule. We will never talk about that we have just seen, ever old chum.”
Dick is still shaken, rocking back and forth and sobbing to himself.
Wayne Bruce “Second. WE WILL NEVER TALK. Ok same as the first.” Wayne stands up from his desk and paces around the room giving us a complete three-sixty degrees shot of the grand Wayne library and the mass collection of books at his disposal that Wayne and his ancestors have collected from across the globe over the years.
Wayne Bruce “Impressive collection, yet I haven’t read a single one of them, but I think you’ll agree it makes a stunning visual shot, and an intellect it makes me a look. Now back to the case at hand and a plan is what we need right now young Dick.”
Dick Beigeson “Any ideas Wayne?”
Wayne Bruce “As you know I spent part of my formative years studying criminal psychology, learning behavioural patterns, getting into the minds of the masters of criminology, learning how they think and what their motives have been and will be.”
Dick Beigeson “So, that’s a no then?”
Wayne Bruce “Pretty much.”
Dick Beigeson “I thought you just stumbled into all this shit, no pun intended,
when you fell down that manhole and found the Parodycave.”
Wayne Bruce “Thanks Dick, bad memories and all. Why don’t you just bring
up my parent’s death, while we are at it?”
Dick Beigeson “You didn’t let me finish, what I was about to say was that.” Wayne Bruce “Moving on, what we could do with right about now is some kind of plan.”
Dick Beigeson “Damn straight, it’s not like that first one went at all well.” Wayne Bruce “Precisely.”
Dick Beigeson “Walk up to the gates, ask nicely to come in and see the bad guys. I’m telling you we need to start packing some serious heat man. I’m talking major fire-power, kick down a few doors, blasting away at the bad guys and asking the questions after we get their attention. Might as well just have hidden in a giant wooden bunny rabbit and had ourselves delivered to the front of Jack Off’s gates.”
Wayne Bruce “You know that.” Dick Beigeson “No!!!!!”
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Wayne Bruce “Maybe not.”
Dick stands up quickly and throws his sunglasses off to the side with an excited tone to his voice.
Dick Beigeson “A party.”
Wayne Bruce “Nice idea old chum but, I don’t think now is the most opportune of times for us to throw a party. We do have a very important case here to solve and I don’t think the police Commissioner, the Chief of police or the good and fastidious people of Emoham City would be too pleased if we took time away from this important case to throw a party.”
Dick Beigeson “No, Jack Off’s party Wayne.”
Wayne Bruce “Even that kind of party I’m afraid and I know that they are your favourite kind. Remember the last one we had and the football team turned up and we all ended up buck naked in our next-door neighbours swimming pool, now that was a weekend.”
Dick Beigeson “Jack Off is throwing a party tonight at his mansion for all his billionaire friends, we gotta have an invite to that one around here somewhere. You are a billionaire after all.”
Wayne Bruce “Yes I am. I forgot about his party.”
Dick Beigeson “It is most convenient that I remembered then, now there is
dramatic writing for you.”
Wayne Bruce “Yes it is. You know if only there was a way we in the jet-setting social elite community could arrange a forum where such events could be advertised, then messages could be sent to all the right people who need to know of the event. The invited could send replies instantaneously confirming or regretting their unavailability, while at the same time informing their other chums of the engagement at hand. If they shared the same ‘friends’, those
‘friends’ could receive possible invitations to accept depending then on the host’s confirmation of their suitability. It could all be done not face to face, but almost anonymously, a greater social medium even than that of the mere telephonic system that we have right now. Because of the face to non-face, so to speak medium at the core of the idea we could call it, I don’t know Face, Face, Face- something.”
Dick Beigeson “Are you high Wayne?”
Wayne has stared out of the window for a few moments and then returns his attention back to Dick.
Dick Beigeson “Because if you are high, can I have some of what you are smoking dude?”
Wayne Bruce “Sorry there old chum, yes Jack Off’s party. I am sure that Alfredo would know if we have an invitation to Mr. Off’s party or not. Where is Alfredo?”
Dick Beigeson “Fuck knows.”
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Wayne Bruce starts to make it out of the library and notices the phone cord has been pulled out of the wall and so dutifully replaces the cord back into the socket. Almost instantaneously the Parodyphone illuminates and starts to ring. Wayne Bruce picks up the phone receiver and speaks to the caller, it is Commissioner Gordonson of course, well who else would it be? This time though we can hear both sides of the conversation. It was paramount to the tempo of the plot development that we couldn’t hear both sides earlier, oh just get over it.
Parodyman “Hello, Parodyman speaking here is that you Commissioner
Gordonson?”
Commissioner Gordonson “Yes err Parodyman I, you know for one moment you sounded almost exactly like that good egg billionaire and all round top- notch nice bloke Mr. Wayne Bruce.”
Parodyman “Really Commissioner?”
Commissioner Gordonson “Yes, but that would be nonsensical wouldn’t it? Just imagine that for a moment, a billionaire playboy running around in a mask and his pyjamas in his spare time solving crimes.”
Chief O’Klahoma can be heard softly in the background asking Commissioner Gordonson to say hello to Parodyman and Chaffinch from him.
Parodyman “Yes, just as ridiculous as a billionaire playboy putting on an obvious disguise and going out committing criminal activities.”
Dick Beigeson walks over to Wayne and whispers something into Wayne’s ears. Parodyman “By the way is Chief O’Klahoma there Commissioner?” Commissioner Gordonson “Yes he is Parodyman, why?”
Parodyman “Chaffinch wants me to pass on a message to him.”
Commissioner Gordonson “Go ahead Parodyman.”
Parodyman “Chaffinch says, a hat, then a swear word that starts with F and
ends with ing, hat.”
Commissioner Gordonson “Chief, Chaffinch says, a fucking hat, sounds like
some kind of code if you ask me.”
Parodyman “Was there a reason for this call Commissioner Gordonson or are
you just messing us around as usual?”
Commissioner Gordonson “No reason really. I actually picked up the wrong phone, to be honest, you see we had the munchies, and I was going to phone up for a pizza. But while I’ve got you on the line though Parodyman, any news to report on The Master Of Disguise? We’ve been hard at it over here doing, well, erm, we have been doing.”
Chief O’Klahoma “ (in the background smoking a bong) Sod all.” Commissioner Gordonson “Well, you see, it is like this, no plenty, police investigation, nothing worth bothering you about, red tape and all of that. Well, any news?”
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Parodyman “That will be taken care of, all in good time Commissioner, I
assure you of that. Right now I must bid you adieu, we have a dastardly criminal to apprehend. Hugs and kisses to the Chief and we both bid you a fond goodbye, for now.”
Dick Beigeson places the phone down for Wayne Bruce and is about to leave the Wayne library with him when he stops, turns, kneels down and rips the phone cable out of the socket.
Dick Beigeson “I damn well see why Alfredo ripped the phone out of its socket in the first place now. Not a moment’s peace to ourselves. What in the blue donkeys bollocks hell would those pair of ancient stoners do without the pair of us helping them out?”
Dick joins Wayne in the great Wayne hallway. Both of them are looking around the room looking a little puzzled, it is as if something or someone is missing that should be there.
Wayne Bruce “(shouts) Alfredo.”
Dick Beigeson “(also shouts) Alfredo.”
Wayne Bruce “Well, that has exhausted our inquiries on that. We’ve tried our best, with absolutely no luck at all. Any suggestions on what our next plan of action should be?”
Dick Beigeson “I guess, yes, yes I do. It might be a little off to the left, but right now I do believe that a little thinking outside the normal box is exactly what we need to be doing. So let us take a little leap of faith and follow me.”
You heard him, let us take that leap of faith with them and join the pair of them in the next scene.
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Scene 11 : JACUZZI
We return to find the awesome duo sharing some well-deserved downtime together in the Wayne jacuzzi, both of them are possibly only wearing their crime-fighting masks. With all the bubbles it is difficult to tell, they may be wearing shorts or possibly budgie smugglers. It is more than my jobs worth to investigate more into that, so don’t be going and asking me to do so. Just use your imagination.
Parodyman “I thought. Am I correct in saying that, didn’t this scene originally
get cut from the story?”
Chaffinch “Your right it did. We could even return to this scene a little later on. We don’t want to shatter the audience’s conceptions of the building complex sexual tensions and relationship between the two of us with any spoilers just yet now do we? If there are any at all, don’t want to even give that away at this moment.”
Parodyman “So, where were we going to be going originally after the scene in the hall?”
Chaffinch “We were always going to be going here after the hallway scene, but it was never going to be seen, just implied. I thought it would be fun, and as we are here anyway, we might as well enjoy it while we can. Have a little alone time, just for us.”
Parodyman “Yes, that is true.”
Chaffinch “We can even return here later on and really go to town with fucking with their minds. Let us say no more of that and leave the lovely readers in suspense.”
What could Chaffinch mean? Are there any building complex sexual tensions in their relationship? Where is Alfredo Centworth? What is catering serving for lunch today? All these questions may or may not be answered in the continuing adventures of Parodyman and Chaffinch.
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Scene 12 : GREAT HALL BRUCE MANOR
Back in the great Wayne hall Wayne Bruce and Dick Beigeson are towelling each other’s hair dry. Dick looks over surprised and picks up a letter off the side table and opens up the communication.
Dick Beigeson “Oh Look Wayne (spoken to the side) a table and letter. (spoken back to Wayne) It’s an invitation from Mr. J. Off to Mr. Wayne Bruce and Master Dick Beigeson for a pre-opening cocktail party for his new jazz nightclub, JAZZ In In Your Face, tonight at six p.m. at Jack Off Towers. What a fortuitous piece of luck Wayne that I find this letter, right at this very moment in time.”
Dick looks off to one side, a little miffed with something.
Dick Beigeson “What luck that is, what luck that table and this letter are there, at this precise moment. They were not there earlier, you know when they were supposed to be.”
Dick returns his attention back to Wayne. Wayne Bruce “JAZZ In in your face.”
Dick Beigeson “Maybe later Wayne. The party is tonight at six p.m, it’s only eleven a.m. Right now. What are we going to do with ourselves for the next seven hours?”
Wayne Bruce “Ignore the rules of continuity Dick, we will surely seamlessly
segue smoothly into the next scene.”
Dick Beigeson “Maybe a plot update, to keep everyone up to speed?”
Wayne Bruce “Right-on. Let us get changed for this evening fun at Mr. Off’s cocktail party. There we can, unlike yesterday, comfortably get to mix with Mr. Off. We can ask him a few questions without raising any suspicion and find a little more possibly about the identity of The Master Of Disguise, in a relaxed and charming social situation.”
Dick is giggling a little to himself.
Wayne Bruce “What is it Dick old chum?” Dick Beigeson “We both said ‘cock’.”
Dick is on the floor rolling around laughing, with tears in his eyes. Wayne puts his hands on his hips and shakes his head.
Wayne Bruce “Oh, Dick, Dick, Dick.”
I am sure you can insert your own jokes in here at this moment. Both turn around and go away to get changed for the evening.
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Scene 13 : JACK OFF’S PARTY
The scene at hand is that of the party of noted multi-billionaire Jack Off, his stocks have just this moment gone up. The pre-opening party for his brand new nightclub, JAZZ In In Your Face is an astounding success and is in full swing as we join it with musical accompaniment from a full jazz orchestra playing in the background. All of Emohams elite of society have turned out in attendance for the soiree of the year. Not including that is the party Jack Off will be throwing (remember this, important future plot WARNING) when the nightclub itself officially opens, any excuse for a free drinking session. Wayne and Dick are attired out in their finest black tuxedos and are already mingling with the other invited guests in attendance.
Dick Beigeson “Why look over there Wayne at that group, isn’t that John Henry Thief, Jonathan Burglar, Natalia Allanovna Smashngrab and Walter Fraud?” Wayne Bruce “You are right old chum and over there that’s Loki Plotthickens, Remy Murder, Raven Boottotheface, Adrian Stabum, and Maz
Highspeedpursuit if I am not mistaken.”
Dick Beigeson “Yes, and I don’t believe my eyes deceive me there is Reed Danger, Charles Francis Evil, Namor McSecretpast, Oswald Extortion and I do believe Mr. Lex Heist.”
Wayne Bruce “Crikey yes, then over here we have the delightful Miss Virginia Knuckleduster, Ralph Kneecrusher, Benjamin Timeoffforgoodbehaviour, Wade Carchase and by Jove I do believe that it’s Victor Itsafaircop.”
Dick Beigeson “And then.”
Wayne Bruce “Ok that’s enough of that, we don’t want to sound like name-
dropping star lovers and the budget for this is only so much after all.”
Dick Beigeson “At this moment in time I don’t see any sign of our host Jack Off
anywhere.”
Wayne Bruce “He’s probably waiting to make a grand entrance, waiting for the right moment to have all his guests here and boozed up before he graces us with his majestic presence. You know how those over bloated, self-centred, daddy left me all my money and I haven’t worked a day in my life, ego-maniacal, ivory tower living billionaire’s all love a warm hand on their entrance.”
Dick looks to the side with a look on his face that says he is going to say something, but then changes his mind on the comment he was going to make. Wayne Bruce “He’s standing right behind me isn’t he?”
Dick Beigeson “No, that’s scenarios been done to death.”
Wayne Bruce “Good.”
Dick Beigeson “I’m Ready.” Wayne Bruce “Let us boogie.” Dick Beigeson “Oh yeah.”
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Wayne is a little taken back when he sees someone he recognizes in the distance and walks over to the figure who has his back turned, but as Wayne taps the gentleman on the shoulder he turns around and it’s.
Wayne Bruce “Alfredo. What are you doing here?”
Alfredo Centworth “Oh it’s you. Surprise surprise and here comes Dick following loyally behind you. It’s not like the two of you have separate lives away from each other, or anything like that. Where there is one there is always the other.”
Dick Beigeson “Yo’ yo’ yo Alf baby, s’up dawg? What are you doing here my
player?”
Alfredo Centworth “It’s Alfredo, not Alf, and it’s none of your business what I am doing here. If you must know though I’m butlering, I am a butler, after all, that’s what I do, I buttle. What else would I be doing here, it’s not like I would be invited to one of these things, after all. Then there’s the money tight wad over here (Alfredo Centworth nods over to Wayne Bruce) is paying me, I need to
take other gigs to make more money. You have to see some of the prices the hookers charge me for some of the disgusting perverted things I want them to do to me and me to do to them. It’s outrageous, I’m almost a pensioner, I should get discounts. Now take a drink and go ahead and do some mingling, or whatever it is that you have got planned on doing here tonight.”
Wayne takes a drink, Dick is reaching for one also but Wayne stops him. Wayne Bruce “Not so fast there Dick, the serving of alcohol to a minor is, after all, a criminal offence and I would hate to have to make a citizen’s arrest, but I would have to you understand. Even on you my faithful old chum.”
Alfredo Centworth “Oh, lighten up on the boy you stuck up old fart. There’s some orange juice in that punch bowl over there, be a good chap and go and get the lad a glass of that, if the sticks not jammed too far up your arse that is.” Wayne turns around to the table with the punch bowl and glasses on it to get Dick a glass of his juice. Alfredo Centworth leans over and whispers to Dick. Alfredo Centworth “Listen up, I’ve got some L.S.D and a little bag of blow with me, we can drop a hit or two later on. Meet me in the Japanese garden in about an hour or so when the old man has got his slippers on and is sipping on his mug of hot chocolate.”
Mr. Bruce returns to Dick as Alfredo Centworth walks off and Wayne hands Dick a glass of his juice.
Wayne Bruce “There you go old chum.”
Dick Beigeson “(with a little wine to his tone) Thanks, dad.”
Wayne Bruce “Now listen we are.” Dick Beigeson “But.”
Wayne Bruce “We’ll talk about this later.”
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Wayne is interrupted by the sound of a trumpeter trumpeting and the band leader
stepping forward to the microphone to make an announcement.
Band Leader “My lords, ladies, and gentlemen. I most humbly give to you. Your host for tonight’s gathering multi-billionaire, philosopher, raconteur, modern-day free-thinker, playboy, hero, bon vivant, poet, teacher of nations, multi-billionaire, style guru, leader of men, innovator, lover of small animals, well-hung stud muffin (winks to the crowd), friend to the world, all around top- notch righteous dude and multi-billionaire Mr. Off, Mr. Jaaaaaaaaaack Off.” The band leader swings his arm towards the grand stairway giving it the entire room’s attention. As the guests start to clap and show their appreciation there at the top is standing Mr. Jack Off. Mr. Off is wearing a garish sparkly red sequinned jacket and has the look of a game show host. He stands there accepting the applause for a while before making his way down the grand stairway before him. Wayne Bruce steps forward to shake Mr. Off’s hand.
Jack Off “A white wine spritzer my good man and do straighten yourself up. You are serving at a fine evening of class, intellectual conversation and sophistication with imported wine, sparkling Champagne and caviar, not a chomp down at a burger joint dear.”
Mr. Off saunters past Wayne as Commissioner Gordonson walks up and shakes
Wayne by the hand.
Commissioner Gordonson “Why, Mr. Bruce how good it is to see you here and
your lovely date for the, oh it is you, Dick.” Wayne Bruce “Commissioner.” Commissioner Gordonson “Wayne.”
Dick Beigeson “Commissioner.” Commissioner Gordonson “Dick.” Dick Beigeson “Wayne.”
Wayne Bruce “Dick.”
A stunning young woman walks over and stands next to Commissioner Gordonson taking a hold of his right arm. The young lady has raven black hair that cascades down seductively close to her ample bosom. Only a hint of make- up shows off her stunning natural beauty. She is wearing black high heels, a low-cut black dress leaving nothing to the imagination with elbow length black gloves and a pearl necklace. If you think there is going to be a pearl necklace joke coming soon, you are probably right.
Wayne Bruce “And, well, yes, this has to be your, well I. Can I say possibly niece, daughter, I’m thinking some kind of distant relative or someone you have hired for the night.”
Commissioner Gordonson “Wife.”
Wayne Bruce “Wife!!!!!” Dick Beigeson “Wife!!!!!”
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Commissioner Gordonson “Yes my wife. Twenty, Romanian. Brought her over here on one of those deals, you know bung the family a few dollars, a little extra for her air flight and bobs your uncle. Doesn’t speak much of the language, but then we haven’t had much time for talking if you know what I mean. Did I mention she is twenty? Wayne, Dick may I present to you Catalina Alexia Cristynia Ana-Maria Romona Titiana Juliana Stefania Rustacovavinski. What am I saying, formerly Miss Catalina Alexia Cristynia Ana-Maria Romona Titiana Juliana Stefania Rustacovavinski now Mrs. Catalina Alexia Cristynia Ana-Maria Romona Titiana Juliana Stefania Gordonson. I call her Kit Kat and believe me guys this is one sweet hot little pussy cat you want to be snuggled up in your lap all night and day. My dear this, may I present to you is billionaire playboy Mr. Wayne Bruce and his erm, his ‘ward’ Dick Beigeson.”
Wayne and Dick both take it in turns to lean forward and kiss her hand.
Wayne Bruce “Delighted to make your acquaintance Mrs. Gordonson. I must say you look most stunningly beautiful tonight, gorgeous, statuesque may I say. Why even the very goddess Aphrodite herself would pale in comparison next to your charm, elegance, and beauty.”
Dick Beigeson “Yeah, what he just said.” Mrs. Gordonson “Charmed.”
Wayne Bruce “Delightful pearl necklace you have. Did Mr. Gordonson give you that pearl necklace?”
See we were right, there had to be. Mrs. Gordonson “Yes.”
Wayne leans a little closer to Commissioner Gordonson. Wayne Bruce “(quieter) But what happened to Sarah?” Commissioner Gordonson “Who?”
Wayne Bruce “Sarah Commissioner, your wife, your other wife.” Commissioner Gordonson “Oh her. Well, you know, I know people who know people and they, let’s just say people disappear every day and we’ll hear no more of that matter. Did I mention she’s twenty?”
There is a stony silence in the air for a few moments. Commissioner Gordonson “So, what brings you here?” Wayne and Dick are still staring at the new Mrs. Gordonson. Wayne Bruce “A taxi, you see the Paro.”
Dick Beigeson “Oh you know these Billionaires, any excuse for a party and they
are up for it in a flash.” Wayne Bruce “Yes.”
Dick Beigeson takes Catalina by the hand.
Dick Beigeson “Come on let us go and dance.”
The two youngsters take their leave, leaving Wayne and Commissioner Gordonson standing together.
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Wayne Bruce “So, Commissioner.”
Commissioner Gordonson “Jim. Please call me Jim.” Wayne Bruce “Why?”
Commissioner Gordonson “It’s my name. James Woody Gordonson. My friends all call me Jim.”
Wayne Bruce “And Chief O’Klahoma.”
James Gordonson “He’s more of a colleague I would say than a friend, but on the occasion we have the opportunity to get together to you know mix socially, he does call me James. Unless he’s pissed, then he calls me Jim-lad, Jimbo or sometimes Jimmy-jams.”
Wayne Bruce “I mean what is Chief O’Klahoma’s full name?” James Gordonson “Oh yes, Milton, Milton O’Klahoma.” Wayne Bruce “Marmaduke.”
James Gordonson “Excuse me.”
Wayne Bruce “Marmaduke, my middle name is Marmaduke. Wayne Marmaduke Bruce, the second. Young Dick is Richard Julian Beigeson.” Wayne points over at young Dick who is dirty dancing behind Mrs. Gordonson and mimicking slapping her bottom whilst waving his arm in the air like he is riding a horse.
James Gordonson “Well, I never.”
Wayne Bruce “So, where is O’Klahoma tonight James? Is he here by chance?”
James Gordonson is laughing a little and shaking his head.
James Gordonson “Wayne, they’re scrapping the bottom of the barrel here just letting me in, you don’t think they would let the likes of him in as well do you?” Wayne Bruce “Well, I. So, Mr. Off, yes. I was wondering by chance if there was a possibility if you knew him personally, on a more intimate level. I would be honoured if that is the case with an introduction, if you are of his acquaintance that is.”
James Gordonson “Well, if all that means do I know Jack Off, then yes I do.”
Wayne Bruce “Good.”
James Gordonson “There he is over there. Let us together perambulate henceforth and immediately in the general vicinity of his presence to make sure we have the opportunity to converse, at once, with the very man of the hour. See I can talk all of that pompous load of posh bollocks as good as anyone else can too. Piece of cake.”
We now see James Gordonson and Wayne Bruce walk over to the host of the evening, Mr. Jack Off.
James Gordonson “Mr. Off.” Mr. Off turns to Mr. Gordonson. Jack Off “Yes.”
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James Gordonson “Commissioner Gordonson, Commissioner of police for
Emoham City.”
Jack Off “Yes of course Commissioner Gordonson. Devilishly charming to see
you once again my dear James, how the devil are you?” James Gordonson “Good thank you and allow me to.”
Mr. Gordonson attempts to introduce Mr. Bruce to Mr. Off.
Jack Off “I say, waiter, I see you still look frightful and where is my white wine spritzer? I asked the chap simply eons ago for a drink. I don’t know it doesn’t matter how much cash you splash out you still can’t get the staff, hello earth to help, earth to help.”
James Gordonson “This Mr. Off I would like to introduce you to is fellow
billionaire Mr. Wayne Bruce.”
Jack Off “Oh, well easy mistake to make. Nice to meet you, Mr. Bruce. Only just a billionaire? Oh well, never mind. I must get you the name of my tailor, but for now, charmed I’m sure.”
Jack Off extends a hand to Wayne, they both shake hands. Wayne Bruce “Mr. Off.”
Jack Off “That’s my name, don’t wear it out, dear.”
Wayne Bruce “I would like to thank you for the invite to your party, I quite
look forward to JAZZ In In Your Face.”
Jack Off “Oh saucy, you’ll have to buy me dinner first.”
Wayne Bruce “Come again.”
Jack Off “Oh I’m sure I will dearest.”
Mr. Off is laughing at his own joke.
Wayne Bruce “I think we are having two different conversations here. Thank
you for your most gracious invitation.”
Jack Off “Oh, I have a chap who does all that for me, dear. I haven’t got the
foggiest idea who half of these people are.”
Jack Off throws a little wave to his right and puts a hand up to his mouth giving
the sign of the receiver of a telephone and mimes the words ‘call me’. Jack Off “Got to be seen haven’t we dear, you know what I mean.” Mr. Jack Off looks up and down at Wayne Bruce.
Jack Off “Or maybe not, really my tailor, absolute miracle worker darling.” Wayne Bruce “Speaking of miracles. I was conversing with our dear Commissioner James Gordonson earlier about a frightful case he is working on at the moment. Such a miracle it was that no one was hurt in that daring bank robbery that took place at our very own First International Bank Of Emoham City, don’t you think?”
Jack Off “Yes that, an awfully common and vulgar affair. My brother informed me of the situation, he read some information about it in one of those trashy rags he reads all the time.”
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Wayne Bruce “Your brother Mr. Off.”
Jack Off “Yes my brother, my twin brother, Peter.”
Wayne Bruce “Peter Off, I didn’t know that you had a brother.”
Jack Off “Yes, he’s a little more down to earth than me. A little grounded shall we say, salt of the earth and all that and very much a man of the people. He even has one of those, oh what do you call them? Oh you know, people go to them every day.”
Wayne Bruce “Jobs.”
Jack Off “Yes that’s them. One of them. Drives his own car. Cooks his own meals. Cleans his own clothes. I hear he even takes to his toilet without any assistance, savage I say. What is the world coming to?”
Wayne Bruce “Quite, is he here?”
Mr. Off gives Wayne Bruce an astonished look, one hand on chest and cheeks
slightly sunken in.
Jack Off “Here, you have to be joking my dear. No. This isn’t his scene at all, oh no, oh deary me no. Not ever in a month of Sunday’s would this ever be his kind of thing.”
Wayne Bruce “When was the last time you saw him?”
Jack Off “I see him at least once a month if I must. He does a fair bit of accountancy work for my businesses. In fact, now that you mention it, he’s going to be at the Jack Off ‘s Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy School For Pimps And Ho’s all of next week. I believe he is taking care of the books or something like that. I must give him a call some time.”
Wayne Bruce “Really, now that’s very interesting.” Mr. Off looks uninterested.
Jack Off “It is? Oh my, you really need to get out more my dear boy.” Neither Mr. Wayne Bruce nor Mr. Jack Off has noticed that Commissioner James Gordonson had left and returned. He is looking a tad bit bored and
nursing a flute of Champagne. Wayne is turning his head slightly as his eyes are
darting around the room.
Jack Off “Is everything all right dear?”
Wayne Bruce “Yes Mr. Off I’m just looking for Dick.”
Jack Off “Oh, are you now. Aren’t we the dark horse then. Maybe there’s hope for you, after all, maybe all is not lost. I didn’t know you were even playing on our team.”
Wayne Bruce “Dick Beigeson, my young ward. We came together, that is we came to the party together.”
Jack Off “Oh, never mind, but this young Dick.”
Wayne Bruce “We live together. That is he lives in my care. Not that I care for him you understand. Ever since his parents passed away in a tragic accident then it has been my honour to.”
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Jack Off “Utterly fascinating as his long and drawn out life story is to me, but you must excuse me right now. I am afraid I have to go right now, somewhere, I am not sure where but anywhere will do right now away from this boring conversation.”
Mr. Off turns and waves again into the distance and is seen walking away from Wayne Bruce and James Gordonson, talking to anyone he passes as he goes along his merry way.
Jack Off “Cooee dear, Jeremy, oh my, haven’t seen you in an age, you silly old queen. Give me a ring-ring any time dearest, we must do lunch some time my darling.”
James Gordonson “Stupid old puff.”
Wayne Bruce “You will have to excuse me also right now Jim. I am off to find Dick, that is I mean that I am off right now to look for Dick. That is I mean to say that I need Dick. Oh, you know what I am trying to say. I am going right now before I say anything else that get’s me into a tight hole, I mean tight situation.”
Wayne Bruce walks off through the crowd of guests. James Gordonson stops a
passing waiter and retrieves a large bottle of Champagne from him.
James Gordonson “Got any of the really good whiskey waiter? The kind he has hidden away, not the cheap muck he is serving us. Be a good chap and run us over a bottle of that really good brand. I’m off for a quick slash, I’ll be back here in five.”
Away Commissioner Gordon goes and away we must go also, but only to our next scene that is. Where could that possibly be? We’ll find out in just a few short moments. Or longer if you also need to go and spend a penny, or make a nice light lunch.
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Scene 14 : JACK OFF’S GARDEN
Wayne is walking towards the veranda windows and we see outside across into the garden. There we see that Dick Beigeson is standing alone behind a waist- high bush sipping a glass of his juice. Wayne Bruce has stepped out on to the veranda and is beckoning over to Dick.
Wayne Bruce “Dick old chum, I have found you at last. Are you ok there my
young friend?”
Dick Beigeson “Yeah cool, thanks, dude!”
Wayne Bruce “But for heaven’s sake Dick what are you doing out here in the garden all alone?”
Dick Beigeson “You know, just getting a bit of fresh air. It was kind of, it was just a little warm inside, that’s it yes, you know from all the dancing, oh yes the dancing. So I stepped out for a few moments, yes that’s good. You know to get a bit of fresh air, oh yes.”
Wayne Bruce “As long as you are all right out there old chum then, just wanted to check up on you.”
Dick Beigeson “Yeah good-good, really good yes. You go in man, enjoy yourself, have some of the poached salmon and dill vol au vents. They’re awesome man, oh yes yes they are so fucking awesome, oh yes.”
Wayne Bruce “If you are sure that you are fine? I will make my way back to
the party.”
Dick Beigeson “Yeah sure go on in I will be coming, oh I will be coming. I
mean I will be joining you back inside in a bit, oh yes I will.”
Wayne turns and starts to walk back into the party, stopping and slowly turning his head for a moment. Dick is still standing behind the hedge waving back at Wayne with a dopey grin on his face.
Wayne turns again and returns into the party. From behind the hedge, we see the raven black hair and then the head of the seductive Mrs. Catalina Alexia Cristynia Ana-Maria Romona Titiana Julian Stefania Gordonson raise into view smiling as she wipes her mouth clean of, well you can, I am sure, use your imagination on that one.
Dick Beigeson “Did I say stop bitch. Get back down there. It won’t be sucking
itself at any time in the future.”
Catalina’s head returns down to the position it was in before and Dick again has
a big grin on his face, a mile wide.
Dick Beigeson “Now that’s what I’m talking about right there baby.”
Back to the party, we go.
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Scene 15 : RETURN TO JACK OFF’S PARTY
Back in the party and Wayne Bruce is walking around looking a little at a loss for what to do with himself. A very famous television and movie star, whom unfortunately for legal reasons we are unable to name and we have checked this out with our lawyer. I asked him, I said come on Bernie the people are going to be interested in this one, but no I am afraid they were adamant on that. Anyway, that star, the one that we can not mention the name of, he, or she walks past in front of Mr. Bruce.
Behind Wayne in the background just out of shot then coming in to shot we see a very drunk Mrs. Harrieta Dooper arms wrapped around two buff sailor’s holding on to two bottles of gin and wearing one of the sailor’s hats. Next, to her, we see Ms. Marjory Flangeworthy who is also in a similar state, but with a
bra on her head. Both women have seen Wayne, but Wayne does not see the two ladies. Mrs. Dooper is staggering around doing a fishing mime and Ms. Flangeworthy is miming a blow job, they both whisper to each other and slowly make their way out of the shot without Wayne’s knowledge of their presence.
We do hear a few moments later a small crash off in the distance. Wayne motions his head around to where the disturbance has taken place, but there is nothing to be seen. Dick Beigeson now returns to the scene, and yes still with a VERY big smile on his face. An Appropriate time to give him a high five, maybe, you decide that one.
Wayne Bruce “Dick old chum, you are back. Are you feeling all refreshed after
your time in the garden?”
Dick Beigeson “Damn straight dude.”
Wayne Bruce “And Mrs. Catalina Alexia Cristynia Ana-Maria Romona Titiana Juliana Stefania Gordonson.”
Dick Beigeson “Who?”
Wayne Bruce “Mrs. Gordonson, Commissioner Gordonson’s ‘wife’, you were dancing with her before, is she back with uncle pervert. I mean Commissioner Gordonson? Is she back with her husband?”
Dick Beigeson “She was on her knees the last time I saw, I mean, I believe she’s powdering her nose.”
Wayne Bruce “This party has been a success and has given me some very valuable information old chum regarding our good friend Mr. The Master Of Disguise.”
Dick Beigeson “What is it?”
Wayne Bruce “Not now old comrade in arms, these walls have ears and all of that, if you know what I mean. We can talk about the information I have received in the morning. I have a plan that might just get us a little closer to blowing this case wide open.”
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Dick Beigeson “(a little quieter) Blow, speaking of which Alfredo. (then a little louder) Listen, Wayne I got to shake the snake, I’ll be back in a bit. You go on and have yourself some fun now, get a few drinks down you, loosen up a bit, shake your booty on the dance floor, you know you’ve got it. Tomorrows another day, take the night off and have some good times, we can think of work then. As for tonight, what you need to do more than anything is just enjoy the moment man.”
Dick takes off looking for Alfredo Centworth. Wayne Bruce casually wanders away into the middle of the dance floor and starts to dance around a bit close to a group of young women. They are mostly ignoring him and dancing with each other. Wayne pulls out a money clip with a huge wad of cash in it, he waves his large wad in their direction.
Wayne Bruce “Ladies, allow me to introduce myself, I am the one and only Wayne Bruce and I am a billionaire. Please don’t all crowd me at once, on second thoughts do, by all means.”
There are all of a sudden a gaggle of beautiful foxy young women surrounding Mr. Wayne Bruce. Wayne Bruce looks directly into the camera and gives one of his best smiles.
Wayne Bruce “It is so good to be me. Works every time. I still got it. I still got the charm.”
We pan back on the scene of the dance floor to a wide shot of the party in full swing, then with soft music in our ears and a notion of romance filling the air we slowly fade to purple. Well, it makes a change from all this fading to black we have been doing.
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Scene 16 : EMOHAM CITY STREET
The next time we see the pairing of Mr. Wayne Bruce and Dick Beigeson they are walking down a busy street of Emoham City. They are both dressed very extravagantly indeed, showing a look of the utmost prestige and an abundance of power and wealth.
Both are wearing garments of exotic lush fabrics, cashmere, silk, sateen, fur, rayon, they look the business. The colours are lively and coordinated in a multitude of Mardi Gras like tones. They have white double-breasted suits made of silk. There are hints of animal print, tiger and leopard, with matching and contrasting vests.
They are distinguished from regular businessmen and give every opportunity to show that off. Their shoes are expensive alligator leather and have the look of bedazzlement to them.
Their style is flashy and is turning heads as they walk on by, they command attention and authority. Even in the hot weather of Emoham City, they are wearing purple scarfs and fur jackets. Men passing think they recognize them and the women show respect towards them.
They have the accessories down to a T with dark shades, a cane each and sporting the finest jewellery, watches, necklaces, rings encrusted with precious stones and a such. They are communicating to the world that they are players. They are pimped out no doubt, that’s for sure.
Dick Beigeson “Explain the plan of yours to me just one more time then
Wayne.”
Wayne Bruce “Sure thing, but today call me Wayney baby, we need to work on
Ebonics. Have you been reading the book I gave to you for your birthday?” Dick Beigeson “Sure thing I did. I’m down with dat player.”
Wayne Bruce “So, as it turns out as I found out at last nights party. (plot update on the way now folks) Mr. Jack Off apparently has a brother, a Mr. Peter Off, a twin brother in fact.”
Dick Beigeson “A twin brother. Are you thinking what I am thinking?”
Wayne Bruce “Why yes, I hope.”
Dick Beigeson “That we could stop for ice cream on the way home.”
Wayne Bruce “Well, yes old chum, but also there could be a possibility that the man we saw on the surveillance footage of the bank robbery could be, not Mr. Jack Off as we first envisaged, but actually his twin brother Peter Off. Now that would be a twist to the plot.”
Dick Beigeson “Crikey, double trouble Wayney baby. You were right when you said back in the Parodycave in scene four, just to keep everyone in touch with us here, there could be more to this case than meets the eye.”
Wayne Bruce “Correct.”
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Dick Beigeson “What are we doing in these crazy get-ups and where are we
going, Wayney baby? You wild and crazy hepcat you.”
Dick Beigeson and Wayne Bruce attempt to high five each other, sadly they
miss. I don’t know these white boys, attempting to act black.
Wayne Bruce “I’m so glad you asked me that Dickey(here comes more of the plot update). As it turns out Peter Off shall be working at one of Jack Off’s business’s all this week and so we are going to be infiltrating inside one of these to attempt to get a little closer to Mr. Peter Off so that we can learn more about him and try to bring him to justice as we reveal him to be, The Master Of Disguise. The business in question is that of Jack Off ‘s Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy School For Pimps And Ho’s. We have these right on outrageous ensembles on so we can slide on into their joint and blend in with all the other cool cats and swinging dudes and dudettes. You dig what I’m saying man, can you grove to that?”
Dick Beigeson “Cool. Where did you get these outfits from?”
Wayne Bruce “Well, I don’t think the writer has come out with any valid viable explanations concerning that as of yet as to where we acquired these clothes, so, for now, let’s just let that one slide.”
Dick Beigeson “Dat’s cool with me homie.”
Wayne Bruce “Right on.”
A behind shot of the two funksters shows Dickey and Wayney low-five each other as they smoothly jive on down the street (maybe a little funky disco music blaring out of one of the nearby buildings to accompany them). Soon they come to the not so low key entrance to Jack Off ‘s Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy School For Pimps And Ho’s easily distinguished from the other businesses by the flashing pink neon sign with the Jack Off logo, a grinning smiley face with a hat on and ’Jack Off ‘s Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy School For Pimps And Ho’s’ splashed across it in neon green. Subtle a business this is not. A large African/American bouncer is standing at the front entrance.
Wayne Bruce “I do believe that this is the right time to put our crash course in Ebonics into play.”
Dick Beigeson “I’m ready like Freddy, homie.”
Wayne Bruce “Yo dere dread we’s would bof like ta enter dis ere crib bro, brace
yo’self dere, na wot I be saying der dawg?”
Dick Beigeson “Yo muh mutha fuckin nigga ere iz correct skin, we’s would bof
like ta enrol in dis ere skool and git sheniquh’s ass back ova’ ere dawg.”
Wayne Bruce “Yo ah do hope we’s bein’ und’stood ere an’ can enter so we’s can
go ta class okay buh-weet”
Dick Beigeson “Tru dat, yeah my man, exactly now let us pass on by my bro or some one’s goin’ ta git smacked around, up in this beatch, you know das right player.”
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Wayne Bruce “Yo, my man, my player, an’ we’s gots sum fine ass lookin’ beotches, I is telling you back at d pad we wants ta git back on to. If you do’t mind us getting’ in we would be showing some massive tru amounts of der respect due der to ya’ bredrin, ya know wat I be sayin player, sho nuff to yer mutha on dat one.”
The bouncer so far is looking so very unimpressed with the duo’s attempts to get their selves into the building.
Bouncer “(with an upper East side Manhattan accent) Listen up guys, I get it ok, you guys are so white. Here’s what I can do for the two of you right at this very moment. If you both replenish me with the amount of twenty dollars each, then and only then can I let you both go into this very building. Now that to me sounds a very good deal for you two upstanding members of this community. Or I could just go ahead and break both of your legs instead, the decision I will leave up to you.”
Wayne removes his massive wallet out of his jacket pocket and hands over to
the bouncer a nice brand new clean crisp fifty dollar bill.
Wayne Bruce “Der wi goes ma bredrin. I’m sorry. I mean here’s fifty dollars for
your trouble my good man and have a pleasant day.”
Wayne Bruce and Dick Beigeson walk past the bouncer at the door and enter
into the Jack Off ‘s Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy School For Pimps And Ho’s.
Wayne Bruce “Well, that was easy enough. Went quite smoothly if you ask
me.”
Dick Beigeson “That is so fly, my man, we got that as sound as a pound, you
know what I am talking about?”
Wayne Bruce “Ok, I do believe now would be the appropriate time for you to stop that.”
Let us, with them enter into the building and find out what information can be gathered once we have entered within.
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Scene 17 : JACK OFF’S PIMPIN’ SCHOOL
Wayne and Dick are walking around the school checking out the different classes. As an old janitor walks by them there can be seen a teacher walking confidently towards them. He is a thin tall man with short black, but greying hair, black moustache, he is wearing a tweed jacket and speaks to them with an English accent.
Teacher “You two, yes you two. Are you students here or are you just wandering around the corridors trying to find out some incriminating evidence against someone here at the school? Well, come on I haven’t got all day, out with it. What may I ask are the pair of you up to then? I want answers and right now is when I want them.”
Wayne Bruce “We are students, we are here to learn.”
Teacher “My class is just about to start, the room just so happens to be right
here.”
The teacher points to a door near the pair of them.
Teacher “Come on then the two of you, get in, we haven’t got all day, I don’t know, standing around here wasting my time.”
Dick opens the door and all three of them walk into the room. Wayne and Dick sit down at a pair of desks and the teacher stands by the blackboard and starts to write his name with a piece of chalk.
Teacher “Right then, quiet in the back. My name is Mr. Basil and I am your teacher. In this class, I will be teaching you ‘Pimpin’ Yo’ Crib 101′. I will take the register as read and that anyone whom should be here is here and if not, well
tough. I take it everyone has a copy of my book ‘Pimpin’ Yo Crib 101′, if not see me after class and I will furnish you with a copy. For now, and I am talking to the new members of the class, you can share with your colleagues to your left and right. Well come on then you are not conjoined by the hip. Now if you will turn to page number sixty-nine, no laughing at the back there, yes I’m looking at you Mr. Buggy Hare, and no chewing gum in my class, it is just so very vulgar a habit young man.”
Dick puts his hand up.
The teacher shoots a displeased glance over towards his new student and carries on talking.
Mr. Basil “There will be no questions until the end of the class. Even then I might choose not to answer them, so put your hand down boy. I don’t care if you do want to go to the toilet, tie a knot in it.”
Dick puts his hand down looking crestfallen.
Mr. Basil picks up a copy of his book ‘Pimpin’ Yo’ Crib 101′ (available now in
all good book-stores and a few quite dodgy ones also) and starts to read out from
one of the passages.
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Mr. Basil “The location of Yo’ Pimpin’ Crib. It is essential that Yo’ Pimpin’ Crib is situated in a prominent position for the business to maximize the clientele. Picking a bad location for Yo’ Pimpin’ Crib, even with the best proficient of Ho’s, a wicked posse and a bad-ass solid reputation is bad for business. A business such as the one you wish to promote is all about the location, location, location.”
Mr. Basil now talks to the class away from the syllabus of his book, not before throwing a piece of chalk at a couple of students talking amongst themselves at the back of the room.
Mr. Basil “You may, for example, have a ho on your books that is known by her clientele to be able to perform an act involving let us say for example a trapeze, two midgets and a bowling ball that brings them in Statewide. But, if you have a bad location for your base of operation, then that whole operation just falls down around at your feet.”
Mr. Basil stands up from his desk and returns to the blackboard.
Wayne turns to Dick and whispers to him.
Wayne Bruce “Time for us to make a quick exit I think.”
Dick Beigeson “Good idea.”
The pair quietly sneaks out of the class through the back door (insert your own back door joke if you wish) without garnishing the attention of Mr. Basil and are back out in the corridor.
Dick Beigeson “We are obviously not getting very far with this line of inquiries, we need to try another method.”
Wayne Bruce “Any suggestions old chum?”
Dick Beigeson “There must be a secretary around here or possibly some kind of information desk with someone that we could ask. That might be helpful to us.” Wayne Bruce “Good thinking, but where would that be I wonder?”
Wayne and Dick are looking around the corridor. Dick points towards a desk. Dick Beigeson “We could try over there, next to that sign saying information.” Wayne Bruce “Good call.”
The pair walk over to the information desk. There is a middle-aged woman in her early forties sat behind the desk. She has a ginger beehive hairstyle and an overabundance of plastic jewellery. Her nails are painted bright red and she is filling them down as the pair make their way over to her desk. She is wearing a jacket with a strawberry pattern print, no we can’t think why either. The name on her ‘Hello My Name Is....’ badge says Mrs. Doris Day.
Doris Day “(a strong New York accent) Yeah what do you want?”
Wayne Bruce “You are not.”
Doris Day “No I’m not her, it is just a coincidence that we just both happen to have the same name. Now, what do you want? I have plenty of other things I could be doing right now.”
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Wayne Bruce “Well, I was wondering, if it wasn’t too much trouble if you
could be of some assistance to us?” Doris Day “What?”
Wayne Bruce “I said. I was wondering if it wasn’t too much.”
Doris Day “I heard you the first time already. I am asking you what kind of
assistance is it that you want?”
Wayne Bruce “We are looking for someone.” Doris Day “To whom are you looking for?” Wayne Bruce “A Mr. Peter Off.”
Doris Day “Who?”
Wayne Bruce “Peter Off, he is Jack Off’s brother.”
Dick Beigeson “Twin brother.” Doris Day “Never heard of him.”
Wayne Bruce “Peter Off, Jack Off’s twin brother. This is Jack Off ‘s Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy School For Pimps And Ho’s owned by billionaire playboy Jack Off. His twin brother is Peter, Peter Off. It is to he we wish to speak to, Peter Off that is not his twin brother Jack, but Peter. It is Mr. Peter Off that we wish to converse with.”
Doris Day “Never heard of him.”
Wayne Bruce “Let me explain the situation again, just one more time to clarify our position at the moment.”
Bruce is starting looking a little bit frustrated.
Doris Day “Look, fellah, I understand the situation perfectly. I understand what you are saying, but like I said I have never heard of him. Probably because Mr. Jack Off does not have a brother, twin brother or otherwise by the name of Peter Off.”
Dick Beigeson “Oh yeah, is that right lady and how long have you been
working here anyway, may I ask?”
Doris Day “I have been working here since the day this school opened its doors
for business young man.”
Dick Beigeson “Yeah ok, well that doesn’t mean a thing. What makes you so knowledgeable about Mr. Off anyway? What makes you so certain he doesn’t have a twin brother then? Go on answer that one and still look cool, Mrs. Day.” Doris Day “Because I’m Mr. Jack Off’s sister, half-sister, long story. Won’t go into that right now. Has nothing to do with the plot anyway.”
Dick’s face has suddenly gone all blank. Wayne is looking all around trying not to make any kind of eye contact with Mrs. Day.
Dick Beigeson “Oh, ok. Wayne, it’s all yours.”
Wayne Bruce “Thanks a lot. Well Mrs. Day thank you for your help and please have a most enjoyable day, no pun intended there you understand. Dick let us be off, quickly now.”
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Dick Beigeson “What pun?”
Wayne Bruce and Dick Beigeson make their way slowly then quicker along the corridor, out of the main entrance doors and on to the street. The bouncer is still standing there guarding the entrance way.
Bouncer “Good afternoon gentlemen and have a nice day.”
Both turn as they are walking away. Dick Beigeson “Fuck off!!!!!”
The two of them are now to be seen running off down the side-walk and are also dumping some of the outfits they are wearing into nearby trash cans as they pass them by.
Dick Beigeson “Is this another one of those situations we are never to talk about
again then Wayne?”
Wayne Bruce “Yes Dick. You know this means Jack Off lied to us.”
Dick Beigeson “What’s this us shit? You, don’t you mean, he lied to you. I didn’t even meet the guy.”
Wayne Bruce “All right then, he lied to me. Mr. Off threw a spanner into the works to intentionally throw us off the scent. He sent us on the proverbial wild goose chase. He told me that he had a brother, a twin brother to get us chasing our own tail, so to speak. He knew that we would come here to the Jack Off ‘s Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy School For Pimps And Ho’s. That diversion would buy him some valuable time.”
Dick Beigeson “But why would he do that?”
Wayne Bruce “Are association with the Commissioner. He obviously saw through my questioning and concluded that we might be reporting back to the Commissioner, who would then report back with any information to Parodyman and Chaffinch. So he fed us downright false information to give us the runaround.”
Dick Beigeson “Or he could have been just dicking around with you. You know for the heck of it.”
Wayne Bruce “True.”
Dick Beigeson “So, after all of that palaver, now what are you going to suggest
that we do next?”
Wayne Bruce “Now, we take him down.”
Dick Beigeson “Oh, F to the U to the C to that K yeah. We are about to get down with that!!!!!”
Dick gives a little hop, a skip and a little jump, he seems happy now that he is finally going to get to kick some ass.
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Scene 18 : JACK OFF’S MANSION
We see the gates and then the road then back to the gates again. There is a soft rumbling noise in the background. We go back to the road and in the distance, we see a tank, it is the Parodytank and it is being driven towards the gates of Jack Off Towers. Through the top of the roof, we see Chaffinch standing and signalling man-oeuvres with his arms then shouting out instructions to Parodyman who is inside unseen driving the Parodytank straight towards the gates.
The Parodytank smashes through the solid iron gates and drives up the road towards Jack Off Towers, parking directly outside the main doors next to Jack Off’s pink Cadillac. Chaffinch climbs through the hatch on to the roof of the vehicle and jumps off the tank and down on to the ground. Parodyman’s head
has popped up from inside the tank. He then also climbs up through the hatch on to the roof and jumps down to join Chaffinch at his side. Chaffinch punches one of his fists into his other open hand.
Chaffinch “It’s ass whooping time dude.”
The main doors to the mansion swing violently open and a very angry looking butler walks out of the doors carrying a shot-gun in his hands. The butler is raising the gun and walking towards the awesome duo as Parodyman steps forward and with one right punch to the face knocks the butler spark out and down on his ass.
Parodyman “So, how do you like this ’freaky deaky hippy weirdo tree hugging
war dodging drop out’ now then?”
The crime-fighters attempt another high five and miss, again. Chaffinch “You tell him.”
Mr. Jack Off walks out of the door in a pair of luxuriously stylish salmon pink silk pyjamas.
Jack Off “Well, hello ducky, aren’t I the lucky boy. It’s not my birthday you know,
but thank you.”
Parodyman “Zip it, Matilda. We’re here to take you in for the robbery at the First International Bank Of Emoham City, what do you have to say about that then?” Jack Off “Who knocked out my butler? Was it one of you? Why did one of you knock out my butler?”
Parodyman “I said, we’re here to take you in for the robbery at the First International Bank Of Emoham City, have you anything to say about that?” Jack Off “Listen here my darlings. I really don’t know what you are going on about, standing there in that too die for ravishing little costume you have on, oh
it’s to die for. I do like a man in a uniform. Look it’s so awfully hot out here right now. So, why don’t the pair of you saunter on into my little love nest and I can get my butler.”
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Jack Off turns and looks over and down at the knocked out butler laying sparked
out on the floor.
Jack Off “Oh yes, no, he’s knocked out. Oh well, I’ll get someone else to make you a nice pair of refreshing ice teas and we can have a quaint sit down on the veranda and have a nice pow wow. How does that all sound to the two of you then my dears?”
Parodyman is getting out his pair of Parodycuffs from inside his
Parodyutilitybelt.
Parodyman “How about no.”
Jack Off “You know who might have an idea about all of this hullabaloo that is going on right now? My brother, I have a brother you know, a twin brother. He’s called Peter, Peter Off and he.”
Parodyman “Mr. Off, you know that I could go into your house now, pick up your telephone and phone City Hall. On the end of that line an operator can put me straight in touch with the department for births, deaths, and marriages and within five minutes they will be back to me telling me that you do not have and have never have had a brother, twin or otherwise called Peter Off. Now, why don’t you stop messing me around, Mr. Off, slip these handcuffs on, I know your used to wearing a pair of these and come quietly. Please no smutty comments, just come with myself and Chaffinch before I really lose my temper. Believe
me, Mr. Off, you don’t want to make me angry, you really wouldn’t like it when
I get angry. I am really sure we are not going to be able to air that last line and if my lawyer is listening, we might need to have a chat.”
Chaffinch “Oh yeah someone’s getting sued to buggery for that one.” Jack Off “How masterful, I love it when a man.”
Parodyman “Mr. Off.”
Jack Off “Yes I’m sorry. Listen I know this is the part of the show where usually you two are surrounded by a group of butch henchmen and you all get into one of those silly little fight scenes. Thing is, and here’s the doozy. All of my henchmen have gone out to the beach for the afternoon. One of them is celebrating his birthday or something. I would have gone, but with my fair skin, don’t get me started. Now, they will, of course, be back later in the evening and as I said I know there’s always at least one of those fight scenes. To keep all the punters happy do you mind if I go and make a quick telephone call? I use this firm sometimes you see called Rentahenchman. I can give them a call, then they can send a few chaps around, we can have a little old fight scene and then everyone goes home happy. How does that all sound then to you chaps, okey dokey?”
Chaffinch “Sounds good to me.” Parodyman “Fine, yes go ahead.” Mr. Off is turning to leave.
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Jack Off “Excellent. Now you two can come back in an hour shall we say, have yourselves a spot of lunch maybe. There’s a delightful little brasserie down the street called Alberto’s, just ask for Alberto Frenchesco, lovely man, tell him I sent you. In fact, while I’m on the telephone I will give him a little tinkle winkle, let him know you are popping by and I insist the meals on me and I won’t take
no for an answer. Or, I tell you what if you don’t mind you could stay here if you prefer. That’s it, I’ll get the chef to whip us all up a spot of luncheon. The man is a genius in the kitchen, and in a few of the other rooms also if you get my drift. There’s nothing he can’t do with an egg whisk, a ladle, and a spatula, and believe you me I do mean nothing. Now then butler seems to be waking up from his
little nap. (spoken over to the now waking up drowsy butler) I’m not paying you to sleep on the job my dear, so get up right now and make yourself useful. So is anyone up for a nice little game of tennis, how about mixed doubles anyone?” Mr. Off can now be seen skipping back into the mansion of his as the butler picks himself gingerly up and looking just a little bit dazed and confused, he slowly follows his master loyally back into the building. Chaffinch looks over at Parodyman.
Chaffinch “Oh dude, now that guy right there, he is as bent as a nine dollar note, that one.”
Not that there is anything wrong with that. I am not going to even comment on that, we are bound to get some kind of complaints. Our two superheroes follow on behind, again you can add your own jokes there if you wish to do so. I am off for a pint and a flapjack, no that is not a euphemism.
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Scene 19 : LUNCH AT JACK OFF’S
In the next scene, we see the foursome of Parodyman, Chaffinch, Jack Off and Jack Off’s butler playing a leisurely game of tennis together on Mr. Off’s luxury tennis court. Parodyman and Chaffinch are still in their full crime-fighting outfits with the addition of a pair of white tennis shorts each over their costumes. The foursome is just finishing off the game. A gong is sounded in the background signalling that the luncheon is ready and is being served momentarily. The foursome is making the way over to the shaded seating area.
Parodyman, Chaffinch and Jack Off sit down as the butler joins in with the other members of staff in the serving up of the meal to the three gentlemen now sitting down at the table.
Jack Off “So, awesome duo please go ahead and help yourselves then. The smoked lobster is divine, I have it flown in fresh from Maine. The truffles and oysters are simply magnificent, you must try them and the pan-fried lemon sole bisque is, there are just not words to describe. Please go on help yourselves, dear guests.”
Chaffinch “Cut the shit. Are you coming quietly or do we rough you up a bit?” Jack Off “Well, where do I begin with all that. First, never quietly and you can rough me up any time young man.”
Parodyman “Listen up Mr. Off it’s no use trying to smooth talk us with your fancy exotic menu, this wealthy mansion and estate, the imported caviar, your five-star French chef and this very, very expensive bottle of 1831 Vevue Clicquot Champagne. (quieter and towards Chaffinch) 1831 Vevue Clicquot Champagne Chaffinch, even as Wayne Bruce I can’t get my hands on a bottle of this and he has a crate of it over there. (louder and back to Mr. Off) These distractions don’t and will not remove us from our civic and moral public duty of bringing you in Mr. Off, or should I say Mr. Master Of Disguise.”
Chaffinch “That’s right Jack Off, you can wine us, you can dine us and you
can.”
Jack Off “Oh yes do please continue that train of thought my dear boy, please
do go on.”
Parodyman “That’s it I have had enough. I’m not sitting here and taking another
moment of this.”
Parodyman stands up throwing his napkin on to the table and takes another sip
of the 1831 Vevue Clicquot Champagne and sighs a bit.
Parodyman “I don’t suppose by any chance there is a spare bottle of this going shy is there? No, it was worth a shot, all right you have gone too far this time Mr. Off, we are not.”
Parodyman is uneasy on his feet and starts to sway just a bit while holding on to the corner edge of the table.
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Parodyman “You fiendish devil you, drugged, in the name of all that is good in this world. You laced my glass of 1831 Vevue Clicquot Champagne with a kind of knock out drug you cad, you bounder, you scallywag, didn’t you, didn’t you Jack Off?”
Mr. Off at this moment is pointing around at his staff.
Jack Off “No, anybody here put anything in Mr. Parodyman’s drink? No, chef did you slip him a Mickey? No, butler how about you? No, anyone else spurt in a little something extra into his drink? No. Well, it looks like we are all in the clear on that one.”
All of the staff are shaking their heads and miming the word no. They cannot be heard saying anything as once their roles become a speaking part they get bumped up to the next pay bracket and the budget for this with the bottles of 1831 Vevue Clicquot is just getting mega crazy. They are not cheap to come by I will tell you that for nothing.
Chaffinch “It’s not a poison in the 1831 Vevue Clicquot Champagne
Parodyman, you are just such a pussy when it comes to the drink. Remember
last Christmas? Remember that, a couple of glasses of Brandy and we found you dancing naked in the garden wearing just one of Mrs. Dooper’s hats and a plant pot super glued to Mr. Happy singing that dirty version of ‘We Three Kings’,
‘We Three Queens’.”
Parodyman “That’s right old chum of mine. Let me see one moment, how did it
go, oh yes something like this; We three Queens of Bangkok are,
Dropping trousers we traverse afar, Sub and dom, feathers and tar, Following yonder chocolate star.”
Chaffinch is nudging his elbow into the ribs of his colleague.
Chaffinch “This really is not the right time for you to be singing anything, especially not that song.”
A group of gentlemen has gathered in the background all in matching outfits and wearing the t-shirts emblazoned with the logos ‘HENCHMAN 1’, ‘HENCHMAN 2’, ‘HENCHMAN 3’, ‘HENCHMAN 4’ and ‘I WENT TO HENCHMAN SCHOOL AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY BLOODY T-SHIRT’.
Jack Off “Excuse me, tremendous fun as all of this is I’m sure and I don’t want to interrupt the delightful sing along with Parodyman, but the new henchmen have arrived from Rentahenchman and I do have a pretty busy schedule for the rest of the day, so if you don’t mind. Now, where shall we do this? How about the heated indoor swimming pool? Follow me, everyone.”
Mr. Jack Off takes this time to stand up and looks off shot towards someone not seen.
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Jack Off “That ok with you ducky? We do have permission to film there don’t we dear? Yes, good. Ok, everyone make your way over to the heated indoor swimming pool. Butler be a dear and gather up the tables and chairs and the rest of the meal and bring that along so I can finish up my scrum dilly bumptious little ole lunch of mine while the boys go ahead and have their silly little fight scene of theirs.”
Butler “Yes sir. I will get on to that right away, sir. (to himself and quieter) Never mind that I think I have a concussion. I don’t know if I ever have the chance to get my own back on any of these damn idiots I will be doing that at the drop of a hat.”
Jack Off grabs himself a hold of a frilly parasol, erects it (oh err missus) above his head and saunters his way off in the direction of the heated indoor swimming pool. Lah de dar. How the other half lives and all that. It is all right for some. Although I would do the same if I was in his shoes, not sure about the frilly parasol though, no thank you.
Butler “(still too himself and still quiet) Just one punch while he’s not looking, that’s all I am asking. Even that might just make me feel a little bit happier with my role in life.”
The butler and the other servants are packing up all the lunch items to follow behind Mr. Off. Parodyman and Chaffinch also pick up some items with them to give them a hand. That is very nice of them to do that. The henchmen also join
in and soon the whole group is making their way towards the heated indoor swimming pool area. Sounds almost like a nice family day out. Apart from the obvious mayhem that is about to follow, that is. Onwards we go.
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Scene 20 : JACK OFF’S INDOOR POOL
The heated indoor swimming pool is laid out in front of us. The swimming pool itself is a moderate size. There’s a separate hot tub in one corner and a moderate size jacuzzi in another corner. A well stocked Hawaiian bar takes up a length of the spacious area. There’s also an area for entertaining with a small stage for poetry reading, singing and other forms of artistic interpretation. Parodyman walks past a giant vase overflowing with glow in the dark condoms.
Jack Off “Look, I know everyone is here and excited about the fight scene, but last chance now, it really is too humid for all this. Maybe I could suggest a game of strip Monopoly, or if that’s not your bag then maybe strip darts, we have a billiards table if a game of strip billiards floats anyone’s boat. Then everyone
into the jacuzzi for a game of find the rubber ducky, no not you butler.” Parodyman “If it’s all the same with you, Mr. Off, let’s just go ahead and be getting ready to rumble.”
Chaffinch “It’s on like King Kong.”
The fight scene is on. In the corner of the screen, a smaller box is now visible with two-old style wrasslin’ announcers Jim Solie and Gordon Ross calling the commentary for us, we join them for the opening introductions.
Jim Solie “Thank you for joining us here folks and welcome to this night of Emoham City Championship Wrestling action and what I assure you will be a grudge match for the ages, what they are calling the ‘Duel At The Pool’.” Gordon Ross “That’s right Jim and what we have right here I believe is a going to be a glorified two on five handicap match.”
Jim Solie “Throw in Jack Off, the butler or any number of the servants into the mix and this could get a little out of hand here folks.”
Gordon Ross “All due respect to Mr. Off, but I don’t believe we are going to see any interference in this match from him here tonight.”
Jim Solie “You might be right Gordon, he might be just a little light on his feet, but he’s not ‘Gorgeous’ if you know what I mean?”
Gordon Ross “That I do Jim, that I do.”
The fight is taking place as we hear the commentary. Parodyman and Chaffinch are holding their own (please don’t tell Mr. Off I used that line) here for the present time being.
Jim Solie “Parodyman and Chaffinch seem to be on the offensive in the early moments of this match Gordon.”
Gordon Ross “Yes Jim, but at this time it is early going so far in the match and this is, of course, a no time limit, no disqualification encounter and we will be staying with this one folks for the duration of the match. We have just been informed that the prestigious Emoham City World Tag Team Championship belts are not on the line.”
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Jim Solie “That’s right Gordon and even though they are the fan favourites in this match the championship duo of Parodyman and Chaffinch are defiantly going into this match as the underdogs. I have to believe that the unwillingness to put the tag team titles on the line in this match may just be a sign of the lack of confidence the awesome duo have in this battle. We are not seeing the usual dynamics so far in this match that they usually bring to us in their confrontations.”
Gordon Ross “That said though Jim this could all be mind games on the part of the champs. Remember the awesome duo do have a signed and sealed title match against the Russians at the Garden next month. Maybe, just maybe they are saving it up till the belts are on the line in that one.”
Jim Solie “That, if it is their strategy is a dangerous game plan in my opinion. They need to concentrate on this match and this match alone if they are even thinking of having a chance in their match against the Russians next month at the hallowed grounds of the Garden. They need to survive here tonight to get to that big one when all the gold is on the line.”
The henchmen have now brought in a variety of foreign objects into the fight to use as weapons and so to fight fire with fire Parodyman and Chaffinch have added some of their own into their arsenal (please don’t it’s just too an obvious set up for a joke) for the fight scene.
A plastic folding lawn chair gets smashed across one of the henchmen’s backs. We see a potted plant get used as a lethal weapon. Parodyman power-bombs a henchman through a table. We see a DDT on Chaffinch by a henchman on to a stack off Burt Baccarat records. An old gramophone gets hurled across the screen and one of the henchmen at one point is hitting Chaffinch over and over to no avail with a plastic inflatable rubber ring. Now this action we are witnessing is totally hardcore.
Gordon Ross “It’s getting down and dirty now Jim. This match is not for the faint of heart. We see the proverbial foreign objects coming in to play, but as we said earlier in this match there are no disqualifications.”
Jim Solie “This is a ‘knocker-slobber’ for sure.”
Gordon Ross “What does that even mean? Anyway, this is a fight for the ages and you are seeing it right here as usual on the same wrestling channel, at the same wrestling time.”
Jim Solie “That’s right Emoham City Championship Wrestling each and every week. The only place to see your favourite E.C.C.W superstars is right here on this channel. This week Emoham City Championship Wrestling is brought to you by ‘Brothers Bearer Heavens Rest Funeral Homes’.”
Gordon Ross “Brothers Bearer Heavenly Rest Funeral Homes ladies and gentlemen, the only place where your loved ones are guaranteed to Rest In Peace.”
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Jim Solie “And, NEW ‘Brothers Bearer Burgers’, you’ll be dying to get into one
of these.”
Gordon Ross “I can almost taste one now Jim.”
Jim Solie “I tell you what’s not tasting so good right now and that’s the beating Parodyman and Chaffinch are taking in this match.”
Mr. Off, the butler, and the other servants have brought along some signs and placards for the match and we see some of them being held up through the match’s progression.
‘JACK OFF 3:16’
‘WHO BOOKED THIS?’
‘AND THAT’S THE BOTTOM LIKE COS’ JACK OFF SAID SO’
‘I’D RATHER BE IN EMOHAM City’
‘JACKOFFMANIA IS RUNNING WILD’ ’MAYBE!MAYBE!!MAYBE!!!
MAYBE!!!!MAYBE!!!!!′ ‘PARODYMAN SUX’ ‘JACK ME OFF, BABY’ ‘PARDON!!!!’ ‘CHAFFINCH BITES’
‘YOU CAN’T JACK ME OFF’ ‘SECURITY STOLE MY OTHER SIGN’ ‘JACK OFF HOTEL : ROOM 4:20’
A henchman has hit Chaffinch with a bottle of 1831 Vevue Clicquot Champagne. Parodyman has a look of shock and horror on his face and then anger at the destruction of the bottle of Champagne. Two of the henchmen are attempting to handcuff Parodyman’s hands behind his back. Chaffinch is being hit over the head by an inflatable rubber sex doll. Parodyman avoids getting green mist sprayed directly in his eyes by ducking. Chaffinch gets low blown, twice. A henchman has a metal fork that he is getting close to stabbing poor Chaffinch in the forehead with. Parodyman is hit by a pie.
Jim Solie has opened a bottle of vodka and fills two cups up.
Gordon Ross “This match has been a back and forth affair this whole time, but you were right before, the awesome duo is taking a back seat right now to the cunning team of the henchmen. This five on two handicap is just too much it seems for our heroes.”
Jim Solie “Never count them down though Gordon, I believe.”
One of the henchmen has brought a wooden table into play, he has laid out the contents of a bag full of drawing pins and then a second bag this one containing broken glass on to the surface and now sets fire to the table. In a dramatic double team, Chaffinch is put through the table, but lucky for him roles straight into the swimming pool. Parodyman heroically reaches out to his chum and drags him out of the pool.
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Gordon Ross “This is an unbelievable match, I am telling you that Jim. Fans who have missed this one are not going to believe some of the action we have seen thus far.”
Jim Solie “Let’s not forget to remind the folks that the tag team titles are going to be on the line next month against the Russians in the Garden and we also hear word that if the Russians get their way then that match is going to be inside the menacing structure of a steel cage Gordon.”
Gordon Ross “Now that is epic Jim.”
Parodyman has picked up a glass of red wine and throws it in a henchman’s face. A referee steps forward and gives Parodyman a public warning and a red card.
Jim Solie “Are you kidding me right now? In among all this mayhem we just saw Chaffinch get dropped through a drawing pin and broken glass covered flaming table and Parodyman gets warned for throwing a glass of red wine, come on.”
Gordon Ross “Something is up here Jim.”
Jim Solie “This has all the hallmarks of the Russians if you ask me. Somebody in the Russian camp has gotten to this referee. Just think about it. What would a loss for Parodyman and Chaffinch do to them at this point in the game?” Gordon Ross “Non-title though Jim.”
Jim Solie “Non-title here I know, but psychologically it would be a major blow
to the tag team champions.”
Gordon Ross “Hold the phone Jim, this could be the turning point of the match. Parodyman looks like, yes he is going for his patented finishing submission hold ‘The Parodyraclutch’.”
Jim Solie “This is the very hold that won them the world tag team titles in the first place. You would have to say if he can get this hold on and get a submission that this would be a major upset.”
Gordon Ross “Major upset indeed Jim.”
Parodyman has the Parodyraclutch on one of the numerous nameless henchmen, but Jack off stands up and pulls a gun out from underneath his napkin and fires two sleeping darts at Parodyman and then he also fires two at Chaffinch.
Jack Off “Forget that for a game of soldiers.”
Parodyman and Chaffinch both fall to the floor unconscious. The referee kneels in checking both their vital signs to see if they can continue in the match, which they can’t and so calls for the match and the victory in the contest to the henchmen.
Jim Solie “This is an all-time low folks. Never in my years of calling this great sport of ours have I seen such a travesty of justice.”
Gordon Ross “This is indeed low Jim, even for Jack Off this is scrapping the bottom of the barrel.”
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Jack Off hears what is being said about him and turns around slowly. He points his gun up to the corner and the box with the commentary team sitting inside it, with a smirk on his face.
Jack Off “You were saying, gentlemen.” Jim Solie “What a victory.”
Gordon Ross “Your guys kicked ass.” Jim Solie “Never doubted you.”
Gordon Ross “What an outstanding tag team.” Jim Solie “Great match.”
Gordon Ross “It was totally all your men, all the way, it is plain for anyone to see that.”
Jack Off “I thought as much. That’s what I thought you said. Now on with my little fun.”
Mr. Off fires two more shots up into the commentary box and we see it crackle, then fizz, smoke a bit and then go blank. The screen then returns to a full-screen- shot again.
Jack Off “Right then dears I think it’s time to take these two down into the unnecessarily, but good job we have it after all dungeon and strap them into the impossibly difficult to escape from gruesome torture device. I’m off for a quick steam bath, sensuous massage and lemon-grass facial. See you all in a little while then darlings.”
Jack Off takes the opportunity to saunter out of shot and exit the scene leaving all of the henchmen, the butler and the other members of his underpaid staff to clear up all of the mess that has been made and then take Parodyman and Chaffinch down to the dungeon. Really a dungeon scene? Is that necessary? Is this Mr. Off just insane power crazy or what is his deal? Is Mr. Off listening? Wasn’t me I didn’t say anything. Please continue.
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Scene 21 : THE DUNGEON
Into the dungeon scene, we go next. It is as you would expect from a dungeon dark, dank, cold and well dungeon like. If you have last years December issue of ‘Homes And Dungeons’ take a look at page ninety-six. There are several torture devices around the room and hung up on the walls. The atmosphere defiantly doesn’t say welcome, come on in and why don’t you stay a while. There is however a cappuccino machine in the corner. Parodyman and Chaffinch have been imprisoned in a nasty painfully fiendishly impossibly difficult to escape apparatus of gruesomely horrific torture device, in sky blue pink. Jack Off has changed into a pinstriped black and white zoot suit and has a blood-red fedora with a black feather in the purple satin trim in his hands. Doesn’t he look all nice and seasonal, whatever that is supposed to mean
Parodyman “Why Jack Off you fiend, you monster, you will never get away
with this. I am telling you that.”
Jack Off “You are right of course my dear.”
Parodyman “I am?” Chaffinch “He is?”
Jack Off “Yes. Jack Off would never get away with this, but Jack Off will not be doing a thing to you my darlings.”
Chaffinch “Getting one of your fucking evil henchmen to do all of your dirty work for you won’t erase the fact that you are the one giving the orders. You fucking scum bag.”
Jack Off “Language young man.”
Chaffinch “Fuck you.”
Jack Off “Why Chaffinch, my dearest friend you don’t understand. My sweet angelic boy it will not be I Jack Off, ending your miserable lives but, The Master Of Disguise.”
Jack Off twirls the fedora around between his fingers and in a smooth motion places it on his head.
The Master Of Disguise “(spoken deeper and gruff) And I don’t, you pair of shits, give a fuck.”
Chaffinch “Oh Shit, We be FUCKED.”
The Master Of Disguise “Damn skippy you both are. When this device you are imprisoned in is finished with the pair of you, you’ll be squashed as flat as fucking pancakes.”
Parodyman “I don’t suppose a nice little last request is an option right about now?”
The Master Of Disguise “Of course that is an absolutely splendid idea. Now let me think for a moment or two, my last request is for the pair of you to shut the fuck up and just die.”
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Parodyman “I was thinking more that we could have a last request. For the love of the small amount of decency I know that is left in you, fine end my life, but the poor boy, think about the poor innocent lad. He must not be made to suffer this way. Please, for the love of all that is left in your heart, let my one and only Chaffinch go you monster you.”
Chaffinch “No Parodyman. I don’t want to live in a world without you. If you are to die let me do the honourable duty and die along with you. As friends we have lived together as one, so we must leave this mortal coil, together, together forever my friend, side by honourable side.”
Parodyman “Really?”
Chaffinch “No. Master Of Disguise let me go and you can do what you want with bozo the clown over here. I will tell you anything you want to know. I will do anything you want me to do for you. Just name it and I mean it, anything.” The Master Of Disguise “Silence.”
The butler arrives into the shot and whispers some words to The Master Of
Disguise.
The Master Of Disguise “The time has now come gentlemen for me to take care of some unfinished private business, a business that is of no real concern to either of you punks. Unless of course, the writer has decided it might be of some concern to the plot for it to be revelled to you right now. (looking around and up in the air) No, nothing, no. Right then I am off, no pun intended, I will have you both know.”
Chaffinch “What pun?”
A confused look is on the face of Chaffinch.
The Master Of Disguise “This machine has been automatically programmed to switch on at, (looking at his wrist) oh fuck it I’ve left my watch upstairs, anyway six p.m tonight.”
Chaffinch “Why?”
The Master Of Disguise “None of your freaking business. Why he asks. Well if you must know at six p.m. tonight I The Master Of Disguise, (listening suddenly to nothing) hold on was that the telephone? I thought I heard the telephone ring, no. Where was I, yes at six p.m. tonight I The Master Of Disguise. (slight pause) Got you, did you really think I was going to let you know what the plan was? You fucking muppets. Bye-Bye Flatman, Bye-Bye boy blunder haha haha haha. I’m laughing out loud, did you get me ’Laughing Out Loud? I might even abbreviate it to save a bit of time and sound trendy cool. L.O.L. It might catch on, you never know. But only amongst complete imbeciles and brain dead sheeple, I am sure.”
Parodyman “Oh up yours pecker head. The Master Of Disguise you call yourself. Well ’The Masturbator Of Disused Belly Button Fluff, if you ask me.” Chaffinch “Nice one dude.”
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The Master Of Disguise “Nice one dude. What are you talking about? That was
bloody terrible. Come on was that the best you could do?”
Parodyman “Hey I am the one tied up in your do it yourself O.J squeezer, you
try jumping in here and give it a shot.”
The Master Of Disguise “Nice try Parodyman. Now, why don’t you both try a
nice tall glass of shut the fuck up and prepare to die.”
Chaffinch “You can’t see it now, but I have my middle finger up and I am
sending it in your direction.”
The Master Of Disguise “Gentlemen at the end of the day it wouldn’t matter if I told you my plan or not as this device is escape proof so, I’m still not going to tell you. Now I bid you, a fuck it I’m off.”
The Master Of Disguise is about to leave.
The Master Of Disguise “Again, that was not a pun.”
Chaffinch “What pun? What’s with these puns?”
This time The Master Of Disguise leaves the dungeon and makes his way up to the mansion above. In a few moments we hear some muffled voices then the sound of a door closing shut. We hear the sound of several vehicles driving away into the distance and then there is absolute silence.
Chaffinch “Any ideas?”
Parodyman “Who me? Bozo the clown.” Chaffinch “Listen, I.”
Parodyman “It just so happens that I have in my Parodyutilitybelt a cunning device for, oh dear me.”
Chaffinch “What?”
Parodyman “They have taken my Parodyutilitybelt.”
Chaffinch “Well, that’s us up shit creek.”
Parodyman “Up it. We’re passed up it. Now we are right up at the top of that particular creek, the canoe is slowly sinking in doo doo and we are edging ever closer to a waterfall cascading down over into just a little more extra pure, cacka, excuse my vulgar language.”
Chaffinch “Ever the optimist.”
Parodyman “I am afraid, the glass, in this case, Chaffinch old chum is neither half full nor is it half empty but in fact it is full.”
Chaffinch “Full.”
Parodyman “Yes it’s full. It’s full of droppings.”
Chaffinch “Parodyman?” Parodyman “Yes old man.”
Chaffinch “I’m a teenager will you stop calling me old man for fuck’s sake?” Parodyman “Ok. Sorry about that.”
Chaffinch “Now, (louder and with more panic) what are we going to do?” There is a voice from the shadows.
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Shadow Voice “Maybe I can be of some assistance at this very moment in
time?”
The persona from which the voice has emanated mysteriously steps forward
from his shadowy lair, it is!!!!!
Parodyman and Chaffinch “Alfredo Centworth.”
Alfredo Centworth “Who else were you expecting little Bo Peep, Pere Noel, the man from down the street who fixes the toilets, the ghost of Abraham Lincoln, the Beach Boys. No, it is I, the one and the only truly infamous Alfredo Centworth.”
Chaffinch “Boy are we glad to see you.”
Parodyman “Too right ol, yes young Chaffinch indeed we are glad.”
Alfredo Centworth “Glad enough to get a 25% raise?” Awkwardly Parodyman agrees to this.
Parodyman “Yes.”
Alfredo Centworth “The weekends off each week, but paid of course. Paid and
double time.” Parodyman “Yes.”
Alfredo Centworth “A three week paid vacation.” Parodyman “Ok, yes.”
Alfredo Centworth “Every six months.” Parodyman “B b b, yes.”
Alfredo Centworth “Lifetime contract, no terms for dismissal.” Parodyman “Yes, fine.”
Alfredo Centworth “A weekly blow job.” Parodyman “Ye.”
Alfredo Centworth “Got you. Nix the last one, but I will hold you to the rest.” Parodyman “Now get us out of here, we have to stop The Master Of Disguise, whatever his fiendish plot is.”
Alfredo Centworth “Oh I know that.”
Chaffinch “You do?”
Alfredo Centworth “Yes of course.”
Chaffinch “So, why didn’t you let us in on it before then Alfredo? Answer me that one.”
Alfredo Centworth “Oh you know, shits n giggles. That and of course I didn’t know anything about his plan before.”
Parodyman “What is his master plan then?”
Alfredo Centworth “All in good time. Let’s get you out of here and take care of that when we are safely out of here, we are not out of the woods just yet.” Parodyman “Good, but how may I ask? The Master Of Disguise said there was no way for us in escaping this cunning and mysterious device. How are we to
get out?”
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Alfredo Centworth “A master criminal like any self-indulged egomaniac just loves hearing the sound of his own voice and case in point here, he was just spouting off to get some attention. Mother probably didn’t give him enough of her valuable time when he was younger. Same with the father. Spent all his life building and building up an empire with a fortune and neither of the Off’s probably had any time to spend with their son. So when they died, yes he amassed their empire and their fortune but he was still all alone. Alone with the guilt of not being able to tell them exactly what he wanted most of all to tell them. Sound familiar sir? It must have been at that point where he created The Master Of Disguise, a foul-mouthed angry violent sadistic brute of a man who could tell other people exactly what he wanted to say to them when he wanted to. That was something Mr. Jack Off thought he could never do. There is of course also the mysterious question of Mr. Peter Off.”
Chaffinch “Am I the only one that is thinking that that was an awful lot of information just out of the blue, all at once? But, I digress and back to our little plot. But Peter Off didn’t, doesn’t exist, never has done or will. He was, will be and is just a lie. My head hurts.”
Alfredo Centworth “Off sorts, he was a lie and he was the truth. He, Peter Off I believe existed before the death of Jack Off’s parents at a time that he needed someone to talk to, anyone to talk to. His parents were not around for him and the servants would have been too busy, it would be my guess. He created Peter Off to be his friend, his best friend, his only friend. What would make more sense than to make him not only his brother but his twin brother? Then when looking upon himself in a mirror he could instantaneously envision this other boy in his presence as not just a mirror image of himself, but an entirely
different and very real person, Peter Off. This ever-growing constant need to see his brother Peter would have been the blossoming of Jack/Peter Off and his obsession with self-preservation, grooming, and all-out pampering. It may have been the only way he could find love. You see because there was no steady sign of affection from without it all came from within and it blossomed into an unhealthy dosage of self-love, self-belief, and self fabulousness. You might have observed from spending just a little bit of time in his company that he is, shall
we say, a little camp.”
Chaffinch “Screaming Queen if you ask me.”
Alfredo Centworth “There is no need for any of that, lifestyle choices and all
of that.”
Parodyman “How do you know all this.”
Alfredo Centworth “I thought it was all very obvious. Casebook situation if you ask me.”
Chaffinch “It still doesn’t answer the question of us getting out of this bloody device though.”
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Alfredo Centworth “Well, I could always press this button right here that says
‘Push Button To Release Prisoners’.” Chaffinch “Good call.”
Alfredo Centworth reaches over and presses the button and the device opens up freeing the awesome duo thus saving their lives. Time to get out the party hats they are saved, hip-hip-hooray.
Alfredo Centworth is smiling a little shyly.
Alfredo Centworth “About those demands I made earlier sir.”
Parodyman “Oh Alfredo Centworth, you prankster you. I thought you were just
joking old chum, want us to forget them do you?”
Alfredo Centworth “No, I have them all typed up here in a contract. If you
wouldn’t mind signing these for me.”
A legal document is brought out of Alfredo Centworth’s jacket and he passes it
over to Parodyman along with a pen for his John Hancock.
Parodyman “I could of course always not sign this you know. Now that we are
free from that device, after all.”
Alfredo Centworth “Yes you could. I could always go along to some press journalist friends of mine with the names of two individuals, for argument’s sake let’s call them, Oh I don’t know how about Dick and Wayne and make mention to them of a cave and, well you know the rest.”
Parodyman “You wouldn’t?”
Chaffinch “He would.”
Parodyman “That sounds like blackmail.”
Alfredo Centworth “Oh no.” Parodyman “Really?”
Alfredo Centworth “It doesn’t sound like blackmail, it is blackmail. I am saving the pictures I have of the two of you from one of your ‘parties’ for a later date. Keep that on the back burner.”
Parodyman takes hold of the legal documents and Alfredo Centworth insures that Parodyman has signed them as Wayne Bruce and then hands the documents over to Chaffinch to countersign as Dick Beigeson, a witness to the signature. Parodyman “But how long have you had these?”
Alfredo Centworth “Oh I have had them around for ages. You never know when the right time and the right circumstance is going to reveal itself.” Parodyman “Sneaky, sly old devil you.”
Alfredo Centworth “Now that’s all taken care of we should be off. There is a lot more to this case that needs to see the light of day and I do believe you asked about The Master Of Disguise and his master plan, but first lets hurry.” Chaffinch “Why? The Master Of Disguise made some mention of all this going down at six p.m. It’s not that time yet is it?”
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Alfredo Centworth “No, but you see I was upstairs in the attic, cleaning.”
Parodyman “More moonlighting Alfredo?”
Alfredo Centworth “Well, yes. Why else do you think I would be here?”
Parodyman “To rescue us.”
Alfredo Centworth “Very funny, I must write that one down.”
Alfredo Centworth is miming a notepad and pen.
Alfredo Centworth “Anyway, when I was up in the attic Mr. Off was in the room directly below and I heard him talking all about the two of you down here and what he had planned. When I heard all the cars leaving I made my way down here and the rest, well you know the rest.”
Chaffinch “Why the urgency for us to get out of here?”
Alfredo Centworth “(spoken calm) You see sirs the fuse for the light in the attic had blown so I was cleaning by the light of a candle. Before I made my way down here to rescue you I tripped and dropped the candle in the dark. The fucking roofs on fire, (not so calm) RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIVES.” Alfredo makes a quick turn and dashes up the stairs. Parodyman and Chaffinch look towards each other, then towards the legs of Alfredo and high tail it off after him out of the dungeon. The three of them make it out of the door leading
to the dungeon and through some corridors making it into the great hall and then out into the open courtyard. They look upwards as they are getting their breath back and see indeed that the entire roof of Jack Off Towers is ablaze.
Alfredo Centworth “It won’t be long now till the fire brigade and the police are here. May I suggest we make a quick exit, there isn’t enough time to stand around here explaining to the plod exactly what happened, and I’m holding.” Parodyman “The Parodytank, it’s gone.”
Alfredo Centworth “Yes, I am afraid the henchmen liked the look of that and took it with them in lieu of payment for their services rendered.”
Parodyman “What do we do now?”
Alfredo Centworth “Around the side of the mansion I have my Alfredo
Centworthmobile and sidecar. We can use that.”
Chaffinch “You’ve got to be fucking with me. You have an Alfredo Centworthmobile? Am I the only one that can see the one-sidedness of this?” Alfredo Centworth “Oh do keep quiet we haven’t got time for you to throw your dummy out of the pram right now. I’ll feed you and burp you later. Right now we need to act like a tree and leave.”
Alfredo Centworth and Parodyman quickly jog off out of shot leaving Chaffinch standing there for a moment alone.
Chaffinch “What the fuck. Act like a tree, you got to be kidding me?”
He sees that no one is around and so runs also.
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Scene 22 : JACK OFF’S LIMOUSINE
Jack Off as just Jack Off has his blood-red fedora on his lap. He has put his
other persona to one side for now. He and his butler are in the back of his stretched limousine (Mr. Off’s that is not his butler’s, well obviously) with butler taking care of some documents.
Jack Off “Oh bother and damnation, this just has to be the worst of times for
this to go and happen to me, of all people.” Butler “What is it, sir?”
Jack Off “Oh I am a fool, such a mad, but at the same time devilishly handsome young fool.”
Butler “Why is that sir? Dare I ask?” Jack Off “Before, back at the mansion.”
Butler “I told you if you needed to visit the little boy’s room you should have gone before we left.”
Jack Off “No, not that. I could kick myself really.” Butler “Kick yourself for what sir?”
Jack Off “My lucky gloves, I forgot to pick up my lucky gloves.” Butler “Yes sir.”
Jack Off “Oh dear, double oh dear in fact. Don’t suppose we have time dear to pop back do we?”
Butler “No.”
Jack Off “Not even quickly? I promise I won’t stop for anything, not even a
small finger sandwich.” Butler “No.”
Jack Off “Spoilsport.”
Butler “We are on a tight schedule after all. We have spent weeks putting this together. See it’s all here in these papers in black and white. Every last detail of the operation down to the finest finite of detail has been laid out. Everything has gone like clockwork and we can not jeopardize anything at this crucial moment for you to pop back for a pair of gloves.”
PLOT BACKGROUND ALERT FOLKS. THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT, SO BE AWARE AND SOAK THIS IN.
Jack Off “You are right my dear as usual. Anyway, so clever Parodyman and Chaffinch thought they were when they believed that a criminal would be vain enough to believe that he could just walk into a bank with a disguise of just a hat then walk away with a sack load of cash thinking that the disguise would fool everyone.”
Butler “Including the police.”
They both take the time to share a small moment of a laugh together before returning to our plot.
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Jack Off “Yes, let’s not even get started on them. Call in Parodyman and Chaffinch they did though. There isn’t a crime that goes down anywhere in Emoham City that doesn’t have the Commissioner of police and his gormless Chief reaching for the phone and calling in for the services of their saviours. This case was no different from any others. They called them in, they put them on the case and they found their way to me. We didn’t have to do a thing dear, just wait and reel them in when the time was right and then have them cornered, trapped and captured.”
Told you so about the plot background alert. Why would anyone doubt me when
it comes to information like that.
Butler “Then sir when the clock strikes six p.m.”
Jack Off “KERSPLAT, it’s pancake time for the awesome duo and we will be on the other side of the City taking care of the other part of the ‘Master Plan’. Now then butler is everything else taken care of, as far as my evil cunning and dare I say it an unstoppable plan?”
Butler “Yes sir. One question though. Something has been going through my mind concerning all of this.”
Jack Off “Yes.”
Butler “Why didn’t you just kill them and then and have done with it when you
had the opportunity?”
Jack Off “Oh really butler now, you have absolutely no flair at all for the dramatic, that’s your problem, In a nutshell, my dear. Where would the suspense and agonizing torture of waiting for the end for them be in all of that? Do you have anything else that you would like to ask me at this moment in time?”
Butler “No.”
Jack Off “Good, then off we go on our merry way to the official opening of my
new nightclub.”
Butler “Excuse me, sir, but we already are on our merry way, sir.” Jack Off “Oh shut your face.”
In a reverse shot of the limousine we see the vehicle we are following driving off towards the City and the grand opening of Mr. Off’s brand new nightclub, you should know the name of it by now.
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Scene 23 : EMOHAM CITY DINER
Parodyman, Chaffinch and Alfredo Centworth are all sat inside an Emoham City diner at one of the tables looking through the menu. A few customers are also frequenting the dinner in the background. Yet again no one pays any attention to the two crime-fighting super-heroes. Come on they are dressed head to foot in spandex and Lycra with masks on and, oh never mind all of that. It is time that we get on with the scene.
Alfredo Centworth “You owe me for a new Alfredo Centworthmobile by the
way.”
Chaffinch “Chaffinchtoilet, (all sarcastic) that’s all I got. Proud day in my life
that was, NOT!!”
Parodyman is talking to Alfredo Centworth ignoring Chaffinch’s little outburst.
Parodyman “It wasn’t my fault.”
Alfredo Centworth “I told you not to hold on too tight to me.”
Parodyman “I am very sorry.”
Alfredo Centworth “How am I going to explain crashing into a mini-bus full of
nuns to my insurance company, and get away with it?” Parodyman “Sorry.”
Alfredo Centworth “Completely trashed.” Parodyman “Again, I am sorry.”
Alfredo Centworth “Moving on with the plot, JAZZ In In Your Face sir.” Parodyman “Nice of you to offer Alfredo, but not now thank you. I’m not in the mood and you did promise us that you would fill us in on the ingenious plan of The Master Of Disguise or Jack Off or Peter Off or whomever the heck is running the show around there. That Butler, there is something about him that is just not right.”
Alfredo Centworth “My brother.” Parodyman “What!”
Chaffinch “He’s what?”
Alfredo Centworth “He is my brother, sirs. The butler, Jack Off’s butler is my long-lost brother, he doesn’t know it of course though. I only found out a few weeks ago, that is why I started to moonlight with Mr. Jack Off, to get closer to my brother, my family.”
Alfredo Centworth is all of a sudden sullen and looking away in the distance.
Chaffinch “Wow Alfredo Centworth. That’s crazy man.”
Alfredo Centworth “Just messing with you. Gives me a bit of light relief. Like I said I needed the cash and if Scrooge Mc-Bruce over here had paid me a decent wage from the start then I wouldn’t have to be going around here there and everywhere taking on moonlighting positions and selling off your family valuables.”
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Parodyman “You what?”
Indeed Alfredo Centworth is actually pocketing a salt & pepper shaker at this very moment. The little tea leaf, he taught that to me himself. Cockney rhyming slang. Tea leaf = thief. A Marvellous array of culture you are getting right here, no one could possibly ask for more.
Alfredo Centworth “Oh get over it. I have been doing it for years, it’s not like you have ever noticed and you never would have. You have so much expensive flashy shit in that place I could have gone in there with a moving van and you wouldn’t have batted (laughs a little to himself at his own pun) an eyelid. Now can we get back to the plot? I dropped some acid earlier and it’s starting to wear off and if I don’t get some more soon I might actually be in danger of having to follow all of this shit straight and sober, nasty thought.”
Chaffinch “Ok.”
Alfredo Centworth “So, as I was saying, the nightclub. Tonight is the grand official opening party for the club. There will be of course in attendance every one who is everyone from the elite upper mega super-rich list. Not just from our very own Emoham City, but also from Metrotopolis, Transmetropolitanania, Neopolistopliton, Electropolisania, Radiantglow City, Opalfruitia City, Take Me Down To The Paradise Island, Megagroovy City one, all around the world as a matter of fact.”
Chaffinch “Conveniently sounding made up City names.”
Parodyman “Why not carry out his fiendish master plan at the party (quieter) young master Dick and me, you know Wayne Bruce attended (louder again). Why a second party?”
Chaffinch “Good point.”
Alfredo Centworth “The first party was just an hors-d’oeuvre, an event to get people talking about the opening of the night-club, and it got people talking. It got the attention of the world media.”
Chaffinch “Really?”
Alfredo Centworth “Yes, a little bit ridiculous and far-fetched it might sound, maybe, I know, but for the plot, it is very essential. Do please keep up with us, I haven’t got time to spell it all out to you in words of five letters or less. Our readers, after all, are intellectuals.”
Chaffinch “Sorry.”
Alfredo Centworth “Tonight at exactly six p.m. Mr. Jack Off will be in attendance at the grand opening of his new nightclub JAZZ In In Your Face. That is really the joke that just keeps giving. At some point in the night’s festivities, something is going to happen.”
Parodyman and Chaffinch both lean it most attentively.
Chaffinch “Yes.” Parodyman “What?”
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Alfredo Centworth “Well that’s all I know. Come on, I’ve forwarded the plot advancement enough so far, don’t you think. It’s time for you two fuckers to do some work around here. Waitress I think we are ready to order. The pasty-faced chap here in the gimp mask is paying.”
Alfredo Centworth beckons over one of the waitresses to their table and reads
the name tag on her uniform.
Alfredo Centworth “Well, Maggie, I believe three double cheeseburgers hold the gherkins and you can hold my gherkin any day baby. Also, side dishes of fries, two cokes, a milkshake and I bet you know how to shake what you’ve got and then some. Also, three slices of your delicious apple pie would go down a treat and nothing for the two weirdos, they are on a diet. I am joking, of course, the orders for the whole table and we are eating in, thank you, my dear. I wouldn’t mind sinking my teeth into her pie if you know what I’m saying.”
Maggie the waitress turns around and walks away, muttering something,
possibly unpleasant under her breath.
Chaffinch “She’s spitting in his burger you know.”
Parodyman “Or worse.”
Alfredo Centworth “Now then back to business.”
Parodyman “We need a plan to somehow get ourselves into that party.” Chaffinch “I don’t suppose Wayne Bruce and Dick Beigeson have conveniently received another set of invites to this party have they?”
Alfredo Centworth “You did that earlier sir. We really have to think up a new
idea to get into the party this time, think of the readers.”
Parodyman “Why, surely aren’t you off moonlighting as a waiter at this event
tonight Alfredo?”
Alfredo Centworth “No, I was to stay back at Jack Off Towers cleaning the
attic as a punishment.” Chaffinch “What did you do?”
Alfredo Centworth “You really don’t want to know. That reminds me I have probably lost that gig thanks to you two and I hardly think he is going to give
me a hearty reference now after I burnt his fucking house to the ground. There is a possibility I could blame it on some kids. Well, officer, I did see a couple of kids smoking near the building, they must have climbed over the wall officer
and when I was heroically chasing them away. No, they would wonder where I was when they and the fire brigade turned up. Never mind at least I am screwing you over with that new contract I have, so all is good in the end. Oh, blast I left my umbrella back at the mansion, and it was my favourite, no chance of me sneaking back now to get it with all the fuzz there.”
Chaffinch “It’s just an umbrella. I am sure that you could afford one, what with that new contract of yours.”
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Alfredo Centworth “Just an umbrella, I don’t think so. I had a years worth of acid trips sown into the fabric of that umbrella ella ella ella, umm catchy.” Parodyman “That’s it.”
Chaffinch turns around looking around the diner. Chaffinch “That’s what? Where? What did I miss?”
Parodyman “That’s the way we sneak into his new nightclub, we go disguised as Jazz musicians.”
Chaffinch “You got that idea from that, ok.” Alfredo Centworth “Worth a try, I guess ” Parodyman “So enthusiastic, thanks.”
Chaffinch “Listen up why don’t we just call Commissioner Gordonson and tell him everything we know and let him take care of this shit? I am beat man.” Parodyman “No good Chaffinch, we need another Parodyman and Chaffinch versus the bad guy’s fight scene to fill the quota and I want some revenge from the earlier fight scene. The Master Of Disguise has also still got my Parodyutilitybelt and no one steals my possessions and gets away with it.” Alfredo Centworth is looking quite guilty and smug at the same time, I did not know that was possible to do.
Parodyman “Well, apart from you that is Alfredo.”
Parodyman leaps up to his feet all heroic with his fists in his sides standing majestically. Maggie the waitress arrives at the table with their food. Maggie “Oh do sit down and eat up before your food gets cold.”
Maggie is wearing a, well waitress outfit. Sorry forgot to mention that earlier, ok I know it’s obvious and not a big deal but I have a little O.C.D, I need everything clear and precise.
Parodyman sits down and Maggie gives a little sexy smile to Alfredo. Alfredo Centworth is checking her behind out as she walks away from the table. Parodyman is swapping his burger for that of Alfredo’s burger. Alfredo Centworth returns his attention back to the table and points out of the window of the diner.
Alfredo Centworth “Oh, look out of the window sirs isn’t that the pink Cadillac
belonging to Mr. Jack Off?”
The two of them look out of the window. Alfredo Centworth is swapping his
burger with that of Parodyman’s.
Alfredo Centworth “My mistake, it’s just a fire hydrant, well tuck in chaps.”
Parodyman is looking very smug as he eats his burger.
Chaffinch “ Someone pass me the sauce from the table behind. Come on guys just give me a little reach around so I can toss some of my sauce on to the baps.” Parodyman passes Alfredo the sauce looking worried.
Alfredo Centworth “My my. I do believe that I have just remembered something important.”
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Parodyman “What is that Alfredo?”
Alfredo Centworth “Well, tonight you see (turning his nose up and with an off look on his face), this burger tastes funny.”
Chaffinch “That really is no help.”
Alfredo Centworth “No tonight, the theme for the party, (carrying on eating)
really this doesn’t taste right.” Chaffinch “Get on with it.”
Alfredo Centworth “Tonight the theme for the party is a ‘Bring Your Biggest Diamond To Show Off To The World’ party and invitations have been sent out globally to the ultra super richest of the richest creme de-la-crème of society.” Alfredo Centworth is not looking at all well and has started turning a little olive green looking.
Chaffinch “Really?”
Parodyman “Now that is lame, but I wonder why I as Wayne Bruce did not receive one?”
Alfredo Centworth “Yes I know it is, but it must have been a last-minute plot idea by the writer to make it justifiable for all of these billionaires to gather together in one place with something valuable enough for The Master Of Disguise to steal, to make this daring and complex plot worth it all in the end. Or I sold your tickets to the highest bidder.”
Parodyman “That does explain a lot and convenient you just remembered.”
Alfredo Centworth “I think I am going to be sick.”
Parodyman “Right we are. You go and blow chunks Alfredo, Chaffinch you go
and call for a taxi cab and I will pay for the, oh heck.” Chaffinch “What?”
Parodyman “I’ve got no cash, I don’t suppose you have any Chaffinch?” Chaffinch “Nope, skint.”
Parodyman “What about you Alfredo?”
Alfredo Centworth “On your bike skinflint, I thought you were going to be
paying for the meal.” Parodyman “Right new plan.”
Alfredo Centworth and Chaffinch “What?” Parodyman “RUN!!!!!.”
The threesome makes an exit out of the diner before Maggie can stop them. After a few minutes they are at a convenient enough distance away and after checking they are not being followed they stop to get back their breaths. Alfredo Centworth is throwing up in the corner next to some bins.
Alfredo Centworth “How come the two of you aren’t feeling at all sick, whilst I am?”
Parodyman “We took some anti-Parodyantifoodpoison tablets just before the meals arrived at the table.”
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Alfredo Centworth “Really? I didn’t even know that you had such things as
those on your person.”
Parodyman “No, I haven’t, it is now my turn to be messing with you, for a
change. That felt slightly strange, but good.”
Chaffinch “ Parodyman, you like want me to be calling you a taxi right now
then dude?”
Parodyman “Oh yes, very funny, I don’t think so. I am not going to be falling for that lame old joke. That all said, good idea Chaffinch and all but we haven’t got any money to get ourselves a cab. It would be nice to think though that a good and trusted cabbie of Emoham City would recognise who we are and give us a ride for free. Knowing as it were that we are on a vital mission in aid of this good and fair City.”
Alfredo Centworth steps forward after retrieving some money from inside his
shoe he reluctantly and begrudgingly passes it over to Parodyman.
Alfredo Centworth “Here, I was holding on to this to get some action later on tonight, but the way I am feeling right now I am not going to need it for that, so you can have it, any way you can owe me it at a later time.”
Parodyman “Thank you, Alfredo, that is most very generous of you to help us out in that manner.”
Chaffinch “Yea thanks.”
Alfredo Centworth “Up yours, the pair of you.”
The trio head off trying to hail for themselves a taxi cab. It is difficult, have you tried to do that dressed all in Lycra and spandex, it is not easy, I will tell you that. Not that I have experience in that myself, a friend of mine. Moving swiftly on I do believe.
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Scene 24 : EMOHAM CITY TAXI
Inside the interior of the taxi, we see Parodyman, Chaffinch and Alfredo Centworth who is still looking a little queasy. Up front is the taxi driver and they are driving through the streets of Emoham City and on the way to Jack Off’s nightclub. The taxi driver is off middle eastern European origin, he is wearing a little cloth cap and sporting a full-on porno style moustache, I wonder if I would look good if I grew one just like that? There is something for me to have a little think about.
Cab Driver “It’s you isn’t it? I know it is you. No, tell me don’t, because I am knowing. I know that you it is. A big fan my wife is, yes of you. Me, ok I think you are, but my wife.”
If you want to send letters about his accent and manner of speech just don’t send them to me. That is all I am going to be saying on that subject.
Parodyman “A big fan she is.”
Cab Driver “Yes very much so. It is you, isn’t it?”
Parodyman “Yes it is.”
Cab Driver “Waiting until home I get. The wife, she believe me no when tell here. Be pleasing your autograph, the wife for her you understanding me.”
The cab driver passes back a little scrapbook and pen through the grille near the partition back to Parodyman, he signs the book and passes it back to the cab driver.
Chaffinch “I am invisible I guess.”
Cab Driver “Thanking you, for my wife. Pleased she will be when finds out she does. In my cab, imagine her surprise when I tell her that Superduperman I had in it.”
Chaffinch is sniggering to himself.
Parodyman “Superduperman!!!!!”
Slightly mocking the cab driver Chaffinch whispers over to Parodyman. Chaffinch “Never mind. Just Imagine the butt kicking he is going to be getting when he gets home and his wife finds out that she’s only got your autograph, not Superduperman’s. Man, she is going to be angry.”
Parodyman “Well at least I was asked.”
The trio and also the taxi cab driver sit silently for the rest of the journey.
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Scene 25 : THE NIGHTCLUB SCENE
The cab pulls up to the back entrance of the nightclub. Parodyman pays the cab driver who drives of holding his note-book and waving it to the three with a big pleasant smile on his face.
There is no one around the back of the building, but lucky for them the door is unlocked. The three make their way in and along a corridor and are by a door where they can hear muffled talking on the other side.
Parodyman “Right no plan. So here’s what we are going to do. We just kick the door in, jump in, smack a few people around and then figure the rest out when we get to it. How does that sound to everyone?”
Chaffinch “Good.”
Alfredo Centworth “ Fine by me.”
Parodyman rushes the door and the three dive into the room ready for action. Inside the room, there is a mass of naked bearded male bodies all indulging in a sweaty orgy of unthinkable acts to themselves and towards each other. Parodyman “Excuse me, gentlemen, this is the new nightclub JAZZ In In Your Face isn’t it?”
Bearded Gentleman “No, this a completely different kind of club. I assure you
of that.”
Chaffinch “Oh JAZZ In In Your Face, I get that now.”
Alfredo Centworth “Yes, I know where we are now, I was sure I recognized this place.”
Chaffinch “Fucking cab driver, why they can’t learn the language if they want to live and work here I don’t know.”
Parodyman “You will excuse us gentlemen, but we seem to have the wrong location.”
Parodyman looks over at one of the bearded gentlemen who seems to be wearing a bridal veil.
Parodyman “And congratulations to you, madam, sir.” Bearded Gentleman “Stay if you want.”
Parodyman “No, that’s really fine. Thank you anyway, but all the same, we have to be going. Have a pleasant evening gentlemen.”
The threesome of Parodyman, Chaffinch and Alfredo Centworth make it out of the sauna and are out into the back alley. Alfredo Centworth has taken some money off coupons for his next visit from the counter.
Chaffinch “We can’t be far. Let’s walk and ask directions, we have plenty of time and I can’t be bothered dealing with another cab driver tonight.”
They all walk off together.
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Scene 26 : EMOHAM CITY STREET
The three of them turn on to the main street and start walking along. Still, even with a large number of people passing them by no one really pays that much attention to them.
Chaffinch “How come we are dressed up like this dude and no one even bats an eyelid?”
Parodyman “I think it is possible that we might need better representation Chaffinch.”
Chaffinch “True.”
Parodyman “Maurey, bless him he is a dear, but he is getting on a bit now. I just don’t think he has enough time to spend on each of his clients as he used to have. He just hasn’t got the passion any more”
Chaffinch “That’s very true man, you remember what happened last month? There was the mix up with the children’s birthday party and that bachelorette s&m bondage party, not good.”
Parodyman “Yes the clown still hasn’t returned to work after what those women did to him and best not mention the legal trouble the stripper is in.” Chaffinch looks suddenly across the street and points over.
Chaffinch “Look over there, a fancy dress shop.”
Parodyman “Are you thinking what I am thinking Chaffinch?”
Chaffinch “That there are an awfully lot of convenient situations that have arisen up to guide us through this plot?”
Parodyman “Yes, that and we could go over and get ourselves a disguise in order to infiltrate ourselves unrecognised into the party, who would expect us to go and do that?”
Chaffinch “Isn’t that exactly the same plan as earlier at Jack Off’s Pimpin’ Ain’t
Easy School For Pimps And Ho’s?” Parodyman “No.”
Chaffinch “Why?”
Parodyman “We have Alfredo Centworth with us this time, only slightly
different, but different enough.” Chaffinch “I guess it’s worth a try.”
The three of them walk across the street and enter into the quaint fancy dress store TRANSFORMERS IN DISGUISE. Please no, surely somebody’s got to be getting their asses sued for that one.
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Scene 27 : FANCY DRESS SHOP
Inside the interior of the fancy dress emporium, we see multitudes of costumes on all four of the walls. Behind the counter of the store, there is a little old man, he is smoking a pipe and reading the newspaper. He stands up to greet them as they enter into his store.
Little Old Man “Fine, gentlemen, gentlemen, please come in. Allow me to introduce myself so they can change the name in the script sooner rather than later. My name is Doe, John Doe.”
Mr. John Doe has a light Austrian accent, or quite possibly German. You pick, it’s either one or the other. So, you can go back now and re-read his first line with that in mind. He has thinning grey hair, a grey moustache and is wearing a faded old brown suit with a yellow Dickey bow tie.
Parodyman “Mr. Doe, allow me to introduce us to you. This, of course, is my crime-fighting side-kick Chaffinch, this is our faithful, err this.”
Alfredo Centworth “Driver, I am Parks the driver.”
Parodyman “Yes, and I am of course the infamous crime-fighter, good guy, superhero and all around top-notch honest nice chap Parodyman. You have heard of me of course?”
John Doe “Nope.” Parodyman “Really?” John Doe “No.” Parodyman “Oh.”
John Doe “Never the mind, it is neither here nor there. You are here to return these costumes of course.”
Parodyman “No.” John Doe “What?”
Parodyman “No, these are ours.” John Doe “Are you sure of this?” Parodyman “Yes.”
John Doe “Really?”
Parodyman “Yes.”
John Doe “Do you have any proof?”
Parodyman “What?”
John Doe “Proof that they are yours.”
Parodyman “Well, no, but.”
John Doe “Then hand them over.”
Parodyman “No.”
John Doe “Yes, hand them over too me. I am not going to keep asking you over and over. You silly man. I haven’t got all day to stand around and argue with you. I am a very busy man.”
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Parodyman “No.” John Doe “Yes.” Parodyman “No.” John Doe “Yes.”
Parodyman “Well, do you have any proof that they are your costumes?”
John Doe “Well, no I guess.” Parodyman “There we are then.”
John Doe “But are you seriously telling me that these are your clothes and that you walk around in them?”
Parodyman “Yes.” John Doe “Really?” Parodyman “Yes.” John Doe “Really?”
Chaffinch has had enough.
Chaffinch “Yes he is you stupid dumb fuck. Listen up ass hole this is fucking Parodyman, I am fucking Chaffinch and this, well never mind who he is. We are God damn crime-fighters jerk off and we are here on urgent fucking business. We need to get into the party of Mr. Jack Off to infiltrate into his fucking nightclub in order that we can catch a fucking bad guy by the name of The Master Of Disguise in a fiendish plot to steal the mass wealth of fucking diamonds from the richest fucking billionaires the fucking world around. We need, as the fucking nightclub might suggest to you to fucking disguise
ourselves as fucking Jazz musicians in order to save the fucking day. So stop dicking around and be of some fucking help or you are going to really start to piss me off, dude.”
There is an awkward silence for a moment or two.
Parodyman “Someone has one or two anger issues that need to be sorted out.” John Doe “Fine, ok, calm down lad, don’t get your panties into such a twist. What kind of costumes did you say you wanted, jazz musicians was it, right? Yes, I do believe we can accommodate you on that front gentlemen if you will excuse me one moment.”
Moments later we see three dressing rooms and Parodyman, Chaffinch and Alfredo Centworth pull back the curtains and appear from inside of them. All three of them are wearing matching outfits. Black shoes, white trousers, and jackets with black trim, and red carnations, black shirts, white ties, white top hats and, long black dreadlocks. Alfredo Centworth’s face has been blacked up and both Parodyman and Chaffinch are still wearing their mask and cowl. Both of them also have their crime-fighting costumes on underneath.
John Doe “I’m just not feeling it.”
The three of them pick up bongos from the side. John Doe “Fine, yes, perfect.”
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Parodyman turns to Chaffinch and Alfredo Centworth.
Parodyman “We do now have the unfortunate small problem with the method of payment for these.”
Alfredo Centworth sees that he is being given the sympathy look interrupts Parodyman and takes out of his pocket and hands over an Abraham-Louis Breguet timepiece to John Doe.
Parodyman “I don’t think we are going to be needing three guesses where you
got that from.”
Alfredo Centworth “I do believe this will more than compensate for the hiring
of these costumes Mr. Doe.” John Doe “Is this piece hot?” Alfredo Centworth “Yes.”
John Doe “Fine, my cousin Vinny, he knows some people. Also, horology just
happens to be a hobby of mine.”
Chaffinch “What luck he is into star signs and all that shit. I am not sure how
that helps us out in this situation though.”
Mr. Doe pulls out a magnification eye-glass and observes the watch in detail for a few moments before stashing both in one of his draws, he is momentarily eyeing Chaffinch.
John Doe “Stupid boy. Fine, splendid. The costumes must be back by no later than this time tomorrow evening gentlemen and there are additional fines for lateness or any, erm stains shall we say.”
Parodyman “One last thing Mr. Doe do you happen to know how we can get to
JAZZ In In Your Face”
Mr. Doe holds up a finger and is about to say something, he decides not to
though, he knows how much the joke has been played out.
Chaffinch “The nightclub that is thank you, before we get some kind of
innuendo or double entendre.”
John Doe “Fine. Down the street about five minutes, it’s across on the other side on your right, you can’t miss it. It will be the big building with the JAZZ In Your Face sign on the outside.”
The trio makes their way and leaves the establishment and we see Mr. Doe dancing a happy little jig in the background and collecting his belongings to shut up shop for the night. Someone is in the money.
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Scene 28 : OUTSIDE JAZZ IN YOUR FACE
Around at the back of the building, there are two bouncers guarding the rear staff entrance to the nightclub. One of them is the bouncer from earlier on at Jack Off’s Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy School For Pimps And Ho’s. We really must be getting over the budget on this one now that we are needing to double up on character roles.
Bouncer “Excuse me gentlemen can I be of any assistance to you on this fine Emoham City evening?”
Parodyman “We are part of the entertainment.” Chaffinch “That’s right.”
Alfredo Centworth “We, are ‘Bongo’d Out Of Our Minds’.” All three hold up their bongos.
Bouncer “Have you got any drugs on you gentlemen?” Parodyman “No, of course not.”
The bouncer reaches into his jacket pocket producing a giant spliff and hands it over to Alfredo. He accepts it and slips it behind his ear.
Alfredo Centworth “Radical man.”
Bouncer “Go on in up to the artist dressing rooms. They are on the second floor, the third door on the left. The stairs are through these doors and directly to your right and have a good and splendid performance tonight gentlemen.” Parodyman “Cool.”
Chaffinch “Right on.”
Alfredo Centworth “Tight.”
Our intrepid do-gooders pass by the bouncers and enter inside the building for
the first time.
Bouncer “You know who they were don’t you?”
Bouncer 2 “Nope.”
Bouncer “Parodyman and Chaffinch ”
Bouncer 2 “Yeah!”
Bouncer “And some old dude.”
Bouncer 2 “Why did you let them in then?”
Bouncer “I got to believe there have to be some hard times for them in the crime-fighting business if they got to be going moonlighting around to make themselves a little extra bit of green.”
Bouncer 2 “True that.”
We also go inside the nightclub for the first time.
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Scene 29 : INSIDE JAZZ IN YOUR FACE
Inside of the artists dressing room, the trio of Parodyman, Chaffinch and Alfredo Centworth are sat down in some designer black leather chairs relaxing before they are called to perform. The room is stylishly decorated with modern art on the walls and has a bathroom facility en-suite. There is also a table to the side with an ample array of refreshments laid out. Chaffinch has just sat down with a healthy plate of snacks from the selection. Alfredo Centworth is drinking an exotic fruit n alcohol drink from the shell of a coconut that a member of the staff has just passed over to him and Parodyman is flipping through a
commemorative magazine dedicated to the opening of the new nightclub. The
band has signed up with an official to perform.
Chaffinch “Damn man we got to get ourselves a set of bad boy black leather
chairs like these, dude it even vibrates.”
Alfredo Centworth “I really am going to have to get the recipe for this drink
before we leave, it’s the bomb.”
Parodyman “Have you taken a look at the size of this nightclub? This is very impressive, we have to get a membership for this place. Look they do functions as well, aunt Harrieta’s birthday is coming up next month, I must get something booked for her sharpish.”
Chaffinch “Vibrates man, this is better than sex.”
Alfredo Centworth “This drink is good I will grant you, but not better than sex. Well not better than the kind I am usually paying for anyway.”
Parodyman “They have a loyalty scheme as well.”
Chaffinch “One of these would be sweet down in the Parodycave.”
Alfredo Centworth “I must have another of these.” Parodyman “Oh look they have t-shirts for sale also.”
Alfredo Centworth “Sorry to be the killjoy at this time, but might it not be a good opportunity for one to bring up the matter of a plan.”
Parodyman “They have car stickers also. Plan, yes that would be a good idea.” Chaffinch “What are we going to do then dude?”
Parodyman “Here’s how I see this situation going down. When they call us to perform we go down to that stage and ‘Bongo’d Out Of Our Minds’ perform our tails off. Then when Mr. Off appears and The Master Of Disguise lurks up from the shadows we get into the mix and kick some bottom. How’s that sound to the pair of you?”
Chaffinch “A decent plan.”
Alfredo Centworth “That sounds good to me.” Parodyman “Are we all in agreement on the plan?” Chaffinch and Alfredo Centworth “Yes.” Parodyman “Excellent.”
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Parodyman “That was easy enough.”
The trio attempt a three-way high five, no let’s not go there.
Alfredo Centworth “I don’t suppose either of you actually knows how to play
one of these contraptions do you?” Alfredo Centworth holds up his bongo. Parodyman “Nope.”
Chaffinch “Not really.” Alfredo Centworth “Oh I see.” Chaffinch “What about you?”
Alfredo Centworth “Not a clue.”
Parodyman “Never mind it is jazz, we can just make some things up as we go
along.”
Alfredo Centworth “I will light up that bad boy the bouncer passed to me
before and we’ll have the grove down tight in no time.”
Parodyman “Alfredo Centworth are you suggesting that I as a moral crusader and top notch good guy for the young and impressionable out there, partake in a doobie, just to get us into the groove?”
Alfredo Centworth “Yes.” Parodyman “I don’t believe I should.”
Chaffinch “We could always say after that we didn’t inhale, we do after all have to try and fit in. Our mission depends on this.”
Parodyman “No Chaffinch. I can’t have you having anything to do with this. I don’t want you to throw that do as I do, not as I say speech at me, also. Even if the mission counts on it.”
Parodyman takes away the spliff. A mime is walking by. Parodyman is about to put the spliff out of sight when the mime stops in his tracks and mimes the offering of a lighter, with no response he then pulls a real one out and blazes up the spliff for him. Parodyman takes one inhalation and leans back into the black leather sofa and lets out the most content sigh you will ever hear in your life. Parodyman “Now that has got to be some of the finest hash right there, I am telling you dudes.”
Alfredo Centworth “How would you know to compare I ask?”
Parodyman “College days Alfredo. I wasn’t always the goody two shoes you
have known in the past, oh wait yes I was.”
Chaffinch “Don’t Bogart that, pass that shit around man, got to fit in.”
The trio passes the dutchie around till it’s smoked up and all relax back into the sofas mellowed the fuck out. An assistant enters the room.
Assistant “Are you guys ‘Bongo’d Out Of Your Minds’?” Chaffinch “We sure are my good man.”
Alfredo Centworth “True dat.” Parodyman “Oh yes.”
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Assistant “You guys are on in five minutes, you might like to start to get
yourselves ready.”
Chaffinch “We are so on to that my good man, we ready to smoke this mother
all night long, baby.”
Parodyman “I thought we just did.”
Alfredo Centworth “Man you are so stoned right now, I am of course perfectly ok, who said that?”
Parodyman “Nah. You ever look at wallpaper. I mean really looked at it, up close and personal.”
Chaffinch “Say what!!”
Parodyman “Yeah wallpaper, man. It’s like newspaper but, get this, it is on the wall. Then you got newspaper, right and it’s like wallpaper, but you don’t stick it on the walls, instead you like read it, cos it’s got words. So, like here’s the deal. What I am saying right now is this, you can’t swap the two, you just never can, it is slightly sad if you think about it.”
Chaffinch “That’s deep, like so very deep. Utter bollocks of course, but still at the same time, very deep.”
Alfredo Centworth “Like far out.” Parodyman “I need some munchies ” Chaffinch “Table. There.” Parodyman “Cool.”
A bag of potato chips is in Parodyman’s grasp and he is necking the whole bag down in one. The three of them are getting themselves together and ready for the performance that is about to take place downstairs. They are all mellowed out now and are as ready as they ever will be to make their performance debut as ‘Bongo’d Out Of Our Minds’. The assistant has returned and is leading them down the corridor bongos at the ready and down the stairs to the artists waiting area, behind the main stage. They seem to have miraculously made their way on to a bill of a number of well established top jazz acts hired to perform at the opening of this new jazz club. All this without anyone even noticing that they hadn’t been hired, were not even on the bill or anyone had even heard of them. Oh well another piece of fortuitous luck again then, or there were more stoned people working backstage than at a ‘Just Say YES To Pot’ rally. Either way we snuck them into this one without having any valid argument as to how they got to do so, so all is good. But back to the plot. Yes, we haven’t forgotten through the haze of pot, I mean, quickly hide the stash.
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Scene 30 : MAIN ROOM OF JAZZ IN YOUR FACE
The trio is out on the stage now, behind the curtain as it raises up to reveal the group to the audience, there is stone silence, this is going to go so very badly, you mark my words.
Parodyman “Hello Emoham City.”
Chaffinch “Wooooooo.”
Parodyman “Are you ready to ROCK?”
Chaffinch “Yeah baby!!!!!”
Parodyman “We, are Bongo’d Out Of Our Minds”
There is a very small ripple of applause from the audience, I think more out of sympathy than anything else.
Parodyman “Why thank you very much for that warm reception ladies and gentlemen, you are a beautiful audience.”
Chaffinch “Oh yeah!!!!!”
Parodyman “We want to start our set off tonight by dropping a little number on you that we want to send out to all you beautiful people here tonight. We call this piece, Emoham City Funk”
Alfredo Centworth “One, two, three, hit it.”
The band starts to play, badly. They think they are the bomb, they are not. They are bad, very bad. We leave the stage area going over to one of the tables in the V.I.P section of the club and see Mr. Jack Off sat with a select group of his invited guests. Around him, in the spacious club on the many tables, we see seated some of the richest of the mega super richest people in the world, each with their prized diamonds on display on the table. I know you would think no one would be that dumb to fall for this and actually bring along his or her diamonds to something like this, but hey if they didn’t we wouldn’t have a plot hook for all of this, so let’s just overlook that. Anyway, you got to admit mega dumb super rich folk getting ripped off from their diamonds in a ludicrous manner, that’s some really funny shit right there. I haven’t got anything with me of any value at all, just want to make that clear to everyone, so don’t look.
Jack Off “Anyway you will excuse me, gentlemen, ladies I am off to point Percy at the porcelain. I will return to you in a jiffy.”
Mr. Off stands up from the table and leaves his guests there. He enters into a back room to consult with his team.
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Scene 31 : BACK ROOM OF CLUB
We see Jack Off’s collection of henchman back from the morning at the beach.
All of them are dressed up as the waiters for the evening.
Henchman “I got you a real nice big stick of rock, for you here boss. From our
day out.”
The henchman dully passes Mr. Off the stick of rock he kindly bought him at the beach. Now I have said it before but I will say it again, that was very thoughtful and nice of him.
Jack Off “Why thank you, dear. Butler be a good man and stick this
somewhere. Now then no, don’t be cheeky anyone, don’t tempt me.”
Mr. Off passes the stick of rock (candy by the way, not a literal rock, just saying,
that would be silly) to the butler who takes it and moves out of shot.
Jack Off “Right in a moment everyone take your places as planned and when you hear the command code, the command code butler what did we agree on in the end dear?”
Butler “(out of shot) Master Of Disguise”
Jack Off “Really?”
Butler “Yes.”
Jack Off “Just a bit flat that, couldn’t we have a little something with a little more pizazz?”
Butler “No, we agreed.”
Jack Off “Right, anyway, so when I introduce myself as The Master Of Disguise everyone makes their presence noticed with your weapons out. Oh no, what am I saying, I am on a roll here tonight. Let them know you mean business with your guns and then collect all their diamonds from them, got that? Yes, good, right. I’m off for another glass of champers and have a little mingle before I make my opening speech darlings.”
A speech. This should be interesting. Ten to one odds favourites that it is all about to go down right now.
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Scene 32 : MAIN ROOM OF JAZZ IN YOUR FACE
Back in the main room we see Mr. Off return and is now mingling around a few of the tables making himself noticed to all the guests. Bongo’d Out Of Our Minds are still playing in the background, but by now no one is paying any attention to them and are in fact talking among themselves and partaking in as much of the free Champagne on offer. Lousy freeloaders after just free booze. No one look in my bags, no they are not Champagne shaped looking bulges that you can see there. Let us move on.
When Bongo’d Out Of Their Minds have finished the first number we hear one or two people clapping. The spotlight goes dark over them and reappears on a second stage where we see Mr. Off talking into the microphone.
Jack Off “Ladies and gentlemen what can I say about that. Please give another
round of applause too, well, they will be back later on, but first.” There is a groan from around the crowd.
Jack Off “I know, oh do please hush, what can I say. You see all the artists are contracted to play at least two numbers. Nothing I can do, my hands are tied on this one and you all know I usually like that kind of party. Anyway, darlings it is my great pleasure as your host to welcome you all here to my grand opening, oh aren’t I naughty? But seriously, my lords, ladies and gentlemen welcome, welcome one and all to JAZZ In In Your Face”.
Mr. Off has his hands stretched theatrically out to accept the adulation he believes he so justly deserves, really how pretentious. There is mass applause all around the packed room and many are toasting Champagne flutes up to their humble (ha yeah humble, right) host Mr. Jack Off.
Jack Off “Thank you one and all.”
We see Mr. Jack Off’s butler walk over to him on the stage and then passes him his ‘special’ hat. You know what time it is don’t you boys and girls? Yes, you are right, let us have a look and see what happens next.
Jack Off “Now then my dears it is special surprise fun time. Allow me to introduce to you to the man you all have heard of as the fiend who robbed the First International Bank Of Emoham City. Ladies and gentlemen may I present to you, The Master Of Disguise.”
Mr. Off places the hat on to his head and (SURPRISE) is once again transformed into The Master Of Disguise. All around the room all the waiters
pull out their guns and point them towards the attended guests. This is getting all very exciting right now.
The Master Of Disguise “(voice deeper again) Ain’t you all of a sudden a bunch of shocked looking mother fuckers out there right now?”
Invited Lady Guest “Oh I say this is awfully fun, how spiffing, a charming little old floor show, splendid.”
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The Master Of Disguise “Zip it lady this is not part of the entertainment, I assure you, this is a fucking hold up. Now, these gentleman you see around the room are my associates and they will be passing around amongst you momentarily. If you would be so kind as to take the diamonds you have brought with you and place them in the receptacles I have generously provided for you. Also, if you are feeling extra nice you can bung in any other jewellery, watches, necklaces, wallets, anything like that while you are at it. There are some members of the press here so I will be taking a few moments to pose for a photographic record of this special occasion. Only valid members of the press, none of you general public scum taking any pictures out there. If you do you will be thrown out. Here I will even pull my hat down low and look all scoundrel like and menacing for you.”
Mr. Off is now getting himself ready for some official press photographs for the
next day’s dirt sheets, I mean the respected daily newspapers.
Invited Male Guest “(to his wife at his side) I don’t get it, he’s Mr. Jack Off, we
all know who he is. So, he robs us, he leaves, then what? He won’t get away with this, it doesn’t make sense. How does he think he will get away with this?” The Master Of Disguise “Then what. Did you hear that ladies and gentlemen? What happens next he asks? Well, I could hold you all hostage as ransom and get myself some more money for you all. I could have you all shot and then make my escape. You are right though, how am I going to get away with this? I am a criminal you dumb fuck, I know the right people. I know the people who will buy the diamonds. I will disappear underground, you’ll never see me again with a caper this BIG. I will have enough money after this to vanish and with a bit of plastic surgery pop up at some later date, unrecognisable.”
Invited Male Guest “You are a multi-billionaire though, for heaven’s sake why do you need to be doing this?”
The Master Of Disguise “Thank you for asking. There are two reasons, first, a great number of you here are not just randomly invited guests, but are in fact original investors or related to original investors in my father, Thomas Off’s original start-up company. Without all of you, My father wouldn’t have been the successful businessman he became.”
Invited Male Guest “Well, then why are you doing this? You should be
thanking us.”
The Master Of Disguise “Because of that success and him spending every waking moment of his life working, I didn’t get to see my father. I didn’t get to see my mother also because she was working by his side every hour that God sent them. You fucks and or your predecessors fucked me over. Now it’s payback time bitches.”
Invited Male Guest “Well if that isn’t the most feeble of reasons then I don’t know what is, really I do say.”
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The Master Of Disguise “I am starting to lose my rag with the lot of you, now just do as I tell you to do, or fucking else, all hell will be unleashed on to your worthless hides.”
Invited Male Guest “And what is the second reason, may I be as so bold to ask you?”
At this moment The Master Of Disguise takes a gun from one of his henchmen standing near him and fires a single shot directly into the head of the male invited guest. Well, that is his night well and truly ruined. That will teach him,
asking stupid questions to an insane maniac with a gun. I mean, who said that? It was him the guy who looks and sounds just like me, he ran that way, quickly get him, someone.
The Master Of Disguise “Because guy, I am a vicious, heartless, ruthless, sadistic, uncontrollable, hat wearing, bastard, that is why.”
There is a commotion all around the room as the guests are shocked by the shooting that has just taken place in front of them. Well, this is most definitely not going to get a P.G rating.
The Master Of Disguise “Now then unless there are any dumber fucking questions maybe, just maybe we can be getting along with this little robbery of mine, with a little luck.”
The Master Of Disguise hands his gun back over to the henchman and they start to remove the diamonds from all the tables around the room. The Master Of Disguise looks over at Bongo’d Out Of Our Minds. They haven’t moved but I am sure they are just waiting for the right moment, like the moment they are straight enough to focus on what is going on around them.
The Master Of Disguise “Oi you three tarts, play some mood music and it
better be a bit more lively than before.”
The spotlight is again back on Bongo’d Out Of Our Minds as they all step forward. None of them are as excited as they were at the start of the performance.
Parodyman “Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, there is nothing like a captive crowd. For our next and as it turns out our final number for tonight’s performance, we would like to play a little number called ‘I’m Parodyman and He’s Chaffinch’. I do believe that now is just the appropriate time for a good old- fashioned bottom kicking.”
That Parodyman, he is such a potty mouth. The crime-fighting duo rips away their jazz disguises as Alfredo Centworth is sidestepping towards the exit and they are now in fighting stances up on the stage.
Another Invited Female Guest “Oh they are so doomed right now, I would help but, well forget that the bad guys have guns.”
All of the henchmen have their guns pointed towards Parodyman and Chaffinch up on the stage.
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Now then folks the interactive portion of this book. What do you wish to see
happen next in our adventures? Do you choose : A)The henchmen all fire and shoot our heroes dead.
B)The henchmen all turn their guns towards The Master Of Disguise as they are police undercover agents who have been on to him from the start.
C)All the guns jam on them at the same time allowing Parodyman and Chaffinch to kick their behinds.
D)Same as A, but Parodyman and Chaffinch have on bulletproof vests so they can play dead and come back in another scene to get the bad guys. E)Parodyman and Chaffinch run like fuck.
F)All of the invited guests take the courage to all jump the henchman, wrestle
them to the crowd and save the day.
G)Alfred returns with a massive BIG fuck of machine gun wearing an Iron
protective suit and shoots down all the henchmen.
H)None of the above.
So, let us see what happens, shall we?
Wait a few moments if you like, build up the suspense, maybe go and make yourself a cup of tea, walk the dog or anything you like really.
You left us with the awesome duo in serious peril indeed. The henchmen have all got their weapons (no sniggering please) trained towards the duo of Parodyman and Chaffinch. One of the guests suddenly hits one of the henchmen in the face with a metal tray and down he goes.
Invited Guest “Parodyman and Chaffinch we have your back. All right, everyone, clobbering time, get em’.”
The guests all start to jump on the henchmen, taking them completely by surprise. A few shots are fired, but up into and towards the ceiling. There are too many guests versus henchmen for the henchmen to have a chance in this fight. Several of the guests are smashing the chairs over the backs of the henchmen while others are using bottles of Champagne on them. Parodyman and Chaffinch have spotted that The Master Of Disguise has thrown his hat aside, and is
making a quick exit along with the butler trying to get out of the building. Chaffinch “Look they are trying to escape.”
Parodyman “Let’s go get them Chaffinch.”
We see Parodyman and Chaffinch make their way through the guests and henchmen getting beaten up by said guests. Parodyman grabs a gun as he runs past and continues running until they are out of the room and have caught up in the foyer with Jack Off (he is back as Jack Off again without the hat) and his butler, sorry we never do find out what his name is, make one up if you like.
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Scene 33 : FOYER OF NIGHTCLUB
Parodyman “Hold it right there, no use in running. Your plan has been foiled.” Chaffinch “Yeah man it looks like it’s all gone a little pear-shaped for the two of you now.”
Parodyman “Give up, there’s no point in running any-more.”
Jack Off “It was you.” Parodyman “Me.” Jack Off “Yes, you.”
Parodyman “Me what.”
Jack Off “It was you, or should I say, your parents.” Parodyman “My parents, I don’t understand.”
Jack Off “Oh come on Mr. Bruce, a mask like that. Seriously it’s about as obvious as a stupid hat, why do you think I chose it?”
Parodyman “But I.”
Jack Off “Yes you are Wayne Bruce and that’s obviously Dick Beigeson, so
now that we all know who we all are, let’s cut the lies.” Parodyman “What’s all this about parents then?”
Jack Off “My parents died in a plane crash Mr. Bruce/Parodyman. That’s right a plane crash, a plane crash in a plane owned by your parents. Starting to become
a little clearer to you now is it?” Parodyman “But I.”
Jack Off “Yes a plane your parents owned, a plane your parents were supposed to be on also. They missed the flight because they decided to attend a school concert instead of flying off on a business trip with my parents. A school concert that we, yes we as in you and I were performing at.”
Chaffinch is looking towards the camera. Chaffinch “Is everyone getting this?”
Jack Off “Oh I was a few years ahead of you back then and I very much doubt you remember me, but I remember you all right. You were a little shit back then. You were the one that put laxative in my drink before the performance and right in the middle of my performance I blow off and soil myself in front of the entire audience. What do you think everyone called me for the rest of my time in that school? I’ll tell you, ’Blown Off. Ok they were not very creative I’ll grant you, but that name stuck with me never the less.”
Parodyman “But I.”
Jack Off “Yes, Mr. Bruce your parents made it to see you at that performance, but not my parents, they never got that opportunity. I was the only boy that didn’t have his parents there to support them and that night I needed them most after what you did to me. Like the old saying goes I guess, what goes around comes around Mr. Bruce.”
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Chaffinch “I thought you might have resented your parents?”
Jack Off “I resented them not being there for me, you can empathize with that, so can you Wayne, we are all in the same boat. Then they died and everything I wanted most died at that moment. That moment the plane went down, your parents plane Wayne. Then you could say their fate and your fate was sealed.” Parodyman “But I.”
Jack Off “Oh do shut up with the But I’s. It was my butler that was brought in to look after me after the funeral. It was he who after spending some time in prison for, well we won’t go into that. It was he who had the criminal connections that I have used over the years. He saw my rage, harnessed it and focused it in the
right direction and melded me into the criminal I have become. The job at the First International Bank Of Emoham City wasn’t my first rodeo either, there were other jobs in other cities, but with proper disguises. You know ones that were not as see-through as a fucking window. You have realized by now that all that was just a smoke screen to get you captured don’t you? Of course, I recognized you when you attended my party and I thought it would be a little fun to send you on that wild goose chase. You didn’t see me, but I was the janitor you passed in the hall in the Jack Off’s Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy School For Pimps And Ho’s. I was with you that day on the bus in a horrendous old dirty raincoat. Also, I knew I had hired your perverted old man-servant, that Alfredo Centworth and I knew he would overhear my plans and get you here in some fashion. Just so that you could bear witness to what was supposed to be my greatest triumph. I wanted you to be here to see all your billionaire friends get exactly what they had coming to them, for you to bear witness to them in their humiliation and hear my story, feel my pain. I wanted you here at this party so I could humiliate you more than you could imagine. It was butler here who knew the right people who were in the right place when your parents Wayne met they’re, shall we say grizzly end.”
Chaffinch “Wow this is far out. You’ll be going ahead and telling me next that you had something to do with the death of my parents. You are not going to tell me that are you?”
Mr. Off looks like he is about to confirm that to Chaffinch, with an almost evil glint in his eyes.
Jack Off “Of course I am not going to say that, you silly boy. I don’t even know who they were.”
Chaffinch “So this is all about revenge then? This whole long drawn out and sometimes seemingly ridiculous plot. This was all about you getting a little bit of revenge.”
Jack Off “Why, yes.”
Parodyman “You had my parents killed?” Jack Off “Well, yes, sort of.”
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Parodyman “And you staged all this to get back at everyone you believe took
your parents away from you?”
Jack Off “Yes, of course. I must admit that it all went a little tits up at the end part of my plan, I’ll grant you that. Who would have seen it coming, that lot in there growing a backbone.”
Parodyman has pulled a gun from a tucked away position in his tights behind his back and has it pointing at Jack Off. His hands are shaking a little.
Jack Off “Ok, I didn’t see that coming.” Parodyman “You fiend, you killed my parents.” Chaffinch “Dude not cool.”
Parodyman “He killed my parents.”
Chaffinch “Fair enough, go ahead and shoot the fucker, give me the gun and I will do it if you won’t, or can’t.”
Jack Off “I don’t want to be all technical with you but I didn’t actually kill them. It was I who conveyed to butler here that I wanted them dead and he who knew someone who actually did the deed. So if it is anyone you should be pointing
that thing at it is butler here.”
Butler “You shit.”
Alfredo Centworth now appears into the shot behind Parodyman and Chaffinch, he has taken the silly wig and most of the blacked-up make-up off now. Good idea, there are bound to be complaints.
Alfredo Centworth “Sir, it is not you.”
Parodyman does not turn around to look at Alfredo Centworth, he has his eyes
directly on Mr. Off and is still pointing the gun at him. Parodyman “He had my parents killed.”
Alfredo Centworth “Yes sir but this isn’t you. Cold blooded murder isn’t you. Deserved or not as you may believe it to be, it isn’t you. Justice will be served, the right way. This is not the right way and you know that. Do what is right, your parents taught you right and wrong. Something Mr. Off here never had the opportunity to have. You have that over him, sir.”
We hear the sound of police sirens growing louder and louder and outside the building, there is a screech of tires as several police vehicles pull up outside of the nightclub.
Alfredo Centworth “Good, I took the precaution when I slipped off to the side of the stage earlier on to call for the police and here they are, better late than never I guess.”
Mr. Off and his butler are looking around for an escape route but they are trapped like rats, it seems. Alfredo Centworth has now walked up to Parodyman’s side and takes the gun from his grasp then trains it directly at Mr. Jack Off and his butler.
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Alfredo Centworth “Best not let the police see you holding this, you have an image to protect after all Mr. Parodyman. Like I said back in the dungeon, a master criminal like any self indulged egomaniac just loves hearing the sound of his own voice and in this case he couldn’t help having the opportunity to tell you his entire motivations behind his plan, giving the police, even the Chief and the Commissioners useless lot enough time to get here.”
Jack Off “Damn you all to heck and back. I would have gotten away with it if it
wasn’t for you pesky.”
Parodyman, Chaffinch & Alfredo Centworth (in unison) “NO.” Commissioner Gordonson, a group of about thirty or so police officers and someone in Chief O’Klahoma’s uniform but looking a little different enter through the foyer doors. The majority of the police officers rush by into the room to take care of the henchmen and the situation in there. A couple of them stay in the foyer, they are handcuffing Mr. Off’s and the butler’s hands behind their backs then take them outside to the paddy wagon parked on the curb. As they are taking Mr. Off and his butler away we see Mrs. Harrieta Dooper and Ms. Marjory Flangeworthy staggering past outside the building very drunk with six sailors as their escorts. Parodyman is looking a little strangely at the man standing next to the Commissioner.
Commissioner Gordonson “Congratulations Parodyman on solving this case, oh and of course you Chaffinch, cheers.”
Parodyman “All in a days work Commissioner.” Chaffinch “Piece of cake.”
No, we are leaving that joke alone, it has been done many times before. Commissioner Gordonson “Should have asked, but they were two of the ones we were here to arrest weren’t they?”
The Commissioner is now pointing back to Mr. Off and his butler just outside of
the building.
Parodyman “Yes of course.”
Commissioner Gordonson “Good show chaps, don’t want to make that same mistake again.”
Parodyman “True.”
Commissioner Gordonson “I suppose it’s already been explained has it, you know the whys, the hows, the where’s and all of that of the case, and the solving of it, and all that?”
Parodyman “Yes.”
Commissioner Gordonson “That is good then, no need for us to be going and repeating it all then. We’ll just go ahead and take all that as read and take the bad guys away. We can just presume that the bad guys you point out to be the bad guys are indeed that and take your word over theirs and not question anything else then.”
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We see Parodyman looking confused.
Parodyman “Commissioner, may I be as bold to ask you who exactly this guy standing next to you is?”
Commissioner Gordonson “He is a stand-in, the guy who usually plays Chief O’Klahoma is asking for more money. There wasn’t the time or the extra money to reshoot the earlier scenes so we just thought we would slip this guy in as a stand-in and hope that no one would notice the change.”
Parodyman “Oh, I see.”
Commissioner Gordonson “Well then folks it looks like the pair of you have
saved the day, again.” Parodyman “Yes it does.” Chaffinch “Ok.”
The four of them including the replacement for Chief O’Klahoma are standing around in the foyer at a loss for anything to say or do. Parodyman is checking the time on his Parodywatch, Chaffinch is checking out a poster for forthcoming attractions at the club (although it might not be opening again), the Commissioner is kicking around a bit of carpet and the extra is looking down at his fingernails.
Commissioner Gordonson “Nice weather, for the time of year.”
Chaffinch “Yes.” Parodyman “Indeed.”
Out of the doors from the main room, the police officers return with all The Master Of Disguise’s henchmen/waiters handcuffed and looking a bit worse for wear after the beating they had just taken by the guests and defiantly not by the police, honest (wink wink). An elderly guest emerges out behind them and hits one of the henchmen a few more time with her handbag and then returns to the main room. As the doors are opened we hear the sound of music, it seems a band has taken over musical duties for the evening and the party is back with a swing. Even without the host for the night. I told you they were there for the free booze and didn’t even give a hoot about what the party was all about.
When all of the police officers have taken the henchmen away we are left once
again with the foursome as mentioned before, silent yet again.
Commissioner Gordonson “Listen Parodyman before you go, (subtle hint for them to bugger off we think) we’ve had a few leads about the theft of the Parodymobile.”
Chaffinch “Excuse me. You have done something, police work. You have done some police work?”
Commissioner Gordonson “Yes surprised us also.” Chaffinch “Do you have the perpetrator in custody?”
A small amount of laughter is coming from all the men. Well, they know better than our heroes.
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Commissioner Gordonson “Oh no, don’t be going all crazy now there. We haven’t gone all overboard on this, we just got a little lucky looking for this hooker, err I mean doing some police work, that is. We kind of went and got ourselves a little bit lost, knocked on a door looking for directions and saw it over a fence, pure dumb luck really.”
Chaffinch “You said it.” Commissioner Gordonson “Yes.”
Parodyman “Thank you, Commissioner.”
Commissioner Gordonson “Just give me a call in the morning and I will give you the address, it’s in my desk somewhere. Make that the afternoon, I might be a little busy, well hungover.”
Parodyman “Thank you.”
Chaffinch “We got to go Parodyman, crime never sleeps and all that shit.” Parodyman and Chaffinch in a heroic slow-motion montage are shown making their way out of the front entrance of the nightclub (we have stopped mentioning the name, I think you get the joke by now) which are being held open by two police officers. They are both now getting high-fives and a massive round of applause from all the police officers and some members of the public that are lined on the side-walk. The henchmen, Mr. Off, and butler look on from within the paddy wagons looking a little-pissed off.
Man In Crowd “So what is actually going on here then? No one seemed to
know when I asked.”
Man In Crowd 2 “I don’t know they just shoved me here gave me $5, said applaud loudly when we say so and high-five the two freaky ass weirdos in tight spandex if they pass you by with a big smile on your face.”
Man In Crowd “Do you think they are filming a movie?” Man In Crowd 2 “Either that or something political.” Man In Crowd “You got $5?”
Man In Crowd 2 “Yeah.”
Man In Crowd “Oh.”
Man In Crowd 2 “What did you get?”
Man In Crowd “A hand job.” Man In Crowd 2 “Oh!!!!!”
We see off in the far distance just visible to the naked eye the original actor (who is quite drunk as it happens and waving a bottle of wine in a brown paper bag around) who played Chief O’Klahoma holding up a placard that reads
‘EQUAL PAY FOR Chief O’KLAHOMA’ momentarily before it cuts back to the shot of the front of the nightclub and Commissioner Gordonson and the stand-in Chief O’klahoma. The Commissioner is shown in bold handsome profile looking proud, maybe a little heroic inspiring music quietly in the background would be nice.
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Commissioner Gordonson “Tonight Chief, Emoham City is safe. We all owe a
great debt to Parodyman and Chaffinch, a great debt, and let us not forget that. If it wasn’t for men like them, well I would hate to think what kind of City we would be living in. For a start, we would all have to be doing some real police work ourselves. Tonight yet again we are safe with the knowledge that the criminals are once again behind bars where they belong. Now then, I can assign the paperwork to this to someone else tomorrow. I am off to pick up my stunningly gorgeous wife, grab ourselves some hookers and get completely fucked up out of my head on some of that real good Columbian shit we have in our police lock up.”
At this moment, Commissioner Gordonson looks over at the stand-in Chief O’Klahoma and lets out a sigh. He is longing to shout something out to the real Chief O’Klahoma. We are all willing him to make that leap and do just that, get the old gang back together.
Commissioner Gordonson “I miss the original O’Klahoma, he was way more
fun than you are.”
The Commissioner looks up the street and shouts off into the distance with all
his passion and sincerity.
Commissioner Gordonson “Milton this arse-clown is absolutely no fun at all, come back to me. Let’s go get us some green, my wife, some fine ass ho’s and paint this town red.”
Original Chief O’Klahoma (faint and off camera) “Too fucking right, you tell them bastards Jimmy-jams.”
The Commissioner walks off out of shot to where his old companion and colleague is and we see the stand-in O’Klahoma all alone. For some unexplained reason all the police, the cars, the paddy wagons and the crowd of people have gone and the street is completely empty. The stand in O’Klahoma receives an umbrella out of shot and is about to start a song and dance number when the original O’Klahoma stumbles into the shot.
Original Chief O’Klahoma “Ok, we’ll have none of that fucking shite.”
The original Chief grabs the front of the camera pulling it down and the picture goes blank. We hear some punches being thrown and some cries of agony. Commissioner Gordonson “Come on Chief he’s not worth it.”
Original Chief O’Klahoma “Teach him to fuck with me.”
Audio goes dead now as the scene ends. Parodyman never did get his Parodyutilitybelt back, did he?
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Scene 34 : PSYCHIATRIST OFFICE
We return yet again ladies and gentlemen and it is the next afternoon. We find ourselves in a very neat, compact and bijou office. There is a desk in the room in front of a large window overlooking the City. On one side of the room, the wall displays a number of framed certificates of the mental health and psychological variety. On the other side, there is a healthy stocked set of bookshelves containing numerous books, these probably have been read by or some even written by their owner. Either side of the desk there is two impressive looking large yucca plants. Behind the desk in the office is a very smartly presented gentleman with a bald head, neat trim goatee beard and he is stroking a cat. No, just messing with you, different story. No cat, but he is writing down notes in a notepad. He is wearing a very expensive suit, nice game if you can get into it
this psychology scam. I am not jealous, just because my brother’s practice is doing so well. Why don’t you get yourself a proper job father says, take a look at your brother. Look how good he is doing, why can’t you be more like him? Leave me alone daddy. Anyway, voice over artists are very respected in our profession, but back to the plot. There is also in the room the returning successful duo of Parodyman and Chaffinch. They are both laying down side by side, on two separate leather sofas.
Psychiatrist “First of all (he has an Australian accent, I know we thought it was funny also) Mr. Parodyman and Mr. Chaffinch. I would like to assure you that anything you say in here is completely confidential and nothing that is said in today’s counselling or, if you decide you need any more therapy, in any future sessions, will not be repeated or go any further than these four walls. Let me introduce myself, my name is Peters, Waldo Peters”
The psychiatrist turns on a tape recorder by his side and is writing down ideas
for titles of books.
‘Parodyman And Chaffinch : UNCENSORED’.
‘Behind The Spandex : The Parodyman And Chaffinch Story’. ‘Suited And Booted : Behind The Crime-Fighters’. ‘Parodyman & Chaffinch On Ice : The Musical’.
‘If I Was Parodyman & Chaffinch For A Day.’
‘A Chaffinch’ Parody’.
He sighs and crosses the last one out then carries on writing more notes on a
separate page.
Waldo Peters “I want you to think of this as safe haven gentlemen. Relax, help yourself to mineral water or a soft drink. There is no need to feel any pressure here at all. Take your masks of if you wish, you have yourself right here a confident and maybe even a friend.”
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Parodyman “I think the masks can stay on if you don’t mind, you understand,
crime-fighters that we are and all of that.”
Waldo Peters “Sure thing cobber. This is your time.”
Chaffinch “Gee thanks.”
Waldo Peters “Big fans of yours by the way. The bigger question is why are
you here?” Parodyman “Well.”
Waldo Peters “Before you continue if I may. I want you to know that in my sessions there are no right or wrong answers. No one here is to blame for anything. There is nothing but positivity here in this room. Don’t worry though, we won’t have you sitting naked in a circle around a fire chanting or any of that old cobblers. That said please respect each other’s boundaries during our time together and let each other have their time to speak, no interrupting. I catch you doing that and it’s a smack, just kidding of course. So, Mr. Parodyman or do you mind me calling you, what is your first name if you don’t mind me asking you that personal question?”
Parodyman “Just call me Parodyman.”
Waldo Peters “Great it’s over to you Parody me old mucker.”
Parodyman “I just want to do what is right for the boy. It’s not easy you know.
He is a teenage boy and I am.”
Waldo Peters “I understand you mate. There is this gap between you and you don’t think you are hip or with it or can communicate between the age gap, but that’s ok, you don’t need to get hip with his scene or visa versa. How did you guys like get to start working together in the first place then? I see you live together also, interesting, that is very interesting.”
Chaffinch “Well, you see my parents died and.” Waldo Peters “Tough break there little feller.”
Chaffinch “Yes, my parents passed on when I was very young and I was awarded into the legal guardianship to err Parodyman here when the courts deemed I was unable to look after myself since I was homeless, that and I also had nowhere to live.”
Waldo Peters “Tough break. Why was that?”
Chaffinch “My family, they were both travelling life insurance salespeople, we were a family of travelling life insurance salespersons, you know living the rock n roll nomadic lifestyle”
Waldo Peters “That sounds exciting.”
Chaffinch “Yeah great, so after they passed away.”
Waldo Peters “How did that happen?”
Chaffinch “They were killed by a heard of stampeding elephants.”
Waldo Peters “How did that make you feel?” Chaffinch “Well, I was crushed.”
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Waldo Peters “Ha ha, good joke mate. So, Parodyman. His parents died, he had no place to live, possibly there was some kind of trouble with the law, probably even doing all sorts of drugs and having sex with male and female strangers for cash. How did you come across him, so to speak?”
Both Parodyman and Chaffinch are looking a little uneasy and Parodyman talks a little slower, then returning to normal speed trying to find the right words. Parodyman “As a respected member of the community I was contacted to find out if I could become the legal guardian of.”
Waldo Peters “Any experience.”
Parodyman “What?”
Waldo Peters “Any experience with young boys.”
Parodyman “Excuse me.”
Waldo Peters “Looking after them, have you any experience of that.”
Parodyman “Well, I.”
Waldo Peters “So, you started working together soon after you started shacking
up together, been in the crime-fighting game long Chaffinch?”
Chaffinch “We have been doing this some time yes. You will have read in the
papers our success in catching the criminal known as the Master.” Waldo Peters “You got a girlfriend Chaffinch?”
Chaffinch “Well, no.” Waldo Peters “Boyfriend?” Chaffinch “Listen.”
Waldo Peters “Rewarding is it, this crime-fighting lark Parodyman?” Parodyman “Why yes it is. It has many rewards, spiritual and.” Waldo Peters “Pay well?”
Parodyman “What?”
Waldo Peters “Does this crime-fighting malarkey pay well? Who does pay you by the way and how do you get paid? Cash in hand, brown paper bags in secret locations I am guessing. Pays enough so you can take some well needed down time, stop and smell the roses once in a while. Maybe a trip once in a while down south to see a donkey show.”
Chaffinch “Of course we all need to take that time, once in.” Waldo Peters “You ever smoked the pipe?”
Chaffinch “The what?”
Waldo Peters “Smoked the pipe, chased the dragon, hit the bong, slid down the
slide, chomped on the bit, rode the white pony, hey it’s all cool man.” Chaffinch “Now then listen.”
They are both getting a little agitated at this point.
Waldo Peters “Congratulations on your recent success by the way against The Master Of Disguise gentlemen. You have to be applauded on that one.” Parodyman “Why thank you.”
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Parodyman “Oh yes very much so. It was indeed a great moment in our lives for us when we were able to see him and his gang of thugs put behind bars. To see justice done.”
Waldo Peters “The arrest itself has been well covered by all of the press and media. Some of them observed that the police at hand may have been a little heavy-handed, downright brutal even in the capture of the henchmen, what are your thoughts on that situation? Do you think that the police went too far or were too soft-handed?”
Parodyman “Look are you a Psychiatrists or are you some kind of journalist? I would like very much to know exactly where this line of interrogation is going, where is this all leading to?”
Chaffinch is calming his partner down a little now. Giving him some deep breathing exercises to do to relax.
Chaffinch “It’s ok dude. It is ok this guy is just trying to get deep down into our lives to try and help us heal some broken memories or some psychobabble shit like that.”
Parodyman “It’s just all these insinuations he is throwing out about us, these lines of questioning he is using. I don’t know where the guy is trying to go with all of this. It is just so frustrating.”
Waldo Peters “Listen to me here mate, I just want all the background information I can get so I can try and be the one to help you. The more I learn, the more you heal. The more I understand, the more you connect with each other. The more I get behind the issues, the more a bright future the two of you have together.”
Chaffinch “Thank you.”
Parodyman “Yes, thank you, and sorry.”
Waldo Peters “So, let me ask you both. Which of you in this relationship is the giver and which of you is the receiver? I am guessing that you Parodyman are the one that likes to go on top.”
Parodyman has now gone and lost his rag completely and jumps up off his leather sofa and is scrambling desperately over the desk to get at the Psychiatrists. I don’t blame him, to be honest. This quack was starting to act like a bit of a dick if you ask me. Chaffinch is holding him back.
Waldo Peters “What!!!!! What did I say?” Parodyman “I’m gonna smack you one.”
Chaffinch “Dude, he ain’t worth it. Listen up man he ain’t worth it. Besides that, the witnesses man.”
The pair both look towards the camera for a moment and smile cheekily. Parodyman “Right.”
Chaffinch “You know what to do?” Parodyman “Yes, indeed.”
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The two disappear off camera as they have circled around the back of the cameraman. We see the shot going all jerky then moving backward as if the camera is being dragged away. There are also some garbled words heard from the cameraman. The shot goes out into the waiting room where Parodyman and Chaffinch are at the door and we can see Chaffinch holding on to the Psychiatrists preventing him from escaping. Parodyman is at the door, he closes it and locks it not allowing the camera or us into the room to see what is happening. We can, however, hear what is transpiring in the room, the shot, however, stays of a close up of the door to the Psychiatrists office.
Inside the room we hear a lot of loud shouting, a few screams, there is the sound of a scuffle, a few items being thrown and we hear the sound of a few glass framed certificates being broken. There is also the sound of a yucca plant being hit on to various objects, a faint crying can be heard and some documents being ripped up. Then silence.
The door opens and Parodyman and Chaffinch walk confidently out of the psychiatrist’s office. Chaffinch is taking a cassette tape out of a tape recorder, the machine is thrown to the side and he is seen unravelling the tape and ripping it up before dis-guarding it to the side.
The receptionist is reading a magazine and hasn’t looked up for any of the disturbances that have taken place. She is wearing, what is this obsession. She’s just a blink and you will miss her role, sorry, but get over it, just imagine a mid- twenties secretary. Ok so we dated a few weeks, you know a few laughs and then she left me for her ex. I am not bitter, I just don’t want to talk about it. Fucking slut. Anyway, bit part, not like a narrator with an active role in the entire, yes entire project, so there. Parodyman says in passing.
Parodyman “Hold all of the Psychiatrists appointments for the rest of the day Miss.”
Chaffinch “Yeah, he just got knocked the fuck out.”
We see the duo walking down the corridor in a reverse shot, we see they have
the swagger and they high-five each other, successfully, hurrah.
Parodyman “What would that guy know anyway. Waldo Peters. What kind of
silly name is Waldo?”
Chaffinch “I got the perfect solution to all of our problems, lets rock n roll.”
Let us indeed follow the pair and do as Chaffinch says and that is rock n roll baby, oh yeah. Excuse me back to the show.
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Scene 35 : JACUZZI (AGAIN)
We have returned to the spacious Bruce Manor again. It is a return to the Jacuzzi, but we do not see either Parodyman or Chaffinch in the jacuzzi together as we saw earlier on, NO. Indeed we do not. But then who could it possibly be
in there?
We also do not see in the jacuzzi together Mr. Wayne Bruce or Master Dick Beigeson, NO. Well, not technically. It will all be explained in a moment or two I promise you that.
Thankfully we do not have to see aunt Harrieta Dooper, Ms. Marjory Flangeworthy, Alfredo Centworth Centworth, Chief O’Klahoma or Commissioner Gordonson in there, or a combination of any of the five of them, you can uncover your eyes now it is safe to look folks.
It would have been nice if we could have seen Mrs. Catalina Alexia Cristynia Ana-Maria Romona Titiana Juliana Stefania Gordonson in there with Mrs. Sharon Cummings, all naked, lathered up in soap, kissing each other all hot and steamy, touching and caressing each other, wet with desire and with a rose between, sorry where was I?
Also, a little far-fetched to have in there Mr. Jack Off/The Master Of Disguise or his butler, I have started to call him Fred. Those two are in prison, after all, serving up some hard time for the rest of their lives, or until the sequel.
Instead, in the jacuzzi together we can see Mr. Wayne Bruce dressed up with Chaffinch’s mask on and we have Master Dick Beigeson with Parodyman’s cowl on, dressed up as each other, ok make sense?
Dick/Parodyman “I told you we could return here later on and do some serious
messing with peoples mind, man.” Wayne/Chaffinch “Oh yeah.”
Dick/Parodyman “Really go out to town and fuck with their minds right here.” Wayne/Chaffinch “You called it.”
Dick/Parodyman “Yeah dude.”
Wayne/Chaffinch “They are not cutting this scene are they?”
Dick/Parodyman “Nah, we’re cool.”
Wayne/Chaffinch “Idiotic psychiatrist, what was that all about?” Dick/Parodyman “Yeah we didn’t need him. Just soak in this bad boy, relax our problems away then get back to saving Emoham City, yet again.” Wayne/Chaffinch “Where next I wonder chum.”
Dick/Parodyman “You got in touch with Commissioner Gordonson to get the
address of where he says the Parodymobile is?” Wayne/Chaffinch “Yeah I got that.”
Dick/Parodyman “Well, we can go and check that out in the morning, you down with that player?”
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Wayne/Chaffinch “Yes I do believe that I am, as you youngsters are saying it
these days, that I am down with that, dawg.”
We hear and indeed even see the door open and we see Parodygirl is standing by the doorway. Parody who? I hear you shout, or at least say in a slightly louder voice than you may have been using before. Parodygirl is tall, slim, blonde, maybe a few years older than Chaffinch, she has a California accent, deep blue eyes, and curves that. Excuse me sorry, carry on.
Parodygirl “Have you got just a little bit of room in that there jacuzzi for one more guys?”
Wayne/Chaffinch “Wait, page 102. It is page 102 and they just go ahead and introduce a new character into all of this out of the blue. They have got to be kidding us with that.”
Parodygirl “I’m sorry. I don’t understand what is going on right now. I hope I
haven’t said anything wrong.”
Dick/Parodyman “It’s not your fault. You are actually not in this one, but I think that I am right in saying that I believe you are going to be having a part in the sequel.”
Parodygirl : “Well, I guess for now then at least I will be making my way. I will see you later on then boys.”
Wayne/Chaffinch “Bye for now. Have a nice day miss. She sounds nice. Can’t wait to see her again.”
Parodygirl gives a seductive wink and blows a kiss to the camera, exits the shot closing the door behind her and we fade to black. What no. I can not believe she was in only one scene and a short one at that. Now I can not wait till the sequel. Get my agent on the line, someone. I have to be doing that, I will work for less money. No, forget I said that.
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Scene 36 : SUBURBS OF EMOHAM CITY
Parodyman is back dressed as Parodyman and Chaffinch is back again dressed
as Chaffinch, that’s so much less confusing don’t you think?
Parodyman and Chaffinch have been just dropped off by a taxi, another taxi driver than earlier on in this story. We could have shown you the scene, but it is really not necessary for the remainder of the story. We don’t need to show everything, there are no scenes of them laying down a log or anything like that, but we know they do that. Anyway back to the scene.
It is a normal street in a suburb on the outskirts of Emoham City, not the upper posh rich kind that we saw earlier on at Jack Off’s (remember him, still in prison by the way) mansion, but a more down to earth area of the outskirts. Parodyman and Chaffinch are making their way to the front door of one of the properties.
It’s a small detached one level abode with front and back garden, a garage to the side and ample space for parking. Chaffinch knocks on the door and shortly a youth of similar age to Dick Beigeson/Chaffinch answers the door. He is in a pair of faded jeans with no shoes, a white sleeveless T-shirt with a skull on the front. There are a number of tattoos on both arms, his hair is long blond and a little mated, he has a nose ring and is smoking a doobie. To skip the decision of what name to put up before the dialogue let’s just call him Brian.
Brian “Yeah.”
Parodyman “A good day to you young chap.” Brian “What you want old man?”
Parodyman “We were wondering if you could help us with some questions that we are asking in this neighbourhood.”
Brian “You a pig?”
Parodyman “No young man neither of us are police officers.”
Brian “Then what’s your biz here man?”
Parodyman “I am Parodyman and this is Chaffinch.”
Brian “Yeah. I heard about you guys, good call on The Master Of Douche-bag and all of that shit.”
Parodyman “Thank you.”
At this point, Parodyman pulls out a photograph of the Parodymobile and shows
it to Brian.
Parodyman “Now then, have you seen this vehicle?”
Brian takes a good look at the picture. Parodyman “Anything.”
Brian “I’m looking.” Parodyman “Take your time.”
Brian “I’m looking, I’m looking.” He looks again at the photograph.
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Brian “Nah man, never seen it.”
Chaffinch steps forward, but Parodyman holds him back. Parodyman slips on a pair of cool shades takes a step back looking around casually and has a little upbeat swagger to his voice now and a cheesy grin on his face.
Parodyman “Are you sure? Hey, dude take another quick look at the snap, jog
your memory a bit, you wanna take another look?”
Brian is a bit wary as he takes another look at the snapshot but shakes his head
yet again.
Brian “Never seen it before.”
Parodyman “Ok dude, no problem. Here let me leave my number. If at any
time you get a sudden recall of memory and remember anything that might be of
importance, give us a call.”
A piece of paper gets handed over from our hero to young Brian as Parodyman slips the shades off and he and Chaffinch make their leave walking off the property and start heading down the street away from the house.
Chaffinch “That’s bullshit man.” Parodyman “I know.”
Chaffinch “You know he’s got the Parodymobile?” Parodyman “Pretty much.”
Chaffinch “So, the plan is we do nothing.” Parodyman “Not exactly.”
The pair of cool shades that Parodyman was wearing before are held up for Chaffinch to examine.
Chaffinch “What is the plan and what have they got to do with it?” Parodyman “Parodyxrayshades. I saw through the garage doors. I saw a little
more inside the house also, but I have seen he has the Parodymobile for sure and it’s safe and in good condition. For how much longer depends on how we act upon this.”
Chaffinch “Haven’t you learned anything from the last few days. So we are doing nothing. We need to be getting in there, shaking him up a bit and kicking a little ass. Then we just bust his garage door down and take the Parodymobile back. What’s wrong with you man?”
Parodyman “Nothings wrong with me. I have a plan and it is as cunning as a
very cunning thing that is very cunning.”
Chaffinch “You so have a way with words man. What is it?”
Parodyman “First, we circle the block then make our way to over the street from the house we were just at. We seclude ourselves out of sight and we wait for a while.”
Chaffinch “Then what?”
Parodyman “Like you are always saying. Just flow with it dude, it will soon all connect.”
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One of those I got this covered look is given by Parodyman to Chaffinch. Parodyman and Chaffinch have done just as Parodyman suggested, they circled around the block then found themselves a spot secluded out of sight to wait. This they did, they waited and they waited till Brian left the house and took off for a ride on his hog. Later on that evening we see Brian return to his home parking up his hog and securing it inside of the garage. He has checked the Parodymobile is as it was before he left it and all seems to be good. Brian enters the house and we see around as he walks from one room to the next.
Brian “Hey ma, those two freaks that were here earlier, like did they come back
again?”
Brian gets himself a sandwich and a beer from the fridge.
Brian “If they or the pigs come around you know what to do ma.”
Brian has turned on the television set and is eating his sandwich and drinking his
beer with his feet up on the table.
Brian “We need some more beer ma, you going to the store? Get us some more
beer from the store when you are there.”
Brian is shaking his head to some rock n roll music on the screen.
Brian “Hey ma you here?”
There is no answer. Brian gets up, turns the television off, knocks back the beer
and is walking around the house.
We are inside his mother’s bedroom with the shot on the door. The door opens and we see Brian standing at the door looking in with a look of sheer shock, panic, disgust, and horror on his face.
The shot pans around to his mother’s bed. On the bed is his mother length ways totally stark naked on all fours. To her reverse end, Chaffinch is also stark naked apart from his mask and gloves on and he is taking Brian’s mum from behind doggy style with a big grin on his face. At her other end is Parodyman and he like the other two is completely stark naked apart from his cowl and gloves and he is receiving a quite pleasant and satisfactory blow job and hand relief from Brian’s mum, a content look is on his face.
Parodyman looks casually over to his left and seeing Brian with a cheesy grin on
his face holds up a photograph of the Parodymobile.
Parodyman “So, are you sure? Hey, dude, take another quick look at the snap,
jog your memory a bit, you wanna take another look?”
Parodyman and Chaffinch hold up a thumb each, high-five each other and give a
quick cheesy grin and wink towards the camera. An awesome ROCK song hits as we fade to black.
THE END?
(Breaking news. The Master Of Disguise and his butler escaped from prison!!!)
Page 105
EXCLUSIVE EXTRAS
Extended Portion Of Scene 13 : Page 36
Wayne Bruce “You will excuse me also Jim, I’m off to find Dick, I mean I’m off to look for Dick, I mean that is to say I need Dick, oh you know what I mean.”
Wayne Bruce walks off through the crowd of guests. James Gordonson stops a passing waiter and retrieves a bottle of Champagne from him.
James Gordonson “Got any of the good whiskey waiter? Be a good chap and run us over a bottle of the good expensive stuff, I’m off for a slash. I’ll be back here in five.”
Wayne Bruce has a wander around Mr. Jack Off’s lovely mansion looking for Dick. He has had a search in a number of different places around the building but has no luck in finding his companion at all. He has had a chat to a few of the waiters in attendance giving them his description but to no avail. He even tries
to find Alfredo Centworth to see if he has seen him but no luck. He returns to where he left Commissioner Gordonson before and finds him knocking back a bottle of expensive whiskey. Now there is an idea, maybe I could order a bottle and put it on the company account. There listening, ha-ha ha-ha just messing about I would not do that.
James Gordonson “Any luck finding in him?”
Wayne Bruce “No, no luck I am afraid James. I have looked for Dick on the
dance floor.”
James Gordonson “Yes.”
Wayne Bruce “I have gone ahead and searched for Dick upstairs.” James Gordonson “Right.”
Wayne Bruce “I have searched for Dick downstairs.” James Gordonson “I see.”
Wayne Bruce “I have even looked for Dick near the kitchens and in the bathrooms.”
James Gordonson “Indeed.” Wayne Bruce “ I have.”
James Gordonson “I think they get it now.” Wayne Bruce “Okey dokey James.”
James Gordonson “It looks like you have been looking for Dick in all the wrong places.”
Wayne Bruce “True.”
James Gordonson “Have you tried out in the gardens.”
James points to his left and Wayne follows his hand pointing outside towards the gardens.
Wayne Bruce “Why no.”
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Mr. Wayne Bruce walks away looking for Dick in the gardens.
James Gordonson “Right then, I’m horny as fuck so I’m off to find the Mrs. and shag her up the gazebo.”
James Gordonson stumbles off a little drunk looking for his seductive wife and no honest none of us believe he is fighting above his weight class on that one, honest wink wink.
EXTENDED PORTION OF Scene 35 : PAGE 102
(The end portion of the scene we took out because it looked like
we were plugging the merchandise too much then realized we
needed the cash so have put it back in)
Parodygirl : “Well I will see you later then boys.”
Wayne/Chaffinch “Bye for now.”
Parodygirl leaves and the two are alone again.
Dick/Parodyman “Maurey called back again about keeping us on as clients. It’s good to see him back on his feet after the trouble he had.”
Wayne Bruce/Chaffinch “Yes I gave him a call myself, also. Good to see his son Rubin back in the fold and helping him with the business. It seems like Maurey has a new lease on life again, he has that spark in his eye and a new drive to represent not only us but his other clients as well.”
Dick/Parodyman “That situation with the clown and the stripper get sorted in the end?”
Wayne/Chaffinch “Yes, all’s well that ends well with that. He and his son are calling around next week with the rough ideas for new merchandise.” Dick/Parodyman “Merchandise you say, do tell me more.” Wayne/Chaffinch “Well, we shall be pleased to launch shortly the PARODYMAN and CHAFFINCH merchandise that will be available in all good retail outlets.”
Dick/Parodyman “Such as?”
Wayne/Chaffinch “ People will soon be able to buy Parodyman & Chaffinch mugs, posters, calendars, underwear, signed baseball cards, fizzy drinks, D.I.Y home pregnancy tests, doggies hats, doorbells, condoms and, T-Shirts.” Dick/Parodyman “Available in all sizes and colours. They will be available in Blue, Black, Pink, Grey, Puce, Beige, White, Green, Red, Mint and Orange.” Wayne/Chaffinch “ There will also be for sale the Parodyman and Chaffinch lunch boxes, slippers, dressing gown/pyjamas combo, colouring books, limited edition tie, baseball caps, jigsaws, cigarette case, jumpers, bumper stickers, crystal glass, and decanter sets, drum sets and your favourite the Frisbee.” Dick/Parodyman “I can’t wait to toss your Frisbee around. That has to be it though, there can’t be more?”
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Wayne/Chaffinch “Actually yes there is. We will have the Parodyman &
Chaffinch air rifle, paint by numbers art series, Braille version of the book, clock, action figures, lifelike masks, pencil-cases, towel/flannel combo, very happy meal selections, and our own tie-in musical album to purchase.” Dick/Parodyman “Wow, now that is awesome.”
Wayne/Chaffinch “You said it, good buddy. All the nice children need to do is bug their parents long and hard enough day after day month after month to buy them all that and we will be very happy super-heroes.”
Dick/Parodyman “Radical.”
Wayne/Chaffinch “You can look out in your local stockist for more details on all of that (looking towards the camera) and remember no portion of the money raised will be going to charity so you can spend spend spend knowing that your money is only going to us. Thank you and goodnight.”
Dick/Parodyman “See you later folks and don’t forget to spend responsibly, or if not that just spend loads.”
ALTERNATE ENDINGS
Ending A)
Parodyman and Chaffinch rip away their jazz disguises as Alfredo Centworth is seen sidestepping towards the exit. Parodyman and Chaffinch are both in a fighting stance up on the stage.
Another Invited Female Guest “Oh they are so screwed.”
All of the henchmen now have their guns pointed towards Parodyman and Chaffinch up on the stage. The Master Of Disguise looks towards his henchmen and orders them to fire.
The Master Of Disguise “Fire.”
In almost slow motion we see the henchmen firing towards are heroes. There is a look of horror on all the guest’s faces as we see the duo being splattered with bullets. A jubilant almost orgasmic look is on the face of The Master Of Disguise as he flings his head back laughing. The gruesome scene is over in moments as the fallen duo lay dead on the stage. A piano piece starts to play in the background and a single white feather falls on to the body of Parodyman. We see The Master Of Disguise, butler and the henchmen collecting all the diamonds from the guests and make their exit through the foyer and out into the
streets of Emoham City. The doors to the building have been padlocked shut and some of the guests are seen trying to escape, but they are trapped. All of the bad guys escape in different vehicles and we see them again shortly at a safe
distance away from the club. Sirens are heard in the distance as The Master Of Disguise looks over the City.
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The Master Of Disguise “Pass me the device.”
The butler slowly and with some kind of suspense passes over a remote control device to his boss.
The Master Of Disguise “Bye Bye.”
He presses a button and we see in the distance the club and a surrounding area being levelled to the ground by a huge torrent of explosives and detonated devices till only the carnage of rubble is left standing.
The bad guys all get back into the vehicles and drive away. We see The Master Of Disguise’s limousine window open as it drives off as he throws the remote out of the window.
The scene fades to BLACK.
Bit bloody depressing an ending if you are asking me, you can see why we didn’t go with that ending, so.
Ending B)
Parodyman and Chaffinch rip away the jazz disguises as Alfredo Centworth is sidestepping towards the exit and are in a fighting stance up on the stage. Another Invited Female Guest “Oh they are so buggered.”
The henchmen have guns pointed towards Parodyman and Chaffinch up on the stage.
The Master Of Disguise “Prepare to meet your makers. Henchmen, FIRE.” At that moment, all the henchmen suddenly turn the guns towards The Master Of Disguise.
The Master Of Disguise “What is this, betrayed.”
The henchman that had earlier on given The Master Of Disguise his stick of rock steps forward.
Henchman/Undercover Cop “As it happens your henchmen are in fact all undercover police agents and we have been on to you from the very start. What you got to say about that then?”
The Master Of Disguise “You will all pay for this. I promise you or my name
isn’t The Master Of Disguise, I mean Mr. Jack Off, Oh, even I don’t know.” At that moment, the main doors open and a large number of police officers along with Commissioner Gordonson and a chap who is the spitting image of Chief O’Klahoma, but not him, rush in and start handcuffing the bad guys and taking them all away.
The rest of the story will be the same as from where we saw Jack Off/The
Master Of Disguise and his butler being handcuffed and taken away in the foyer, don’t think we need to repeat from there, now do we? No, I didn’t think so.
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Ending C)
Parodyman and Chaffinch rip away the jazz disguises as Alfredo Centworth is sidestepping towards the exit and are in a fighting stance on the stage. Another Invited Female Guest “Oh, they are in so much trouble right now.”
The henchmen have guns pointed towards Parodyman and Chaffinch up on the stage.
The Master Of Disguise “So, it is farewell, FIRE.”
The henchmen get set to fire but wait, what has happened here? All the guns jam
on them at the same time. What a bit of luck.
Parodyman “Right then Chaffinch, it’s time I do believe for us to kick a little bit
of bottom, my friend.”
Chaffinch “Oh yeah, you are right there, it’s clobbering time good buddy. A
little less of the bad fucking language though dude.”
The duo leap head first into a group of henchmen as the toffs all stand around sipping Champagne and watch the fight. Even though they are vastly outnumbered again by henchmen this time they seem to be beating the bad guys off very easily, how strange. One by one they topple over. Also going around the room we see Alfredo Centworth having a go by hitting the henchmen over their heads with an umbrella he seems to have obtained somewhere, we can confirm that it is not his, no special compartments in this one. Very soon all the henchmen are knocked out.
We can see that The Master Of Disguise has made a quick getaway with his butler and so Parodyman and Chaffinch run after the duo and catch up with them in the foyer.
From here the rest of the scene plays out as it did originally. But then you know all that by now, or you should.
Ending D)
Parodyman and Chaffinch rip away the jazz disguises as Alfredo Centworth is sidestepping towards the exit and are in a fighting stance up on the stage. Another Invited Female Guest “Oh they are in so much trouble.”
The henchmen have guns pointed towards the crime-fighting duo.
The Master Of Disguise “Time to say good night Parodyman and Chaffinch.” In slow motion, the henchmen fire towards our heroes. Looks of horror are on the guest’s faces as we see the duo being splattered with bullets. An orgasmic look is on the face of The Master Of Disguise as he flings his head back roaring with laughter. It is over in moments as the duo lay dead on the stage. A haunting piano piece plays in the background as a single white feather falls on to the body of Parodyman. Oh my.
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We see The Master Of Disguise, butler and the henchmen collecting the diamonds from the guests and make their exit through the foyer and into the street. The doors to the building have been padlocked and some of the guests can be seen trying to escape, but they are trapped. All of the bad guys have
escaped in different vehicles and we see them again at a safe distance away from the club. Sirens are heard as The Master Of Disguise looks calmly over the City stretched out before him.
The Master Of Disguise “Pass me over the device.”
The butler passes over a remote control device to his boss.
The Master Of Disguise “Goodbye fools.”
At the moment The Master Of Disguise presses down the remote control button,
nothing happens.
The Master Of Disguise “What is this, what is going on here?”
He tries pressing the button again and again, but nothing happens. As this is happening we can see Parodyman and Chaffinch leaping out of the boot of the limousine taking him and butler quite by surprise. Holding them both in choke holds they relieve them of their guns and ensure the henchmen dispose of their weapons to a safe distance.
The Master Of Disguise “But what is this, how are you guys still alive? You
should be well and truly dead.”
Parodyman “Quite simple really. You don’t think we would come out here tonight without first making sure we had the special bulletproof Parodyarmour on do you? We estimated that there quite possibly would be a situation here tonight where you would use force and carry out your evil intentions with the use of brute violence and weapons. Also for the theatrical effect, we had blood capsule vests on just in case we needed to we could distract your attention away from us. Then you could go ahead and concentrate on making your exit thinking that we were dead so we could give you a big surprise when you least expected it. So there, got you.”
The Master Of Disguise “Well, that sounds all very convenient and viable, but how did you know about the explosives that I had set up around the building? How did you find out about them, have time to secure them and get into the boot of my limousine?”
Chaffinch “Well, actually that wasn’t us. I think you just hired a shit electrician to do that work for you, bloody unions.”
Alfredo Centworth “Yes and I called the police, they will be here any moment.”
Everyone looks around to see that Alfredo Centworth is emerging from a bush. Not for the first time.
The Master Of Disguise “Ok, now hold it right there, what in the hell are you doing up here?”
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Alfredo Centworth “Oh this is a very popular dogging site. When I slipped out to make the phone call to get the police here I bumped into a friend of mine backstage and she and I ran on up here on her little two-seater. Thought we might as well leave you lot up to it and get a bit of action on. If you don’t mind we are off back to it then, good evening.”
Alfredo Centworth disappears back into the bushes just as the police arrive and handcuff and take away all the bad guys. You can follow the rest on as it was in the original ending.
Ending E)
Parodyman and Chaffinch rip away the jazz disguises as Alfredo Centworth is sidestepping towards the exit and are in fighting stance up on the stage. Another Invited Female Guest “Oh they are in so much doo-doo.”
The henchmen have guns pointed towards Parodyman and Chaffinch up on the stage. They look around to their boss and back again, but in this time we see that the two of them are running the fuck away and out of the nightclub. They can be seen running as fast as they can down the street of Emoham City and as far away as possible.
The next scene opens up on a beautiful sandy beach somewhere hot and
luxuriating. The beach is right on the ocean and the water is as clear as any
water can be. There is a small bar in the distance and a few ladies and gentlemen are sat at the bar, then around a pool even further off in the distance and walking up and down the beach. A few sun loungers are also set out and in two of them are a couple gentlemen in very short shorts. They have very bright Hawaii shirts on, dark sunglasses, straw hats on their heads and very long quite obviously
false beards. It is, in fact, Wayne Bruce and Dick Beigeson in bad disguises. Dick Beigeson “How long do you think we are going to have to stay out here then?”
Wayne Bruce “I don’t know. I think the people of Emoham City are still really
mad at us, well Parodyman and Chaffinch. Best be safe than sorry.”
Dick Beigeson “They would have done the same. We get a nice vacation also.” Wayne Bruce “I know, but we are supposed to be crime-fighters. We are supposed to stand up to the bad guys. We are supposed to fight crime and be strong. We are supposed to just stand there and get shot up like a pair of tarts it seems. The papers still say the police want us for questioning, so it looks like we are going to be here for a long time.”
A very smart looking dapper waiter walks up with a tray of big exotic flowery fruit drinks on it, it is, of course, Alfredo Centworth with a similar long false beard on him.
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Alfredo Centworth/Waiter “Drinks for you gentlemen.”
Wayne Bruce “Thank you.”
Alfredo Centworth turns around leaving them and passes by a woman in her late sixties wearing a really bad taste in floral clothing holding on to two bottles of gin in one hand and two sailors in the other. She also for some strange reason has a long false beard on. Yes, it is Mrs. Harrieta Dooper and she’s drunk.
Dick Beigeson “Might as well enjoy it while we can then and not even think about what happened back in Emoham City after we left. Yes, the bad guys won, got away with the diamonds, we got the fuck out of there, the police came after us, massive outcry. Oh well, only get us down. Cheers then, Wayne.” Wayne Bruce “Cheers Dick.”
Both clink glasses and lay back in the sun. We hear some Hawaiian music in the background and the scene slowly fades into the end.
Ending F)
You have read the book, so you have read ending F. Ending G)
Parodyman and Chaffinch rip away the jazz disguises as Alfredo Centworth is sidestepping towards the exit and are in a fighting stance up on the stage. Another Invited Female Guest “Oh they are so done for.”
The henchmen have guns pointed towards Parodyman and Chaffinch. There is a rumble and the floor starts to shake. From the side of the stage, we see Alfredo Centworth wearing a protective iron suit with a massive machine gun. We have no idea where from, but hey this is fiction, just roll with it.
The Master Of Disguise “What is everybody waiting for? Someone shoot at him, someone do something.”
No one does anything. Alfredo Centworth steps forward to address the crowd and something triggers off the gun’s mechanism and it suddenly starts firing enormous amounts of rounds off into the unsuspecting crowd, for a few minutes at least. Shots are fired all over the place as Alfredo Centworth is now a wiring dervish of a man, spraying shots all over the place. The device only stops when all the ammunition is used up. When the smoke clears all we have is Alfredo Centworth left standing alive with us. All the henchmen, DEAD. The guests, DEAD. Staff and acts around, DEAD. Master Of Disguise and butler, DEAD. Parodyman and Chaffinch, DEAD.
Alfredo Centworth “Oh fuck!!!!!”
The scene goes blank as some piano music starts to play over the credits.
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CAST
Parodyman/Wayne Bruce........................................................................Craig Ling Chaffinch/Dick Beigeson........................................................................Philip Atio Voice Over/Narrator..............................................................Christopher J Daniels Alfredo Centworth....................................................................................Jock Strap Harrieta Dooper...................................................................................Gloria String Commissioner Gordonson......................................................................Neil Down Chief O’Klahoma..............................................................................Robert E Socks Jack Off/The Master Of Disguise........................................................Harry Crotch John Butler...........................................................................................Rocky Roads Mrs. Gordonson.....................................................................................Gloria Hole Gordon Ross...............................................................................................Himself Jim Solie......................................................................................................Himself Marjory Flangeworthy............................................................................Rusty Nailz Detective Nonymous......................................................................Thomas E Gunn Mrs. Sharon Cummings..........................................................................Tess Match Parodygirl.........................................................................................Carolyn Singer Woman In Street...........................................................................Christine Mastre Bus Driver...............................................................................................Chuck Upp Other Chief O’Klahoma.........................................................Christopher Mascard Band Leader............................................................................................Pat O’Cake Bouncer..............................................................................................Bruce Careful Bouncer 2....................................................................................................Cliff Top Doris Off............................................................................................Dawn Serlylite Mr. Basil.................................................................................................Joseph Kerr Cab Driver....................................................................................Bernie O’Problem John Doe..........................................................................................Dwayne Fosters Hookers......................................................The Band ’The Fudge Monkeys In Drag Henchmen..................................................................Just People Hanging Around Sauna Extras..................................................................Crew Members In Disguise Psychiatrist/Waldo Peters...................................................................William S Hit Crowds....................................................................Crew Members With No Shame Maggie The Waitress...................................................................................Lee Ving Brian...................................................................................................William Ding Brian’s Mum...............................................................................................Lea King Staff Extras.................................................People We Found Just Walking Around Police Extras................................................................Prats In Very Silly Costumes Director..................................................................................Christopher J Daniels Mime.......................................................................................................Dick Chair Jazz In Your Face Extras......................................................................No Idea Sorry Jack Off’s Party Extras...............................................................Out Of Work Actors Man In Crowd 1.....................................................................................James Izzing Man In Crowd 2.............................................................................................Ray Dar
CREW
Director..................................................................................Christopher J Daniels Second Unit Director........................................................................Timothy O’ Tae Producer......................................................................................Ian Peter Freehley Executive Producer............................................................................Ivor Largewan Line Producer..............................................................................Nicholas Ersdown The Boy That Makes The Tea.....................................................................Jim Shoes Production Assistant...........................................................Philip Andrew Delphia Production Manager.............................................................................Franklin Off Assistant Production Manager............................................................Richard Sole Unit Manager.....................................................................................Philip Etsteak Catering By.........................................................................................Richard Head Production Coordinator........................................................Christopher P Noodle First Assistant Director..........................................................................Eileen Over Second Assistant Director.................................................................Michael Rotch Production Accountant...........................................................................Bob Down Some Geezer I Met In The Pub.....................................................................Jim Bag Location Manager.................................................................................Tipper Over Assistant Location Manager.................................................Hugh Gordon Rection Location Scout.........................................................................................Vin Driver Location Assistant................................................................................Doug Shovel Location Production Assistant....................................................Samantha E Davis Fluffer.........................................................................................Richard Largeshaft Stand By Fluffer..................................................................................................Bob Unit Publicist.......................................................................................Patricia Ness Legal Counsel.................................................(Name Withheld For Legal Reasons) Systems Administrator.....................................................William Edward Warmer Head Grip................................................................................................Jim Karner Lighting.........................................................................................Chris Peter Duck Director Of Photography.....................................................................Terrance Bag Camera Operator...................................................................Christopher J Daniels First Assistant Camera.........................................................................Paul I Staker Second Assistant Camera...................................................................Tom Rapdoor Script Supervisor...............................................Alfonso Ricardo Stefan Elahandro My Bookie...............................................................................................Dodgy Ken Casting Director.............................................................................Christopher Ock Film Loader............................................................................................Will E Heck Camera Production Assistant...............................................................Eileen Back Digital Imaging Technician........................................................................Kofi Pot Lighting Assistant.....................................................................Mr. B.L Owmedown Advisory To Camera Operator........................................................................Sue Mi Assistant Film Loader.................................................................................Sid Knee Gaffer.................................................................................................Bunty Slippers
Best Boy...........................................................................................Roberto T Bank Grip...................................................................Anyone Bored And Doing Nothing Key Grip............................................................................................Wendy Anchor Dolly Grip.............................................................................................Dixie Parton Art Director.............................................................................................Tina Strain Set Designer...................................................................Leo ′ The Hammer’ Carson Set Decorator.................................................................................Leo’s Brother Joe Graphic Artist........................................................................................Joseph King Head Carpenter............................................................................Holden McCrotch Key Scenic..........................................................................................Jimmy Widdle Props Master.......................................................................................Manfred Inge Dude That Leant The Cash For This.............................Tony’ Fingerbreaker’ Smith Construction Coordinator................................................................Francis U King Weapons Master.............................................................................Dirk Longsword Prop Maker............................................................................................Kevin Jones Costume Designer.............................................................Rob Terrance Petty-cash Key Make-Up Artist..................................................................................Rick Head Key Hair...............................................................................................Tamara Stain Hair Stylist..........................................................................................Randy Geezer Make-up Supervisor......................................................................Seymour Boobies Special Effects Supervisor........................................................What Special Effects Assistant Special Effects Supervisor................................................................Ditto Boom Operator.......................................Anyone Standing Around Doing Nothing Production Sound Mixer....................................................Pamela Nancy Utbutter Film Editor.............................................................................Christopher J Daniels Negative Cutter.........................................................................................Juan King Foley Artist............................................................................................C.M Staines
PARODYMAN
The Case Of The Master Of Disguise
The Album
Featuring
Parodyman - But I’m Parodyman
Chaffinch - A Fucking Hat
Parodyman & Chaffinch - Theme From Parodyman
Commissioner Gordonson - Kit Kat’s Her Name
Chief O’Klahoma - Irish Thug 4 Life
Alfredo Centworth Centworth - Got Me Some Hookers
The Master Of Disguise - I’m A Vicious Bastard
Gordonson & O’Klahoma - The Emoham City Blues
Harrieta Dooper - Gin ‘n’ Sailors Wayne Bruce - Billionaire Boogie
Dick Beigeson - Nobody Knows Who I Am
Jack Off And The Fudge Monkeys - Jack Off Rap
The Butler - What’s My Name?
The Jack Off Butler Experience - Diamonds Bitches’
Marjory Flangeworthy - Party Like A Rock-star
Mrs. Gordonson - Doing It For The Money
Dooper/Flangeworthy/Gordonson Trio - Sisters With Attitude
Gordon Ross & Jim Solie - The Wrasslin’ Funk
AND MANY MORE
Now available in all good record stores.
