Reality Check

It wasn't my fault.

I've come to realise that. There are so many things that I have held myself solely accountable for when ... they weren't my fault.

But ... then I look back at the phone that's held in front of my face. My friend jabbering on about how awful it is, how the world has changed. While I sit there, frozen, staring at the picture. The picture states back. Unlike movies none of that stuff happens where it reaches out to grab me, instead it stares. Taunting me with its knowledge.

The secrets it threatens to spill.

The air gets stuck in the back of my throat and my clothes suddenly feel to tight. As if they are squeezing every last breath out of me. I grow hot and my cheeks are on fire, the heat seems to pulsating away from my body. There's a pit of doubt, worry and anxiety growing, threatening to swallow me. It's gargantuas size is revolting and it only gets larger as it devours more of my happiness, spiting it back or at me as toxic ideas that threaten to send me spiralling down the rabbit hole. My eyes burn with tears that threaten to spill.

All of this caos and to my friend, I'm smiling, I'm nodding along, I look a little worried at her comments and I laugh at others.

I mean what could I say.

This was supposed to be a fresh start and here it is sitting in front of my face. My name and face may have been edited out but I still worry that they'll work it out. They can't possibly, right?

Anxiety eats away inside of me as I remain frozen. It's all going to happen again.