First Step: Acceptance
No matter how well you know, Luciano, he will always be a jerk.
Underneath his tough hardshell remains the same sharp-tongued know-it-all. Probably even worse than his shell because he likes you now to not be too polite.
Which is why Jared’s friends thought he was insane or a masochist when he admitted that he liked Luciano. His friends supported him, they couldn’t give two shits if he liked a man, they were just hoping it was one with decency.
Even Jared questioned himself when he realised he liked Luciano. Though he was the closest person to Luciano, something Luciano himself wouldn’t admit, it didn’t change what kind of person he was.
With a big brain sometimes comes with a big head and even more unfortunate for Jared, it fitted his well-sculpted face just fine. That was just a smoke and mirror. People meet Luciano, expecting great things but soon see him for the pompous asshole that he really was.
Due to his upbringing, Luciano grew up believing he was better than most. (He was, but come on man be humble once in a while.) He was bred into the place as heir of his father’s company. He was trained to be smart and have a way with words. Whether the way was persuasion, manipulation or sweet talk, it didn’t matter cause he was good at them all.
The two crossed paths at University. Luciano majored in business, as did Jared. The two were assigned to a project in a large group and were close ever since something special brought them together. It also made him Luciano’s only real friend since everyone else usually brought up his family or company. Those conversations never lasted long since Luciano usually cut them off or walked off, pulling Jared by his sleeve.
‘Like a bratty child,’ Jared thought, holding in a snicker. A strange smile must have still spread across his lips because Luciano had caught his eyes and whispered a fairly defensive ‘what?’
Shaking his head, he would assure him it was nothing as Luciano lead them to their little spot in the library, hidden in a corner.
It was a small nook, in between a section the librarian never went since it was empty. There weren’t so many books that it stretched that far. Luciano claimed it as his own, stealing books and hiding them there. After a while, he invited Jared along.
Jared looked down at his book avoiding his friend’s questioning eyes. He had an exam to prepare for, both of them did. He didn’t have time to overthink about their non-existent love connection.
Still, Jared glanced up at Luciano. Dark brown eyes quickly scanning over the script, wintery blonde hair pushed away from his forehead in a swept-back quiff. Jared forgot how attractive the man was. The spot he was sitting at was against a window and the day was nearing its end. The light of golden hour lit half his face in gold that also flexed in his iris.
There truly was no reason for Jared to like him.
‘Perhaps it was a physical thing.’ Jared thought, leaning against his palm. As mentioned before, Luciano was a fairly attractive man. His jawline was sharp, face free from blemishes and he was fairly fit as well.
Maybe that was the case then.. but looks didn’t mean anything. ′Think about him differently then. His good looks are just a mask.′ Jared thought eyes slipping shut. He imagined Luciano with blemishes all over his face, blackheads and moles scattered about unattractively. He imagined him with his hair messy, untamed and wild.
Even as he thought of him like that, hideous and far from the well-kept man in front of him, his heart seemed to jump. Fantasy driven thoughts protruded his reason. ‘Knowing that he trusts me enough to let his guard around me enough to let me see him in that state that he shows no one makes me--’
Jared pulled himself from that thought, feeling his skin go cold at the thought. Luciano looked up again, setting his book against his lap. “What is it?” He asked looking exasperated.
“Nothing,” Jared told him quickly, looking back at his textbook. Ah yes...mortgages. Luciano, not believing him but too busy to care, rolled his eyes and brought the book back up to his face.
Once his gaze was back on his book, Jared’s returned on Luciano’s face.
’Okay fine then,′ Jared decided, determination taking over his good judgement to make a smart decision and to continue studying. ‘Big deal, looks don’t mean shit. Whether he’s ugly or not, I’m not shallow.’
Well if looks didn’t mean anything, then let’s think about his good qualities. He was wealthy, an eloquent speaker and an extremely good sweet talker. Jared smirked behind his book. But that meant nothing! Underneath it was a simple facade!
Big deal he was wealthy, but the fool has no impulse control with it when it comes to spending things. Especially on Jared.
Finding the thought contradictory, Jared blinked surprised. ‘Ah, no. Well, he’s not a that much of an eloquent speaker in front of him. All those long words and extended vocabulary always disintegrate in front of him. Like he has nothing to..h-hide..’
Jared could feel the quickening of his heartbeat as the thought seemed to continuously swarm in his mind.
Frustrated, Luciano looked up, wrinkles creasing against his forehead. “I swear, I can feel your eyes on me. What is it?”
“Telling you, man. It’s nothing.”
“Why are you staring then?”
“I’m not.”
Luciano sighed again, shutting the book, losing the page. ‘Ah, shit. Now I’ve done it.’ Jared thought, eyes desperately glancing back and forth against the page trying to look busy. Instead of snapping at him, as Jared thought, Luciano scooted closer and dropped his head in Jared’s lap.
Of course, this wasn’t the first time this had happened. They were fairly close, but with such thoughts in Jared’s mind made this...weird. Even so, Jared shifted his book away from his face to look down at Luciano, who was staring back up at Jared.
It was then that Jared saw the lines that were around his eyes, the gorgeous brown eyes held deep exhaustion. Forehead still creased and eyes distant as if battling an inner conflict. How did Jared not see it before?
Setting the book aside, Jared watched him concerned. “What is it?”
Luciano let out a laugh, soft and fleeting. He glanced towards the window, a tight smile that didn’t wrinkle at his eyes forced itself on his face.
“Unlike you, I’ll say the truth,” Luciano said, glancing back at Jared to see if he was smiling too. His lip twitched when he wasn’t. Jared was way too concerned to find it funny. “Those people. You, know, the ones we were talking to before.” Jared barely remembered what they were talking about, but nodded, urging him to continue.
When Luciano gets like this, serious he means, it’s hard for him to speak. Unlike times where he was bitching about someone, the words, whether they were appropriate or not, came easily. Way too fast for Jared to understand, but Luciano got it out of his systems.
Times like these, on the other hand, Luciano paused, eyes darting between Jared and something else. He’d winced as if the subject was painful for him.
“They were...talking about..marriage.” Jared’s eyebrow quirked, the subject not ringing a bell but to show that he was listening nodded again. “And, the night before...Maya dumped my ass.”
Luciano’s smile pulled tighter at the name, Jared remaining unresponsive.
He wasn’t finished.
Even when the silence stretched on, Jared didn’t speak. Speaking would ruin his train of thought which gave Luciano leeway to get out of the conversation.
Inhaling and exhaling Luciano looked back at him. “I’m never getting married. Everyone likes me because I’m rich and honestly I don’t blame them but--” He scoffed, “I’m fucking amazing behind all that bullshit. Yeah, I’m a piece of shit, but I’m a golden piece of shit.” Luciano’s smile, fell, fist clenching and unclenching as he glared out the window.
Tears brimmed at the man’s eyes, painted gold in the light of the window. “I’m fucking amazing. I gotta be. You like me after all and you’re amazing.” Jared’s bit the inside of his cheek as Luciano’s eyes trailed to him. Luciano obviously had no clue of Jared’s true feelings but hearing him say such a thing...
“You don’t like because of my money, right?” Luciano’s voice went hushed, cracking at the last word. “You like me because I’m an amazing fucking person. You like me because behind all this you see someone else other than the CEO of a damn company right?”
There were tears rolling down his face, eyebrows furrowed and teeth grit. “Of course I do, you stale coffee bean,” Jared told him firmly. “I like you because you make me happy, despite the bullshit you say and do.” Clasping his hands against Luciano’s cheeks, Jared had to hold himself in place, in fear he’d do something stupid. “You are an amazing person.”
Luciano’s Adam’s apple bobbed, sniffling before wiping his tears with his sleeve. “Careful of the shit you say, gonna sound gay.”
This time Jared snorted, letting go of his face to reach over for his book. Luciano got up, scooting back to his part of the corner, a small smile on his face.
Jared clenched the book in his hands.
‘Fuck!’ he thought in frustration wanting to pull his hair out from the failed experiment.
Jared liked him.
He liked him so much.
Because despite the shit he does, despite the shit he says he cares.
Luciano actually gives a shit about him.
He gives so many shits that it makes Jared happy.
Made Jared happy for so long that it developed into something he could never have.
