Behind the Hoodie

I woke up to my dad yelling at me from downstairs, telling me to get my ‘scrawny ass out of bed’ and make his breakfast. Terrified of getting another punishment, I get out of bed, but not without crying out in pain. My dad cut another tally mark in my stomach. It’s been a few years since the first time, but I can still remember it vividly.

• • •Flashback• • •

“You stupid whore,” he yelled in my face and pinned me against the wall.

“I’m so-orry d-addy,” I cry out, and soon felt a sting on my face and I fell to the floor still crying.

“Don’t fucking call me that,” he yelled then picked me up by my hair and pinned me against the wall again. I felt his hand go around my small neck, as he started choking me. He put his other hand in his pocket to look for something, I couldn’t see what it was until he lifted it up to show me.

“N-No ple-ase don’t d-o this I’m sorry,” I begged.

“You shouldn’t have broken the plate. I’m tired of punishing you and you not fucking listening to me, so hopefully this will help,” he said as he lift the pocket knife to my stomach and chuckled, “The best part about this is that if you find a guy stupid enough to put up with your bullshit and would want to look at you. Trust me when I say they would have to be really fucking stupid to ever want you, but if by some miracle you do, he will automatically throw you away when he sees all of the marks on your body.”

And that’s when he cut a line down my stomach. When I fell to the floor in pain he just laughed.

• • •End of the Flashback• • •

I still remember every detail, like the alcohol in his breath, my ten year old body screaming and trying to pull away, me begging and pleading for him to stop, him laughing, and making fun of me. I don’t know what I ever did to him. I’ve tried asking, but he just punished me for being ‘disrespectful’.

My thoughts were cut off when I felt something drip down my stomach. I lifted my shirt and saw that the bandage I had put on last night was saturated in my blood. I knew my dad would be livid if I got my blood all over the floor, so I quickly ran to the bathroom almost slipping on one of my dad’s empty beer bottles.

I looked under the sink for the first-aid kit, but it was hard because of the lights in the house being so dim. After a few minutes of feeling around, I finally found the handle and put it on the sink.

I took off my shirt and then the bandage, but regretted it right after. The cut started bleeding worse. I started freaking out because I knew toilet paper wasn’t going to stop the bleeding. I don’t know why, but every time I’m being rushed I start feeling nauseous. Feeling overwhelmed, I grab the towel closest to me and put pressure on it.

After a few minutes, I took the towel off my stomach, but it was still bleeding. I groan and decide to bandage it and take the rest of the bandage to school with me.

I run to my room and go to my almost completely empty closet, and the only things that were in there were my mom’s clothes, which I never wore, my hoodie, and the jeans I’ve had since I was in fifth grade but I’m not complaining at least I have some.

I quickly get my hoodie and jeans out and put them on. There are two reasons why I the hoodie. The first reason is that my body is disgusting and I want to hide it as much as possible, and the second reason is that I don’t want to protect my dad from getting in trouble.

It’s not that I don’t want him to get in trouble, it’s the fact that I’m ashamed of them. They show how many times I was a bad daughter, a bad person. I don’t want to give everyone at school another reason to hate me.

I am snapped out of my thoughts when I hear heavy stomping coming up the stairs, and my door slamming open and my dad stomping over to me.

“What the hell, whore? What happened to ’get your ass downstairs and make my breakfast?” he screamed in my face and smacked me in the face. My face was burning and my eyes were filling with tears.

“I-I’m so-rry dad,” I cried out, and that’s when I realized my mistake.

“How many times do I have to tell you? Don’t call me that?” He pulled me up off the floor by my hair and pinned me up against the wall choking me. I could feel my eyes watering and I soon saw black dot clouding my vision. I kept clawing at his hands. I could feel my body slowly become numb, and for a moment I was welcoming the darkness, but he punched me in the face and let go of my throat. I coughed for a minute or two.

“Do you s-still wa-nt me to m-make food for y-you, sir,” I ask coughing the whole time.

“No, just get the hell out of my house. I don’t want you coughing all over my food.”

“I’m sorry, sir. I’ll do better next time,” I say as I get my stuff and start walking out of the house.

“You better,” I hear him mumble as I step outside. I pull the hood up to cover my face, and I start on my way to school, looking down the whole time.

• • •

I finally arrive at the school, my feet are throbbing three-mile walk to school. I walk into school keeping my head down to hide as much as possible but like always it didn’t work because I’m almost immediately pushed against the wall. My side starts hurting so I wince.

“What’s wrong fat ass? Eat too much last night?” William Barnett asked me. He is my biggest bully and the ‘hottest guy in school’. I actually didn’t eat last night or most nights because we don’t have enough food for both my dad and me to eat. But because I don’t want to get beaten more than I already do, I let him have it and hope I get the scraps. You don’t need it. You know he is right. You’re such a fat ass.

I am snapped out of my dark thoughts when I feel my hood being pulled off my head. I smacked his hand away earning a punch in the stomach, hurting my already cut skin. I don’t know why I did it. I don’t know what I expected to happen. Of course, he was going to punch me. I just kept my head down and forced the tears down.

“Don’t worry about it, Will. You know why she always hides her face,” Gavin said. Gavin Giles is William’s best friend.

“And why is that,” William says while grinning. He obviously knew he just wanted to rub what I already knew in my face.

“Because she is an ugly whore. She probably doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s eyes,” why does everyone call me a whore? I mean no one has ever even looked at me like that. They always see me as the weirdo who sits at the back of the class. I didn’t realize it but some time in the middle of this I started to let some tears fall down my cheeks and let out a cry, and of course, it got Gavin’s attention, “Look at her she is such a fucking crybaby.”

The two-minute warning bell went off and before they walked off they pushed me against the wall again. When they left I just fell on the floor. I put my head in my knees and I cried. I cried for what felt like forever but was only about five minutes. And the same thought kept repeating in my head.

God, I’m tired of this.