I Found

Emmersyn

I have been staring at my ceiling for the last 10 minutes. The whole night I have been shifting back and forth, trying to get some sleep but my mind is restless. Feeling frustrated, I get up to check the time and it’s only 5.30 am. This is just great.

I have two hours left before I need to get ready for my big day. I might as well just start right now since I can’t even have my beauty sleep, thanks to my restless mind.

I turn on the lamp at my desk. I try to be as quiet as possible since everyone else is still asleep. I don’t want to risk myself at getting killed by my family if God forbid their sleep is disturbed. I got up and took my time tugging the bedsheets against the headboard, arranging the pillows and folding the blankets. After everything is nicely tugged and folded, I walked over to the corner side of my bedroom window seat and just sat there.

I let out a heavy sigh. My mind wanders off to all the crazy things that happen in these past few months. Just thinking how fast the time went by and now I’ll be saying goodbye to my home and hello college life. I am feeling super anxious and happy at the same time.

I spent most of my time in high school planning and preparing for this moment. All those sleepless nights I spent studying, taking AP classes, meeting and asking advice with the school counselor just so I can write an exceptional essay for my college applications to make sure I will get accepted with the hope I’d be offered a full-ride scholarship to my chosen college.

So while my high school peers are out partying and making out, I would stay home and study for upcoming exams. I used to be the most popular girl in school. Everyone wants to be my friends. But all of that changes in a snap. In the last few months before graduation, my so-called friends show me the true colors, that they are nothing more than two face backstabbing snakes. As for my douchebag of a boyfriend, he only dates me cause he wants to score.

Since then, I thought to myself if I want to turn my life around I need to make major changes in my social life. I decided to cut loose with my fake friends and ass of a boyfriend and just focus on school. I promise myself I will only find a boyfriend who is worth my time and attention and preferably after college because boys and the school don’t end well. I never gave that much thought of being in a relationship. The only reason I ever consider dating is because of how my friends love to pressure me into it. I think the only time I ever really liked a boy was in kindergarten. He was always brooding and a pain in my ass. But sometimes he is kind to me. He always defends me by other bullies in pre-school. He once told me that it can only be one person who can bully me and that’s him. I thought he was just making a joke about it but boy how I was wrong. I guess his kindness and his brooding face makes me like him. But one day out of the blue his family decided to move away and that’s the last time I see him. I wonder how he looks right now.

Despite all of the drama shit I faced in school, my hard work is finally paid off. I applied to the college I really wanted to go and received a letter from them weeks later. I remember opening up the letter with my mum and two brothers, my mum can’t stop praying while my brothers have their fingers crossed hoping it was good news.

I remember reading the lines out loud saying, “Dear Ms. Collins, Congratulations! On behalf of the Washington State University community, we are pleased to announce your admission for fall 2018 with a full scholarship.” As I was reading the letter, my tears can’t stop flowing and I jumping up and down with my family. I and my mom were in a crying mess after reading it, she can’t stop kissing my cheeks and hug me. My brothers hugged me and congratulate me.

That same night, they bring me out dinner to celebrate my achievements. Words can’t express the happiness I’m feeling inside. But at the same time, I can’t stop feeling anxious about leaving college. Because it’s always be been my mom, my two brothers and me.

Growing up I don’t have that many memories of my dad other than the fact that he walked out of our lives when we still very little.

I remember this one time when we’re little me and my younger brother asks my mum, “Is daddy coming home anytime soon mommy?” “We miss daddy so much.” I still remember vividly my mum face expression when we ask her that.

She lightly caressed me and my little brother faces and said to us, “From now on, mommy is your mommy and also your daddy. I will be your Superman when you’re in trouble and your Wonder Woman when you need a shoulder a cry on or a hug.” “No matter what happens, remember mommy will never leave you. We will always have each other, just the four of us. You three are my life, the air I breathe, the reasons why I fight and work hard every day just so I can put a smile on your faces.” “Mommy loves all three of you so much.” Ever since then, we never talked or asked about our dad anymore. As if he cease to exists in our lives. Truthfully, we do assume he never exists anymore because he never once bothers to come to find us and explain to us his sudden disappearances.

I guess my dad's absence in my life plays a huge part in becoming the person I am today. Because of him, I grew up to be a rebellious child and hate just mostly everything. I always go against my mum's words and just act bitter the whole time. I envy seeing people still have their dad around and care for them. Whenever I feel like crying or just pure anger, I would just pour it all out in my sketchbook. I will just keep sketching until I grew tired. I eventually move on from that dark phases of my life. I no longer yelling and go against my mum, maybe just sometimes when we don’t see eye to eye on things, but other than that I changed.

To be continued...