A Jaded Heart

Losing you was like a living nightmare. I went to bed thinking, dreaming, of all the things we would talk about the next day, but, yet I woke up to the news of never being able to talk to you again. The news came in the middle of the night and will forever impact my life.

It was the month of October. The leaves were changing from a faded yellow to a deep orange. The air was becoming light and crisp. Football season was in its prime time. Day after day, we went through our normal routine: meet in the courtyard and then class and then lunch and then more classes until the school day was complete. We were always together, and everyone expected us to be. Midway through the month, we celebrated my birthday. The party was a surprise to me, but you knew about it the whole time. My family was so pleased to meet you, and I was so excited to have a friend who would brave the craziness of my family for me. Right before you left, you gave me a gift. I eagerly opened the box to find a jade necklace wrapped perfectly in tissue paper. The necklace had a dainty gold chain and a heart-shaped jewel. The heart on the necklace was gorgeous, but the heart of the girl who gave it to me was what made the gift so special. The following week of school was like any other. Everything was as it should’ve been and our daily routine remained the same.

The next Monday brought a different story. You seemed fine and said you were fine, but then again, maybe I just missed all the signs. After lunch, our afternoon of classes continued in their typical melancholy way. As the last bell rang, we hurried to get our stuff together. While we walked to the parking lot, we talked about how the day seemed to drag on. You told me that you’d see me the next morning. I don’t think you were lying to me; I think you thought you would be there too.

As I went to bed on that Monday night, the 24th of October, something was pulling at my heart. I didn’t know what it was, but I closed my eyes and forced myself into a restless sleep.

Moments later, my mom ran into my room. Something was wrong.

“Marie, baby you need to wake up,” she said with a look of terror in her eyes.

In that small amount of time, everything seemed to drag on in slow motion. Every little detail now has a foggy filter over it. Earlier that night, you decided to leave this world. Looking back, I’m not sure what I was feeling at that moment. I think the shock of your death was slowly beginning to sink in. I was in pure denial and nothing could get me from that place. I remember sobbing all night while my parents held me tightly.

The details continued to rush through and fill my mind. They said that you got into an argument with your dad. You got his shotgun, and before anyone knew it, you were gone. You took your father’s gun and shot yourself, and no one ever saw it coming. My jewel of a friend, our precious Jade, gone in the blink of an eye.

So many things happened in the days that followed. The news reporters flooded the school, rumors about your death filled the hallways, and I found myself lost in the chaos. Although your funeral was a blur of emotions, one specific thing stood out to me: the flowers on your casket. They were bright, happy, and beautiful, just like you. Their purplish hue made the jaded room seem much more alive. It was like your presence was there with us.

Jade, if you were still here, there is so much that I would tell you.

We have all changed so much since you left, some of us for the good and some of us for the bad. If you could see some of the choices we have made and the drama we have had, then you would be so mad, but one thing we can all agree on is how much you’re missed. We all have things that we do in memory of you. Katie wears your ribbon on her cheer shoes, so she has you with her at every game. Others have your name tattooed as a visible reminder to be more like you. I keep you as my lockscreen to remind me of the days we spent together.

I want you to know that I am not mad at you. I could never be mad at you. I just wish that I could have one more conversation with you, one more ride with you, one hundred more pictures with you, one more hug from you, and one more chance to tell you how much I love you.

The day you left us, you took a piece of our hearts with you. Luckily, I still carry a piece of you with me. Everytime I look down and see my necklace, I think about how you are protecting me and watching over me.