Dating Miss Depression

I admit that I have always had an eventful life. I had an exciting youth (read ‘challenging’ for my parents), and my adult life in comparison was rather lackluster, though I am sure many would beg to differ.

I led a pretty vagrant life in Mumbai up until around 2007. I did many odd jobs including working as a driver for a Sindhi family, as a porter in a parcel service and many such roles. But my success even then, lay in the simple fact that I had learnt to live a frugal life. With all the different jobs I did, I saved enough money to buy a gold chain. You might wonder… why gold? At the time, I bought it with the sole intention of an investment, reasoning that I could pawn or sell it if my finances continued its descent. My only assets then were my willpower and that singular friend who steadfastly stood by me, through thick and thin. Anyhow, I never had to sell the chain and not just that, over the years, I successfully bought many more. Several years had passed since this desperate phase in my life and suffice to say I was living the life of my dreams. I was blessed with a very supportive family, good health and most of all, money.

With every new investment and property, I acquired, my mother would ask, ’What’s the point of making all this money, Praveen? At the end of the day, it’s just a piece of paper.’

And I always smiled hearing her. Yes, it was just a piece of paper but a piece of paper that had never seen a dustbin in its lifetime. I would sometimes think about drawing her attention to this myth - and then decide against it and continue to keep my disagreement to myself. Few people in this world will truly love you for what you are. She loved me in my most pathetic phase and poverty and now she loved me despite my wealth. On no occasion did I consciously want to win an argument with her.

When I lay back and contemplate on my life, it was a rollercoaster ride, with many ups and downs, full of exhilarating twists and turns and frightening surprises but then again it was an entertaining ride…a very entertaining one in fact. I was a 31-year-old who had no qualms about his future. I could proudly say that if I decided to do nothing and sit idle from today, I could continue to live in the same lifestyle for the next 80 years. Yes, I was truly blessed.

’Then why haven’t you changed for good?’ might be your next question.

Toput it simply, this isn’t a movie where the hero meets his soul mate and lives happily everafter; or becomes a millionaire by the end of an idealistic song. Life is like the beads on a rosary…each one linked to the next…every wild, blissful, inconsequential event linked by the string called Time. I have always felt that we live our lives in absolute honesty to ourselves in secret, but it’s always told as a lie. We share what we deem fit to be shared…bits and pieces of information sprinkled across day and night. But the rest we keep to ourselves, for safe keeping. Some of my stories too will always be kept safe, tucked away in the cobwebs of my memory. Some chapters in my life that I would never want to write about, think about and lament over…things that I have done without any rational ground while steeped in youthful aggression and bullishness. Perhaps that could be why, every so often, I felt burdened by the anguish and curse of people who I might have had an inadvertent effect on, but never met in the flesh. Nevertheless, my regrets are few…very few. You take what is given to you and make the most of it and move forward, never losing hope. A couple of days back, when I met an old friend of mine, I told him ‘I was recently diagnosed with a tumor in my stomach. The doctor was concerned that it looked cancerous and I did preliminary tests including a biopsy. Anyway, the tests were negative and there is no trace of the tumor now.’

My friend laughed and said ’You really think any tumor or cancer can actually get the better of you? Yes, anyone can fall sick. But you, my friend, are not someone that even fate would want to compete with.’ Essentially, that’s the truth. My body might surrender but my spirit will always remain a tenacious fighter till the end.

Like a narcissist, I revel in the adulation that come my way. So, I rather enjoyed his comment. When we were ready to leave, I saw him look me over and smile. When I questioned him about it, he chuckled and said, ‘I have known you for 8 years. In all this time, I’m still in awe of who you are. Sometimes you are as saintly as SriRam and sometimes even more malefic than Ravan himself.’

What could I possibly tell him other than the candid fact that - this was Me…this is just how I was. So, let me continue to subsist in this chasm…unconflicted about my image, enjoying my vanity and hedonism and come what may, endure it with a smile. That’s been my norm, my way of life and will continue to be, forever and a day.