What is your opinion?
So true
"You have described what so many young men and women have to face when they return from combat zones. Those who went there never return the same. Fireworks are to celebrate many happy and often not so happy events. Bombs, IED's and land mines kill but more often than not destroy the minds of those who are doing their duty. The average age of those in Vietnam was nineteen and it took years for them to be recognised. A well written descriptive piece that bridges the noise of war and happier times. This should be published on the front page of every national paper."
An Interesting Emotional Story
"This is interesting. I have to admit that the summary grabbed me. I realized this was a story about PTSD when I read the opening parts, before you introduced the characters, and I could already imagine the pain. I have to admit that your summary was what led me here. I liked your way of writing, with one word per sentence. I think it is great to describe the feelings, but not for the entire story. I sometimes got lost just because I didn't know whose thoughts those words were. I had to read this twice to really get the emotions. But I don't regret it :) You wrote honestly and the feelings felt real. I do think that you should write the actions in common way and the emotions felt by the characters this way (I mean, it wouldn't hurt if you mixed them), but I like your story in general. Oh, well, I know this is not really helping, but I just want to let you know what I think :) Regards, Kei Angelus"
Well Done!!
"I enjoyed this very much!! You described their nightmare of war vividly - the heartache here was palpable. Your depiction of Sammie - his good heart; his love of family; and his strength of character was described beautifully. That you described their anguish; and memories of war with the back drop of celebration brought a tear to my eye. Thanks for sharing this!"
Incredibly passionate, but lacking formally.
"Anno Domini, Thank you for the opportunity to read such an intensely personal piece. I definitely get the sense that you or someone close to you has dealt with PTSD in a way that has left a lasting impression. And while PTSD as a human experience is naturally a worthy topic for a short story, you need to help orient your readers with specific details about the characters, setting and backstory before it can have any emotional impact on us. As of right now all we can determine is that Sam (I think, it was difficult to follow who was who and what they were doing) is with his dad and uncle while a fireworks display is going on, which triggers his PTSD from a difficult military campaign. But take some time to clue your readers in on where they are specifically? Why are these characters together at the moment? What's the occasion for the fireworks? As you establish their current circumstances you can flesh out who these characters are as individuals through their interactions. I want to relate to these characters who are precious enough to you that you labored over telling their story, but I need to know who they are and what they want in order to experience that. Once you've oriented your readers in the story's present, you may want to take some time to give us some exposition through a flash back or dialogue. Perhaps these three men have gotten together at a cafe in a quiet corner of the city away from the fireworks displays to celebrate Sam's safe return from the war. As they toast him, kids from a neighborhood nearby light some firecrackers in the street and run around screaming as they go off. Our protagonist sees this and suddenly he's back in the war children fleeing machine gun fire. Maybe he runs and tackles one of the children in an attempt to protect him from the 'gunfire,' and instead injures him. This, in turn reminds him of the kid back during the war he failed to save... I'm just making things up off the top of my head, but maybe you get my point? Every great story is a chronicle of the character pursuing a dream (for Sam that dream mat be as simple as living a 'normal' life) or fleeing a dread--the horrors of his past in the war. And, of course, the best stories will incorporate both of these poles of this motivational continuum. Right now all we know is what he dreads, and you've done a pretty good job of forcing him to confront it, but what does he dream of? What is he actively seeking? I think figuring that out might help you recenter your focus for the rest of the story. It's great that you are experimenting with style and syntax but you want to be very careful about where and how often you use those short fragmented sentences. If used sparingly in carefully chosen parts of the story, those fragments can add incredible emotional flavoring to your story. However, continuing the seasoning metaphor: imagine those sentence fragments and other such formal experimentation as salt: a little will bring out the flavors that are already there. Add too much and all you can taste is salt. So, maybe go easy on the salt? :) Anyway, I hope I was able to give you some insights and a fresh perspective as you approach this story for revision. You've chosen a difficult but important subject to tackle. I'm confident you will make your characters seen and heard! Keep going! Hugh G. Callaway"
Should be Poetry
"I like the intensity of the conflict that you tackled--that being PTSD--but the way you wrote it sounds like the muse was telling you poetry and you were trying to write a story instead, and the two did not mix well together. Rather than reading like a story, it's a jumble of words that make no impression on the reader due to their placement, repetitive nature, and lack of ability to bring out the character. I can't keep track of what is going on--at all--and while one may make the excuse of that's how it feels to have PTSD, the talent in writing is writing a story that makes people feel and understand what it likes to have PTSD, rather than showing it. As to the writing style, it is extremely passive and, although a lot of descriptive words are used, very tell rather than show. If you would get a handle on using the active voice, that will naturally make it easier for you to show rather than tell. Passive voice includes sentences where the subject is being acted upon and often uses words such as: were, was, and 'ing' verbs. As to the telling not showing problem, here you are struggling to 'show' PTSD in a jumble of words, rather than telling a story. It is through stories that we as humans learn to understand things we have never experienced, as well as help us to understand that which we have. In order to help you audience really feel and understand what's going on, you need to first communicate in a way they can relate to. Make common ground. Maybe have one of your characters enjoying sparklers with a younger family member, far away enough from the big fireworks, and then some idiot college hoodlum let's off an illegal EXPLOSIVE firework somewhere nearby. Show how he reacts. SHOW how he feels. Show how the others feel.. Don't tell the audience what they're suppose to feel and see. Showing is much more powerful, and you need powerful. Another suggestion is to chop this up, take up some of the bits that you think really hit home, and write it into a poem. Poems are the media you want to use for single word sentences and descriptions. I hope that helps. ^.^"
