Another Star-Crossed Lover
I didn't expect the story would turn this way. I thought this would be just a story about a past experience, but you had written something different.
It was clear that your vocabulary was vast, though I found some typing mistakes. I think you might consider the long paragraphs, since sometimes they could be confusing.
Well, I know this is not really helping. I just want to leave some words :) I'm going to read your other short stories.
I have read all your three poems and I like them all. Is this one actually about a vampire? I love it! (If you check my profile then you'll see that I am writing a vampire story :)) You made the scene in this poem romantic and passionate. I was kind of hoping the last sentence would be about the woman waking up as a vampire, though, lol
Anyway, great job!
The thing I like most about your poems is that you used simple words. (This is kind of biased since that's how I write too, lol.) It was easy to imagine the situation and scene. I also like how 'raw' it felt because of those simplicity. I mean, when we are in this kind of situation, we wouldn't think of difficult words to describe what we feel. Sometimes we even just don't know what to say.
Well, I really want to leave a review for each of your poems, but I'm sorry if they would be kind of the same.
Anyway, keep writing! :D
I personally like the second chapter, but not the first one. When I read the first chapter, I felt like reading an article or a thesis instead of a short story. I think it would be better if you wrote the whole information in the first chapter from the character's point of view, but I realized that you already classify this as 'Poetry', so characterizations might be not really important.
Well, that's what I think. You can do whatever you think is best with your stories :)
I know it isn't much, but I'm sure I'll try reading your other stories.
I have to admit that I don't like comedies. It was a great thing that I didn't give up on this story as soon as I saw the second genre.
I like how the dialogues are very natural. I did feel like talking with my best friend. Maybe that was why I could read the funny conversations between the two characters. I also like how you wrote the last chapter and turned all of the 'fun' of being a grim reaper (That's what the main character was, right?) to a sad fact of grief. You kept the 'fun' in the ending, though, which made it even better because you are consistent with your sense of humor there.
I found some mistakes in chapter 4, though. In the first paragraph, isn't it supposed to be 'exits', not 'exist'? And in later paragraphs, the part when there are long dialogues, you missed a full stop. You might want to check those out.
Anyway, great job! :)
A Dark Short Story
I didn't expect it would be a sad ending. I thought there would be hope or at least a sign that she would survive. But sad endings are not bad for me. I like how you wrote the last sentence like that, it left me hanging with the void the death brought.
I like how simple and direct the words you picked. (Well, it's kind of biased since I also have the same style, lol) It is really only an excerpt. Maybe you can write a full-length story out of this.
Well, I know this doesn't help much, but I just want to tell you how I think.
Keep writing :)
- Regards, Kei Angelus
Depression described well
I actually didn't expect it would end that way. This is my second experience of reading a story about a depressive person. I could easily sympathize with depressive characters because my best friend claimed that she is sometimes in that state. I like how simple yet deep the message you delivered is. I bet this can be a motivational story for students who felt depressed.
Anyway, I found a weird sentence on the 5th paragraph.
"I never thought I was capable of it, but I know I'm not dream as I lie on my side, ..."
Isn't supposed to be like this?
"I never thought I was capable of doing it, but I know I'm not dreaming,..."
I also think your first line is not 'eye-catching' enough. Maybe you can consider adding a better first line?
Well, but that's what I think. Just do what you think is best for your story :)
I have to admit that I read this story because of how short it is since I always read at my workplace.
The idea is not new, but I like how you described the change with the phone calls. I think you can explore this story deeper. For example, you can add more detail about the change in the husband's behavior, so that readers can understand her motive of killing him more.
I didn't notice any grammar mistake, though. Maybe it;s just because I'm not a native English speaker.
Well, hope this helps anyway. Keep up!
Okay, so I saw your post and decided to read your story.
Well, what I said 'interesting' is the fact that your main character had been unconscious for 8 months and it makes me to know more about what happened to her.
The opening sentences are a little off for me. It doesn't sound like she was unconscious. I even thought that this girl was that kind of bad-ass character because of your opening line, so it was kind of weird when I read the next paragraphs (which I actually like better).
Also, I noticed that you wrote a grammatically wrong word 'layed'. It should've been 'laid', right? Just look at the red lines :)
Anyway, this is only my opinion. Feel free to ignore it (except the 'layed', of course), if you think that you're already doing the right thing for your story :)
A Simple Story
I saw your post in the group and decided to check your stories. Since I am familiar with Alice Academy and this story is short enough that I can read it in ten minutes, I decided to leave a review here.
Well, the story itself is so simple yet so real (in the Alice Academy-world). I could imagine them really doing this kind of stupid games, lol.
Your description about the class is good enough, but there're some things that bugged me while reading this.
First, I think you shouldn't have written the word 'stupid' and 'baka' together, since 'baka' also means 'stupid'. The 'P' in 'Pocky' should be written in capital, too.
Well, I didn't check for further grammar errors..
I hope it helps somehow.
The deeper, the better
Wow. Always love this kind of ending.
I basically like your story, it's 'light' and short, but I think it's still lack of character background. For example, I think it would be nice if you wrote some scenes to show how close Isabella & Kim were, so that readers could feel Isabelle's lost. Also, I found it a bit annoying that Liam was really that kind of jerk. Did he was to kill Isabelle too after he had killed Kim?
Oh, well, but this is just me and my opinion. Feel free to ignore me if you already think you did the right thing for your story here :)
The type of YA novel that will get a movie adaptation
I'll definitely watch this kind of movie, you know. Reminds me of Mortal Instruments in a way.
Anyway, I like how you start the story with grief (I love angst!). Death is a start of something, anyway. Though I have some predictions of how this story would continue, I still want to read more :) Glad that i found that you've posted the third chapter before I write this review now.
I have no problem with your writing style and I read your story casually, so i didn't look for grammar mistakes.
I'll read more from you here. Anyway, good job :)
Um, I don't really understand how this story ends. Was Callie talking to God? Or her mother?
Also, the voices Callie heard as if she had been in a Sunday service, was it only her imagination, her memory, or (as I first thought) her soul being separated from her body?
But maybe it's just me... I have to re-read it, I guess. I don't find any problem with your grammar or punctuation, though.
I do like reading one-shots in this site, but what caught my attention is the religious theme in it :)
Please leave me a reply when you read this!
I love it!
Wow. This is my first vote EVER!
Now I really want to adapt your story into a stage play.
I have to admit that I got lost sometimes, especially in the first two chapters, when you just use Max's grandfather, Max's uncle, and father to call the characters. I also got confused about the point of view and who was speaking in the later chapters, but your story is the first story I completely read right away!
I like the way you describe the scene when people was in the machine. It was terrifying to see (or read) a little boy laughing and giggling while watching the execution and I think that is the most powerful thing in your story.
In the scene where the uncle was trying to rape Max, I could see that you tried not to make it explicit (Am I right?), but I think it needs just a little details just to show that Max was once an innocent boy.
The ending was a little unpredictable, though. I thought Max would start another cycle there.
Anyway, good job!
Hello. I just want to stop by and tell you what I think, though I'm nowhere near a professional writer here.
To be honest, the only reason I read this in my office hour is just because it is so short. I like how you made us read the woman's thoughts first and then continued to reveal the reality. I also like the ending. For me, it's one of that stories that leaves questions in the reader's mind.
By the way, I'm looking for short stories I can adapt to a short play. This one is too short, though. But maybe one of yours can be the one :)
An Unexpected Short Story
Now that I found out that it's not completed yet, I'm going to update my review.
I first decided to read this because I like vampire stories and I am writing one (If you want to check it out, just open my profile :D)
I really was surprised to see the 'complete' status of this story when I read the first chapter, because it seemed like a beginning of a bigger journey.
For me, except the transformation scene and the murder scene, the pace is too fast for one chapter, since I like details. But well, maybe that's just me :)
I still think both chapters are too short, but I like how you describe the boy. I could feel the atmosphere on the orphanage, but I think it would be good if you add some more detail about the environment there.
Anyway, your story is already in my reading list :) Keep up!
Hello, there. I wonder why you wrote the story in a form of script. As a script writer and stage director, I would have difficulties translating your script into a play. You do need to write more explanation about the scene, the setting, and the moves that the characters have to do. But I think you'd better write this as a short story instead of a script, because it would be interesting to know what Peter had in his mind.
About the story, it might be a nice simple comedy.
Well, that's all I can say. Keep up the writing!
Nice Short Story
This story had been in my reading list for ages, but I just got the chance to read it. I personally like this story, despite of being so short. Though you didn't give us any details about Jason's past, I could imagine his failing marriage. he story left me wondering about why he had ended up being a murderer.
Well, I just want you to know what I think. Good job :)
Firstly, the idea is actually interesting. Two men coming to the same neighborhood on the same day, one being a cop and the other one a criminal, their past was actually connected, etc. I expected something much more complicated, though, and your way of writing seemed to make everything so simple. I think you need to deepen the characters and write more details on everything. Some background stories, for example a story about why Jack ended up killing people, would be nice since readers could understand his motives and actually sympathize him (though he was a killer). I was also wondering about Crazy Woman and Hat Woman. I thought it was a part of the sinister thin about the city. You could write something about them and turn them into a bigger part of the story, too.
About the screenplay-formatted dialogues, I think it doesn't fit well. I've seen your other story, 'Welcome Back to The Show', and the format is good, but not for this one. I think you'd better turn this one into paragraphs. I also noticed some inconsistencies in the tenses and the story's point of view.
I suggest you to improve this story, since this could be really interesting.
Well, I hope this helps. Keep writing!
Great Short Horror
Whoa, I like it!
I like how you made the horror inscreasing incident by incident. I actually didn't expect that ending, which is a good thing :)
The words you used are simple, so the story was really easy to understand, despite of one typo I found. (You might want to check it out. Sorry for not pointing it out!)
The way you divided the story into incidents is unique and I like it.
Anyway, this will be one of the horror short stories I would recommend :)
A Short Horror
I didn't expect the story would turn that way. I think this is a good horror story for kids. Of course I said that not in the bad way. I like how you describe how the elf changed its form and suddenly became Theodore. It left me wondering why the hate Theodore felt could be a manifestation of the elf's behavior.
How old was Theodore & Daisy? At first I thought Theodore was about thirteen or fourteen, but when he mentioned about his car, I thought he might have been older. Was he a high school student? Maybe you could add some details about them.
I also left a feedback about the brackets. Hope this helps.
Anyway, cool story :)
I like this story. The simple words and how short it is makes the story easy to understand. It was really sad to understand Iris' mind, but that is the point of the story. For me, the ability to make readers feel the same way as the characters is the most important thing in a story.
The friendship between Iris and Lili is interesting. Everyone needs a Lili in their lives. I like how you closed the story with a letter to her. The part about 'having coffee together everyday' (that would never happen) actually made me sad. I also like how you use Oreo as a metaphor. (Am I right?)
I found a mistake, though, and I've sent a feedback to you.
Anyway, great short story! :)
A Realistic View of The End of Days
Hello, there! Your story has been in my reading list for ages and I'm glad I decided to read it this week.
Though I didn't know who the main character was, it was still interesting to see his decision. I think this could be extended and become a longer story. Maybe most reader would think that this is a prologue, but this actually would be great as an epilogue, too.
I like how you made everything vague, though. I mean, I don't even know who or what the main character was and what was happening there. It was actually interesting that I could think of multiple possibilities happening in the story's universe.
Well, that's all from me. Great job :)
An Epic School Fight
Well, I didn't expect that... Actually, how old were they?
I actually expected a lighter story about an early teenager dealing with puberty and stuff, but then the story was actually darker. This could be a start of a longer story, you know, because readers will be curious about the relationship between the main characters.
This may be short, but I hope this can make your day :)
Firstly, it was your summary that caught my attention. The story itself is really interesting. It makes me wonder if the main character was really insane or haunted. I prefer the first idea, though. The thought of a teenager spending time alone like that was creepy, and it is a good thing since the genre is horror (which I didn't notice when I opened the story, so I kind of expected a melancholic story, to be honest).
Anyway, good job! I like this story and I think I'll check your other stories.
I know this isn't much, but I just want you to know how I think :)
Surely A Potential
I couldn't say much here, since I haven't seen the grief that you had promised in the summary, but the chemistry between the main characters is comfortable and interesting. But the sentences you wrote are easy to follow. I might want to update this review when I read more.
Needs some work
Since you labelled it as WIP, I wonder where you'll take the story. Is it going to be different situations each chapter? Or is it going to be a full story based on this first poem?
I get the amazing feeling you were trying to deliver through this poem. Is this based on your own experience?
Anyway, I think you should have been consistent with the capital letter in'God'. You wrote it in capital in some parts, but not in some. You might want to check it.
My best friend once said that she had read somewhere that loneliness could be addicting. Once you get comfortable with it, you might not want to get out of your 'cocoon'. This story reminded me of that words. I found some of the scenes disturbing, not in the negative way, of course. And I imagined the early 'frozen rooms' could be shown beautifullly in a movie.
I always love symbolic things in the stories. And I hope I am right to interpret the jars as loneliness and the ice in the room as one's hardened heart.
I like how very short each chapter is, because I read in my spare times at work, but for some people, it might be better if you just combine them into longer chapters. Well, but the story is yours and you can make them as you please :)
Anyway, great work!
A Great Prologue
I really like the opening scene and the opening line. Your poetic style of writing makes me want to read more, though I'm not really into poetic poet myself. (Do you get what I mean?)
The only problem I found is the missing comma or full stop in the direct sentence. You might want to correct it.
I'm looking forward to reading the next chapters! :)
A Good Story, As Usual
This is what I could expect from you :)
Though I already knew the source of the smell the moment I read what the husband was doing, it was still interesting how you would end the story. I just hope the other readers also understand what the smell was, because you made it kind of unclear there.
Well, I'm surely going to read your other stories :)
Nice point of view, but nothing new
I am interested in your story because of the Biblical theme. The second chapter is actually what makes this kind of different, because not many people write about the people who go to Heaven. I also like the ending, when that man realized what is happening around him.
Since you seem to follow what is written in the Bible, there's nothing new about the Rapture. I wish you could make this longer and explain about the characters' story more. That can make this more interesting to follow because readers can sympathize with them.
Well, though this might not really helps, this is what I think.
Interesting, but needs some work
The idea is actually interesting. I didn't expect the main character to be so twisted. I bet some people would cringe while reading this story (just like me).
The only thing bothering me is the bad formatting. You should use capital letters and add some space for new paragraphs. It's kind of hard to read for me and I got lost several times when I looked away.
Well, I'm going to try reading your other short stories, too. I hope you can fix this.
I like how you portray Jesus and Satan as modern beings and I also like the message that Satan would never stop though he knew he would never win against Jesus (and God).I found this short story very interesting. I even considered adapting this into a short play someday (if you allow me, of course).
Well, I can't say much, but I just have to let you know what I think ;)
An English Story with Makoto Shinkai's Vibe
Have you watched Makoto Shinkai's movies? Because the atmosphere in the first chapter really reminds me of "5cm per Second", or probably "Your Name". But considering your profile picture, it seems that you like animes a lot.
Once I read that the setting was Japan, I just knew that this would turn to be so anime-like. To be honest, this 'anime-like atmosphere' almost made me not continue reading. Don't get me wrong, I do like anime and I did study Japanese for my major, I just know this style too much that sometimes I get bored, lol. Well, since I can speak Japanese, I want to correct the Japanese words you wrote.
In the second chapter, when Matt said 'calm down' in Japanese, I think 'ochitsuku' is not the right form. 'Ochitsuku' is the dictionary form which means 'to calm down', without any expression of telling someone to calm down. You should use 'ochitsuke' if Matt sounded a little rude, of 'ochitsuite' if you want him sound soft.
Anyway, the second chapter was interesting enough, though I don't really like Julie being kind of nosy and Matt being too rude in a way. (Like I said, so anime-like.)
I hope this short review helps :-) I'll check if you've posted the next chapter.
Great exploration of Max's mind
This is actually my first Life is Strange fanfic and I am happy about it :)
Although I do believe in the other ending (don't get me wrong I LOVE Chloe, but the other ending would make the story much better), I like how you described how messed up Max's mind was and I could simply feel how tired they were. I also like how you write Max's alternate mind talking to her. It feels real that she would be having that side effect after all of that.
Aren't you going to continue this? I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter :)
I know this review might not help to get you better, but anyway, good job!
Simple yet depressing
I was surprised about how simple the words you used. I used to write poems like this too :)
The easy words actually made the poem easy to understand and 'closer' to people who have experienced it. I actually feel that your poem could be an inspiration of a short story.
Anyway, keep writing!
Unique Story from a Monster
Wow. I always like a background story of a creature like this. I like how you described her opposition about herself. I'm still curious whether your version of Medusa was actually a human or not, but I guess it's best to leave us readers wondering, It's a bit short, indeed, but that is exactly why I read it right away :)
Since this is not my first review for you and it's clear that I like your writings, I'll gladly read your next other short stories :)
I love how you split the story into past and present timeline simultaneously.
The description of the past is painful, but beautiful. The description of the present is somehow peaceful, but sad. It is actually nice to be able to feel such emotions in a story this short.
I think this would be great as a epilogue of a longer story.
Anyway, I can't say much, but just want you to know how I think :)
Feels like an anime movie
I checked your profile after reading this and as I expected, you are an anime fan. This story reminded me of "Hotarubi no Mori e", to be honest. I could sense the anime-style story-telling in your story ;)
I could imagine the scenes just fine, but I still didn't get what 'people' Alicia's father talked about. I also think you should've written a description about what creature Artami turned into. (I actually imagined him as a werewolf.) I think the development of the relationship between Artami of Alicia was too fast and I didn't get how much time had passed from the first time Artami had showed up to Alicia's death.
Also, I couldn't understand the phrase : "...a bottle of deep dye Artami." Did you missed a preposition? Or was it just me?
Speaking of that dye, what was it, actually?
Oh, well, I hope this review helps somehow.
A New Classic Fairy Tale
I don't have much to say. It is a tragedy, just like in some classic fairy tales. Didn't expect that it would end that way, though. Just like when I read any fairy tale, I could imagine the darker version of your story, haha.
Keep writing! :)
I get the apocaliptic atmosphere here. I like how you made the end of days happened slowly and the 'disturbing' feeling I got after reading the ending : a history repeating.
The narration was short and direct, suits my taste perfectly.
Well, I know it's not a helpful review, but I just want you to know what I think :)
An Interesting Emotional Story
This is interesting. I have to admit that the summary grabbed me. I realized this was a story about PTSD when I read the opening parts, before you introduced the characters, and I could already imagine the pain.
I have to admit that your summary was what led me here. I liked your way of writing, with one word per sentence. I think it is great to describe the feelings, but not for the entire story. I sometimes got lost just because I didn't know whose thoughts those words were. I had to read this twice to really get the emotions.
But I don't regret it :) You wrote honestly and the feelings felt real. I do think that you should write the actions in common way and the emotions felt by the characters this way (I mean, it wouldn't hurt if you mixed them), but I like your story in general.
Oh, well, I know this is not really helping, but I just want to let you know what I think :)
Good Short Horror
I could imagine this in the form of series that contains two stories per episodes, like Goosebumps back there when I was a kid :D
Well, I like your story overall. It was unpredictable. I always like this kind of horror where the ending is like that!
You wrote with enough details that it is not boring, though the scenes are pretty simple. I like the idea of the black square connecting 'dimensions' and I somehow imagined the man bringing the square looked like Slenderman.
Anyway, I'm sorry that I can't say much for this review. I just want to let you know what I think ;)
Sad Short Story
I like it. I could imagine if my best friend asked me to do that thing Tracy had asked, I would certainly do it.
I do think your story is a bit too short, but when I did a quick re-read, I think it's already beautiful the way it is.
I like how you wrote a little about their friendship. I do have some personal experience myself :)
It's sad to think about our best friend's funeral and I'm glad I found your story to make me feel sad.
Well, I know this is not really helpful, but I just want to let you know how I think :)
I always like this kind of twisted story and your story is new for me. Well, I can't say much here, but I like how cruel the world had turned. Anyway, I think the breaking and entering week felt too short and I somehow feel the need to leave the characters unnamed (or maybe I was just not in focus).
Oh, but overall, I like your idea!
Feels slow because of the short chapter?
I honestly like your Preface, but I was confused about the setting when I started reading the second chapter. When you mentioned 1969, I thought it was the setting, but then there was this smartphone. So, was it in 1969 or present time? Maybe you should give us some more details about the time.
I noticed that you said you liked your chapters short, but I think it is too little to tell in those short chapters. maybe you combine your second, third, and fourth chapter and publish it as the second chapter, but that's only my suggestion. Just do what feels right to you for your story :)
I may rewrite my review when I read the next chapters. Good luck!
Cool classic plot twist!
Hi again :D
You got my second vote ever!
I know this kind of story is not new, and it's not my first time reading this kind of plot twist, but I love it anyway!
I don't expect the ending that Jacob was the 'bad guy' and I love how you end the story with 'history repeating'. The scene when Tyler ended up running to the orphanage again really got me. It was scary to imagine!
I couldn't think of any bad thing to write here, but maybe some people will think the chapters are too short, which is actually my preference.
Anyway, great job :D
P.S. : I found a typo around chapter 3 or 4, but I can't remember which one (sorry for not pointing out).
Be careful with the technicals!
I saw your post on the group and decided to read your story.
First of all, you should use proper punctuation and capitals! The word 'I' should all be in capitals, right? And also in every first word in the start of a sentence.
I noticed lack of commas and periods. Also, you should put a 'space' after a comma, not before it. I also noticed some typos. Try reading it a few times and fix your typing mistakes before you post your story. Edit your story, it will help a lot!
About the plot itself, in my opinion, it's still lack of details and dialogues, but I have to admit that I was surprised about the police coming (and the assumption about who Jay was) and I am looking forward to reading the next chapter :)
I'm looking for short stories to adapt into scripts, and this one is one of them :)
I think your poetry writing style is a little similar to mine. I like how you relate the Anxiety to the other emotions. I could already imagine how I can 'translate' this into a play.
So, do you mind if someday I turn your story into a script?
I think I'll like it!
I think the theory about Life and Death here is very interesting. It makes me want to know more about how they became like that. I also like what Life said about her sister wanting to pity herself (I love angst, haha).
I have to admit that I got lost in the middle, but maybe it was because I read it at my workplace, with my friend around, not in a better environment, lol (Or maybe it's because English is not my first language? :-( )
Anyway, I'll add this into my reading list :)
Feels Like Watching a Prologue of a Video Game
Wow, seriously, I think this would be great as a video game storyline. I don't mean bad. I mean, video games nowadays have great story and characters, and I can already imagine the setting and the talking commanders, and the video in the first chapter. I also like how you make me wondering about the "soldiers" with numbers there.
By the way, I don't really check the punctuation or grammar, consider me as a casual reader here :)