Kei Angelus

Bandung, West Java, Indonesia

Writer. Actor. Director. Japanese & English Teacher. Indonesian.

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Depression described well

I actually didn't expect it would end that way. This is my second experience of reading a story about a depressive person. I could easily sympathize with depressive characters because my best friend claimed that she is sometimes in that state. I like how simple yet deep the message you delivered is. I bet this can be a motivational story for students who felt depressed.

Anyway, I found a weird sentence on the 5th paragraph.
"I never thought I was capable of it, but I know I'm not dream as I lie on my side, ..."
Isn't supposed to be like this?
"I never thought I was capable of doing it, but I know I'm not dreaming,..."

I also think your first line is not 'eye-catching' enough. Maybe you can consider adding a better first line?
Well, but that's what I think. Just do what you think is best for your story :)

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Explorable Mini-story

Hello! ;)
I have to admit that I read this story because of how short it is since I always read at my workplace.
The idea is not new, but I like how you described the change with the phone calls. I think you can explore this story deeper. For example, you can add more detail about the change in the husband's behavior, so that readers can understand her motive of killing him more.
I didn't notice any grammar mistake, though. Maybe it;s just because I'm not a native English speaker.
Well, hope this helps anyway. Keep up!

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Interesting Opening

Okay, so I saw your post and decided to read your story.
Well, what I said 'interesting' is the fact that your main character had been unconscious for 8 months and it makes me to know more about what happened to her.
The opening sentences are a little off for me. It doesn't sound like she was unconscious. I even thought that this girl was that kind of bad-ass character because of your opening line, so it was kind of weird when I read the next paragraphs (which I actually like better).
Also, I noticed that you wrote a grammatically wrong word 'layed'. It should've been 'laid', right? Just look at the red lines :)
Anyway, this is only my opinion. Feel free to ignore it (except the 'layed', of course), if you think that you're already doing the right thing for your story :)

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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A Simple Story

Hello!
I saw your post in the group and decided to check your stories. Since I am familiar with Alice Academy and this story is short enough that I can read it in ten minutes, I decided to leave a review here.
Well, the story itself is so simple yet so real (in the Alice Academy-world). I could imagine them really doing this kind of stupid games, lol.
Your description about the class is good enough, but there're some things that bugged me while reading this.
First, I think you shouldn't have written the word 'stupid' and 'baka' together, since 'baka' also means 'stupid'. The 'P' in 'Pocky' should be written in capital, too.
Well, I didn't check for further grammar errors..
I hope it helps somehow.

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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The deeper, the better

Wow. Always love this kind of ending.
I basically like your story, it's 'light' and short, but I think it's still lack of character background. For example, I think it would be nice if you wrote some scenes to show how close Isabella & Kim were, so that readers could feel Isabelle's lost. Also, I found it a bit annoying that Liam was really that kind of jerk. Did he was to kill Isabelle too after he had killed Kim?
Oh, well, but this is just me and my opinion. Feel free to ignore me if you already think you did the right thing for your story here :)
Keep up!

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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The type of YA novel that will get a movie adaptation

I'll definitely watch this kind of movie, you know. Reminds me of Mortal Instruments in a way.
Anyway, I like how you start the story with grief (I love angst!). Death is a start of something, anyway. Though I have some predictions of how this story would continue, I still want to read more :) Glad that i found that you've posted the third chapter before I write this review now.
I have no problem with your writing style and I read your story casually, so i didn't look for grammar mistakes.
I'll read more from you here. Anyway, good job :)

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I'm confused.

Um, I don't really understand how this story ends. Was Callie talking to God? Or her mother?
Also, the voices Callie heard as if she had been in a Sunday service, was it only her imagination, her memory, or (as I first thought) her soul being separated from her body?
But maybe it's just me... I have to re-read it, I guess. I don't find any problem with your grammar or punctuation, though.

I do like reading one-shots in this site, but what caught my attention is the religious theme in it :)
Please leave me a reply when you read this!

regards,
Kei Angelus

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I love it!

Wow. This is my first vote EVER!
Now I really want to adapt your story into a stage play.
I have to admit that I got lost sometimes, especially in the first two chapters, when you just use Max's grandfather, Max's uncle, and father to call the characters. I also got confused about the point of view and who was speaking in the later chapters, but your story is the first story I completely read right away!
I like the way you describe the scene when people was in the machine. It was terrifying to see (or read) a little boy laughing and giggling while watching the execution and I think that is the most powerful thing in your story.
In the scene where the uncle was trying to rape Max, I could see that you tried not to make it explicit (Am I right?), but I think it needs just a little details just to show that Max was once an innocent boy.
The ending was a little unpredictable, though. I thought Max would start another cycle there.
Anyway, good job!

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Short-but-interesting

Hello. I just want to stop by and tell you what I think, though I'm nowhere near a professional writer here.
To be honest, the only reason I read this in my office hour is just because it is so short. I like how you made us read the woman's thoughts first and then continued to reveal the reality. I also like the ending. For me, it's one of that stories that leaves questions in the reader's mind.
By the way, I'm looking for short stories I can adapt to a short play. This one is too short, though. But maybe one of yours can be the one :)

Regards,
Kei

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An Unexpected Short Story

Now that I found out that it's not completed yet, I'm going to update my review.
I first decided to read this because I like vampire stories and I am writing one (If you want to check it out, just open my profile :D)
I really was surprised to see the 'complete' status of this story when I read the first chapter, because it seemed like a beginning of a bigger journey.
For me, except the transformation scene and the murder scene, the pace is too fast for one chapter, since I like details. But well, maybe that's just me :)
I still think both chapters are too short, but I like how you describe the boy. I could feel the atmosphere on the orphanage, but I think it would be good if you add some more detail about the environment there.
Anyway, your story is already in my reading list :) Keep up!

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Interesting

I like how simple the words you used are. They are raw and straightforward, but I think you can make the poems deeper so that the story would be clearer.
I don't have much to say, but keep going :)

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Simple yet depressing

I was surprised about how simple the words you used. I used to write poems like this too :)
The easy words actually made the poem easy to understand and 'closer' to people who have experienced it. I actually feel that your poem could be an inspiration of a short story.
Anyway, keep writing!

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Unique Story from a Monster

Wow. I always like a background story of a creature like this. I like how you described her opposition about herself. I'm still curious whether your version of Medusa was actually a human or not, but I guess it's best to leave us readers wondering, It's a bit short, indeed, but that is exactly why I read it right away :)
Since this is not my first review for you and it's clear that I like your writings, I'll gladly read your next other short stories :)

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Beautifully Written

I love how you split the story into past and present timeline simultaneously.
The description of the past is painful, but beautiful. The description of the present is somehow peaceful, but sad. It is actually nice to be able to feel such emotions in a story this short.
I think this would be great as a epilogue of a longer story.
Anyway, I can't say much, but just want you to know how I think :)

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Feels like an anime movie

I checked your profile after reading this and as I expected, you are an anime fan. This story reminded me of "Hotarubi no Mori e", to be honest. I could sense the anime-style story-telling in your story ;)
I could imagine the scenes just fine, but I still didn't get what 'people' Alicia's father talked about. I also think you should've written a description about what creature Artami turned into. (I actually imagined him as a werewolf.) I think the development of the relationship between Artami of Alicia was too fast and I didn't get how much time had passed from the first time Artami had showed up to Alicia's death.
Also, I couldn't understand the phrase : "...a bottle of deep dye Artami." Did you missed a preposition? Or was it just me?
Speaking of that dye, what was it, actually?

Oh, well, I hope this review helps somehow.

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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A New Classic Fairy Tale

I don't have much to say. It is a tragedy, just like in some classic fairy tales. Didn't expect that it would end that way, though. Just like when I read any fairy tale, I could imagine the darker version of your story, haha.
Keep writing! :)

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Atmospheric

I get the apocaliptic atmosphere here. I like how you made the end of days happened slowly and the 'disturbing' feeling I got after reading the ending : a history repeating.
The narration was short and direct, suits my taste perfectly.

Well, I know it's not a helpful review, but I just want you to know what I think :)

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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An Interesting Emotional Story

This is interesting. I have to admit that the summary grabbed me. I realized this was a story about PTSD when I read the opening parts, before you introduced the characters, and I could already imagine the pain.
I have to admit that your summary was what led me here. I liked your way of writing, with one word per sentence. I think it is great to describe the feelings, but not for the entire story. I sometimes got lost just because I didn't know whose thoughts those words were. I had to read this twice to really get the emotions.
But I don't regret it :) You wrote honestly and the feelings felt real. I do think that you should write the actions in common way and the emotions felt by the characters this way (I mean, it wouldn't hurt if you mixed them), but I like your story in general.
Oh, well, I know this is not really helping, but I just want to let you know what I think :)

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Good Short Horror

I could imagine this in the form of series that contains two stories per episodes, like Goosebumps back there when I was a kid :D
Well, I like your story overall. It was unpredictable. I always like this kind of horror where the ending is like that!
You wrote with enough details that it is not boring, though the scenes are pretty simple. I like the idea of the black square connecting 'dimensions' and I somehow imagined the man bringing the square looked like Slenderman.
Anyway, I'm sorry that I can't say much for this review. I just want to let you know what I think ;)

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Sad Short Story

I like it. I could imagine if my best friend asked me to do that thing Tracy had asked, I would certainly do it.
I do think your story is a bit too short, but when I did a quick re-read, I think it's already beautiful the way it is.
I like how you wrote a little about their friendship. I do have some personal experience myself :)
It's sad to think about our best friend's funeral and I'm glad I found your story to make me feel sad.
Well, I know this is not really helpful, but I just want to let you know how I think :)

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Cool!

I always like this kind of twisted story and your story is new for me. Well, I can't say much here, but I like how cruel the world had turned. Anyway, I think the breaking and entering week felt too short and I somehow feel the need to leave the characters unnamed (or maybe I was just not in focus).
Oh, but overall, I like your idea!

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Feels slow because of the short chapter?

I honestly like your Preface, but I was confused about the setting when I started reading the second chapter. When you mentioned 1969, I thought it was the setting, but then there was this smartphone. So, was it in 1969 or present time? Maybe you should give us some more details about the time.
I noticed that you said you liked your chapters short, but I think it is too little to tell in those short chapters. maybe you combine your second, third, and fourth chapter and publish it as the second chapter, but that's only my suggestion. Just do what feels right to you for your story :)

I may rewrite my review when I read the next chapters. Good luck!

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Cool classic plot twist!

Hi again :D
You got my second vote ever!
I know this kind of story is not new, and it's not my first time reading this kind of plot twist, but I love it anyway!
I don't expect the ending that Jacob was the 'bad guy' and I love how you end the story with 'history repeating'. The scene when Tyler ended up running to the orphanage again really got me. It was scary to imagine!
I couldn't think of any bad thing to write here, but maybe some people will think the chapters are too short, which is actually my preference.
Anyway, great job :D

Regards,
Kei Angelus
P.S. : I found a typo around chapter 3 or 4, but I can't remember which one (sorry for not pointing out).

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Be careful with the technicals!

Hello!
I saw your post on the group and decided to read your story.
First of all, you should use proper punctuation and capitals! The word 'I' should all be in capitals, right? And also in every first word in the start of a sentence.
I noticed lack of commas and periods. Also, you should put a 'space' after a comma, not before it. I also noticed some typos. Try reading it a few times and fix your typing mistakes before you post your story. Edit your story, it will help a lot!
About the plot itself, in my opinion, it's still lack of details and dialogues, but I have to admit that I was surprised about the police coming (and the assumption about who Jay was) and I am looking forward to reading the next chapter :)
Good luck!

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Cool!

Hello!
I'm looking for short stories to adapt into scripts, and this one is one of them :)
I think your poetry writing style is a little similar to mine. I like how you relate the Anxiety to the other emotions. I could already imagine how I can 'translate' this into a play.
So, do you mind if someday I turn your story into a script?

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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I think I'll like it!

I think the theory about Life and Death here is very interesting. It makes me want to know more about how they became like that. I also like what Life said about her sister wanting to pity herself (I love angst, haha).
I have to admit that I got lost in the middle, but maybe it was because I read it at my workplace, with my friend around, not in a better environment, lol (Or maybe it's because English is not my first language? :-( )
Anyway, I'll add this into my reading list :)

Regards,
Kei

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Feels Like Watching a Prologue of a Video Game

Wow, seriously, I think this would be great as a video game storyline. I don't mean bad. I mean, video games nowadays have great story and characters, and I can already imagine the setting and the talking commanders, and the video in the first chapter. I also like how you make me wondering about the "soldiers" with numbers there.
By the way, I don't really check the punctuation or grammar, consider me as a casual reader here :)

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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