Kei Angelus

Bandung, West Java, Indonesia

Writer. Actor. Director. Japanese & English Teacher. Indonesian.

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One of The Best

The description of every detail is really really good. As a writer, sometimes I find it difficult to describe unreal experience and thoughts, but readers can even feel it in this story.
I like how you build the main character's inner monologues. They were magical with unusual sentence patterns, but they were used at the right time.
I love how the clues were written everywhere, but they were really well hid that I didn't notice it at first. Also, the revelation was enough to make me smile and cursed silently.
Sometimes I got lost in the middle of long paragraphs, but I think it was just me having to re-read this story in a better environment.
Anyway, I will add this to my public reading list, Great Short Stories. Well done!

Regards,

Kei Angelus

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A Great Potential

This book could be a really interesting coming-of-age story as I noticed the issues the characters were dealing with. Self-esteem, social life, bullying, love. Those are the things any teenager would face.
Although the story itself is indeed interesting, there are some things you can improve.
I feel the characteristics of the main characters were not strong enough for me to fall in love with. Emily was a teen model, but she actually had low self-esteem. What had caused this? Did she hate her dad? Had her dad done something she resented for?
Then I can't say much about Elizabeth because she's just been introduced. I haven't figured out if you would develop romantic relationship between Emily and Elizabeth.
I also feel that the plot is too fast and too slow at the same time somehow. I was kind of confused too because the point of view changed from Emily to Elizabeth, then back to Emily, without any 'change of color'.
I spotted some writing mistakes. I wanted to just leave the feedback, but there was an issue. You might want to re-read your chapter before you publish the chapter to avoid typos.
Anyway, with some polishing and better editing, this can me a good book. Keep writing! :)

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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(Chapter 1-7) A Dragon Like I've Never Seen Before

I don't usually read fantasy nowadays, especially stories with dragons and alternate universes. However, the world built in this story kept me wondering how it felt to be in there.
As a main character, the little boy, Isabella, was somehow lack of his innocence, but still lovable enough. His chemistry with Amelia (although she was only shown in the very short part in Chapter 1) was undeniably strong and his relationship with Yggdrasil was unique.
The Mirror Dragon was also the main attraction here. The trait of a dragon which mirrored the owner's feelings reminded me of a "cat" from "She-Ra and The Princesses of Power", but Mirror could do more.
However, the sentences in the earlier chapters were sometimes hard to understand. It was hard for me to follow and imagine the environment in the story. I like how Bell's feelings were described, but since it's an alien world different from ours, more details might be needed. There were also missing quotation marks in the last chapters.
Some editing and rewording would solve this problem.

Last but not least, I think the title and the cover are not good enough for a story as interesting as this. You might want to consider a better ones.
Anyway, I hope this helps! Keep it up!

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Need Lots of Work

Hi! I saw the cover and immediately read it because it was clear that this was a lesbian romance.
I honestly like the first two chapters that explained the families of the two main characters, which was already clear enough even with very short chapters.
But honestly, the other chapters THAT short were not very effective. Because of the very short chapters that change point of views in every chapter, I got confused about who was 'I' and had to glanced at the chapter title so often.
I had hoped for a bittersweet story, because both Gio and Lisa didn't get the love they needed from their family. But I don't even know the timeline of your story because you did not write any explanation about that. I mean, how long did it take from their first day of work until they became girlfriends? How long did it take from their being girlfriends to the bar scene? For me, it felt like it happened in one or two days, which doesn't make sense.
You also should let readers fall in love with your characters by telling us more about them. What they were thinking? How did they feel about their families, their loves, their worlds? How did they realized that they were attracted to girls?
In short : DETAILS!

You also have to improve your grammar and punctuation. Read more and check on more senior people's works. You can learn a lot from their works.

I hope you can write better. Don;t give up!

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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A Compelling Start

Firstly, I like how the twins' names are mirrored. Secondly, I like the opening which made me want to know more about why the family had to deal with the killing.
When I read the first chapter, I thought the setting was futuristic, but reading Chapter 2, I wasn't sure anymore. Honestly, I can't say much because it's really too early to judge. But it seems to be an interesting story.
I did notice about how you wrote the dialogues, though.
Instead of :
"You need to leave." She said.
It should be :
"You need to leave," she said.
But if the sentence ends with question or exclamation mark, it remains the same.
I once checked some how to write published books about that one, so, you might want to correct it.

Anyway, great opening!

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Need Some Improvements

The idea of writing from the point of view of the rapist is in fact interesting. It reminded me of Netflix's series 13 Reasons Why Season 3, which I had just finished days ago.
I have to admit that you have so many things to fix to make this story ready to publish.
Firstly, you have to improve your English. (I guess you're not from an English speaking country? Don't worry, I am too!) Pay attention to the tenses and the basics. Read more to learn more. You can also try finding a good beta reader in the group.
Secondly, fix your punctuation. Don't overuse the periods. When you imagine your characters pause when they talk, just use commas, or even '...', but no more than that. Try reading some published books or more senior writers' works here to see the proper punctuation.
That's what I can say for now. I hope this helps!
Keep writing!

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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A Psychological Horror with a Touch of Anime's Dark Vibe

This is the type of movie I would love, but strangely not my favorite genre of books.
As a Japanese Literature graduate, I am familiar with animes and Japanese comic books. From the references and your profile picture, I do believe that you are a fan, just like Elijah. I also feel this anime-ish vibe in your story.

To be honest, I don't really like the Prologue, because I couldn't find the real connection between that man in the dream and the main story. (Or was it just me?) But as I read more, I couldn't help finding this story interesting enough for me to finish.
Sometimes your characters' persistent traits were annoying, like Elijah's selflessness or Natsuki's curiosity. I knew characters had to be consistent, but character developments are important too. Sometimes I had to remind myself that they were only middle school students, so that they were not that mature enough to think of this and that.

Despite of the ending that I HONESTLY LOVE, I do feel that you can strengthen your characters' background stories. For example, why did Elijah like animes? How was his relationship with his mother in general? Why did Natsuki have Japanese name?
Maybe they didn't really matter, considering the ending (that I'm still trying to hide as I'm writing this review, although I am afraid my suggestion would be unclear), but it would be nice to get closer with the main characters. And it would make more twists with the dream/reality where they were different.

You might want to work on the punctuation, especially commas. Also, you should use them by the end of quotations ending with full stops. "You should use commas by the end of this," I should have explained to you in the comment. And the word 'barley' is a name of grains. You must have meant 'barely'. Try re-reading your chapter before submitting it.

Anyway, great job! Keep writing :)

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Ready-to-Publish RPG Story

I have to admit that this kind of fantasy is not my cup of tea, but the mystery and the characters you created managed to make me interested until the end. I also have to give you thumbs up for the world you created. The magic, the kingdoms, the creatures, the spells... Everything deserves a publication.
I like the chemistry between Ana & Erkalla, Marick & Rowen, also somehow Ana & Rowen. As someone who rates stories based on chemistry, I'd say that I could feel it in your story.
You didn't write the many details about the characters' appearance. I wonder if you wanted the readers to make their version of the characters. If not, I think some descriptions about the characters' physical appearance & what they were wearing would be good.
From the early chapters, I instantly remembered the RPGs I had played in the past. I could even imagine which part would be a mission, which part would be a boss battle, etc.. It was actually a fun read! I did feel that sometimes the problems were solved in such a short time, but I think this is very good if you wrote this story for children or teenagers. For older readers, the inner conflicts might have been too simple. For example, when someone died, the closest friend might have felt he sorrow for some time, but you made this friend so strong and seemed fine after one single cry.

The language you used was simple and it made the book easy to read, even for foreigners and younger readers. I also like the relatively short chapters. I found one mistake between chapter 21 - 23. You wrote 'Erkalla', but I thought that one should have been 'Ennana'. You might want to check that one.

I didn't expect that the mystery would be hidden until the end of the book, although I did realize that this was only the first book. I didn't expect the "happy" ending, though.
Anyway, I hope this helps ;)
Keep writing!

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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A High Quality Thriller

I have to admit that this kind of book is not my thing. I do like psychological themes, but I don't really read anything longer than a few chapters except dramas. But your book is worth my try,
I was glad that the chapters are really short, so I could read it faster. That's why I was surprised by how long Chapter 23 was.
I always adore the details you write (which I personally have to improve), although sometimes it made me lost. But maybe that was just me.
I also like how you show the personality switch. It was always interesting to see what the other personality thought. I am currently wondering why you didn't reveal the main character's name. Considering "Two Way Mirror", there must be something behind this girl's name.
I have to admit that I was surprised by how Chapter 23 turned out. I am always disappointed when the story shifts from one atmosphere to another one, especially when it happened so sudden. The first 22 chapters are about how 'Me' struggling with her mind, but suddenly it's like a mission impossible in Chapter 23. No, I don't say that it's entirely bad. In fact, it is a great twist. I'm sure that so many people like this kind of twist. It's just me who likes drama better, lol.
I did find some spelling mistakes, though. But a quick read would fix them.

Anyway, keep writing!

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Honest Writing

I like how you used simple words in the poetry. The rhymes make it almost like song lyrics. I took it you wrote it based on your own experience?
I like the last one the most. I could connect with the feeling of lost & healing there.
Keep writing :)

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Fun to read, but not memorable

Hello!
Your story is actually fun and hilarious. I liked seeing Gladys' responses and how things went crazy, but I think the ending was somehow forced. Maybe you could come up with a punchline for the ending?
Well, I know it isn't much, but I just want to leave a word. This is just my opinion. Feel free to ignore it if you think you've done the best for your story :)

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Another Star-Crossed Lover

I didn't expect the story would turn this way. I thought this would be just a story about a past experience, but you had written something different.
It was clear that your vocabulary was vast, though I found some typing mistakes. I think you might consider the long paragraphs, since sometimes they could be confusing.
Well, I know this is not really helping. I just want to leave some words :) I'm going to read your other short stories.

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Short but great

That's it. Whatever I want to write will be like what I've written in the review for 'Struggle'.
Great job! :D

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Great!

I have read all your three poems and I like them all. Is this one actually about a vampire? I love it! (If you check my profile then you'll see that I am writing a vampire story :)) You made the scene in this poem romantic and passionate. I was kind of hoping the last sentence would be about the woman waking up as a vampire, though, lol
Anyway, great job!

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Great!

The thing I like most about your poems is that you used simple words. (This is kind of biased since that's how I write too, lol.) It was easy to imagine the situation and scene. I also like how 'raw' it felt because of those simplicity. I mean, when we are in this kind of situation, we wouldn't think of difficult words to describe what we feel. Sometimes we even just don't know what to say.
Well, I really want to leave a review for each of your poems, but I'm sorry if they would be kind of the same.
Anyway, keep writing! :D

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Nice

What a cold, dark piece of poem.
I won't say much. Great :)

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Nice Poetry

I personally like the second chapter, but not the first one. When I read the first chapter, I felt like reading an article or a thesis instead of a short story. I think it would be better if you wrote the whole information in the first chapter from the character's point of view, but I realized that you already classify this as 'Poetry', so characterizations might be not really important.
Well, that's what I think. You can do whatever you think is best with your stories :)
I know it isn't much, but I'm sure I'll try reading your other stories.

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Great!

I have to admit that I don't like comedies. It was a great thing that I didn't give up on this story as soon as I saw the second genre.
I like how the dialogues are very natural. I did feel like talking with my best friend. Maybe that was why I could read the funny conversations between the two characters. I also like how you wrote the last chapter and turned all of the 'fun' of being a grim reaper (That's what the main character was, right?) to a sad fact of grief. You kept the 'fun' in the ending, though, which made it even better because you are consistent with your sense of humor there.

I found some mistakes in chapter 4, though. In the first paragraph, isn't it supposed to be 'exits', not 'exist'? And in later paragraphs, the part when there are long dialogues, you missed a full stop. You might want to check those out.
Anyway, great job! :)

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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A Dark Short Story

I didn't expect it would be a sad ending. I thought there would be hope or at least a sign that she would survive. But sad endings are not bad for me. I like how you wrote the last sentence like that, it left me hanging with the void the death brought.
I like how simple and direct the words you picked. (Well, it's kind of biased since I also have the same style, lol) It is really only an excerpt. Maybe you can write a full-length story out of this.

Well, I know this doesn't help much, but I just want to tell you how I think.
Keep writing :)

- Regards, Kei Angelus

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Nice point of view, but nothing new

Hi there.
I am interested in your story because of the Biblical theme. The second chapter is actually what makes this kind of different, because not many people write about the people who go to Heaven. I also like the ending, when that man realized what is happening around him.
Since you seem to follow what is written in the Bible, there's nothing new about the Rapture. I wish you could make this longer and explain about the characters' story more. That can make this more interesting to follow because readers can sympathize with them.
Well, though this might not really helps, this is what I think.

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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An English Story with Makoto Shinkai's Vibe

Have you watched Makoto Shinkai's movies? Because the atmosphere in the first chapter really reminds me of "5cm per Second", or probably "Your Name". But considering your profile picture, it seems that you like animes a lot.
Once I read that the setting was Japan, I just knew that this would turn to be so anime-like. To be honest, this 'anime-like atmosphere' almost made me not continue reading. Don't get me wrong, I do like anime and I did study Japanese for my major, I just know this style too much that sometimes I get bored, lol. Well, since I can speak Japanese, I want to correct the Japanese words you wrote.
In the second chapter, when Matt said 'calm down' in Japanese, I think 'ochitsuku' is not the right form. 'Ochitsuku' is the dictionary form which means 'to calm down', without any expression of telling someone to calm down. You should use 'ochitsuke' if Matt sounded a little rude, of 'ochitsuite' if you want him sound soft.

Anyway, the second chapter was interesting enough, though I don't really like Julie being kind of nosy and Matt being too rude in a way. (Like I said, so anime-like.)
I hope this short review helps :-) I'll check if you've posted the next chapter.

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Depression described well

I actually didn't expect it would end that way. This is my second experience of reading a story about a depressive person. I could easily sympathize with depressive characters because my best friend claimed that she is sometimes in that state. I like how simple yet deep the message you delivered is. I bet this can be a motivational story for students who felt depressed.

Anyway, I found a weird sentence on the 5th paragraph.
"I never thought I was capable of it, but I know I'm not dream as I lie on my side, ..."
Isn't supposed to be like this?
"I never thought I was capable of doing it, but I know I'm not dreaming,..."

I also think your first line is not 'eye-catching' enough. Maybe you can consider adding a better first line?
Well, but that's what I think. Just do what you think is best for your story :)

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Explorable Mini-story

Hello! ;)
I have to admit that I read this story because of how short it is since I always read at my workplace.
The idea is not new, but I like how you described the change with the phone calls. I think you can explore this story deeper. For example, you can add more detail about the change in the husband's behavior, so that readers can understand her motive of killing him more.
I didn't notice any grammar mistake, though. Maybe it;s just because I'm not a native English speaker.
Well, hope this helps anyway. Keep up!

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Interesting Opening

Okay, so I saw your post and decided to read your story.
Well, what I said 'interesting' is the fact that your main character had been unconscious for 8 months and it makes me to know more about what happened to her.
The opening sentences are a little off for me. It doesn't sound like she was unconscious. I even thought that this girl was that kind of bad-ass character because of your opening line, so it was kind of weird when I read the next paragraphs (which I actually like better).
Also, I noticed that you wrote a grammatically wrong word 'layed'. It should've been 'laid', right? Just look at the red lines :)
Anyway, this is only my opinion. Feel free to ignore it (except the 'layed', of course), if you think that you're already doing the right thing for your story :)

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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A Simple Story

Hello!
I saw your post in the group and decided to check your stories. Since I am familiar with Alice Academy and this story is short enough that I can read it in ten minutes, I decided to leave a review here.
Well, the story itself is so simple yet so real (in the Alice Academy-world). I could imagine them really doing this kind of stupid games, lol.
Your description about the class is good enough, but there're some things that bugged me while reading this.
First, I think you shouldn't have written the word 'stupid' and 'baka' together, since 'baka' also means 'stupid'. The 'P' in 'Pocky' should be written in capital, too.
Well, I didn't check for further grammar errors..
I hope it helps somehow.

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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The deeper, the better

Wow. Always love this kind of ending.
I basically like your story, it's 'light' and short, but I think it's still lack of character background. For example, I think it would be nice if you wrote some scenes to show how close Isabella & Kim were, so that readers could feel Isabelle's lost. Also, I found it a bit annoying that Liam was really that kind of jerk. Did he was to kill Isabelle too after he had killed Kim?
Oh, well, but this is just me and my opinion. Feel free to ignore me if you already think you did the right thing for your story here :)
Keep up!

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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The type of YA novel that will get a movie adaptation

I'll definitely watch this kind of movie, you know. Reminds me of Mortal Instruments in a way.
Anyway, I like how you start the story with grief (I love angst!). Death is a start of something, anyway. Though I have some predictions of how this story would continue, I still want to read more :) Glad that i found that you've posted the third chapter before I write this review now.
I have no problem with your writing style and I read your story casually, so i didn't look for grammar mistakes.
I'll read more from you here. Anyway, good job :)

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I love it!

Wow. This is my first vote EVER!
Now I really want to adapt your story into a stage play.
I have to admit that I got lost sometimes, especially in the first two chapters, when you just use Max's grandfather, Max's uncle, and father to call the characters. I also got confused about the point of view and who was speaking in the later chapters, but your story is the first story I completely read right away!
I like the way you describe the scene when people was in the machine. It was terrifying to see (or read) a little boy laughing and giggling while watching the execution and I think that is the most powerful thing in your story.
In the scene where the uncle was trying to rape Max, I could see that you tried not to make it explicit (Am I right?), but I think it needs just a little details just to show that Max was once an innocent boy.
The ending was a little unpredictable, though. I thought Max would start another cycle there.
Anyway, good job!

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Short-but-interesting

Hello. I just want to stop by and tell you what I think, though I'm nowhere near a professional writer here.
To be honest, the only reason I read this in my office hour is just because it is so short. I like how you made us read the woman's thoughts first and then continued to reveal the reality. I also like the ending. For me, it's one of that stories that leaves questions in the reader's mind.
By the way, I'm looking for short stories I can adapt to a short play. This one is too short, though. But maybe one of yours can be the one :)

Regards,
Kei

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An Unexpected Short Story

Now that I found out that it's not completed yet, I'm going to update my review.
I first decided to read this because I like vampire stories and I am writing one (If you want to check it out, just open my profile :D)
I really was surprised to see the 'complete' status of this story when I read the first chapter, because it seemed like a beginning of a bigger journey.
For me, except the transformation scene and the murder scene, the pace is too fast for one chapter, since I like details. But well, maybe that's just me :)
I still think both chapters are too short, but I like how you describe the boy. I could feel the atmosphere on the orphanage, but I think it would be good if you add some more detail about the environment there.
Anyway, your story is already in my reading list :) Keep up!

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Extremely Short Yet Beautiful

I don't really write poetry, but I do enjoy reading it.
When I read the first one, I thought it would be a prologue for a longer story, but then I found out that it WAS a poetry piece.
I love how simple the "scenes" are, but you successfully made it relatable and deep with raw emotions in every line. If you ever write another poetry piece, I will surely read it!

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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(Chapter 1 - 3) An Interesting Opening

When I saw the cover, I thought I would read a mystery book, but I am glad I was wrong.
The first chapter is powerful enough to introduce us about the main character and this being who showed up, telling both her and the readers what was happening.
I like the interaction between them.
The second chapter felt too long for me, but the way you introduced Axel is great. His out of date house made me wonder if it really was a time slip or he was just a weirdo.
On the contrary, the third chapter felt a little too short because the conversation in the "dream" was so short. But the appearance of The Being humored me.

About grammar and punctuation, I didn't find anything wrong with the format or tenses.

Anyway, I think this story is really interesting. I wonder where you would take the story to. I wonder how the mechanism of this "saving someone's life" worked. I am waiting for The Being to take a form later. I am officially their fan.
Keep it up!

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Specific characterizations are important!

When I read the first chapter, with the kidnapping,I almost forgot that this was a fantasy, not just a normal drama or thriller. When I reached the next chapter and met the Valor, I was like, "Oh, right." The shifting of the tone felt a little bit forced. It almost felt like a totally different story. Maybe you could make a better bridging by adding more details about Serenity's powers before she was finally at school.
The concept of supernatural beings in the same school isn't new, but I like the description of the school and how you built each creature.
I notice that you made it clear when you change the point of view by writing the name of the character, but except for what this character knew or did not know, I didn't feel any change in their characters (how they think, how they feel, how they talk, how they narrate their thoughts). They all sound the same to me. Even the boys and girls felt the same (the boys sound like girls, to be honest). There were no significant trademarks. This problem made me have a hard time loving the characters, because they all sounded the same with their past or family problems.
And how did all the boys suddenly fall in love with Serenity? I found it too annoying, because there are definitely other girls too, and they all loved each other. How come the boys never fell in love with Tora or Amber, but they suddenly liked Serenity? She didn't even do anything at first.

For the grammar, you got many typos and misspellings here and there. Also, you HAVE TO be consistent about the tenses you want to use. I noticed that you wanted to write the story in past tense, but the sentences keep changing into present tense in so many places, even in the same paragraph.
Also, when you write dialogues :
"It should be like this," I said.
"Instead of this." I said again.

Overall, your book might be interesting for middle school or high school girls, which is not a bad thing. If you strengthen several points I have mentioned here, this could be a potential.
Keep it up!

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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I like it!

I love the concept of this! Using dates to create a series of tragedy is a good idea.
I prefer the first chapter, because I didn't know what was happening there at first, but the last line hit me hard. I think it would be great to 'reveal' the event in the end of every chapters. It would be good for readers who don't really see news like me. We would be like, "Oh, right! That disaster!"
And it would be a big blow to the reader's hearts.
I can't say much for this one, but great idea here!
Keep writing!

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Still not getting where this would take me.

First of all, I am having a hard time liking the main character.
Yes, she was a bad girl. Yes, she had issues. But I feel that it was just too much that I haven't found a single thing I like from her except for the fact that she called her car 'my baby'. Maybe you can write more details about her past and her feelings except hate (towards school) and lust. I really wish she was more likeable. Like, what was her positive trait? She was just all about having fun I didn't even know if she truly loved her friends.
I waited until the very recent chapter to connect with her. But seriously, she suddenly being an illegal fighter made it even weird without any explanation. How come a high school girl without any athletic figure and training could be so good at fighting? Again, details!
About her friends, it was hard to memorize who was who. I feel that the characterization of each person wasn't strong enough. You described them at first, but readers need to be able to see it from their actions too.

I found some grammar mistakes, but you can fix it by re-reading your story before posting it. If it's not enough,consider having a beta reader.
One thing for sure, you wrote several sentences in present tense, while your story in general is in past tense. You need to fix that. I also noticed that you wrote 'spinned' as the past tense of 'spin'. It should be 'spun'.

Anyway, maybe this story might just now t my cup of tea, but I hope this review helps you.
Keep up the work!

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Need Some Editing

Reading your two stories, it seems that you like writing about death and tragedy.
For this one, being told from the point of view of a cat, I found it interesting. Although, to make it clear, so the cat's name was also Billie?
I got confused at first, but I am not sure if it was because I'm not used to reading poetic style or there are some confusing sentences.
I found some grammar and punctuation mistakes and I did leave some feedback. I hope you've received them. (In case you didn't, I asked about some possible typos and corrected the punctuation.) Also, I noticed the present tenses changed into past. Did you do it deliberately? Because I though the story was linear, no flashbacks.

Well, anyway, keep writing!

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Needs More Details

The opening of the story was the accident. I expected the next chapter would be about the recovery or maybe a funeral, but you skipped a lot of things and went straight to Amelia's leaving the house.
In my opinion, writing a chapter about how she felt when her mother died would be a good way to introduce her and make the reader understand her more. You can also introduce Jack's involvement in that chapter too.
The part when Amelia and Jameson were taken to Donovan's house needs more details--both for their feelings and the place. I expected that you would describe Jameson's reaction more. I bet he didn't stay still looking at those luxury. You can add more details about what Amelia was thinking during the dinner, too. it might be interesting.
I do have a question. What is Lucy's relationship with Amelia's mother? Or did I miss it?

I hope this can help you.
Keep writing!

Regards,
Kei Angelus.

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Need More Attention for The Punctuation

The plot of this story is actually good. The opening would make readers hit the 'Next Chapter' button and the main character was quite interesting.
The biggest problem here is the punctuation. The prologue was the worst with one single long paragraph. You should start a new paragraph when there's a dialogue, and then start another one when another character speaks. This makes the story much more easy to read and you can actually add more suspense and intensity by using new paragraphs.

Just compare this :

No, don't," I pleaded. He let out a disturbing laugh. "Really? Were those your last words?" "Please," I begged him. Over and over again. "Goodbye," he grinned. And that was the last word I heard.

With this :
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"No, don't," I pleaded.

Thump.

He let out a disturbing laugh. "Really? Were those your last words?"

Thump.

"Please," I begged him. Over and over again.

"Goodbye," he grinned.

And that was the last word I heard.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I bet the tension felt different. You might want to consider using more 'enter's in your story.

I also noticed the lack of commas. They are really important because a single comma could change the whole meaning of a sentence. You might want to check this kind if punctuation examples in published books or you can check more senior writers' books here.
Lastly, your own comments in the chapters were not okay. I used to write in fanfiction.net and of course they allow it because the website is less formal and well, they are for fan fictions. But I suggest you to not include them in your story.

Anyway, this story got some potentials. I do enjoy Chapter 3, because I could feel the panic in Raine when she saw the messages. So, try to pay more attention in formatting and punctuation and I swear you story would be much better.

Regards,

Kei Angelus

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An Interesting Start

This book is in my reading list for years. I hope you are still around to see this.
The first two chapters are really interesting for me. I wonder who this Daniel was and where they were going. I also liked the interaction between the sisters.
The only thing you were lacking is the proper writing format and punctuation, especially for the first chapter.
Anyway, if you read this, I hope you're still writing.

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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A Good Way to Know About English Knights

I have to admit that English knights and war stories are not my thing. It was hard to memorize the names and there was no further descriptions about their appearance. You might have noticed that I focused on feelings and moments in my story, and you did the opposite. But it doesn't mean that this story is bad. I always think that this kind of story is the one written for adult men.
I do like how you build the atmosphere of the story. The language and words you use helps a lot. My lack of knowledge about English knights and history sometimes made it a little hard to follow, though. I don't even know if the pictures I imagined while reading the story were accurate.

Anyway, there are some suggestions I'd like to deliver. I think you can pay more attention to the use of commas. You should use it before and after addressing someone. As a scriptwriter, do understand if the dialogue you imagine in your head might sound without a comma, but we still have to use it.
When you write dialogues, don't start a new paragraph when the same person is speaking. You can separate it with 'he said', or even what this person is doing, but starting a new paragraph can confuse readers (including me).
Lastly, you commented that I wrote some long paragraphs. I personally like short paragraphs, too. But I heard that paragraphs with one sentence are actually not recommended, that is why I try not to write it too much.

Anyway, I wonder what would happen to Robert and his barons in the end.
I hope this helps :)

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Another Suicide-Prevention Story

I find stories about mental issues are interesting. Since about years ago, I am dealing with someone with depression and I could relate well with both of depressed characters and people who are dealing with them.
The two chapters are good. They made me wonder about what had actually happened. I personally don't like the idea of writing 'narrator' when you start the chapter with 3rd person point of view. Why don't you just write the info about the POV only when you write it in a character's POV? For example, Chapter 1-3 are from the narrator's POV, so just start the chapter right away, but Chapter 4 is from Hannah's POV, so you can just writer her name when you start.
I can't say much from these two chapters, but to be honest, I wonder if you were insipired by "13 Reasons Why", because there were too many similarities between the opening of this book and "13 Reasons Why", including the dead girl's name.
I hope this helps you anyway. Keep writing!

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Good for Introducing LGBT to Younger Readers

I didn't think that the story would be this short and light. Did you write it for early-teenagers? Or are you?
The idea of an agender main character is good. It's different, new, and it can make the readers understand about the term itself. Unfortunately, there was no further explanation about the term, nor about the main character's struggle & discovery about it. I know Sam was lucky for having an accepting family, but there must have been some more struggle he had been through when he had been younger. I think it would be good to extend the part when he told the readers about his discovery about himself.
I do love the ending and wish that every parents with LGBTQIA children would behave like Sam's dad. Sam's interaction with Elliott felt warm, although, as an older reader, I wish there were more details about what they were talking about, too. I also like that you mentioned the Christian belief, because I know religions could be a great challenge for religious LGBTQIA people.
About the writing technique, I have sent some feedbacks and I hope they reached you. But you should be clearer about who was talking, because I was confused and had to re-read some parts because of it.
For example, in your 3rd or 4th chapter, there is this paragraph :

"I don't like girls the way I should." He explained. "I think I'm... gay." There was a long pause before he spoke again.
"Is that a problem?"

It would be better if you write it like this :

"I don't like girls the way I should," he explained. "I think I'm... gay." There was a long pause before he spoke again. "Is that a problem?"

The new paragraph should start when another character speaks. That's why it's better to just combine the last sentence with the previous paragraph.

Anyway, I do think this story could be a good introduction about LGBTQIA to younger readers. With more details, it can be a better story. I hope this helps.
Keep writing!

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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A Moment in a Father-and-Son Relationship

The rage and struggle were real in this story. Although there was no explanation about what had happened to the boy, I believe that you wanted to deliver the chaotic feeling instead of the reason behind.
I was surprised to know that the boy was only 10 years old. I thought he would be a teenager.
The use of italic showed something different, I got confused at some, because it looked like the boy's thoughts sometimes. So I think it wouldn't hurt to emphasize that those sentences were from the past.
I like the ending. It showed that the relationship between the boy and his father might change in the future.
Good job!

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Not-so-simple feelings

I have to admit that I read this story casually and I didn't think too much through it.
I got confused by her and "her". I thought they were the same person, but one of the comments said they were different women. I don't know if it's just me or some other readers feel confused too.
I feel like you still can improve this story and add more details about the characters ad the situations that were happening and had happened.. The fact that the main character had been at the hospital, even giving his pocket money was interesting enough to explore.
You might want the readers to know more about your main character.
Anyway, keep writing!

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Alive? Or dead?

I like how you describe death in the story. The idea wasn't new, but you successfully made me feel your version of death while reading it.
Great job!

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Needs Improvement

Hello, there! Your summary caught my attention and I just got the chance to read it.
Actually, the prologue was good, but you can simply put the rest into one chapter. I think you need to write more details, too, like the interior of the coffee shop, or the house, etc.
Well, I might update the review when you write more. Keep up!

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Cold and Painful

The two words described your story quite well. The details you wrote were enough to make readers flinch and shiver. I agree with the other review, though, that the point of view change was confusing.

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Great!

I wouldn't say much. The best thing about your story is that it feels like a great mixture of poetry & prose. Great job!

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I Got That Warm Fuzzy Feeling

When I found this story in my reading list, I didn't even remember when I had planned to read it. I didn't even notice that it was a fan fiction, that was why I got confused at first. Regardless of not knowing the original story of Emergency, I like the message you tried to deliver with this story. I can't say much since I don't know the original characters, but I always like reading a scene like this.

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Kei Angelus

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Needs Improvements

Hello! The title of your story caught my attention, but I didn't realized that it was a Naruto fanfic. Fortunately, I am familiar with it.
Well, firstly, please use the proper Japanese if you want to use it. As a Japanese teacher, I knew the lines you had written in Japanese were most likely to be translated with Google. Both the grammar and word-choice were wrong.
For the idea, I think it's interesting to describe the birth (or rebirth) of someone. I actually like your opening, though you might be able to improve the paragraphs and formatting. You can always discuss with the community here.

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Another Potential YA Novel

I think readers who love Twilight or Mortal Instruments would enjoy this. Fortunately, I do love Twilight. Though there are plots I could guess along the way, just like the other typical YA novels, the story is still interesting and the world of Hleo is well-written. I like reading Hannah's struggle accepting her fate and her obsession with Ethan, but somehow there's something missing between her and Katie. Sometimes I even forgot that Hannah had a best friend she could count on. Also, I think you should add some commas in several places, for example after words like 'well' (I'm not sure what you call them in English).
Seeing the reviews this story has received, I think being published is not a dream anymore.

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Good Short Story

I didn't expect that Santa Claus would really show up and fight the creature! The details you wrote about Daniel's dream was really frightening. I could imagine how terrified Daniel was.
I like how you gave The Holly King a believable background story. It was just like completing a boy's imagination, which I think made the story consistent, considering the main character's age.
Well, I couldn't say much, but this is a good job, as expected :)

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Needs Improvements

Hello, there. I wonder why you wrote the story in a form of script. As a script writer and stage director, I would have difficulties translating your script into a play. You do need to write more explanation about the scene, the setting, and the moves that the characters have to do. But I think you'd better write this as a short story instead of a script, because it would be interesting to know what Peter had in his mind.
About the story, it might be a nice simple comedy.

Well, that's all I can say. Keep up the writing!

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Nice Short Story

Hello, there.
This story had been in my reading list for ages, but I just got the chance to read it. I personally like this story, despite of being so short. Though you didn't give us any details about Jason's past, I could imagine his failing marriage. he story left me wondering about why he had ended up being a murderer.
Well, I just want you to know what I think. Good job :)

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Needs Improvements

Firstly, the idea is actually interesting. Two men coming to the same neighborhood on the same day, one being a cop and the other one a criminal, their past was actually connected, etc. I expected something much more complicated, though, and your way of writing seemed to make everything so simple. I think you need to deepen the characters and write more details on everything. Some background stories, for example a story about why Jack ended up killing people, would be nice since readers could understand his motives and actually sympathize him (though he was a killer). I was also wondering about Crazy Woman and Hat Woman. I thought it was a part of the sinister thin about the city. You could write something about them and turn them into a bigger part of the story, too.
About the screenplay-formatted dialogues, I think it doesn't fit well. I've seen your other story, 'Welcome Back to The Show', and the format is good, but not for this one. I think you'd better turn this one into paragraphs. I also noticed some inconsistencies in the tenses and the story's point of view.

I suggest you to improve this story, since this could be really interesting.
Well, I hope this helps. Keep writing!

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Great Short Horror

Whoa, I like it!
I like how you made the horror inscreasing incident by incident. I actually didn't expect that ending, which is a good thing :)
The words you used are simple, so the story was really easy to understand, despite of one typo I found. (You might want to check it out. Sorry for not pointing it out!)
The way you divided the story into incidents is unique and I like it.
Anyway, this will be one of the horror short stories I would recommend :)

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Nice Open Ending

Hello again!
Honestly, me and my horror mind thought Dusty didn't share his food, or probably the mom ate Dusty along with the rabbit. But anyway, I like this story. Keep writing :)

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Feel Like an Opening of An Anime

For me, it was nothing new, though I do like the last line. I can already imagine this as a longer story, telling how the relationship between Tarrow & Cara would develop.

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Simple-yet-Depressive

Hello, there.
I like this story. The simple words and how short it is makes the story easy to understand. It was really sad to understand Iris' mind, but that is the point of the story. For me, the ability to make readers feel the same way as the characters is the most important thing in a story.
The friendship between Iris and Lili is interesting. Everyone needs a Lili in their lives. I like how you closed the story with a letter to her. The part about 'having coffee together everyday' (that would never happen) actually made me sad. I also like how you use Oreo as a metaphor. (Am I right?)
I found a mistake, though, and I've sent a feedback to you.
Anyway, great short story! :)

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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A Realistic View of The End of Days

Hello, there! Your story has been in my reading list for ages and I'm glad I decided to read it this week.
Though I didn't know who the main character was, it was still interesting to see his decision. I think this could be extended and become a longer story. Maybe most reader would think that this is a prologue, but this actually would be great as an epilogue, too.
I like how you made everything vague, though. I mean, I don't even know who or what the main character was and what was happening there. It was actually interesting that I could think of multiple possibilities happening in the story's universe.
Well, that's all from me. Great job :)

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Needs some work

Hello there!
Since you labelled it as WIP, I wonder where you'll take the story. Is it going to be different situations each chapter? Or is it going to be a full story based on this first poem?
I get the amazing feeling you were trying to deliver through this poem. Is this based on your own experience?
Anyway, I think you should have been consistent with the capital letter in'God'. You wrote it in capital in some parts, but not in some. You might want to check it.

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Interesting

My best friend once said that she had read somewhere that loneliness could be addicting. Once you get comfortable with it, you might not want to get out of your 'cocoon'. This story reminded me of that words. I found some of the scenes disturbing, not in the negative way, of course. And I imagined the early 'frozen rooms' could be shown beautifullly in a movie.
I always love symbolic things in the stories. And I hope I am right to interpret the jars as loneliness and the ice in the room as one's hardened heart.
I like how very short each chapter is, because I read in my spare times at work, but for some people, it might be better if you just combine them into longer chapters. Well, but the story is yours and you can make them as you please :)
Anyway, great work!

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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A Great Prologue

Hello!
I really like the opening scene and the opening line. Your poetic style of writing makes me want to read more, though I'm not really into poetic poet myself. (Do you get what I mean?)
The only problem I found is the missing comma or full stop in the direct sentence. You might want to correct it.
I'm looking forward to reading the next chapters! :)

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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A Good Story, As Usual

This is what I could expect from you :)
Though I already knew the source of the smell the moment I read what the husband was doing, it was still interesting how you would end the story. I just hope the other readers also understand what the smell was, because you made it kind of unclear there.
Well, I'm surely going to read your other stories :)

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Interesting, but needs some work

Hello!
The idea is actually interesting. I didn't expect the main character to be so twisted. I bet some people would cringe while reading this story (just like me).
The only thing bothering me is the bad formatting. You should use capital letters and add some space for new paragraphs. It's kind of hard to read for me and I got lost several times when I looked away.
Well, I'm going to try reading your other short stories, too. I hope you can fix this.
Keep writing!

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Interesting

I like how you portray Jesus and Satan as modern beings and I also like the message that Satan would never stop though he knew he would never win against Jesus (and God).I found this short story very interesting. I even considered adapting this into a short play someday (if you allow me, of course).
Well, I can't say much, but I just have to let you know what I think ;)

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Great exploration of Max's mind

This is actually my first Life is Strange fanfic and I am happy about it :)
Although I do believe in the other ending (don't get me wrong I LOVE Chloe, but the other ending would make the story much better), I like how you described how messed up Max's mind was and I could simply feel how tired they were. I also like how you write Max's alternate mind talking to her. It feels real that she would be having that side effect after all of that.
Aren't you going to continue this? I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter :)
I know this review might not help to get you better, but anyway, good job!

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Interesting

I like how simple the words you used are. They are raw and straightforward, but I think you can make the poems deeper so that the story would be clearer.
I don't have much to say, but keep going :)

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Simple yet depressing

I was surprised about how simple the words you used. I used to write poems like this too :)
The easy words actually made the poem easy to understand and 'closer' to people who have experienced it. I actually feel that your poem could be an inspiration of a short story.
Anyway, keep writing!

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Unique Story from a Monster

Wow. I always like a background story of a creature like this. I like how you described her opposition about herself. I'm still curious whether your version of Medusa was actually a human or not, but I guess it's best to leave us readers wondering, It's a bit short, indeed, but that is exactly why I read it right away :)
Since this is not my first review for you and it's clear that I like your writings, I'll gladly read your next other short stories :)

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Beautifully Written

I love how you split the story into past and present timeline simultaneously.
The description of the past is painful, but beautiful. The description of the present is somehow peaceful, but sad. It is actually nice to be able to feel such emotions in a story this short.
I think this would be great as a epilogue of a longer story.
Anyway, I can't say much, but just want you to know how I think :)

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Feels like an anime movie

I checked your profile after reading this and as I expected, you are an anime fan. This story reminded me of "Hotarubi no Mori e", to be honest. I could sense the anime-style story-telling in your story ;)
I could imagine the scenes just fine, but I still didn't get what 'people' Alicia's father talked about. I also think you should've written a description about what creature Artami turned into. (I actually imagined him as a werewolf.) I think the development of the relationship between Artami of Alicia was too fast and I didn't get how much time had passed from the first time Artami had showed up to Alicia's death.
Also, I couldn't understand the phrase : "...a bottle of deep dye Artami." Did you missed a preposition? Or was it just me?
Speaking of that dye, what was it, actually?

Oh, well, I hope this review helps somehow.

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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A New Classic Fairy Tale

I don't have much to say. It is a tragedy, just like in some classic fairy tales. Didn't expect that it would end that way, though. Just like when I read any fairy tale, I could imagine the darker version of your story, haha.
Keep writing! :)

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Atmospheric

I get the apocaliptic atmosphere here. I like how you made the end of days happened slowly and the 'disturbing' feeling I got after reading the ending : a history repeating.
The narration was short and direct, suits my taste perfectly.

Well, I know it's not a helpful review, but I just want you to know what I think :)

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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An Interesting Emotional Story

This is interesting. I have to admit that the summary grabbed me. I realized this was a story about PTSD when I read the opening parts, before you introduced the characters, and I could already imagine the pain.
I have to admit that your summary was what led me here. I liked your way of writing, with one word per sentence. I think it is great to describe the feelings, but not for the entire story. I sometimes got lost just because I didn't know whose thoughts those words were. I had to read this twice to really get the emotions.
But I don't regret it :) You wrote honestly and the feelings felt real. I do think that you should write the actions in common way and the emotions felt by the characters this way (I mean, it wouldn't hurt if you mixed them), but I like your story in general.
Oh, well, I know this is not really helping, but I just want to let you know what I think :)

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Good Short Horror

I could imagine this in the form of series that contains two stories per episodes, like Goosebumps back there when I was a kid :D
Well, I like your story overall. It was unpredictable. I always like this kind of horror where the ending is like that!
You wrote with enough details that it is not boring, though the scenes are pretty simple. I like the idea of the black square connecting 'dimensions' and I somehow imagined the man bringing the square looked like Slenderman.
Anyway, I'm sorry that I can't say much for this review. I just want to let you know what I think ;)

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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Cool!

I always like this kind of twisted story and your story is new for me. Well, I can't say much here, but I like how cruel the world had turned. Anyway, I think the breaking and entering week felt too short and I somehow feel the need to leave the characters unnamed (or maybe I was just not in focus).
Oh, but overall, I like your idea!

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Feels slow because of the short chapter?

I honestly like your Preface, but I was confused about the setting when I started reading the second chapter. When you mentioned 1969, I thought it was the setting, but then there was this smartphone. So, was it in 1969 or present time? Maybe you should give us some more details about the time.
I noticed that you said you liked your chapters short, but I think it is too little to tell in those short chapters. maybe you combine your second, third, and fourth chapter and publish it as the second chapter, but that's only my suggestion. Just do what feels right to you for your story :)

I may rewrite my review when I read the next chapters. Good luck!

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Cool classic plot twist!

Hi again :D
You got my second vote ever!
I know this kind of story is not new, and it's not my first time reading this kind of plot twist, but I love it anyway!
I don't expect the ending that Jacob was the 'bad guy' and I love how you end the story with 'history repeating'. The scene when Tyler ended up running to the orphanage again really got me. It was scary to imagine!
I couldn't think of any bad thing to write here, but maybe some people will think the chapters are too short, which is actually my preference.
Anyway, great job :D

Regards,
Kei Angelus
P.S. : I found a typo around chapter 3 or 4, but I can't remember which one (sorry for not pointing out).

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Cool!

Hello!
I'm looking for short stories to adapt into scripts, and this one is one of them :)
I think your poetry writing style is a little similar to mine. I like how you relate the Anxiety to the other emotions. I could already imagine how I can 'translate' this into a play.
So, do you mind if someday I turn your story into a script?

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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I think I'll like it!

I think the theory about Life and Death here is very interesting. It makes me want to know more about how they became like that. I also like what Life said about her sister wanting to pity herself (I love angst, haha).
I have to admit that I got lost in the middle, but maybe it was because I read it at my workplace, with my friend around, not in a better environment, lol (Or maybe it's because English is not my first language? :-( )
Anyway, I'll add this into my reading list :)

Regards,
Kei

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Feels Like Watching a Prologue of a Video Game

Wow, seriously, I think this would be great as a video game storyline. I don't mean bad. I mean, video games nowadays have great story and characters, and I can already imagine the setting and the talking commanders, and the video in the first chapter. I also like how you make me wondering about the "soldiers" with numbers there.
By the way, I don't really check the punctuation or grammar, consider me as a casual reader here :)

Regards,
Kei Angelus

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