Professor Nut and the Shocking Candy

Hey, everyone! It’s me, Colton Grey, and we’re back with another crazy experiment gone wrong. This time it’s my friend when he tries to become a candyman, like Mr. Wacky Taffy only much nuttier... I mean, crazier. I didn’t mean to make that pun. I actually hate nuts... unless it’s Nathan Nuthouse... never mind. Point is if your friend the mad scientist tries to give you candy, you should practice stranger danger and just run like your pants are on fire, unlike me who went along with it, hence the crazy experiment gone wrong.

Now wait, hold on, there’s a few things I’ve got to explain first because I know you’re going to ask about it. Why are our houses all tipped sideways? Yes, it’s because of Nathan’s crazy experiment but NOT because he used some Dr. Suess ray gun. Seriously, the next time I meet that wise guy, I’m gonna whack him. But no, the experiment that made our houses like the Leaning Tower of Pisa was a machine that made it snow--a lot. Then it all got too heavy and started moving like a glacier. Luckily, Nathan managed to melt it all with a truck he stole--uh, borrowed--before all our houses got slowly pushed down to the lake. But now we have to fix all the houses by pushing them back up and then nailing boards to the bottom to keep them from tipping back. And believe you me that is not at all fun and exciting. I only mention it because some people think having a mad scientist for a friend would be fun. It’s not. More often than not you get caught up in some crazy experiment and then you get blamed when things go wrong and then you have to clean it all up. The worst part was they wouldn’t let me and Nathan work together so that it would be at least more bearable. Actually, I’m pretty sure they were making Nathan work longer than anyone else just so he wouldn’t have time to create any more crazy experiments. I even heard they wouldn’t let him anywhere near an electric tool and he had to use a plain hammer and nails. Yes, the grown-ups in our town are that cruel.

Except, I think maybe they had the right idea because Nathan somehow, someway managed to create a new invention. And I got the first taste of it... literally.

I was waiting at the bus stop for the bus to take us to school when Nathan walked up next to me. I was pretty tired from working on houses all week but Nathan looked as fresh as a rose. Probably some energy drink he invented that kept him perky.

“Hey, Nathan,” I mumbled.

“Morning, Colton,” he replied cheerfully.

By this point, I really should have learned my lesson and not taken the bait, but I was still young and naive and filled with unlimited curiosity. “Why are you so darn happy?” I grumbled.

“Why would I need a reason to be happy?” he asked. “I think the better question is why are you so unhappy?”

I was definitely not in the mood for his philosophy games. “Well, gee,” I said sarcastically, “maybe it’s because I’ve got splinters in all ten of my fingers, I smashed both my thumbs with a hammer and I have paint on my arms that won’t wash off.”

Nathan nodded sympathetically. “Sounds like you could use a pick-me-up. Want some candy?” And that’s when he showed me that yellow lemon-shaped candy with jagged white streaks going through it like lightning. Yeah, I really should have seen that coming, but come on, who in their right mind would turn down free candy? Unless it’s from a stranger. Definitely turn down those. Anyway, I snatched this opportunity for a free trip to sweet, sweet paradise by snatching that candy before Nathan could change his mind and then I got the biggest shock of my life. No really, I’d never been shocked like this before. This feels weird to admit but I had never been one of those kids who stuck a fork in the socket or touched exposed wires on a dare. It’s all because of this one show I saw where a guy touched an electric socket and instantly turned into this creepy glowing skeleton. Since then, I’ve sworn off any and all things electric-based... except for video games, those are definitely worth the risk. Of course, with a friend like mine, it was bound to happen sooner or later, except I thought it would be an accident in his lab, but no, the jerk went and gave me candy that shocked me!

I’m not sure how long it was while I was being shaken by 10,000 volts of electricity (Nathan says it was barely five milliamps, which apparently is the real measurement for shock) and hearing an electric buzzing noise in my ear, but eventually it stopped and I noticed that everyone at the bus stop was laughing at me, including Nathan, that traitor!

“Hey, Colton,” he said in between guffaws, “...nice haircut... who’s your barber?”

Hardy har har. I didn’t have to take this, so I just folded my arms and turned my back to him.

“Oh, come on, Colton! You’re not really going to give me the silent treatment, are you? It was just a joke.”

I didn’t say anything.

“I’ve got other candy, too, if you want to see. See, I’ve got candy that make your eyes glow, some here that make your voice deeper, some that give you purple boils...”

I allllmost turned around. Almost. But I stayed strong. Nathan couldn’t just mess with me like that, no matter how cool his candy sounded. First, I wanted to hear him say sorry, and maybe watch him try some of that shocking candy to make it even. But then the bus came in, so I had to keep up the silent treatment by getting onto the bus first without looking at him. It’s actually not as easy as it sounds since everyone on our bus likes to shove each other to get in line, which makes keeping your eyes away from your traitorous best friend hard to do, but I did it. I even managed to get a seat and use my backpack to cover it so Nathan couldn’t sit next to me. I didn’t see how he reacted since I also turned my back to him, but I did hear him go, “Tch” and then go on down the bus. It wouldn’t be long before he was begging to come back to me, but I wouldn’t go easy on him because when I commit to something, nothing sways me from my path.

You know, what makes the silent treatment work best is if the person you’re giving it to tries to talk to you. It doesn’t work so great when you’re in school because then school gets all that attention you’re supposed to be ignoring. Just another way school ruins all the fun. The only time I really got to give Nathan the cold shoulder (which is a really weird expression if you ask me, but apparently that’s old fuddy-duddy for “ignore someone”) was during recess.

“What you’re still mad at me?” he cried while I smacked the tetherball. That’s another thing that’s awkward to do while keeping your back to your backstabbing friend.

I ignored him.

He sighed. “All right then. I mean I was gonna make you my partner in my candy-selling business, but I guess I’ll just have to do it on my own...”

Whoa, wait, hold the phone; candy-selling business? And he was going to make me his partner? I turned around but not too fast because I was pulling his strings, see. He was walking pretty fast though, so I hurried before he was out of earshot and said, “Okay, I guess I can forgive you.”

He turned to me with a huge grin because obviously he was glad we were friends again. Obviously. I decided not to waste time with the mushy stuff and said, “So, uh, how are we going to do this candy-selling business? And we’re splitting it 50/50, right?”

With that huge grin still on his face, he waggled his head and did a weird little step that put him balanced on one leg. “I’m so very glad you asked,” he said. “For you see, it’s all contained in this--” he tapped a briefcase he was holding in his hand, which I somehow didn’t see before, “--unassuming little compartment.”

“You mean all the candy?”

He winked at me and then waved me over and said, “Follow me.”

If he were any other strange person, I would have definitely run to get the teacher; but this was a strange person I knew, and he did promise I’d get in on his candy-selling business--not something I would take from just any old stranger, I swear. So, I followed the totally trustworthy stranger (who just so happened to be my friend) out into the middle of the field. There were a few kids kicking a soccer ball around and two girls sitting by a tree, but other than that, we were alone. That’s when Nathan held up the briefcase, winked at me, then pressed the button to open the case.

I probably should have expected it. Nathan is a whizz with machines, and I’ve seen a ton of movies like this, so I really shouldn’t have been surprised, but I don’t know, there’s something different about seeing it in real life than in a movie. See, when Nathan pressed that button, the briefcase just kind of clicked open and then started growing, spreading out all these panels and trays while legs stretched down until Nathan could set it on the ground. It went from briefcase to candy-selling stand in three seconds flat (Nathan says that it was actually 4.749 seconds, but he’s a nerd for numbers). Then he took out a cane and some black round thing that popped into a top hat. Then he started strutting around like a chicken, waving that cane and started shouting, “Come one! Come all! Come have a taste of Professor Nuthouse’s Amazing Candy!”

That drew the attention of the soccer-playing kids. They came over and said, “What are you yelling about?”

Nathan answered, “Your eyes will glow in the dark! Your voice will sound like Dark Invader! You’ll shoot fire just like a dragon! For only twenty-five cents, you can take one of Professor Nuthouse’s Amazing Candy and see what strange and amazing trick you can do with it!”

Everybody nodded their heads, looking excited to try out one of Nathan’s candies. But there’s always that one guy that has to ruin the fun, and he said, “How do we know your candy works?”

I guess it pays to be a genius because Nathan didn’t flinch at all. In fact, he grinned wider and said, “I’m so very glad you asked! For you see, my partner here,” he pointed his cane at me, “will demonstrate the effectiveness of Professor Nuthouse’s Amazing Candy before your very eyes!”

Well, call me a sucker because I fell for his whole partner line, hook, line, and sinker. I didn’t even get a chance to protest as Nathan stepped up next to his candy display and said, “I will need a volunteer to pick a candy, which my partner here will demonstrate. How about you?” It was the kid who had tried to ruin everyone’s fun. He stepped up, frowned down at the candy then pointed at one that looked like a gummy snake.

“Excellent choice!” cried Nathan. “The Incredible Growing Rope. You suck on the end and it just keeps getting longer and longer, turning different colors as you do.” He picked out a red one and handed it to me. “All right, Colton, if you will be so kind...”

I was a little nervous as I took it. Nathan’s inventions have a nasty habit of backfiring, but I’d already promised to be his partner and besides, a candy rope that only gets longer the more you suck on it didn’t sound too bad. So I stuck it in my mouth and sucked.

It was kind of like slurping up spaghetti but candy instead of pasta, except when I stopped slurping to take a breath, the end fell down to my chest. It was definitely not that long before--or green. So I took another slurp, longer this time and right when the end reached my mouth, it fell down again and this time it reached my stomach and it was purple. My mouth was full at this point, so I had to chomp it off and chew the rope in my mouth before I could try again. I sucked it as hard as I could trying to get the end of it in my mouth but soon my mouth ran out of room and I ran out of breath and that rope fell down again, almost touching the ground and with the colors yellow, blue, and orange.

"As you can see," said Nathan with a smug look on his face, "the longer you suck, the longer it gets. You can suck all day and it will just keep growing and growing! Anyone want to try my Incredible Growing Rope for themselves? One quarter is all it costs!"

That's when everyone came forward to try it for themselves, shaking out their pockets for loose change. Some of them bought the Incredible Growing Rope, but a lot of them now wanted to try the other candies to see what would happen. Pretty soon everyone was eating candies that did different things like making people puff out purple smoke, giving them spit that popped when it hit the ground, whistling songs like "She'll Be Coming Around the Mountain" either faster or slower depending on how fast they sucked on them, and making their eyes glow like a disco ball. It was pretty cool to watch them all but for me, watching the pickle jar on Nathan's candy stand filling up with quarters gave me warm fuzzies, too.

Then the bell rang. That caused everyone to scatter to their classrooms. I wanted to run too though as Nathan's partner I probably should help him pack everything up, but then I watched as he pressed a button and his candy stand just folded up and became a briefcase again. There was also a lot of candy wrappers and stepped-on candies on the ground, which I was sure we'd get in trouble for, but then Nathan pressed a button on his cane and used it to vacuum up the candy and wrappers.

"You thought of everything!" I exclaimed, impressed.

He tapped the side of his head and winked at me. "That's what being a genius is all about."

Yeah. That and inventing things that create disasters that we have to clean up afterward. I did hope that this would be one of those times when Nathan's invention didn't land us in humongous trouble, but somewhere in the back of my pessimistic mind, I wasn't holding my breath.