The Phantom Menace Humorous Version

BY: The Jedi Councils of TF.n and M&LF.b.n

How it all began....

Saturday, June 12, 1999

posted by Speak

Somebody on another message board I’m on wanted to see what would happen when we took the events of TPM and redid them in a humorous light. Partly as an experiment, I’d just like to see in what ways the two versions will differ. At the end, we can continue the story, keeping the humorous outlook if we so wish =) Please note that this is told in the present tense, because that’s how I started to write it. =)

-Speak

So Speak, as well as the legendary Darth Vacuous and Purp are the real heroes of the Humorous Versions. I only kept them alive and started a few. But if it wasn’t for them, the Humorous Versions vould not exist, and we would have no knowledge of them.

And also every person who has contributed is just as important as me.

Let’s keep this going, guys (and girls). I encourage you lurkers to show your support.

GO HVs!

-study

Darth Vacuous:

You know, it really is a pain to make space battles funny. Purp was way better at it than I was.

Good to see the younger generation’s kept things going, though. Keep it up, kids. I like what I see so far.

“Is the Dark Side stronger?”

“No. Not stronger. Quicker. Easier. More seductive. Less filling.”

A SPEAKPURPANDVACPARODY UNLMTD PRODUCTION

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away....

SC 01 EXT. SPACE AROUND NUHBOO

A TOILET ROLL appears which rolls out into infinity....

STAR WARS:

THE HUMOROUS VERSIONS

EPISODE I:

DON’T BE THE PHANTOM MENACE IN SOUTH CENTRAL WHILE DRINKING YOUR JUICE IN THE HOOD

It is a time when people are greedy (when aren’t they) and the evil TRADE FEDERATION is up to no good.

They have set up a blockade of the tiny planet of NuhBOO, because they’re upset over being taxed.

Wait a second...a Star Wars movie that’s about some tiny

planet being invaded? How important IS this planet anyway?

Will it really make a difference? Anyway, the CAMEO of the Senate has dispatched two JEDI to meet with the VELCRO and bring an end to the blockade....

The camera (yes, there’s a camera, even if this is an NES and NOT a movie) sweeps down over a star-filled field of...well, stars. It’s space. A republic cruiser flies in towards the Fedration blockade.

SC 02 INT. REPUBLIC CRUISER-COCKPIT

LI-GON: Tell them we wish to board at once.

PILOT: The ambassadors for the Cameo want to be seen at once.

STRANGE LOOKING ALIEN WHO IS JUST REALLY A

PERSON IN A RUBBER MASK: Yes, of course.

SC 03 EXT. SPACE AROUND NUHBOO

The cruiser flies into the chief ship.

SC 04 INT. BIG BAD FEDERATION SHIP-HANGAR

The two Jedi, still cloaked, walk into the meeting room together, being led by a droid which looks like C-3PO did in the famed trilogy, except this one is silver. The two Jedi take off their hoods. They’re Liam Neeson and Ewan McGregor... er, Li-Gon Gin’nTonic and Ob-Ewan McNobi

SC 05 INT. BIG BAD FEDERATION SHIP-CONFERENCE ROOM

OB-EWAN: I have a bad feeling about this.

LI-GON: That’s clever, because your first line is an immediate reminder to all the Star Wars geeks out there of a line that’s used often in the Original Trilogy, which will make them happy. But don’t worry, my young paddleone, the Velcro is a coward. These negotiations will be short.

OB-EWAN: It’s not about this mission, Master. It’s something... elusive. And what’s a paddleone?

LI-GON: Well, it’s the word George Lucas created to mean Jedi apprentice. He invented it waaaaaaay back in an early draft of the original Star Wars movie.

OB-EWAN: Oh, you are wise, indeed, Master.

SC 07 INT. BIG BAD FEDERATION SHIP-CONFERENCE ROOM

READERS: Scene 07? What happened to Scene 06?

study3600: J/k

SC 06 INT. BIG BAD FEDERATION SHIP-BRIDGE

NEWT RAYGUN and DOLT DOINGFINE stand, stunned, before NOTC-3PO.

NEWT: Whhat? What did yhou saay?

DOLT: Godzilla!

NEWT: Not yhou!

NOTC-3P0: The Ambassadors are Neeson and McGregor, I believe.

DOLT: Hi knew it! Thhey where sent to fhorce a settlemnt, eh. Blind me, we’re done for!

NEWT: Okay. (Pokes out DOLT’s eyes)

DOLT: Aaaah!

NEWT: Stay calm!

DOLT: Stay CALM?!?You just put my eyes out, you stupid--

NEWT: I’ll wager the Senate isn’t aware of the Supreme Cameo’s moves here. Go, distract them until I can contact Lord Chin.

DOLT: Are you brain dead?

NEWT: I can put out more than your eyes, you know.

DOLT: Aaah...good point. You!

NOTC-3P0: Yes?

DOLT: Sort it out, will you?

NOTC-3P0 lets out a squeaky sigh and walks off, pausing as one arm falls off.

SC 07 INT. BIG BAD FEDERATION SHIP- CONFERENCE ROOM

Li-Gon and Ob-Ewan sit at the large conference table.

OB-EWAN: Is it in their nature to make us wait this long?

LI-GON: No... I sense an unusual amount of fear for something as trivial and uninteresting to the audience of devoted eight-year-olds as this trade dispute.

OB-EWAN: I mean the stupid waiter!

NOTC-3P0 enters with a tray of drinks.

LI-GON: I told you you should have been patient.

SC 08 INT. BIG BAD FEDERATION SHIP - BRIDGE

Newt, Dolt and Rune Viiking are before the hologram of Darth Chin, a robed figure whose face is ineptly obscured by a ridiculously large hood.

DOLT: This sceme of yours has failed, Lord Chin. The blockade is finished! We dare not go against these actors.

DARTH CHIN: You seem more afraid of the audience than you do of me, Doingfine. I am amused. Velcro!

NEWT: Yes, my Lord?

DARTH CHIN: I don’t want that sack of parrot droppings in my sight again.

NEWT: Yes, my Lord.

Dolt pees himself, then drops dead of combined fear and embarrassment.

DARTH CHIN: This turn of event is entirely predictable. We must accelerate our plans, Velcro.

RUNE: Eh, my Lord, how many cliches can you cram into a scene?

DARTH CHIN: Quiet, you! Velcro, begin landing your troops.

NEWT: Ahhh, my Lord, is that... legal?

DARTH CHIN: Well, er,... no, not exactly, but I figure... (recovers composure) Never you mind!

NEWT: O-kaaay... and the Jedi?

DARTH CHIN: Make a futile attempt to kill them. We need some sort of dramatic tension here.

NEWT: Yes, my Lord.

SC 09 INT. BIG BAD FEDERATION SHIP - HANGAR

The Republic Cruiser sits still. The two bad actors inside realize there is something wrong- considering there is a huge cannon pointed at them. Just to wake the audience up the ship explodes- rather loudly.

SC 10 INT. BIG BAD FEDERATION SHIP - CONFERENCE ROOM

The two Jedi immediately jump to their feet. Gas begins entering the room.

LI-GON: Gas!

OB-EWAN: Sorry, I shouln’t have eaten that mustard!

LI-GON: We haven’t time for that now, my young paddleone. (looks at Ob-Ewan) Move your saber, for kriffs’ sake, you can’t see around it like that!

OB-EWAN: Sorry, Master.

SC 11 INT. BIG BAD FEDERATION SHIP - HALLWAY

A hologram of Newt, surrounded by tinker drones, appears in the hallway.

NEWT: They must be dead by now.

TINKER DRONE 1: Then how can we have a plot?

NEWT: Well, I... ah, well, hey, open the doors.

The door opens and a cloud of gas comes out. Silence.

TINKER DRONE 2: Maybe they are dead.

SC 12 INT. BIG BAD FEDERATION SHIP - BRIDGE

Alarms are going off all over the place, making it impossible to hear.

NEWT: What in blazes is going on down there?

RUNE: What? You wore a blazer and your underwear?

NEWT: What’s underwater? Speak up, man!

RUNE: No thanks, I just ate.

NEWT: We’re not late, we’re on schedule! WILL SOMEBODY TURN OFF THOSE KRIFFING ALARMS!?!?

No one can hear him. Newt sighs, pulls out a laser pistol, and blasts a control planel. The alarms stop.

NEWT: Now, what were you saying?

RUNE: Ahhh, sir...(points to the ruined control panel) You just opened up all the defensive barriers between the Jedi’s location and here.

NEWT: Well, I...Oh kriff!

SC 13 INT. BIG BAD FEDERATION SHIP - HALLWAY

Li-Gon and Ob-Ewan continue to knock the crap out of the tinker drones. Li-Gon walks up to the bridge door and gives it a good solid kick. It falls down with a mighty crash.

NEWT: Aw crap! Release the destroyer droids!

Two tricycle-shaped droids come rapidly down the hallway, stopping and unfolding into a laughable imitation of a threatening battle pose.

OB-EWAN: Master! Destroyers!

Li-Gon turns from where he has Newt and Rune backed up against a wall with his saber at their throats.

LI-GON: Oh, goodie.

He grabs Rune and tosses him into one of the destroyer droids, which keels over and falls apart.

LI-GON: Cheap Nematodan-made crap. Come on, my young paddleone, let’s go.

SC 14 INT. BIG BAD FEDERATION SHIP - LANDING BAY

Li-GON and Ob-Ewan come out of a ventillation shaft and drop twenty meters to the floor. Ob-Ewan twists his ankle on landing, and Li-Gon hits a stack of boxes.

OB-EWAN: Dammit!

LI-GON: Ouch!

They drag themselves to a position where they can see thousands of tinker drones entering a landing craft.

OB-EWAN: I think we have a problem

LI-GON: Yeah, they’re all going to different places

OB-EWAN:What?

LI-GON: Put in your hearing aid

OB-EWAN: huh?

LI-GON: PUT IN YOUR HEARING AID !

OB-EWAN: What was that about the braid?

LI-GON: HEAR. ING. AID

OB-EWAN: Oh. (He pulls out a small earpiece on a brown, twisty cord that now runs from his right ear to his pocket.)

LI-GON:That’s the last time I pick a Padawan who’s into heavy metal.

OB-EWAN: It’s an invasion army.

Li-Gon gives him a look.

OB-EWAN: Okay, a rather pathetic invasion army, to be sure, but still an invasion army.

LI-GON: This is an odd play for the Federation. Stow aboard a ship, we’ll meet down on the planet.

OB-EWAN: But why on earth would we want to do that, Master?

LI-GON: To keep the plot moving.

VOICE OVER: THE ATTACK CRUISER FOR NABOO AND POINTS WEST WILL BE DEPARTING FROM PLATFORM NINE AND THREE QUARTERS IN FIVE MINUTES. ALL PASSENGERS....

SC 15 INT. BIG BAD FEDERATION SHIP - BRIDGE

WHAT NOW: Sir, we’re receiving a transmission from the planet.

RUNE: It’s Queen Padme Naberrie Amidala or whatever they’re calling her this week herself.

NEWT: At last we are getting results.

On the crappy viewscreen, QUEEN ARMADILLO appears in her throne room. Wearing a massive and elaborate headdress that makes Princess Leia’s double buns look like cornrows, she sits, surrounded by the governing council and four handmaidens, Dopey, Happy, Grumpy, and Sneezy.

NEWT: Again you come before us your highness and/or Majesty. The Federation is pleased.

PICARD: Yes we are.

AMIDARILLA: You will not be so pleased when I finish these quasi-royal circumlocutions and get to the point, Velcro. Your trade boycott of our planet has ended.

Newt attempts to smirk, finds that the shape of his head doesn’t allow it, and gives up.

NEWT: I was not aware of such a failure.

AMIDRALLA: You are unaware of many things, Velcro. Like the thirty trained assassins sneaking up behind you right now.

NEWT: What the-?

He spins around, panicked.

AMDILALA:(giggles)Made you look! (Coughs, returns to the flat Royal voice) I have word that the Senate is finally voting on term limits. And this blockade of yours.

NEWT: I take it you know the outcome already-I wonder why they bother to vote.

AMILALLA: Because, Velcro, they’re paid by the hour.

NEWT: Ah, I see, yes...

AMIDALLALAA: Enough of this pretense, Velcro! I am aware that the Supreme Cameo’s ambassadors are with you now and that you’ve been commanded to reach a settlement.

NEWT: (breaking into a cold sweat) I know nothing about any Ambassadors, especially not two Jedi being played by an Irishman and a Scot. You must be mistaken.

AMADILLY: Be careful, Velcro. The Federation has gone too far.

PICARD: No we have not!

NEWT: Your Majesty, Highness, or whatever, we would never do anything without the approval of the senate unless we were commanded to by a mysterious dark figure in a robe. You assume too much.

AMIDALLY: We will see. For our royal optician comes tomorrow.

The transmission ends.

RUNE: She’s right, the Senate will never-

NEWT: It’s too late for that now. We have to have a plot, you imbecile!

RUNE: Do you think she expects an attack?

NEWT: She suspects everything. We must move quickly to disrupt all communications (pause) down (long pause) there.

RUNE: Why the pauses?

NEWT: Damn this appliance! Damn the creature shop!

SC 16 INT. NUHBOO-CASERTA PALACE - THRONE ROOM-DAY

The Queen, Dopey, Sneezy, and her Governor Some Babbler, stand before a hologram of Senator Palpitatine, a thin, kindly man who sounds a helluva lot like Darth Chin.

PALPITATINE: How could that be true? I have assurances from the Cameo, his Ambassadors did arrive. It must be (the transmission begins breaking up) a... get... nego... large fries...

The hologram sputters and fades away.

AHMEDALLA: What’s happened?

Captain Shatner turns to his sergeant.

CAPT. SHATNER: Check the... transmission... generators!

BABBLER: A communications disruption can only mean one thing. A plot device.

AMIDAALA: The Federation would not dare go that far!

PICARD: Ha!

CAPT. SHATNER: The... Senate would ... revoke their trade franchise... and then they’d... be finished!

AMMIDALA: We must continue to rely on negotiation.

BABBLER: If you say so, President Carter. We’ve lost all communications! And where are the Cameo’s Ambassadors? If this is a consular ship where are the ambassadors? How can we negotiate? We must prepare to defend ourselves.

CAPT. SHATNER: This is a... dangerous situation, Your Majesty or Highness. Our security volunteers in... Nutcracker outfits will be... no match... for a whole bunch of Federation tinker drones.

AMODOLLY: I will not condone a course of action that will lead us to war.

The sound of fighters flying overhead is heard. One wall of the throne room explodes

BABBLER: (testily) I think it’s just a BIT late for that, Your Majesty.

SC 17 EXT. SPACE AROUND NUHBOO

Six landing craft fly in formation toward the surface of the planet. One of them goes pixelated for a moment before recovering.

SC 18 EXT. NUHBOO SWAMP - TWILIGHT

Three landing craft(what happened to the other three?) descend through the cloud cover, which mysteriously parts to let them through with a nice wide margin.

OB-EWAN’s head emerges from the mud of a shallow lake.

OB-EWAN (frantically wiping his head clean of mud and small amphibians): Gaack! Ptuh! Blech!

SC 19 EXT. NUHBOO - EDGE OF A GEOLOGICALLY IMPOSSIBLE SWAMP REGION - NEW MOON

A vast army of tinker drones moves out of the swamp (Why ever did they land there in the first place?) and onto the plains, tripping from time to time. OOM-PAH, sitting in his tank, is taking orders (for whatever odd reason) from holograms of Rune and Newt.

RUNE: There is no trace of the Jedi. They probably stowed aboard a landing craft.

OOM-PAH: How can you be sure, sir?

RUNE: How many times do I have to tell you, fool, we have to have a plot!!

OOM-PAH: Oh. Right.

SC 20 EXT. NUHBOO SWAMP -ECLIPSE

Li-Gon runs through the swamp, with lots of animal-like CGI running around him, away from the mechanical-like CGI. Up ahead, there is a major character CGI.

JAB-JAB: Oh mesa guds!

LI-GON: Get down, you stupid piece of CGI!

Li-Gon runs and knocks Jab-Jab down. The robot CGI tank hovers over them.

JAB-JAB: Oh, mooie mooie, mesa love yousa! Mesa called Jab Jab Rinks! Mesa your humble marketing potential!

LI-GON(With an “Oh Force, what next” expression): That won’t be necessary.

JAB-JAB: Oyi, mooie mooie! Narf! Poit! Egad!

LI-GON: Are you brainless?

JAB-JAB(nodding cutely): Uh-huh.

LI-GON: You almost got us killed!

JAB-JAB: I spake.

MONTY PYTHON MONK: And Saint Attila spake, saying “O Lord, bless this thy Hand-Grenade, that with it--”

LI-GON: Look, clear off, will you? (to Jab-Jab) The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.

Li-Gon smiles slightly as he considers what he just said.

LI-GON: Now get out of here!

JAB-JAB: No! No! Mesa stay! Mesa yos humbule comic relief!

LI-GON: That won’t be necessary.

JAB-JAB: Oh but it tis! Tis demunded byda guds! Tis a live debbett, tis.

LI-GON (pauses): Say what?

JAB-JAB: Mesa stayin wit yous trought de whole entire moovie!

LI-GON: That won’t be necessary.

Suddenly the sound of blaster fire is heard from the back right corner of the theater. LI-GON and JAB-JAB turn to see OB-EWAN being chased by some TINKER DRONES riding STAPLERS.

LI-GON: Get down! (pushes Jab-Jab to the ground and destroys the two STAPLERS with his brightsaber.)

LI-GON: What’s wrong, Ob-Ewan? Why didn’t you use your saber against the STAPLERS?

OB-EWAN: I can’t tell you that, Master.

LI-GON: Why not?

OB-EWAN: That scene didn’t make the final cut.

JAB-JAB: You saved my again!

OB-EWAN: What’s this?

LI-GON: A nonexistant character voiced by Ahmed Best. Let’s get out of here!

They move off.

JAB-JAB: Exqueese me!

They keep running, Jab-Jab trying to keep up.

JAB-JAB: HEY YOUSA!

They stop running.

LI-GON(Impatiently) : Yes?

JAB-JAB: I know a safe place yous can go, but I can’t take you there. GlubGlub City. Tis a hidden city. I can never go back.

LI-GON: Then why are you telling us about it?

JAB-JAB: So yousa can say funny things to scare mesa.

LI-GON: You hear that?

JAB-JAB: Ya.

LI-GON: That is the sound of a thousand terrible things coming to get medieval on you.

OB-EWAN: If you don’t take us to the city, we’re not going to wait for those thousand terrible things to get here.

JAB-JAB: Yousa point is...well seen. This way, follow my!

SC 21 EXT-NUHBOO-SWAMP-EDGE OF LAKE -BREAKING DAWN-PART I

The two Jedi and the GlubGlub come to the edge of a lake.

JAB-JAB: Wesa going under water now, okeyday?

JAB-JAB climbs onto a diving board set up at the waters edge. He gives a yell as he gracefully does a double somersault with a half twist and dives into the water. Near the lake, three JUDGES hold up three SIGNS reading 10, 9.5 and 8.

OB-EWAN and LI-GON give each other a look, then pull out their Jedi Breathers.

OB-EWAN: Holy Plot Convenience, JediMan.

LI-GON: Into the water, Boy Padawan.

Breathers on, the Jedi wade in after JAB-JAB.

SC 22 EXT. NUHBOO LAKE - UNDERWATER-BREAKING DAWN-PART II

LI-GON and OB-EWAN swim behind JAB-JAB. And swim. And swim, JAB -JAB never giving a thought as to how the JEDI are able to hold their breath this long, obviously not knowing about the breathers. OB-EWAN and LI-GON’s robes are floating up all in all sorts of crazy ways above them, slowing them down with significant drag, allowing JAB-JAB to get way out in front. LI-GON and OB-EWAN use force-speed to burst forward to catch up. OB-EWAN realizes he forgot to clean out his breather from the last time he used it (in the swamp) and he begins to feel sick. They go on like this, JAB-JAB happily swimming along and whistling to himself (yes somehow he can whistle underwater), for about another half hour, OB-EWAN trying to keep down bile, and trying simultaneously not to spit his breather out when up in the distance is GLUB-GLUB CITY, an art-deco city of bubbles. JAB-JAB swims through the membranous wall of an opening and the JEDI follow.

SC 23 INT. GLUBGLUB CITY-SQUARE-LIFE AND DEATH

GLUBGLUBS in the square gawk when the bone-dry JEDI come through the membrane. Four GUARDS armed with taser-poles ride two-legged KABOOMS into the square. The GUARDS, led by CAPTAIN CARPALS, aim their tasers at the trio.

JAB-JAB: Heysa derer Captain Carpals, Mes back!

CARPALS: Noah Wylie, Jab-Jab. Yousa goin ta da Goblin Kingses. Yousa in a big pile of bantha pudu dis time.

CAPTAIN CARPALS zaps JAB-JAB with 5,000 volts of electricity and he drops to the ground. CARPALS slaps cuffs on JAB-JAB.

JAB-JAB: How wude!

SC 24 INT. GLUB-GLUB CITY-HIGH TOWER BOARD ROOM-GOBLIN KING’S JUDGMENT SEAT-MIDNIGHT SUN

BOSS NASTY, THE GOBLIN KING, sits on his judges’ throne, surrounded by GLUB-GLUB OFFICIALS.

LI-GON and OB-EWAN stand before him. Off to the side, JAB-JAB sulks, surrounded by GUARDS.

BOSS NASTY: I know who you are, Thorin, son of Thrain, son of Thror, King Under the Mountain. Only you don’t have a mountain, which makes you nothing, really. You know, there’s a price for your head. Just your head, nothing attached.

One of the OFFICIALS leans over and whispers into his ear.

BOSS NASTY: Oops, pardon me. Yousa cannot bees hair. Dis army of mackaneeks up dere is you, weesaw.

LI-GON: A droid army is about to attack the NuhBOO. We must warn them.

BOSS NASTY: Weesa don’t like the NuhBOO. What have they done for us? We used to be deir slaves. Thosa were bombad days gone past. Theysa tink deir better den us. They have deir lappytops and deir smartiephones and deir sattelitie televisions. Dey think deir brains as big as da Einstein. And Isa don’t even know whosa dat is.

OB-EWAN: Once they take control of the surface they will take control of you.

BOSS NASTY: Mesa no tink so. Dey not know of ussen!

Lion King music starts up.

OB-EWAN: You and the NuhBOO form a symbiote circle of life in a hoop that never ends. When you die your bodies become grass, and the NuhBOO eat the grass, or at least their dogs and cats and cattle do. What goes around comes around. Do unto others what you would like to have done unto you and the world will be a better place. Peace love and flowers man.

BOSS NASTY: Enough of your philisophical mumbo jumbo. Wesa going to speed yous away.

LI-GON(Waving his hand): We could use a transport.

BOSS NASTY: Wesa give yousa una Timbrel. The fastest way to get to da NuhBOO is going tru da planet’s sore. Now, go!

LI-GON: Thank you for your time, we leave in peace (bows).

They start to leave and pass JAB-JAB, who beckons to them.

JAB-JAB: Desa settin yousa up. Goin through the planet’s sore is disgusting and smelly and dangerous...sa. Any help here would be hot.

OB-EWAN: Master, we’re short on time.

LI-GON: What is to become of Jab-Jab Rinks here?

BOSS NASTY: Hesa to be sliced up and fed to the fishies for breaking the nocombackie rule, but so as not to upset the little kids in the audience, wesa say hesa to be...pyunished.

LI-GON: I saved his life. He owes me what you call a life debit. Your gods demand that his life belongs to me now.

BOSS NASTY: Rinksss, yous housa havsa nafsa lifey playee with dissen hissen nissen?

JAB-JAB(nods): Uh, huh.

BOSS NASTY: Begone wit him! Good riddance....sa!

JAB-JAB is released and as the three start to walk away, OB-EWAN looks at LIGON.

OB-EWAN: Master, what’s a timbrel?

LI-GON: A small hand-drum. Hopefully, they are using the name to mean some type of submarine. Let’s go.

JAB-JAB: Count me outta dis one. Better dead here than deader in da sore. Oy! What mesa sayin!

SC 25 EXT. GLUBGLUB CITY - UNDERWATER -SUB-FUTURE

A circular hoop with a head of parchment stretched over it and bells and jangles fixed at intervals around it bursts out of the membrane of the Glubglub City hangar bay, leaving the glow of the settlement in the distance.

SC 26 INT. TIMBREL COCKPIT-UNDERWATER

OB-EWAN is in the co-pilot seat, JAB-JAB guides the craft.

JAB-JAB: Dis is nutsen!

OB-EWAN passes him a package of complimentary peanuts.

OB-EWAN: Oh, want one?

Whack

Li-Gon thwacks his paddleone upside his head.

OB-EWAN: Master, why do we keep dragging these pathetic lifeforms along with us?...Here, take over.

Whack

LI-GON: He’s a humanoid, with intelligence, just like you. He’s not a pathetic lifeform.

JAB-JAB: Hey, where wesa goin?

OB-EWAN (nastily): Why don’t you tell us? You’re the navigator.

Whack

LI-GON: The Force will guide us.

JAB-JAB: Ooo maxi big da force! Well dat smells stinkowiff!

Whack

OB-EWAN: Don’t insult the Force you sniveling-

Whack

LI-GON: Don’t strike our navigator. My apologies, Jab-Jab.

OB-EWAN: Some navigator! He got us lost!

Whack

OB-EWAN grumbles.

Whack

LI-GON: Don’t grumble. I don’t like grumblers.

OB-EWAN (Sighs): So why were you banished Jab-Jab?

JAB-JAB: Mm. because I’m....clumsy. I boomed the gasser, then I crashed into the Goblin King’s hay-blibber. Long story short.

OB-EWAN: Run that by me again? You were banished for what?

JAB-JAB: Booming the gasser and crashing into the King’s hay-blibber.

OB-EWAN: Oh, never mind.

As the sub sloshes its way through the sore, a large fish starts to follow them.

Suddenly there is a loud CRASH, and the little drum lurches to one side, jangling and ringing its bells fiercely. LI-GON looks around and sees a huge, luminous OPERA ANGLERFISH has hooked them with its long gooey tongue.

LI-GON: Damn the fishies! Full speed ahead!

Instead of full ahead, JAB-JAB turns the craft upside down and reverses it, then the sub flies into the mouth of the creature. OB-EWAN then angrily wrests the controls from JAB-JAB and the TIMBREL is released, and turned right-side up.

JAB-JAB: Wesa free!

OB-EWAN: No thanks to you!

Whack

As the sub zooms away they see a larger set of jaws munching on the OPERA ANGLERFISH. The jaws belong to the incredible SANDY LEVIATHAN. The lights on the TIMBREL begin to flicker on and off in Morse code and the Bells and jangles start playing Jingle Bells as they sludge deper and deeper into the SORE.

LI-GON: You know I could think of a pretty brilliant one-liner to use here but...nah, forget it.

SC 27 INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP –BRIDGE

NEWT and RUIN stand before a hologram of DARTH CHIN.

NEWT: The invasion is on schedule, My Lord.

CHIN: That’s good. I have the Senate bogged down in procedures. They will have no choice but to accept your control of the system.

Suddenly there is a shrill ring. CHIN takes out his cell phone.

CHIN (into phone): Yes, Lord Bludgeon, I’m a tad busy talking to my hapeless dupes right now. (Pause) Really? Well that’s interesting. (Laughs) Well doesn’t that beat all? Well I have to go, I have pressing business. (Pause) Yes, you too. (Pause) Ok. Bye.

Hangs up, puts phone away.

CHIN (cont’d): That was…an underling. Continue with your report.

NEWT: The Queen has great faith the Senate will side with her.

CHIN: Queen Imadoll is –

Cell phone rings again. Chin answers it.

CHIN (into phone): Yes, Cameo Valium, uh, I believe the Ambassadors you sent have just about completed their mission. I’ll give you a full report tomorrow. Bye!

He hangs up and puts the phone away. NEWT and RUIN give each other quizzical looks.

CHIN (Cont’d): -young and naïve. You will find-

Cell phone rings again. Chin angrily answers.

CHIN: WHAT DO YOU WANT LORD BLUDGEON?! ….. Oh…..Ooohhh..sorry about that. Yes I’ll take care of that as soon as possible….. Yes I will do that too. Ok. Bye.

He hangs up, puts phone in robe.

CHIN (Con’t): - controlling her will not be difficult. You have done well.

NEWT: Uh…thank you, My Lord.

DARTH CHIN fades away.

RUIN: You didn’t tell him about the missing Jedi.

NEWT: What are you, nuts? Let’s wait til we have something to report.