Chapter 1
A SPEAKPURPANDVACPARODY UNLTD PRODUCTION
A long time ago in the twisted mind of the JC...
SC 01 EXT SPAVE (What the hell is spave??)
A sea of stars serves as the backdrop of a Sham-Wow roll on which is scrawled, in yellow crayon, the MAIN TITLE CRAWL, which has a habit of crawling into infinity....
STAR WARS:
THE HUMOROUS VERSIONS
EPISODE II
ATTACK OF THE CLOWNS
It is a period of unrest in the United States. Several southern states have seceded
from the union led by rebel leader ....
wrong story.
It is a period of unrest in the Galactic Senate. Several solar systems , under the leadership of Count Vlad Doodo, have declared theier intentions to secede from the Republic.
The Confederist-er, separatist movement has made it hard for the United Nations, er, Jedi to maintain peace and order in the galaxy.
Da Da Da Da da Da DA DA DA DA DA DAAAA DA
Senator Ami-Dahli Lama is returning to Coronat to vote on the issue of creating an army of the Republic to help the jedi maintain peace......
.....notice the prequel title crawls are long and unexciting?
SC 02 EXT HAMMERANDSICKLEUSCANT-LANDING PLATFORM
As Ami-Dahli’s ship prepares to land, two NuhBOO Guards, who have already landed, got out of their starfighters.
CAPTAIN TYPHOON: Glad that went-
OTHER NUHBOO GUARD: -SSSHHH!! Don’t say it!
Ami-Dahlee gets out of the ship uneventfully, while a nearby bounty hunter curses her luck, her obvious opener lost.
SC 03 INT.-PALPITATINE’S OFFICE-DAY
PALPITATINE sits at his desk with two red clad Royal Guards from Return of the Jedi guarding the door.
Yoga, Mace Windy, Purp and other members of the Jedi Council sit across from him.
PALPY THE SLIMY: Something must be done. The Senator from Naboo has been attacked.
THE ENTIRE OFFICE IN CHORUS: WHICH ONE!?
AUDIENCE: hopefully.
PALPITATINE: Ami-Dah, oh hell, Amidala, sadly.
YOGA: Attacked, she has *not* been. Uneventfully, she has arrived. Check your script.
As Palpatine checks his script, Mace adds with renewed hope:
MACE WINDY: So Rinks-
YOGA: No, sadly, injured Rinks was not. Injured, nobody was. An excuse to put Streetwalker with Patme, we need, or screwed, we are. Nowhere, can the plot go without it.
PALPITATINE: Now I will come to our secession and military creation problem. I don’t know how much longer I can put off the vote. More and more star systems are joining the Confeder- er seperatists.
MACE WINDY: If they do break away...
PALPITATINE: Then this republic will crumble like dust, even after thousands of years. Everything is proceeding as I have forseen.
(cackles) UHHM....OOPS. I was only..um..considering what might happen...uhhm, anyway, I will not let this Republic be split in two. My negotiations will not fail!
BABBLER: Whatever you say, President Carter. We’ve lost all communications. And where are the Cameo’s Ambassadors? If this is a consular ship, then where are the ambassadors?
YOGA: Wrong Humerous Version, study.
study3600: Riiight.
MACE WINDY: If your negotiations fail, you must realize that there aren’t enough Jedi to protect the Union-er, Republic.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN: We must keep this Union together at all costs.
PALPITATINE: Master Yoga, do you really think this will come to war?
YOGA: Worse than war, I fear...much worse.
PURP: FEAR is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to Jar-Jar bashing. Jar-Jar bashing leads to the reduction of Gungun character roles.
YOGA: Oh! Fear, did I say. I meant “am concerned”.
PURP: But you said fear.
YOGA(waves hand): It was a mere slip of the tongue.
EVERYBODY IN ROOM: It was a mere slip of the tongue.
YOGA(to himself): Ooh. my own Force strength I know not. (To everyone):The Dark Side clouds everything. Impossible to see, the future is-but I am sure of- uh, never mind.
PALPITATINE: Sure of what?
YOGA: Nothing.
PALPITATINE: Does it concern me?
YOGA: No, some other guy who is dashing and good with a sabre. A trimmed beard, has he.
PALPITATINE: You mean my appre- er, the rebel Count Doodu?
Just then, a Rodian appears in a hologram:
RODIAN: The Loyalist Committee has arrived.
PALPITATINE: Good. Send them in.
In walks PATME AMIDALLYLIAH and some others.
YOGA: Alive, seeing you, warm feelings to my heart brrings, Senator Amidalalala.
GL: Check your script. You don’t say this line backwards.
As Yoga checks his script, PATME sdays:
PATME: I want to know who’s trying to kill me.
WINDY: Our intelligence reports point to disgruntled spice miners from Kessel.
PATME: Bull! I think Count Doodu is behind it!
KI-ADI-MONEY-MONEY: Count Doodu is a political ideallist, not a murderer.
WINDU: You know M’Lady, Doodu was once a Jedi. He couldn’t kill anyone.
PATME: You mean wouldn’t.
WINDU: Yeah, wouldn’t. What are you an English teacher?
anyway, it’s not in his character.
PALPITATINE: May I suggest that the Senator be placed in the protection of your graces. An old friend like (gives Patme a devilish look) Master McNobi.
PATME gets a dreamy look in her eyes.
PATME: Oh, this is most necessary, Chancellor.
PALPITATINE: And without major frustration, Streetwalker will never.....mind. I’m sure he won’t disobey an executive order.
SC 04 INT. SENATE CHAMBER-DAY, THOUGH THERE ARE NO WINDOWS IN THE BUILDING, SO WE CAN’T TELL IF IT’S DAY OR NIGHTThe senate chamber is abuzz with conversation.
MAMMAMIA: Order. The creation of an army is the issue. That is what we’ll vote on.
The Vulcan senate box moves toward the high chair, which Supreme Cameo Palpitatine is in.
SAREK: Permission to speak, Cameo.
PALPITATINE: The chair recognizes the honorable representative from the planet Vulcan.
SAREK: I have learned that there was a failed attempt on Senator Amidahli’s life prevented by Captain Typhoon, who decided not to jinx the mission by saying “We made it. I guess I was wrong. There was no danger at all.”
The Talaxian senate box blows up.
SAREK: It would only be logical to create an army to help deal with these rebels.
SENATOR ASK ME: How many more annoying fur-covered aliens will die before this civil strife ends? We muzz confront these rebels now and we certainly need an army to do it.
FREE ORNTAAS: The Republic needs more security.
MELMAC SENATOR: I concur.
ALIEN SENATOR: So do I.
ORK SENATOR: NANU!
PALPITATINE: We will discuss this later. study lost the script.Need I remind you that our objective is peace, not war.
PATME: At all costs, avoid war.
CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND SENATOR: I agree. Peace, not war.
ILLEGAL ALIEN SENATOR JOSE RICARDIO: No, Amigos, no war.
EVERYONE (EXCEPT THE SENATORS MENTIONED EARLIER WHO WANTED AN ARMY): NO WAR! NO WAR! NO WAR!
MAMMAMIA: ORDER! ORDER IN THE SENATE CHAMBER!
Everyone shuts up.
PALPITATINE: The chair now recognizes Patme Amidalala of NuhBOO.
PATME: Less than an hour ago, someone attempted to make an attempt to assassinate me back there on the landing platform. Fortunately, Typhoon didn’t say:
SAREK, SENATOR SPEAK and MAMMAMIA: DON’T SAY IT!
PATME: We made it. I guess I was wrong, there was no danger at all.
Melmac Senate box explodes, sending ALF screaming to the bottom of the Senate chamber, on fire. His yell can be heard clearly: DIAL TEN TEN TWO-TWENTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!!
PATME: This is fun! We made it. I guess I was-
PALPATATINE: Enough! Amidaley, cut the crap and continue your speech.
PATME: Oh yeah, heh. (Calms down) I believe this security measure was also the target. I have led the opposition to create an army...but there is somebody in this body who will stop at nothing to assure its passage...
PALPITATINE (Nervous): You’ve got nothin’ on me! I have rights! I have powerful lawyers! How dare you accuse me of being a Sith Lord. I-
PATME (Embarrassed): Oh, not you...right?--of course not..wait(She scrutinizes him) hmmm..hard to say.
PALPITATINE (Waves his hand): It isn’t me.
PATME: It isn’t me.
PALPITATINE(under his breath): Good enough.
PATME: I warn you, if create this army you do, follow, war will. Hehe. How’s my Yogaspeak? Hehe. Ahh. I have experienced the misery of war first hand. It looks cool in a movie, but it’s a b**ch.
All the senators are asleep.
PATME: WAKE UP! WAKE UP! Lives will be lost. Vote down this measure, which is nothing less than a declaration of war!
Everyone wakes up.
EVERYONE: WAR! NO! HOW DO WE AVOID IT?!
PATME simmers. She gives up. For now.
PALPITATINE: Due to the lateness of the hour and the fact that this scene has lasted forever, we will take up these matters tomorrow, so goodnight you pawns.
All eyes are on PALPITATINE. Silence fills the chamber.
PALPITATINE: Slip of the tongue. Until tomorrow, the Senate stands adjourned.
SC 05 INTERIOR-APARTMENT BUILDING-ELEVATOR-TWILIGHT
We finally see Hayden and Ewan, as Manakin Streetwalker and Ob-Ewan McNobi
OB-EWAN: You seem on edge. You haven’t been this tense since we fell into that nest of Gundarks.
MANAKIN: What are Gundarks?
OB-EWAN: You know...those creatures that... that it’s a bad thing to fall into a nest of.
MANAKIN: Oh. It’s just that I haven’t seen her in ten years.
OB-EWAN: Just relax. Take a deep breath. Clear your mind.
MANAKIN: I can’t. Patme is all I ever think about.
In slow-motion, duel of the fates music blaring, OB-EWAN’s open hand comes down and strikes the back of MANAKIN’s head.
W - h- a- c- k
MANAKIN: Ow! Why the hell do you always hit me, Master? Where did you pick up this habit?
OB-EWAN: Let’s just say there’s always a bigger fish.
The elevator opens. JAB-JAB RINKS walks into the corridor, where MANIKIN and OB-EWAN step out. He recognizes OB-EWAN and rushes to shake his hand. OB-EWAN throws a left hook that connects with JAB-JAB’s elongated snout. JAB-JAB falls to the floor, nose bleeding.
OB-EWAN: It’s you again. Hi.
JAB-JAB gets up.
JAB-JAB: Yousa gotten any Kleenex?
MANAKIN walks toward him with a box of Puffs.
JAB-JAB: Oh thank yousa, I-
MANAKIN suddenly drops the box and gives him a right. JAB-JAB falls to the floor, squealing like a Glub-Glub. MANAKIN brings him the tissue.
MANI: Here.
JAB-JAB: Mani? Little Mani? Little bitty Mani? (Looks at MANAKIN.) Noooooo. Yousa biggen! Yiyiyiyyi! Mani!
MANAKIN gives his a tremendous Force-push and sends him careening down the hall and down a flight of stairs.
INT. PATME’S APARTMENT-STILL TWILIGHT
JAB-JAB( with a cast on his left arm and a neck brace): Lookie here Senator. Desa Jedi arriven!
PATME kicks him in the crotch, and he doubles up in pain.
JAB-JAB(gasps): Why mesa always da one.
Meanwhile OB-EWAN EYES PATME. MANAKIN also eyes PATME. PATME eyes OB-EWAN. MANAKIN notices PATME looking at OB-EWAN and glares at OB-EWAN. PATME sees MANAKIN glaring at OB-EWAN and remembers how much that pervert MANAKIN likes her and frowns. Meanwhile, OB-EWAN, meanwhile has kept his eyes on PATME the whole time.
OB-EWAN: Why are you frowning?
PATME: Well you’re handsome, and sexy at that, but Manakin - well, Manakin will always be that little boy I knew on Patootie.
She pinches MANAKIN on the cheek.
TYPHOON: The situation is more dangerous than the Cameo is willing to admit.
PATME: I want to know who gave me this bad dialogue.
OB-EWAN: We can only protect you. We can’t fight a war for you.
PATME: You mean you can’t start an investigation for me.
OB-EWAN: WE can’t.. oh yes, right.
MANAKIN: We’ll find out who was trying to kill you. I promise.
Whack
OB-EWAN: Are you deaf? We will not exceed our mandate, young paddleone.
MANAKIN: I meant only in the interest of protecting her, Master.
OB-EWAN: I will not go through this again, Manakin. We will do exactly as the Council ordered. Pay attention to my lead.
MANAKIN: Why?
Whack
OB-EWAN: What, boy, what? C’mon boy, just say “why” again.
MANAKIN: Why?
Whack
OB-EWAN: Okay you little sh**, why what?
MANAKIN: Why is Purp scaling the building and looking through the window?
OB-EWAN: Beats the hell out of me. You will learn your place, young one.
SC 06 EXT-CORUSHRIMPSCAMPI-NIGHT
ZAM-BAM WEASEL: I was going to hit the ship but Captain Typhoon didn’t jynx the landing by saying “I was wrong. There was no danger after all. We made it.
Nearby a speeder blows up and crashes to the ground.
A mysterious MANDOLORIAN gives her a tube of deadly worms.
MANDO: There can be no mistakes this time.
SC 07 EXT.CORUSCANTOO-PADME’S APARTMENT-NIGHT
OB-EWAN: Captain Typhoon has more than enough men downstairs. No assassin would try coming in that way.
MANAKIN jumps startled, and turns to face OB-EWAN
OB-EWAN: So, what’s cracking?
MANAKIN: Nada. This place is dead. Let’s blow this joint and head out to a club.
OB-EWAN (looking over at the monitor):What’s going on?
MANIKIN (looking back at the security monitors, now blank): She’s covered the security monitors. And just as she was taking her bra off. Poodu.
OB-EWAN: Be mindful of your hormones, Paddleone. And, she’s out of your league, pal.
MANAKIN: Yeah, I figured that when she said I’d always be the little boy she knew on Patootie.
OB-EWAN (smiling): Yeah, that was a kick in the ol’ lightsaber-and-batteries. But you looked-hah, sooo cute when she-heh,heh- pinched you on the cheeks HAHAHA!!
MANAKIN watches OB-EWAN laughing for a few minutes. Eventually, OB-EWAN seems to get a grip on himself.
OB-EWAN: Oh dear. That was funny. Still, she shouldn’t have covered the cameras.
MANAKIN: She programmed Artoo to warn us if there is an intruder. Don’t worry, Master, I programmed Artoo to record everything she does on his holo-recorder, so we won’t have missed anything important.
OB-EWAN: Good call, my young Paddleone. We can watch it later.
MANAKIN: We want to catch this assassin, don’t we Master?
OB-EWAN: You’re using her as bait?
MANAKIN: It was her idea.
LI-GON: Actually, it was my idea. I did that in The Phantom Menace - The Humourous Version.
OB-EWAN and MANIKIN turn to see the shimmering blue ghost of Jedi Master LI-GON JINN AND TONIC.
OB-EWAN and MANIKIN: Master Li-Gon??
OB-EWAN: But I saw you die on NuhBOO.
LI-GON: And if you remember, my old Paddleone, I said even then that you would die and become a blue ghost.
OB-EWAN: But Master, you are the one that became a ghost.
LI-GON: Never fear, my old Paddleone, your time shall come. But now I must leave, before GL realises that I’m here. Remember, my young friends.... there’s always a bigger fish.
LI-GON’s ghost slowly fades away. OB-EWAN and MANAKIN look at each other for a moment before continuing.
OB-EWAN: Soooo.. this bait plan you were talking about.
MANAKIN: Don’t worry, Master, no harm will come to her. I can sense everything going on it that room.
OB-EWAN: Everything?
MANAKIN grins
MANAKIN: Trust me.
OB-EWAN: It’s too risky. Besides, your senses aren’t that well attuned, my young apprentice.
MANAKIN: Oh no? Well, let me tell you what she’s doing right now....
MANIKIN leans forward and whispers into OB-EWAN’s ear. OB-EWAN’s eyes widen in shock.
Whack
OB-EWAN: You little perve...
SC 08 EXT - OUTSIDE THE CORUSCANHARDLY BOUNTY HUNTERS’ SINGLES CLUB - NIGHT
ZAM-BAM places the poisonous scorpions into a assassin droid and sends it on its way.
SC 09 EXT - BALCONY OUTSIDE PATME’S APARTMENT - STILL NIGHT
MANIKIN looks out into the night sky. He looks tired.
OB-EWAN: You look tired.
MANAKIN: I don’t sleep well anymore.
OB-EWAN: Because of your mother? Awww, does the wittle Paddlone miss his mommy?
MANAKIN looks sad and nods reluctantly
MANAKIN: I don’t know why I keep dreaming about her.
OB-EWAN: Well, you know what Freud would say about that.
MANAKIN looks confused.
MANIKIN: Freud?
OB-EWAN: Nevermind.
They look at each other
MANAKIN: I felt it too!
SC 10 INT. AMIDAHHHHHHHLA’S ROOM. NIGHT.
MANAKIN rushes in with his lightsaber and kills the scorpions, waking PATME up with a start. OB-EWAN tears through the window and grabs the probe droid.
MANAKIN (to Patme): Are you OK?
PATME: Oh, sure. A lightsaber at close range, right next to my face. Better than Botox, I hear.
SC 11 INT. THE LIVING ROOM OF PATME’S APARTMENT. NIGHT.
On the holovidscreen, Zreebo O’Really’s nightly news-discussion show is on. Topic- the seccession of the Republic.
GUEST: And so, I think the Republic isn’t perfect but it’s worked for a thousand-”
O’Really cuts him off.
O’REALLY: We have recieved word that there’s been an attempt on Senator Amidaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhla’s life, and Jedi Knights are now in pursuit of a suspect bounty hunter. Since we here at Flox News know which side our ratings bread is buttered on, we are now abandoning serious discussion of the issues of the day in favor of live coverage of the chase.”
CUT TO: GERAWFUL RIVIABLO, giving live pursuit of the chase. Or chasing the pursuit. Or covering the chase/pursuit. Whatever. Inexplicably, the audio track is overlaid with the sound of a helicopter. He is following OB-EWAN, who is hanging on for dear life to AN ASSASSIN DROID.
ASSASSIN DROID: (Sith probe droid noise from TPM).
OB-EWAN: Hey, take that back!
ASSASSIN DROID: (raspberry)
OB-EWAN: Well, (Imperial code from ESB)!
The droid runs into a building on purpose, smashing the fingers on OB-EWAN’s left hand.
OB-EWAN (sucking his fingers and using his free hand to hold on): Damn you little (whistle, click, toot)!
The Probe droid zaps OB-EWAN, causing him to nearly lose his grip
OB-EWAN: Okay, I take it back!
Riviablo follows the chase,
RIVIABLO: Well, O’Really, that would be either Anakin Skywalker or (looks at paper) Otis-One Kanobby* dangling from the probe droid-
-Yes, I believe it’s Kanobby hanging on-
Meanwhile MANAKIN has found a car and is dodging in and out of traffic, his radio on full blast turned to WWHGY, 187878 GM (Galactic Modulation), (a hard rock station), banging his head and making the ‘hail Satan’ sign.
MANAKIN: Wait, I?m supposed to be helping my Master. Wait, screw him-I?m having FUN-Oh, right, Patme.
He swerves the car around and speeds off. As he flies around another car pulls up beside his car, and two hot alien chicks start winking and licking their lips at him. MANAKIN watches, panting. He winks back. The girls giggle.
The PROBE DROID whizzes past him, OB-EWAN clinging to it.
OB-EWAN: MANAKIN YOU A**HOLE! GET THE HELL OVER HERE AND SAVE ME!
MANAKIN: Oh, yeah-be right with you!
He pulls out a pad and pen from the glove compartment and scrawls his number. He rips off the sheet and hands it to the ladies.
MANAKIN: Call me. (Winks again)
He continues on his way, then-
MANAKIN: ****!
The traffic light in front of him is red
OB-EWAN whizzes past him again.
OB-EWAN: Screw the light, and get your a** OVER HERE!
MANAKIN pulls out of traffic, follows OB-EWAN and loses him again.
ZAM BAM sees OB-EWAN coming and aims her rifle at the DROID.
Meanwhile, MANAKIN sees a huge Victoria?s Secret ad that leaves nothing to the imagination (The woman is completely naked and holding her bra and panties in front of her with her four arms).
High above, ZAM shoots the DROID. It explodes and OB-EWAN falls.
RIVIABLO: -oops, he’s just fallen off, let’s go in for a closer look- whoa, someone almost crashed into me there- I’m Gerawful Riviablo.”
MANAKIN ogles the ad as OB-EWAN falls head first into the back seat.
OB-EWAN:What took you so long?
MANAKIN: I couldn’t find a speeder I like. And some nut in a news hovervan almost crashed into me!
Anakin turns around, and smiled and waves at the camera, with predictable comments.
OB-EWAN: Why do I have the feeling you’re going to be the-(sees ad) MANAKIN, stop looking at Victoria’s Secret ads and follow that bounty hunter!
MANAKIN(Still looking at the ad): What bounty hunter?
OB-EWAN turns MANAKIN’s head around
OB-EWAN: The female one with a rifle that’s getting away.
MANAKIN turns his head back to the ad.
MANAKIN: Later.
Whack
Whack
OB-EWAN: NOW!
MANAKIN sulks and obediently takes off after ZAM.
OB-EWAN: If you spent as much time working on your sabre skills as you do ogling women, you would rival Master Yoga as a swordsman.
MANAKIN: I could take on two Yogas.
OB-EWAN: Bull.
MANAKIN: I could take on Yoga, Doodu, Vacuous, Li-Gon, Windy, Bludgeon, Marcus and you all at the same time without even breaking a sweat!
OB-EWAN stares ahead of the car while MANAKIN talks.
OB-EWAN: Manakin.
MANAKIN: I could wield two double-bladed brightsabres! I could twirl them like batons. I could take on a whole army! I could wield three brightsabres at once!
OB-EWAN(points): MANAKIN! LOOK OUT!
MANAKIN’s speeder dives just in time to avoid hitting a large bus.
MANAKIN: I saw it.
OB-EWAN: Pay attention to the road!
MANAKIN: Oh right, you don’t like flying. Hey look, no hands!
MANAKIN takes both hands off the wheel.
OB-EWAN: MANAKIN! Never do that again!
MANAKIN: Can I do this?
The speeder does some barrel rolls and loop-the-loops.
OB-EWAN(Gripping his seat with both hands, knuckles white): NO! Let me drive! What you’re doing is suicide!
MANAKIN: Oh, this is suicide, Master.
MANAKIN heads for a head-on collision with another speader, driven by a Dug.
MANAKIN: So, Sebulbous, we meet again.
SEBULBOUS: Jedi Pudu!
MANAKIN, done playing Chicken, dodges left, then goes into a steep dive.
MANAKIN: YEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAA !!!!
OB-EWAN: ohsithohsithohsith...
Riviablo follows the chase
RIVIABLO: -LOOK AT THAT DIVE!! I haven’t seen anything like that since the O.K. Sim-Pson chase! I’m Gerawful Riviablo!
The news van groaned and creaked as Gerawful tried vainly** to keep up with Manakin.
RIVIABLO: Looks like the bounty hunter- we don’t know his, her, or it’s name yet- has activated that power coupling- will Streetwalker fly *through* it, or jink two feet over it- nope, he’s FLYING THROUGH IT!! ISN’T THIS GREAT, FOLKS!! SO MUCH COOLER THAN THOSE TALKING HEADS AT THE STUDIO!!!!
Cut back to FLOX NEWS STUDIO, and The Guest, a Futurama-style talking head "Fenry Slissinger”
SLISSINGER’S DISEMBODIED HEAD: Hey, I’m offended by that!
CUT BACK TO: The chopp-um, hovervan.
RIVIABLO: It looks like Streetwalker’s lost the bounty hunter, um, he’s looking over the si-HOLY POODOO DID YOU SEE THAT!! SKYWALKER HAS JUMPED. OUT. OF. THE. SPEEDER. I’M FOLLOWING HIM!!! I’M GERAWFUL RIVIABLO!
Gerawful once again maneuvers the ’van into a dive such that it’s makers never imagined, certainly not when full of broadcast equipment. Eventually he catches up, just as the incredibly-low-fuel warning chime comes on.
RIVIABLO: Streetwalker’s GRABBED HOLD OF THE BOUNTY HUNTER’S SPEEDER!! LOOK!! He’s gone around to the front- is that his lightsaber he- YES IT IS!! HE’S SLASHING AT THE DRIVER WITH HIS LIGHTSABER!! AY-GOOT-GOOT-GOOT, HOT PURSUIT, I LOVE IT!!!-- whoa, HE’S LOST HIS LIGHTSABER!!!”
At that moment, the ’saber comes crashing through the news van windshield (narrowly missing the camera), and out the back window. Unseen by the camera, Obi-Wan catches it perfectly and places it on the passenger seat of the speeder. Then he shoots effortlessly past the news van. We rejoin Gerawful’s commentary.
RIVIABLO: “Looks like Kenobbly- Kanbobi- whatever- just passed me and- whoops, DID YOU SEE THAT!!??!! THE PREY JUST CRASH LANDED !! I’M GOING DOWN TO LOOK!! I’M GERAWFUL RIVIABLO!”
OB-EWAN safely parks the stolen speeder near a fire hydrant. An instant after he gets out, Gerawful crashes the news van into the commandeered speeder, falling off the platform. Well and truly out of fuel, Gerawful falls several hundred levels to where the YJKs would find his bones and his vehicle, decades later.
ZAM BAM runs through the streets, knocking passersby out of her way. MANI struggles past panhandlers asking for quarters.
ZAM knocks OB-EWAN down as she runs into a nightclub.
MANI: Master she ran into that club!
OB-EWAN: Yes, I know.
OB-EWAN holds out MANI’s brightsabre.
OB-EWAN: You dropped this.
MANI snatches the brightsabre out of OB-EWAN’s hand, avoiding a lecture.
MANI: Thanks!
DOORMAN: That’ll be seven credits apiece.
MANI: I don’t have any money on me.
OB-EWAN sighs heavily as he pulls out his wallet and pays the covercharge. “This is coming out of your allowance, young one. You’ll put me in a mud hut in the middle of nowhere yet.”
MANI: Don’t say that, Master. You’re like a father to me.
OB-EWAN: I need a drink.
OB-EWAN heads for the bar. MANAKIN blinks in surprise, then moves into the room, where HOT ALIEN CHICKS try to pick him up as he moves among the tables. OB-EWAN arrives at the bar. He signals the BARMAN.
CLOSE - Somewhere in the room a HAND moves to a pistol in its holster and unsnaps the safety catch. At the bar, a glass is placed in from of OB-EWAN. A drink is poured. He lifts the glass.
ELAN SLEAZEBAGGANO: Wanna buy some smack, I mean death-sticks?
OB-EWAN looks at him. He moves his fingers slightly.
OB-EWAN: You don’t want to sell me death-sticks.
ELAN: I don’t want to sell you death-sticks.
OB-EWAN moves his fingers.
OB-EWAN: You want to give me your entire stash for free.
ELAN: I want to give you my entire stash for free.
He hands over a large wad of death-sticks and leaves. OB-EWAN snorts the lot. He looks up. There appears to be a baby crawling on the ceiling. OB-EWAN shrugs and downs his drink.
CLOSE. The gun is drawn from its holster and held down out of sight. The BOUNTY HUNTER starts to move toward the bar.
MANAKIN checks out some more HOT ALIEN CHICKS. OB-EWAN, his pupils shrunken out of existence, signals for another drink. The gun moves toward his unsuspecting back.
The drink is poured. OB-EWAN reaches for it. The gun is raised to aim directly at his back and suddenly OBI-WAN turns fast. His lightsaber flashes. There is a shrill SCREAM and ZAM’S ARM hits the floor. The gun drops from its twitching fingers. Blood spreads.
The room is silent. ALIENS rise menacingly from their seats, and MANAKIN is suddenly at OBI-WAN’s side, his lightsaber glowing.
MANAKIN: Easy... Official arm-chopping business. [waves hand] You didn’t see anything.
EVERYBODY: We didn’t see anything.
MANAKIN: [waves hand again] You want to go back to your drinks.
EVERYBODY: We want to go back to our drinks.
MISERABLE ALIEN: I haven’t got a drink!
OTHER ALIEN: Sssh!
MANAKIN: [waves hand yet again] And all you hot alien chicks want to come by my place later for some fun.
HOT ALIEN CHICKS: And all us hot alien chicks want to come by your place later for-
OB-EWAN: Manakin!
MANAKIN: Sorry, Master.
Slowly, the ALIENS sit. Conversation resumes. Onstage, THE PERFORMERS pick up their routine. OB-EWAN and MANAKIN lift ZAM and carry her out.
SC 12 EXT. ALLEY OUTSIDE NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT
OB-EWAN and MANAKIN carry ZAM out into the alley and lower her to the ground. OB-EWAN tends to her wounded shoulder. ZAM glares at MANAKIN, even though OB-EWAN is the one who just cut her arm off. This girl needs to get her priorities straight.
OB-EWAN: Do you know who you were trying to kill?
ZAM: The senator from NuhBOO.
OB-EWAN: Who hired you?
ZAM: Half the galaxy, practically. Hell, you two both chipped in twenty credits, as I recall.
MANAKIN looks at her more closely.
MANI: Hey, I thought you looked familiar.
OB-EWAN: Oh, yeah . . . no, I meant the other senator. The chick.
ZAM: (embarrassed) Oh, this is about her?
MANI: Well, you did just try to kill her.
ZAM: No no no, I didn’t try to kill her. The bugs did.
OB-EWAN: Beg pardon?
ZAM: I had to use bugs. You see, I can’t kill her unless she says it.
MANI: Says what?
ZAM: I guess I was wrong. There was no danger after all.
There is a sudden FTZZZ sound. (Wow. Great descriptions, George.) ZAM twitches.
ZAM: Damn, he’s good.
She dies. There is a WEOOSH from above. (Quality writing. Really.) OB-EWAN and MANI look up to see an ARMOURED ROCKET-MAN fly overhead. MANI starts humming the Elton John song Rocket Man.
MANI: Rocket man, do do do do do do...
Whack
MANI: Ow!
OB-EWAN: Stop that.
He reaches into her neck and pulls out a small, wicked-looking dart.
OB-EWAN: Toxic dart.
MANI: How do you know it’s toxic?
OB-EWAN jabs some random guy walking past with the dart. He gasps and falls dead.
MANI: Gotcha.
*Obi-Wan would get increasingly grumpy as this footage was repeated 75,000 times over the next several weeks, his name never corrected. Not even once.
**Not that Gerawful Riviablo ever did anything NON-vainly.
