Immortal Desire

NOTE: Trigger Warning of Suicide.

Rose

The chill wind against my cheeks was the most refreshing feeling I had in months. Clouds of smoke wisped out of my mouth, dissipating in the darkness of the night. It was almost as if time was being slowed down as the clouds hung in the air a litter longer, dangling in front of my gaze as I contemplated my life.

The constant dull ache that numbed my nerves overcame my will to continue my daily rituals, but today, it was finally going to stop.

All of it was going to come to a tragic ending, and I was in the driver seat ready to push the gas petal.

I looked down at my right foot, literally dangling over the edge of the steel bridge. The fog was already setting over the river, making the drop to the bottom seem endless. It was like an entrance to the underworld, ready to catch me.

I thought about where I was about to go, maybe hell, or maybe there was nothing? I wasn’t sure, but I knew one thing, it was going to put an end to the repetitive thoughts of my miseries. All the times I pressed the steel trigger, not evening thinking of who was on the other end. How could I have no remorse before? Maybe I was trained to ignore the guilt, but what they failed to teach you, the guilt always came afterwards one way or another.

“I’m sorry mom.” My whispered words were overcome by the wind banging against the lights dangling overtop of the bridge.

I glanced down once more at the endless pit to the underworld.

Was it the cancer that pushed me to this?

I could see tear droplets falling over the ledge, never to be seen again, drenching my cheeks as I tried wiping them off.

I never cried.

I killed hundreds and now I cry as I dangle my life overtop of a bridge.

How pathetic.

“I’M SORRY!” My voice echoed throughout the deserted bridge and trench below.

I gripped the steel cables, lightly holding my body up as I leaned in, carelessly letting myself sway forward. In this moment, I thought about my life, and all the good times until everything went to shit.

When I was a little kid, all the cheesy birthday parties that I absolutely hated because they were too girly for me.

My first kiss with my high school crush behind the foot ball field, he said it was his first, but I knew he was lying, and I didn’t care, it was the closest I would ever get to kissing a boy.

I remember the movie nights that I spent with mom and dad, lying on our old brown leather couch watching cowboy western films that were way out of my age range, but I fucking loved it.

My first job serving bitter coffees at the old diner in the city, always taking way too many smoke breaks, but hell, my boss loved me.

The last moment I saw her alive, my mother, ailing from the same sickness I have now, dying slowly in a hospital bed with dad and I holding her hand as she exhaled her last breath. I couldn’t bear to be there at the last moment and ran out of the room, too much of a coward to face her after she was gone. A regret that I will live with until my time has come.

“I love you mom.” Tears were clouding my eyes as I brought my foot out even further. It actually felt nice, like I was being let out of a cage that I’ve been imprisoned in for so long.

I kept focus on my breathing, debating which breath was going to be my last. I wasn’t scared, I was only seeking peace, but I dreaded the thought of forgetting my mother. Her memories all gone as I stepped over the ledge of this bridge.

This was it.

I sighed heavily.

This was going to be my last breath.

“Well, what are you waiting for?” Suddenly, a strange voice came behind me.

“Get out of here.” Was it the Percocet talking? I probably had a few too many before wondering outside the bar tonight, so it was safe to assume this was a figment of my imagination.

“Just a spectator.” The strange man said.

“Well enjoy the show.” I glared down the vast drop below.

Why was I hesitating?

“Scared?” The man asked.

“No.”

“Then what’s holding you back?”

I paused as tears continued trickling down my cheeks.

“I don’t deserve to die, it’s too easy…”

“If you don’t deserve to die, and you don’t deserve to live then what would that make you?”

“Nothing.” Finally, I held in my last breath, this was it.

I stepped forward like I was about to walk, I felt my body take off. It surprisingly felt nice, like a big sigh of relief. It was all finally coming to an end.

I was plunging into the underworld, then finally... Silence.