1. The beginning
Boredom...
Is that a condition? Can it be healed through therapy? What is wrong with me?
I am struggling to enjoy the life I've built for myself from scratch through hard work and personal sacrifice, yet I feel incomplete. Sure, I enjoy my two amazing teen boys, Caleb and Jason, and how they constantly make me proud as they grow. I also love my job as a dermatologist, despite the long hours and fatigue that come along. My house is how I always dreamed of it to be, and my bank account is well balanced. But still... there is something missing. Or is it just me, simply not appreciating everything that I have?
My husband... (I take a big breath and exhale slowly) He is everything a woman could ever ask for. An amazing father, hardworking, tender, a loving partner, and to wrap the package up with a ribbon, he is drop-dead handsome, with a body so well-toned that makes any woman turn when in public view.
There were times I questioned my mental well-being for my thoughts and obsession over something else, something... more. Why aren't I happy? I felt suffocated, and I realized that for some time now, I was taking it all out on my husband. He became my punchbag. Everything about him annoyed me. Even the way he chewed his food was building up my intolerance towards his presence. He was nothing but good towards me, expressing his love at every chance he got. Helping with everything around the house without even me asking and trying his hardest to keep up with my continuously rising expectations and mood swings. It’s like I was always asking for more only in an attempt to make him fail me and give me a reason to justify my irrational outbursts.
Sex felt like a task, and orgasm was long ago something I could only experience by myself. Being a married woman, weekly physical contact with my husband was a routine I couldn't avoid, but that was it… I felt more comfortable with my vibrator rather than him touching me. It was like going through hard labor while wishing for this to be over as quickly as possible. It felt repulsive whenever he kissed me, so I'd avoid it like a plague. When did this happen? I don't remember.
I have it all, and yet I am not whole. I am so ungrateful, and that feeling is killing me from the inside. What should be a happily ever after was a book that I wanted to stop reading right there in the middle and start another one that would have me all excited and addicted again. What seemed to everyone as the perfect life was leaving me unsatisfied, and although I seemed content to everyone else, my mind wouldn’t settle with what I had. It longed for more.
My morning started off as usual. I dropped the boys off at school and went to my office. Appointment after appointment, lunchtime came to find me at the nearest restaurant enjoying the company of my friend Amara. She was the hurricane in my life, always keeping me on my feet with everything going on in her life. Picking up after her pieces was one of the most exciting things I had to do. Still single in her mid-thirties, a bisexual beauty who somehow was always in trouble. I wasn’t envious of her drama-filled life as she wasn’t happy about it either. She came to the point where she decided she would marry the next reasonable enough man or woman that would come into her life and make her heart beat faster, but only one-night stands seemed to come across her way. I have a theory for the reason behind this, but let’s come back to that later.
Amara excused herself to use the ladies' room, and there I was, sitting all alone with my face dropped down to the floor. My emotional swings were off the charts lately and annoying the hell out of me. It felt as if I was slowly going crazy. I was only laughing my face off a minute ago, and here I am now sinking into an instant nothingness and thinking of how much I miss the soft pillow on my bed and how to get there asap.
“What happened to you? You were fine a minute ago.” I turned to see who was talking to me with such intimacy, and my eyes locked to a pair of blue ones, slightly smiling at me with what seemed like compassion.
“Have you been watching me that long to make that observation?” I ask in an awkwardly playful tone.
“Well, it’s kind of my job to observe customers.” He smiles brightly, showing off a perfect set of teeth.
“Oh... I’m sorry, I took you for a weirdo. You must be new here, as I am a regular and haven’t seen you around before.”
“Uhm… not really, I am usually at the back and that’s why you haven’t seen me before.”
“At the back? You mean the kitchen? Are you a chef?”
“Wrong again, I…” “I'm back.” Amara interrupted him, sliding in between his body and the table, forcing him to take an abrupt step backward to avoid their bodies from touching.
“Hey, I thought you ditched me. How much time does one need to use the restroom?”
“Well, if I knew you had such fine company, I’d stall even longer.” She giggles like a schoolgirl. I roll my eyes and ask the unknown employee for the bill.
“It’s on the house.” He declares, maintaining intense eye contact between us, making it impossible for me to look away.
“Oh, no. We can’t possibly accept that.” I determinedly declare.
“Of course, you can. You yourself said you were a regular, so this one’s on me.”
I look at Amara, and she nods in excitement. “A good-looking man who is also a gentleman, I thought you guys were extinct.” She says, obviously flirting with him like she always does with anyone she finds interesting, male or female.
I feel awkward about the whole situation, so I put money on the table and declare it’s just a tip, but I actually put the whole amount plus tip for the things we ordered.
I move to get up from my seat, and he pulls my chair back while thanking us.
“See you again soon?” He cheekily asks, slightly leaning towards me, and I feel flattered in my chest. Oh, how I love that feeling and how I’ve missed having it.
“Well, don’t get your hopes up, Mister. This one's off the market.” Amara points out, picking up his flirtatious mood, and I now couldn’t be more uncomfortable.
“Although I wasn’t implying anything, one can only be unavailable when they leave this world.” And with that, he winks and disappears behind the flapping doors that lead to the kitchen.
“Why did you have to say that? You made things awkward.” I say while pinching her arm.
“Ouch! Why not? Shouldn’t he know you are married? He only had eyes for you and was obviously flirting. Or maybe YOU didn’t want him to know... Aha! You like him."
“Oh, shut up. You have your mind in the gutter as always.”
“Ok, you have a point. But I am telling you that he definitely likes you, and I can prove it. Let’s go back there tomorrow and run a little experiment.”
“Like, what exactly do you have in mind?”
“You'll see. All you have to do is show up. Leave the rest to me.”
