Human Shell
She sat down in a booth at the far back and stared down at the menu. She already knew how this fateful lunch would end; with her wasting her money. But she proceeded anyway. As she looked over the contents on the plastic covered papers she remembered what her therapist suggested and ordered a simple milkshake. If she was fortunate, she'd be able to stomach the thing and fix a healthy dinner.
Not counting today, she hadn't eaten properly in 3 days. Her phone was filled with unanswered calls, text messages and voicemails from her family and friends. Some had gotten use to her disappearing but deemed it necessary to check up on her, knowing that she wouldn't respond until she finally pulled herself out off the never ending spiral of her fucked up life. Or so she considered it. If she had the guts to go through with it, she felt she wouldn't even still be here.
Sighing, she looked up just in time to see her milkshake being placed on the table. She whispered her thanks and pulled the sweet treat towards her, taking a small sip, then another. This was an accomplishment to her, these few sips she was able to take. She sat back, glancing over her surroundings slightly before gently pressing her hand against her stomach. Seems she had underestimated how fragile her stomach was at the moment.
She rushed to the bathroom and emptied what little she had left inside of her then rushed out of the restaurant, hastily leaving a 10 dollar bill on the table. She knew what came next. Her little episodes happened almost daily now. Which was the reason for her never really leaving her home unless it was absolutely necessary. Thank god she didn't go too far away from her small apartment. She got inside just in time to close the door and fall down against it, bursting into tears of shame, pity and despair.
Where did it all go? She had been so happy so long ago. Why couldn't she have that now? God she felt disgusted with herself. After she had finally got herself to stop crying she dragged herself to her room and plopped down on the edge of the bed. After spacing out for a bit she stood up and walked to the bathroom and turned on the shower. While the water heated up she stared at herself in the mirror. She looked much older then her age, which made her only more depressed.
After her shower she laid on top of her made bed and stared at the blank television that was mounted up on the opposite wall. She closed her eyes and tried to imagine the warmth of another person laying beside her. God, this was pathetic. She felt as if she had wasted her life at such a young age now look at her. Her mother would have tsked at her. "I raised you better then this Renae".
But the thing was, she was right. Her mother had raised a strong, capable women that was able to provide for herself and be her own women. So then why was she in this situation? She threw her life away for what? For something she couldn't have. If she didn't make the mistake she did she would still have her husband. Her kids. Her job. Her sanity. Oh how she longed to be back in her husbands' arms. How she longed to tuck her babies in for bed and how she loved her job so.
But those days had quickly gone and she suddenly became aware of how cold, quiet and sad the room was. She laid in the complete dark, not one light in her house on. The sun had gone down, but she had only now just taken notice of it. Deciding to try eating once more she walked into her kitchen and opened the refrigerator then stared inside.
She didn't really have an appetite for anything and was 100% sure that anything that wasn't water was going to end up in the toilet seconds later. Deciding on soup she placed a pot on the stove and grabbed the can out of the cabinet. Just as she was about to pour it into the pot a knock sounded at the door. It startled her. When was the last time she had company?
Turning the burner off and setting the soup aside she walked to the door and checked the peephole. Seeing the person behind the door she stumbled back, her hand pressed to her chest. Her heart began beating erratically and she felt as if she was going to throw up but knew nothing was going to come up at this point. She decided to act like she wasn't there, standing as still as possible.
"Renae, I know your there, answer up". She mentally cursed the man behind the door and sighed, clearing her voice and answering back, "Give me a sec, I was just getting out of the shower". After standing there for a few more seconds she slowly opened the door and peeked her head out. Her voice wavered slightly as she addressed him. "H-hello Jiri, h-how did you get my address?".
He flashed his smile at her and the butterflies that had started this mess in the first place came to life. "I'll always be able to find you hun. Can I come in?". This all seemed so familiar to her, him showing up to her place. Instead, however, this was a different location under different circumstances. She looked him over carefully before slowly opening the door all the way, letting him inside.
"I heard how you've been going off the grid", he stated, walking into the small apartment. She closed the door and stayed pressed up against it, watching his movements closely. "Can't really go off the grid when everyone knows where you live". He looked up at her, surprised she responded the way she did and smiled. "Come and sit. I have something to discuss with you".
