Master of the Bracelets (A Narnia and Lord of the Rings Parody)

In the land of Tubbletok, beyond the rivers of Gruttle Bay, and just slightly north of the fields of Cornsquash manor, the Grumbit people lived peacefully in New Shinington Valley. They would spend their hours playing happy games of kick the elf or drinking kegs of sweet berry wine that were purchased wholesale at Chief Grundewhale’s emporium east of Fra Fra village, and west of the faerie hunting grounds off the 403 turnpike. A village of corn leaf roofs, clay walls, and wooden chimneys speckled the valley.

The Grumbit people were small in stature, but they made up for their height shortcomings by being incredibly lazy and prone to drink. The government of New Shinington consisted of Mayor Waxel McDongel who won the position by outdrinking a horse. The Grumbits did not believe in being governed by more than three rules which they could count on three fingers, for their fourth finger was used for nose pickings and their fifth finger was used for a gesture so offensive the Knights of Lambert would go to war against them if they saw it. The laws of New Shinington Valley were simple. Party often, grow something healthy every now and then, and don’t hit people you like. These laws were passed down for generations and written on cocktail napkins for any who were literate.

By the east roads, west of the recreation center, and north of the youth fountain, sat the Skrag house. Uncle Skrag was in charge of his nephew Bort, a young Grumbit who enjoyed hitting things with a stick. Bort lost his mother and father when a shroom troll mistook them for hairy portabellas and ate them in one sitting. Uncle Skrag took Bort under his wing teaching him the importance of dumpster diving, hangover maintenance, and which slugs were edible. Bort was a mischievous boy. He spent his days mooning cave bats, making lewd anatomies out of bog reeds, and throwing cheese wedges at maidens. He was in the prime of his life, wondering what kind of vocation he would neglect when he was old enough to go drinking instead of working.

Each night, Skrag would sit by the fire eating hard boiled salmon eggs and drinking watermelon brandy telling the ancient stories of lore and celebrity gossip to an enthused Bort.

" Lord Vikingmask was seen in courtship with Maiden Dafferdill according to the Daily Treezette News.”

“Ohhh,” Bort said with awe and wonder.

“Word has it that Maiden Dafferdill broke off her engagement with King Bluffington.”

“No way!” Bort’s eyes went wider.

Skrag took a puff of his pipe filled with cinnamon and steamed ham. He looked into the longing fire. “Did I ever tell you the story of the time I heard the story about a knight who fought Hot Mark the Dragon?”

Bort shook his head.

“According to lore and my aged memory, Hot Mark was terrorizing the town of Vittlesburg. The knight, whose name was either Josh or Vaxxen the Brave Hearted, fashioned a magical bracelet out of magic stone. He wore that bracelet like a master. People would call him the master of the bracelet. The trinket was very powerful. It could slay a thousand dragons. It was so powerful that a theater group 2000 years from now would need some very high quality special effects to show what it could do. The knight slayed the dragon and saved the townspeople, but the price of victory was too high. For one thing, the townspeople called the knight a total girl for wearing a bracelet. The other cost was the magic was too powerful. The knight became corrupted and started bullying everyone. He would punch kings, kick princesses, and wedgie children. The townspeople got together and went to war against the knight. They were able to village stomp the living crud out of him and take his bracelet. The magical bracelet was hidden in the cave of five hundred and two riddles, guarded by Large Bill the giant and blocked by a magical wall. The fear was that no person should have a bracelet so dangerous that it could destroy the world.”

Bort was mesmerized. A drop of drool hit the raccoon skin rug he was sitting on.

“Until today,” Uncle Skrag said, pulling out a long line of precious metal beads held together by a string. The bracelet reflected off the fire and Bort secretly wished he could be master of it. “As your gift for turning sixteen today, Bort, I am giving you the magic bracelet. This is definitely not a last minute gift to make up for the guilt of forgetting your birthday was today. I had planned this the whole time.”

“Wow,” Bort said, “you said the bracelet was in a cave of riddles, giants, and magical walls.”

Skrag winked at the boy, “It would take at least nine hours of backstory to tell you how I got it, but that is not as important as you accepting this gift and thinking of me as a responsible uncle.”

Bort grabbed the metallic bracelet with his grubby hands that were covered in egg yolk. Each metallic stone had an ancient marking from a language that was now extinct.

“It’s upside down,” Skrag said.

Bort turned the bracelet on the right side. Nevermind about the ancient markings, it was just upside down. The bracelet read “Magic Bracelet of Power and Destruction. Use for evil or good. Warranty void in East Skittumsburg.”

“What should I do with such a powerful bracelet, uncle? Aren’t you afraid I will go stark raving mad and use it for evil?”

Skrag chuckled, “You are a young and mature man now, Bort. Most boys your age would get their father’s mustang as a gift, but since I can’t afford a horse, I will give you the most powerful weapon in Tubbletok. You are growing up to be a wise and honorable young adult.”

Bort moved his foot out of the fire wondering why it suddenly hurt. “I won’t let you down uncle. Everyday I will protect this bracelet of power and keep it from harm’s way. ”

Bort proceeded to swing the magic bracelet around like it was a helicopter for the rest of the night. When it was time for bed, he put it under his straw and feather mattress. That night, he had a horrible dream. Three guys in ominous hooded robes visited uncle Skrag’s house and beat the ever living junk out of him to get the bracelet. Bort woke up drenched in night dew and various sugary liquids. He dove for the mattress and pulled out the bracelet. “What evil will this trinket bring to my village? What horrible hex of sinister terribleness will this device of power bring?” He couldn’t think of a third pondering so he fell asleep.

It was morning when Bort heard the noisy push mower being run over his uncle’s ragweed lawn. Bort made it to the window. Fat Mike was doing his lawn chores. He was also an orphan boy who lived alone in the spare bedroom above New Shinington’s bowling alley. Fat Mike’s parents died of old age, but at a very young age. It was tragic. Uncle Skrag had hired the boy to take care of his lawn in exchange for lettuce leaves and slices of ham. Fat Mike was girthy, had shaggy red hair, and exactly twenty seven freckles. When he smiled he showed eighteen teeth. Bort did not know why he bothered to count those things, but he figured those stats were important to someone.

Bort opened the window, “Mike, you will never guess what I got for my sixteenth birthday.”

Mike stopped mowing the lawn, “Your birthday? I thought it was last week.”

“It is,” Bort answered, “but I did not want my uncle to feel bad. Come on. Take a guess.”

Mike thought for a second, “did your uncle give you a career and a house to start a family?”

“Close. He gave me a bracelet that was used to kill a dragon.” Bort held up the shiny piece of jewelry. “Doesn’t it look spiffy?

“Wow,” Fat Mike exclaimed, “the only thing I ever got for my birthday was the death of my parents. Do you think I can touch it?”

Bort handed him the bracelet, “it feels so precious and valuable. Did your uncle get this from QVC?”

“The Queen’s Valuables Closet? No, this is a legit magical artifact. Apparently, I can use it for great evil or good.”

“Have you used it yet? What can it do?” Fat Mike said, holding it up to the light.

“We should give it a test drive,” Bort said, “what good is a magical bracelet of unending evil and good if we don’t use it for some mischief?”

“I saw a beautiful family of moles drinking tea and having a family reunion on the way here.”

“Let’s mess them up!” Bort grabbed his walking coat, his walking stick, and his walking sandals.

Several minutes later, Bort and Fat Mike were surrounded by ashes, crying moles, tiny uncontrollable fires, and the corpses of three rare birds. The mole’s family reunion tables were smashed to pieces and tiny little tea cups were tipped over. The bracelet had worked like it had promised and it destroyed a good part of the forest. Bort was covered in ashes and animal viscera, while Mike was pulling tree shards out of his skin. The destruction from the bracelet was awesome beyond comparison. It was as if someone glued eighty swords together and lit them on fire.

Bort felt the surge of the magic bracelet leave his body, “wow, that was some trip. I wouldn’t mind doing that again.”

Fat Mike, “Okay, now it’s my turn. I saw a deer on the way over.”

Bort pocketed the bracelet, “I think we have had enough for today. I don’t feel safe using this bracelet anymore. Sure, it can be used for good or evil, but I smell like the inside of a mole. I am late for my bi-weekly bath, anyways.”

Fat Mike kicked the dirt, “Don’t hog all the influential power and addiction in the bracelet. Some of us did not grow up with nice things.”

Bort made his way back home when he noticed something peculiar about uncle Skrag’s house. The gallopway had a white horse parked out front. Bort smiled and jetted inside. Waiting for him was a very tall man with a beard, he wore a rainbow striped robe, had neon yellow boots and carried a gigantic candy cane stick. His beard held a tiny cuckoo bird. The man wore a pointy sombrero with lit candles on it. The people of New Shinington had many names for this mysterious man including: Mr. Sweets, Candy Bob, The bringer of frost, The horrible Mr. Sprinkles, The King of Lightning, The Duck Swallower, Peg Leg McGee, The Quake Maker, Thunder Bert, The Heckler of Catan, Sir Sizzle Bottom, The Ogre Flayer, and Sparkle Toes the Almighty. But to his close friends he was simply known as Pezzle the Magician. Pezzle had walked Tubbletok for millenia fighting great wars, giving kid’s candy in their socks, conjuring spells, and watching empires fall. No one knew when he was born or if he had eccentric parents. He was so mysterious that people referred to him as an allegorical higher power of an ancient religion.

Bort bounced into the arms of Pezzle. Pezzle caught him and swung him around. Bort lost his grip and slammed through uncle Skrag’s antique table. Bort snapped up and tackled Pezzle by the legs, sending the lanky magician into the glass cabinet. The magician gave a hearty laugh and used his spell to turn Bort into a chicken. Bort pecked at Pezzle’s boots.

“It’s good to see you, my lad. It has been many days since I have visited.”

Bort wiped some feathers off himself, “Pezzle, what brings you to New Shinington?”

“A magician never has a reason to be anywhere. They are where they want to be.”

“Actually Bort,” uncle Skrag was cleaning up glass from the cabinet, “Pezzle was just passing through to a Magician’s Conference in West Cokebarn, west of the shores of Trippolox, and just north of East Westerton. We were just catching up on some old stories.”

“Ah yes,” Pezzle pulled out a licorice cigar and lit it, “we have gone on some wild adventures, Skrag and I. There was this one time when we went to the Prancing Faerie Pub and Skrag was going to take a bar maiden upstairs...but it turned out she was actually a goa...”

“Ahem! Cough! Cough! Cough!” Skrag cut off Pezzle. “Maybe we shouldn’t recount every story.”

“We had some crazy times. I almost forgot to ask. I wanted to make sure that you did not have any hidden jewelry of great evil power, which needed to be destroyed. I am your accountability partner, Skrag, and it’s important you don’t fall off the wagon by collecting trinkets of unspeakable evil.”

Uncle Skrag showed both of his hands, “I do not have any evil artifacts in my possession as we speak.”

Pezzle’s eyebrows shifted, “No Clock of Doom?”

Skrag shook his head.

“No Chainmail of Deceit?”

Skrag shrugged his shoulders.

“No Scroll of Unholy Utterance?”

Skrag pretended to empty his pockets. “I am clean as a whistle. Thank you for stopping by Pezzle. I am sure you are late for your conference.” He began to hurry the magician toward the door.

Pezzle spun around and started sniffing, “Why do I smell the guts and blood of a mole family?” He turned toward Bort who had both hands behind his back. “Are you hiding something, Bort?”

The magician drilled fiery holes into the eyes of the boy. Bort felt translucent. The holy and powerful magician could read his soul like a book. The great power of the bracelet whispered loudly behind his back, afraid of the magician.

“What do you have behind your back, Bort?” Pezzle insisted.

Bort gulped and closed his eyes, “Ummmm...a jar of beer?”

Pezzle wrinkled his face and nodded. A smile sprung up. “Oh okay! No biggie. I will be on my way. I will try to pick you up a shot glass from the conference inn.”

Pezzle grabbed his candy cane and walked out into the daylight.

Bort let out a sigh of relief with Skrag. “Thank goodness he didn’t see this bracelet of unspeakable evil!” Bort said.

Pezzle ran back into the house pointing his finger at Bort, “A ha! I knew it! You have a magical item of unholy evil. Hand it over. Hand it over, now!”

Skrag cursed, “this is just like when he took the Demon Underwear of Groove from me. I can’t have any fun!”

Bort handed the bracelet over to Pezzle. The magician examined the shiny beads, “Metallic stone from an ancient volcano, black string from a witch’s hair, and some sort of ancient markings.”

“It’s upside down,” Skrag and Bort said together.

“I knew that! I was testing you,” Pezzle hissed.

“You have the bracelet of power, the wrist wrapper of recklessness, the arm candy of chaos. How did you get such an evil thing?”

“If you have nine hours of backstory I can tell you it. The story actually starts in this house,” Skrag added.

Pezzle dismissed him with his hand, “We are not ready for a prequel. This bracelet is pure evil. You cannot keep it in this house. The entire fate of Tubbletok will be destroyed if someone careless got ahold of this.”

“I can be trusted, Pezzle.” Bort swung his hand and the bracelet hit the wall and exploded it in flames.

“Nonsense, a magical bracelet of such evil should not be in the hands of a sixteen year old. Only a very powerful man should handle it.”

Skrag had finished patting out the walls, “Pezzle is right. Give the bracelet to him.”

“Oh heck no. I ain’t touching that. I am way too busy for a side quest. When I said the bracelet is no place for a sixteen year old I meant you need to travel all over Tubbletok and team up with strangers until you get to a place where you can dispose of it.”

“An adventure?” Bort beamed, “I get to go on an adventure?”

“Precisely. You need to bring the bracelet to King Argon the Lion. He will swallow it. He lives on the other side of Tubbletok in the Kingdom of Nunya.”

“Are you sure a powerful magician of immortal power can’t do us a solid and just deposit it over on his magic horse that rides like lightning?” Skrag wondered.

“Are you listening?” Pezzle hissed, “My conference is the opposite direction. I am not a bloody transport service. Besides, the bracelet is evil and it hurts the very touch of a holy magician. I am not just making that up.”

Pezzle started pouring loaves of bread into a knapsack for Bort, “You better get going soon. There are evil forces that want this bracelet. I assume both of you are going on this mission.”

Skrag went silent. Bort waited for his response. “Well...”

“Bort, I have a bad knee and a drinker’s elbow. I can’t be walking across the land depositing jewelry into a Lion’s mouth. I’ll do something even better. You can go on the adventure and I will write a book about it. By the time you get back I should be on chapter 2.”

Bort held the bracelet close to himself, “It’s just me on this quest. What a horrible burden. I wish the bracelet had never come to me.”

“Welp...good luck, my boy,” Skrag and Pezzle joined glasses of blueberry jam bourbon together in celebration of getting out of that quest.

Bort looked over at the window. It was starting to get dark. He felt the eyes of an evil force watching him. “You said there were evil forces looking for this bracelet. Who are they?”

Pezzle got very close to the face of Bort; uncomfortably close. He whispered into his ear, “the Knotzis will get you.”