Clary
What should I do? I had this thought in my head for weeks now, but still did not found a solution to my problem. Now even my friends noticed that I was being distended. Even when they were trying their best to conversate with me, I couldn’t hear them. I have always been able to talk to my friends about any problems or could simply turn to my parents for answers for the things my friends could not help me with. I never felt this alone and isolated in my entire life. What should I do? What should I do? Was the only thought that was buzzing in my head. The thirty min walk home has never been something I contemplated about before but lately all I wished for was for the walk to be longer than forever. But, yet again, I had reached home faster than I wanted. Even after I dragged Liza through the mall for more than an hour, until she shut my nagging down and told me that she wanted to go home and rest. I understood her but at the same time all wanted to do was to tell her what a bad friend she was not understanding that I could not go home without standing face to face with her biggest problem. Why cannot we understand each other’s need without having to speaking out about it. I was exhausted and really want to cry while I opened the door to the apartment.
“Hi sweety how was your day?” Mom’s smiling face had no affection on me while I answered her with a dark mumbling.
“Hi, it was fine.” I quickly closed the door and head towards my room before mom had the chance to ask me anything more. It felt strange not being able to talk to my parents about what was bothering me. I could feel their worried eyes on me this whole week. I never been the quite child at all and every day they have been asking her what’s wrong, and all I could give them was a shoulder shrug.
I opened my laptop and sat on the bed. I did not look forward to this weekend and needed to find different activities that I could do by myself and that wouldn’t arouse suspicion with my parents. If I was not with my friends on the weekends I always spend time my family. If I go through with this plan, this will be first time ever I will spend time all alone. I couldn’t decide if this was a good thing or bad. I was afraid of going deeper in my depression if I spend a hole day by myself. But all the information I gathered from the internet pointed on me getting more independent and confident in myself which was good, right? I was getting headache from all this thinking without getting someone else’s opinion. I get pulled out of my thoughts by my dad who as usual opens the door without knocking. Mom and dad are the total opposite of each other, she would never invade someone else’s space the way dad does it, and yet they love one another like crazy.
“So, this is a new thing. What happened to, it is Friday I don’t want to do homework even if I have quiz on a Monday, girl that we all know and love, don’t tell me did aliens abduct her and take over her body, omg I have to examen if this is you or an alien I am talking to.” I only manage to close the laptop before he reaches out and attacks me with his ticklish fingers. It was like I was a toddler again. even if I tried, I had no chance against him and soon I was laughing uncontrollably. Luckily, he stopped just before I was about to lose my breath.
“Dad that was unfair I was not prepared for it” I said. He sat on the bed next to me and gave the laptop a glance like he knew I was doing something secretly, but he didn’t ask, and I felt relived. I hated having secrets from him but if he doesn’t ask, then I didn’t have to lie.
“That is the point, can’t give you heads up can I know that you are this big.” He said laughing.
Suddenly I was sucked in his big embrace and could breathe in his sweet cologne and fatherly love that always assured me that no matter wat happened I would have him on my side. I couldn’t help but to wonder if he really would be on my side if I told him wat I had figured out. Today I was too tired to go with my dark thoughts and hugged him back instead, and for just a moment I could be the toddler that had no other problems then having to wait for her parents to play with her. Mom called for dinner and reality hit us like a cold wind, I wanted to cry. Dad lifted my head up and kissed me entire face making me laugh again.
“I can see that you are struggling with something, but I want you to know that whatever it is you can always tell me or your mom.” He said and looked seriously at me then he continued. “Your mom and I have talked, and we will not presser you, but we will remind you every day that there is nothing you can’t tell us. no matter what we love you. Okay”
I wished that I could believe him, and some part of me did but I was not sure or ready to find out just yet. I answered with a nod and a bleak smile that was clearly forced.
“Come and eat when you are ready.” He left, closing the door after him, and leaving me to my miserable self.
After dinner I went straight back to my room and laid down on the bed to rest my aching head. I needed to shut my brain of and put ear pods on and played music. I felt tired in both mind and body but there was no sleep in sight, after a couple of minutes the song secret love started to play and all the feelings that I was burring deep inside all this week came rushing back as if the song was the key to pandoras box. The tears took over and I laid in bed crying nonstop and for the first time a forbidden thought was planted in my head, maybe I should just kill myself. Just as I was whipping my face and getting ahold over my breath and heartbeat, I could hear the front door opening and my older brother was home. He was speaking to someone and even if they were mumbling in low far away voices, I could hear it was with dad. I couldn’t hear mom’s voice which meant that she most has gone to bed or sitting with them without saying anything. After a while they silenced, and I could hear some footsteps walking towards my door. The door opened but I pretended to sleep.
“Hi, are you awake?” Scott, my brother, was probably standing in the doorway waiting for my answer. I stayed with my head down on the bed without saying anything. Then I felt the bed moving and I did my best to not open my eyes even if I was curious of how he got to the bed because I did not here his steps walking from the door.
“Dad said you looked better today than these past days. I know that you are angry with me, but I was hoping that we could talk.” Suddenly I surprised myself by jumping up.
“I am not angry with you anymore.” And there it was, the face I didn’t want to see but now that it was in front of me it was all I wanted to see and feel. He smiled but I could see that he was tired and not just from long workday but probably more so because of our huge fight three days ago and that made me refused to look or talk to him ever sense.
“Why where you so late today” I asked and his shoulder sunk a bit like my normal question assured him that I really was not angry with him anymore.
“It was chaos at work, and I couldn’t go home when every senior was working.” He put his hand on my leg they felt cold, his hand usually feels warm it bothered me. I wanted to make them warm again.
“How are you really feeling, you look pale and…” he stopped in the middle of the sentence like he realized something, and his face got even more grey of worry.
“Have you been crying.” He was talking like he had a big lump in his throat forcing every word out painfully. It was too much, I couldn’t hold myself back anymore. I crawled closer to him and crossed my leg over him and looked him deep in the eyes with one hand holding the back of his head. His hair felt soft and smooth when I went through with my fingers. He looked surprised like he didn’t know what to do, it was unusual because he is usually the one that always lead but tonight it would be me. And I felt so happy, so very happy that I finally found answer to my problems. From now on I wouldn’t care about anything else but doing what I wanted. I also made a silence promise to just do what felt right for me as long it would keep me far away from the darkness that I was heading towards. I smiled even bigger and whispered to him.
“Yes, I did but it doesn’t matter anymore because I know what I want now. I love you and I want to be with you, now and forever and if you don’t feel the same for me or if this is just a game for you. I want you to tell me now, because you know how I get when I am serous about something.”
I glared into his eyes hoping that I would be able to see the truth in them. They looked like he was about to cry.
“I love you so much, you have now idea. The thought of being without you hurts me so bad, Clary. I can’t literally live with the knowledge of you not wanting me.” he paused looking like there was a lot he wanted to tell her. “I wanted to tell you that I wouldn’t bother you from today on but as soon as I opened the door and saw you, I knew I wouldn’t be able to say that truthfully.”
A tear fell from his eyes, and it stung seeing him hurt like this. This must be what he felt. I wanted to wipe it off, but my instinct took over and I licked it off. It was like I could feel all his pain, and the difficulties he was having.
I felt his hand on her hips but they were still cold. Even if we needed to talk making him warm again was more important. I kissed him all over the face and could feel how he started to breathe easier which also made me calm. I couldn’t believe I haven’t touched him for so long. When I finally kissed him on the lips, he opened his mouth to invited me in. I could feel his warmth and the sweet candylike saliva of his. I loved all of it, nothing else mattered now then being in his embrace. I let myself relax and it felt like he could read me because his shoulder sunk even more, and his kisses felt more confident. He snuck his fingers under my shirt and his hands was warmer but not warm enough not like they usually do. I kissed him harder and went through his mouth with my tung. I played with his tung leading him on and finally we were playing with each other like we used to do, touching and squeezing all over to make one another feel good. It felt like the first time we did it, exiting and new and we laughed or more like giggled. He put me on my back but before he was over me I pushed him back and jumped on top of him. He went from surprised to anticipative, to full on kinky sex mood. I couldn’t help myself from smiling at his childish reaction. I took off his shirt in a second but stopped him from taking of mine. He whispered a, why, that was filled with lust, but I only answered with shaking my head. I kissed him all over again, and even though he would say that he was hornier than me, it was pretty clear that I was the one who couldn’t hold myself back. I liked his abs. Most men must envy him, he doesn’t spend much time in gym, and I have noticed that lately he’s been there only to hang with his friends when I was too busy. While I was counting his abs, he played with my hair and I let him before I smacked it away. I didn’t have to look up to know he was surprised again. I opened his belt then the pants while keep kissing him. He was breathing loudly. Shit, I wanted to hear him cum loudly tonight, but it had to be another night, right now we would have to muffle our voices. I didn’t have to lick him more than once before he had a hard on. I couldn’t help but to giggle and whispered, I have missed you. Before I started to put him in my mouth. Finally, I looked up to see his face and to my surprise he was hiding it. I stopped and went up and opened his arms to see his face.
“What’s wrong? you never hide your face before.” He could barely face me.
“I know that you want to play but please I need to be inside of you now, right now.” His voice sounded so small and young full of innocence but at the same time manly and lust full like a beast that was doing his best not to take her with force. I took of my shirt and he helped me out of my pants, and then I put him in. Finally, we were connected again. They had both been suffering all this time. He hugged me and even if we weren’t moving, I felt the warmth rising inside me. After taking some deep breath we kissed again passionately and deeply. His hands were on my hips then my breast squeezing and caressing then they were on my cheeks and they were finally as warm as I wanted them to be. I pushed him down making it clear that tonight I was in control and he should be a good boy and obey my orders. With his hands on my hip, I started to move and we both felt the pleasure and our heart was racing like they were two wild horses galloping in open field. I felt free and wild even rebellious something that I never felt before. His hand started to press me down, but I was not having it. I took his hands and looked around and took the first clothing that was close and the shirt was there. I bound his hand and put it over his head. With my head hovering close over his head, I whispered taunting,
“If you move your hands, I will punish you and it won’t feel good for you”
He smirked and I could tell that he was clearly wagering his option, pleasing me or founding out what that punishment really meant. I started moving again first slowly then quickly faster then slowly again and every time I went faster, I could feel the fire inside of me starting to burn with such an intensity. I wondered if he also felt it. I started to kiss him on his chest and went through his upper body with my hands. It felt as it was the first time, it was amazing seeing his muscles under his skin dancing to the music of our rhythm as our body touched. He was in agony, he had clearly not decided yet which he would do, stay still or disobey me. I kept playing him but by the seventh time I slowed down he gave up and plead with me to go faster. I didn’t know that his voice could make her feel so powerful. Was he pleading to her because he knew I had the power or was it to give her the power? He was about to get up and I pushed him down again then he pleaded again.
“Please no more, I can’t take it please just give it to me.” his voice cracked but he continued. “I beg you I promise I will hold on much longer tomorrow but just give it to me now please, please I can’t take it no more.” Shit, this was really new side of him that I hadn’t seen before. I started to move again and took of his bondage so that he could touch her. We started to move, and we moved faster than we ever did before. He kissed me as we reached climax together and I could promise that I could see a fire burning inside of me.
“That was amazing, I have missed you so much” He was out of breath and whispered every word with a loudly. I gave him a kiss on the cheek because unlike him I didn’t have the energy to push out words. As I laid on his chest to wait for my heart to slow down, I closed her eyes, and I could still see the fire. It looked like it was bursting out of a tiny box that couldn’t hold it any longer. He woke me out of the fantasy.
“What’s wrong, you didn’t answer when I called.” I looked up to see his face,
“Oh I’m sorry I guess I was deep in my thoughts.” he looked worried.
“No, no, nothing like before I was just wondering if we were loud earlier or not because I was so in it that I couldn’t hear our voices.” His face smoothened out and he smiled.
“We were pretty loud” he said with a smirk on his face. I was shocked.
“What on earth are you laughing about. What if they hear us?”
“Stop being worried okey let’s just enjoy it I don’t want to sneak around anymore okay, let’s just se wat happens.”
I didn’t know what to say about that. But was worried about what our parent will say.
“Are you serious with me now? Don’t you know what can happen if mom and dad found out about us.”
He put a finger on her lips before I could go on.
“Yeah, you are right I am sorry we are not ready yet to let them know, but I don’t want to argue about it tonight so let’s just be happy like we were just now, okay. Please I will be a good boy.”
The last sentence he whispered in my ear and fallowed up with a kiss just to make me smile and it worked even if I didn’t want to, I smiled like a dork. We kissed again and I felt like we could do it again if we wanted to. I stopped kissing him and snuggled in between his shin and shoulder just like I always do. We whispered, I love you, to each other while hugging and squeezing one another. We laid there for a couple of minutes in silence then I closed my eyes to let the feeling of love and relief soothe my body and soul. The box appeared again with the uncontrollable fire. I felt more drawn to it than before and could not help to wonder if it would burn me. Even if it felt real, this must be just a vivid fantasy that probably symbolizes the struggle and how trapped I felt in my own body and mind these couple days. I decided to get closed to the box but couldn’t feel the heat. The fire started to get bigger and sparkled more loudly as I got closer. It scared me but then I started to walk more determined towards it anyway. When I got really close, the fire licked my reaching hand, and it didn’t hurt. With a breath of relief, I run inside the fire to the box. I only touched the box then I heard a loud animalistic roar or growl, like a mix of lion and a bear but more powerful. Then everything became bright and blinding and I opened my eyes. For a second I couldn’t see anything but that light then the room and all in it became more visible.
“What’s wrong?” His voice was concerned again but I just smiled
“I think I dreamt about a dragon.” And just as she said it, it made more sense that voice belonged to a powerful animal as a dragon. He smiled and started kissing again. We were both rested and ready to do it again but this time it was different for me. It was like everything became more colorful even if it was dark in the room. I told myself that it was only my brain playing games and that I shouldn’t think much about it and concentrated on him. But then as we progressed, I could see yellow fire coming out of our body and it was surrounding us. I wanted to stop and ask him if he also saw it but it felt good having him move inside me to stop him for something so stupid. It felt as if the first round never happened, we were at it like crazy, both fighting to be on top. His kisses felt like something out of this world and I came two times before he came close to climax. We were indulging in each other not able to stop then he came but something was off he didn’t stop. It was like he was in a climax searching for another climax, it made me worried, but I didn’t want to stop hoping I could help him reach it again. I came again and again, enjoying every time. It was like I could see everything, feel everything, smell everything and I wanted more. I looked at him to see wat he was feeling but his eyes were black as night and I became stiff, unable to think let alone move.
“What’s wrong? please move I need more.” He lowered his voice to a whisper and said “Please teach me, I need to see more, please my love move, move, teach me I love you. I love you so much.”
He kissed me but I was too scared to kiss him back. Suddenly dad opened the door and grabbed him by the neck forcing him off me.
“Dad please I can explain, we can explain, please dad don’t hurt him.” I was trembling not being able to understand what to do.
“Listen to me, I am here listen to me. Come on son listen to me, come back to me, Scott come back.”
Dad was yelling in Scotts ears and I was stunned but not as stunned as to what he did next. He lifted Scott’s head and kissed him, at least that what it looked like for me but if I had seen beyond my chock, I would notice him blowing into him. After he stopped kissing him, Scotts body fell lifelessly on her dad’s chest. He then started to soothe him by patting his head and then he put him back in bed and covered him.
I was sitting in bed next to him and covered myself with the duvet. I have always been scared out of my mind to what dad would say if he ever found out about us but this reaction of his was confusing. He turned to her and smiled like only he can do.
“Everything is as it should be my little bunny and I promise that I will explain everything tomorrow but right now I don’t think you are awake enough to understand anything I have to say. Would you mind going to sleep now so that we can talk tomorrow.”
I didn’t know what to say to that, his calm voice confused me.
“Is he okay, what happened to him” if he could only answer that then I might be able to sleep. Dad smiled like he was pleased with me answering his question with more questions.
“He is fine, what just happen is normal I was just not aware of how strong you were, so I didn’t pay attention to what was happening. If anything, I was the one who did wrong, can you understand that.”
I honestly couldn’t understand it and shook my head because I knew how her father hates when we don’t answer him back.
“Do you want to sleep alone or would you prefer to sleep with your brother.” This whole thing confused me, but I took my chance to not run away.
“I want to sleep with him.” Suddenly we heard my mother’s voice, none of us had noticed that she had come in.
“Kai I don’t think it is a good idea” my heart sank, maybe it was too good to be true maybe father was testing me to understand what he just saw his children doing.
“Honey can you leave us alone a minute.” Mom looked at my dad, but it was like she knew something I didn’t, and she gave up and left the room. Dad didn’t say anything else and took my hand and waited till I laid in bed next to Scott. Then he covered me like he used to when we were small.
“Like I said, I will explain everything tomorrow so sleep now and rest. I am going to help you sleep now.” He gave her mild smile and before I could stop him his lips was on mine and unlike Scotts sweet candylike lips father’s lips tasted of love and soothing and security and comfort and it was like I was two again and I was sinking deeper and deeper in his warmth until I was out floating on a cloud and there was nothing but beautiful dreams waiting for me.
