THE MUSE

THE MUSE

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I used her like everyone else,

To pitifully patch my pitter-patter soul.

{ Atticus poetry}

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December 19, 2004

She looked at him with those kind eyes of hers and whispered.

---tell me you love me?

---- I can’t. everything that I love, every person that I love, I end up ruining them.

He whispered back, voice laced with agony and venom. Venom for himself and for what his life had made him.

---- leave this instant…. If you stay any longer I will destroy you, I will be the reason for your very destruction. You won’t be able to forgive me.

Voice hard and tone harsh. He turned his back to her. She thought it was because he didn’t want to see her face. She whispered back to him in a fragile tone, she was falling apart from the inside.

--- what if I don’t want to leave? What if I want to stay? What if I want you to ruin me?

--- don’t. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t sit back and watch you get ruined by these very hands.

He looked down at his palms and wondered why fate was so cruel to him? Why does he ruin everything he touches?

----but-

He cut her off and continued

--- I can’t do this anymore if you love me then you have to love me enough to let me go. Love is selfless. That’s what you said right? Then show how selfless your love can be and let me go.

His heart trembled so did her lips. Her soul shattered so did his dreams. Her body tremored so did his very foundation.

---- then I’ll walk out…..

She whispered. The door of the room opened, and his mind screamed to let her go, let her walk out! Heart said to stop her for she is the reason why after such a long time a small rosebud has bloomed on the wilted branches of this tree, a rosebud symbolizing love and that I haven’t died.

His feet felt heavy, heavier than they ever had before. He peeked from his shoulder her back was turned to him. She was still standing there, he wanted to see into her eyes but he couldn’t. he knew, he knew if he looked into those pools of honey he will run and take her into his arms and will never let her go. So he did the best thing at that time and said to her.

--- go.

Purposely, making his voice a bit louder.

--- please stop me…

Tears made their way out. Her feet moved on their own and swallowed the distance between them. She gripped his shoulders and tried to turn him around.

-- William, look at me, please.

She pleaded.

----- don’t make this harder than it already is.

Voice dropped an octave lower. Tone a bit softer, and he detached himself from her grip.

----- then don’t let me go!

---- you’re hurting me. Please Go!

His voice was nothing above a whisper. Go for if you delay even a second I’ll lose my sanity, I’ll lose my mind. Go for if you stopped even for a second I’ll try to suck you down the deep dark path I am on. Go so I can finally wither away in peace.

--- you won’t just let me in! please give me a chance I am not her!

--- go!

The man shouted as he slammed his hands on the oak desk in front of him.

.

And she complied, the door closed with a thud. He looked at the wooden door. The room felt cold, it felt dark. No lights were broken, his heart was another story.

He slid down to his knees and clutched his heart. It physically hurt him to hear her. Every single moment he had spent with her was flashing before his eyes, one by one. The entire room was spinning around him like a merry-go-round. Her beautiful laugh, her kind eyes, her gentleness. The way she used to look at him and smile. His heart remembered even the smallest details about her. Her favorite color, her favorite flower, how she would stop and stare whenever she saw a bush of flowers, how she furrowed her brows when she was deep In her thoughts. Everything about her … woe his heart he remembered it all.

She was more of him than he was of himself. Her love was so strong it pries opened his soul settled in and called it her home country. She could find someone better than him.

That night the entire universe seemed to be mad at him. The thunder cracked like a whip. God was angry with him. But the crack of thunder was nothing compared to the lashes of whips that the memories were hitting him with. His entire being was bruised and battered. He could not let himself ruin a beautiful soul like her.

She walked out of that room shutting the door with a thud, the vision started to blur, and tears fell one after other down her cheeks. This was the last time she was here, as she strolled down the hallway her heart was in a vice grip. She tried her best to remember every detail of the house. She took a flight down the stairs and stopped in front of a room. she opened the door and inside there were two shadowy figures, they both were sitting by the fireplace and sipping coffee and laughing. Those figures were her and him, they were a part of her memory. She felt as if her heart would burst and she’d die right then and there. Running towards the front door frantically she unlocked it and made a sprint towards the main gate. Unbarring the main gate, she gazed back at the gothic yet beautiful structure. She looked back at it one last time and then walked away with shoulders hunched and confidence low. She had lost once again.

Life is never a bed of roses. nanna used to say to her, but I was a young and naïve child when I heard those words but I never understood them. I gradually grew up and experienced life now I know whatever nanna said was true. She thought to herself as she passed the street rounding off towards the corner. She chuckled to herself, the sound was a reflection of her inner state: empty and broken.

July 22, 1993

---Will sweetie? Are you up?

A woman who looked like she was in her forties was standing outside of a room. The room was pitch black. She went inside and flicked on the lights.

---- mom, it's 6 in the morning.

The boy groaned and removed the blanket from over his head. A head full of jet-black hair peeked out from under the blanket. He sat up rubbing his tired eyes.

--- Your father is calling you downstairs for dinner. You have 30 minutes to fix yourself and be at the table. Alright?

The woman said gently while ruffling his hair and proceeded to walk out of the room.

--- good morning dad.

Will said loudly as he stepped down the stairs. He was dressed casually in a plaid shirt and a pair of jeans. jet black hair now, even more, darker from the shower he had earlier, his face bright and his grey eyes shining symbolizing his youth.

--- good morning William. Finally, had your fill of sleep?

The man who was undoubtedly William's father scoffed. He had the same eyes like his. the difference only was that William's eyes and demeanor exuded warmth. Upon hearing these words William's mother nudged her husband. Meanwhile, William stopped for a second and took his usual seat at the dining table, away from his father.

--- where are the other three?

William sat and questioned his mother about his siblings.

--- nancy is asleep, Luca didn’t come home last night, he said he’s with a friend of his and Isla said she’ll be down in a minute.

filling him on the whereabouts of his 3 missing siblings.

Soon Isla came down and joined them. Isla was William's younger sister. Both Nancy and Isla were twins and they were several years younger than William. Several being 5 years.

--- good morning will.

Isla greeted William in a sleepy tone and took a seat next to him to which William responded. The three of them had their breakfast in peace. Occasionally, William’s parents would make small talk about the business and the recent events that they attended together.

It was nearly 7:30 William was sitting with his sister and helping her with her vacation homework. William’s mother walked into the room and said to him.

--- David is waiting outside he wants to talk to you.

--- why?

--- I have no idea, I asked him and he said “Audrey just call him downstairs please”

William sighed and strolled outside.

The July sun was shining with all his might. It seemed as if it had a deal with the devil himself to fry the poor earthling’s skin off. William walked towards the garage, where David was standing in a suit ready for work.

--- you called me dad.

--- yes, I was wondering what are your plans for tonight?

He inquired taking a look at his watch.

--- no. nothing. is everything alright?

---- yes. I wanted you to accompany me to a party of my colleague. It’s about time you start to get social too, after all, you and Luca are the next heirs to the family business.

He smiled and looked at his son.

--- but dad-

--- no buts be ready.

David smiled and instead of waiting for his son to finish the sentence he slid into the backseat of the car and told the chauffeur to take him to the office.

As the car sped away, Audrey came out of the door that connected the garage to the inside of the house.

--- he never listens does he?

She looked at William and said in a soft voice. To which William shook his head and went inside the house.

David ford was the son of a businessman. His father had started his company ford industries when he was in his mid-thirties. His dreams were big, he wanted to see his company thriving and flourishing but sadly pancreatic cancer took his life. due to not having proper treatment back in the mid-70s he lost the battle of life; leaving behind his 2 sons David and Oliver and a widow. David soon took over his company and today had made it one of the country’s top industries.

David was in his late 20s when he met Audrey Selene through a mutual business partner at a party, upon laying eyes on her he instantly felt a pull towards her. David was confident, but he was conservative man too. According to the norms, he sent a proposal her way and the pair soon got married. They had four children, Luca: the oldest one, William who was 4 years younger than Luca, and lastly nancy and Isla.

You may fasten my chains and

Deprive me of one of my books and tobacco

You may fill my mouth with earth,

But poetry will feed my heart, like blood.

{-Mahmoud Darwish “defiance”}

The clock struck 8 in the evening, the car came to a screeching halt near the city hall. The hall was a pristine structure comprising elements from Greek architecture. Reporters were everywhere covering every single part of the ceremony. When William and his father stepped out of the car, the reporters swarmed them like bees, shoving mics and recorders in their faces and asking questions. It was usual for David but for William, well his face screamed of his edginess. His father answered all the questions while William stood behind him, using him as a shield.

The hall itself was colossal, filled to the brink with people, caterers everywhere, and the décor… it was pristine.

-William…. Why were you not speaking in front of the reporters? Do you not realize that everybody could sense that you were using me as a shield?

David spoke, his voice held an edge to it. William knew that he was treading thin waters now. Aggravating David will not be a good idea. So, he spoke

-dad… it's all new to me…. And I was not using you as a shield. I was---

- quit lying will.

David interjected, cutting his son midway. He pulled him into a corner located just before the main room and said in a steely tone.

-I don’t want you to make a fool of me. Get a grip over yourself and behave like a confident man. I want---

-Yes, dad I know I will go over there, talk to new people mingle with them, and will not disappear to a quiet corner. I know-

William repeated the lecture that was given to him just a few hours ago. Even though he wanted nothing more than to run away from this strange place and hide in his library, his safe haven.

[a few hours later ]

-I can't believe you made a fool out of me!

David barked in a volume that shook the entire ford estate.

-I didn’t I just told him I don’t want to follow in your footsteps that is all!

William protested at an equally loud volume.

-Oh really? So you are going to defy me now?

David spoke. Footsteps came rushing down the stairs in the living room.

-What happened? stop fighting for god’s sake!

Audrey tried to resolve the issue at hand.

-Ask your “lovely” son what stunt he pulled today!

-Will sweetie what happened?

-Nothing mom, dad is just overreacting.

-Overreacting! Let me tell you. Your lovely son accompanied me today at Michael’s annual gala. There I introduced him to one of my associates. Naturally, they asked him what was his plan and what this son of yours said? I want to be a poet, seriously?

David insulted William, the old man was shaking head to toe in anger

-It's not my fault that I want nothing to do with business mom! I am not made for that! And what's wrong with-

-William stop.

David interrupted and said

-Forget all about literature, writing, and poetry. You are my son and you will follow in my footsteps that’s it! no son of mine will ever do such a thing! if you become any of those I will disown you and you will die of hunger!

David pointed his finger at his son who was a spitting image of him yet not like him. And that’s what infuriated him.

-I-

-William

Just as William was about to say that it won't be happening anytime soon and his father is wrong, Audrey coaxed him to bite his tongue. When David stomped out of the living room she turned to look her son in the eyes.

-Mom… this is wrong. It's my life and I have the choice to do what I want to do. Why doesn’t dad gets it?

-Honey...

Audrey stopped, her heart had so much to say but her tongue was tied, she couldn’t utter a single sentence. Couldn’t find words to tell her son that his father would rather have him dead than let him pursue a career of his own choice.

After midnight, the city was quiet but William's mind was not. He laid wide awake contemplating whether he will get to be his true self or do his father told him to and let his heart die young!