Chapter 1
I swear each morning my eyelids get heavier. Because it seems to me that it's getting harder and harder to open my eyes.
I think it's the dread creeping in, knowing what's ahead of me once I finally do. It's always the same: drag myself out of bed (a.k.a. detach myself from the only thing that gives me a sense of peace in this world), force down some unwanted breakfast, and go to school.
None of which are appealing to me, especially the last one. Do you think the school will believe that I suddenly came down with a serious case of chicken pox? No...probably not after my life-threatening case of flu I had last month...bummer. It's not like anyone will miss me - the only people who actually notice that I'm gone are the teachers, and even they don't really turn a blind eye anyway. It's a common occurrence.
Getting up and out of bed is harder today. I'm not sure why, but the deep pit feeling in my stomach tells me that it has something to do with the fact the exams are starting soon. Tests I haven't prepared for, projects unfinished, homework I just can't seem to know how to do, lessons I can't get through my head-
Stop it, Ayana. There are too many to count, so stop trying. You're a wreck.
I step into my bathroom, looking to my mirror and doing a double-take. I do this everyday, somehow searching for anything on my body that isn't an imperfection. I used to be better than this - people always encouraging me with compliments I only half believed. My now, I've got no one around to sate my mind, with my mother working long hours into the day, then sitting exhausted in a pub. My dad was never with me to begin with. My aunts moved away, my cat died - there's only me.
So I stare into the mirror, looking straight faced at a lonely girl, no older than fourteen, tired and depressed.
I stare at a person who really is nothing special - beige skin, stout, not near skinny enough, dark hair as black as tar, and crawling with so many other insecurities in plain sight all over me. It's just sad. I'm just waiting on the day that I'll finally get a glow up - taller, skinnier, prettier. One day.
With that thought in mind, I skip breakfast and leave for school. It's not like anyone will find out I didn't eat. It's not like anyone bothers. The walk there shouldn't necessarily take that long, however I take my time taking the smallest tiny pigeon steps a person ever could take. If procrastinating was a qualification I would have a master's degree by now. Trudging down the road is the easy part though, because every time I decide walking at a normal pace isn't possible for me, I end up being late. That means sluggishly traipsing through the classroom to my seat at the back of the class.
And that's precisely what's going to happen today.
I hear the bell ring from a block away, and decide if I'm going to be late anyway I might as well take my time. I don't want to be sprinting in to school looking like a mess trying not to be behind schedule. Yeah, I'll take it slow.
In my opinion, walking the rest of the way went too quickly, because I find myself standing in front of the school gates that had already closed. I give out a disappointed sigh. I really had thought I'd be able to have a few more minutes with out the other kid's pointed looks at me. Usually glares. With a huff, I press the buzzer-thing and the door starts to squeak open, dragging metal along a concrete floor. I used to wince at the noise, but recently I've learned not to care. I do this practically every day, meaning I've half got used to it.
Once the gate had fully opened, I step into the school grounds. I almost instantly regret it. Maybe I should have called in sick today? It's too late now - my feet are already moving. I fling the door and plod down the hallways to my dull, grey classroom. Meaning there's nothing to focus on except me.
The teacher lifts her eyes from the class when the door knob starts to turn in my grip, and she steps round to face me. She's a kind teacher, never shouted at me for being late, but I reckon soon she'll start nagging. I mumble a short "Um...sorry..." to her and head down one of the side isles to get to my seat at the back.
"It's...fine Ayana. Please just take your seat and...try not to be late tomorrow."
Called it. The nagging begins.
I don't miss the sympathetic frown that comes over her features as I turn away. As to be expected, the other kids look at me; some of them snicker. If I was brave enough I would yell at them, but like the coward I am I hide behind my hair and refuse to let the tears fall. I my haze I stumble and almost trip over, but manage to get to my seat with no further incidents.
The teacher starts blabbering on about something I can't process, mostly because my eyes are blurry and I'm more preoccupied keeping my emotions at bay than learning about the periodic table and all the representations. Maybe this is why I'm failing all my classes - I simply don't have the state of mind to listen.
I just hope that the day passes by as quickly as possible. By my luck, probably not.
