Ziembra

Zie (Ziembra)

People say that when we die the rotten go to hell, the innocent go to heaven, and the tainted go to purgatory to have their souls cleansed, then they’ll go to heaven. Some even say that we will just die and that’s it, I wish I believed that, that sounds more peaceful.

I wish I did believe in that, but I didn’t believe in either of the beliefs stated above. I believed Earth was for trapped souls. Both hell and heaven forsake you and you stay there for eternity. You never actually die. You reincarnate and reincarnate and reincarnate and reincarnate until the end of time or for eternity.

Or so I thought. That was until I finally died. It’s nothing like they said it would be back on Earth.

Really...

Nothing. Like. They. Said. It. Would. Be.

Nothing like it.

Goodbye

I linger around my dead body.

They didn’t think I’d have the guts, that someone so timid and so stunned to even speak would dare to take their own life away. I must admit, I’m surprised I did do it.

I’m surprised I went through with it.

I sigh at what my older sister Mackie always used to say about things like this. ‘Suicides for pussies, running away from life is such a dick move.’

She didn’t know that I was suicidal but she’d always bring it up when we’d hear about suicides on the news.

I remember once I said ’I’m going to fucking kill myself.′ after I dropped something I repeatedly tried picking up and my younger cousin, Joshua, laughed and said ‘No balls’ He knew I didn’t mean it but remembering this now...

Killing yourself is weak, but not killing yourself is also weak? So since I killed myself would that make me strong or would it make me a pussy?

“I finally got home from- oh my god!” My mother yells as soon as she sees my lifeless body. Her dark brown eyes swell up with tears, she runs over to me. “No. No. No. Not my baby! Not my baby! I already lost two. I can’t lose another, please god please no.” She cradles me in her arms. I float over to her side and stare at her.

I know this is hard now Mom. But trust me, now that I’m gone things will be a lot easier. I won’t make anything dull anymore. I’ll finally stop being a disappointment.

“No. No. Why? Why?? Please-” she gasps uncontrollably.

“Mom your home.” My younger brother Buzz comes into the room Mackie and I used to share. “Hey, I didn’t hear Ziem when I got home from school-”

“Go call the ambulance.” She yells at him.

“Why?- Hey what are you-” she pushes him away, preventing him from seeing my colorless face. And keeping him from seeing the slit on my throat and the multiple cuts on my wrists.

It hurt so much at the time, yet, I still cut deeper.

I didn’t want to survive. I read stories from the ICU about how patients tried ending it by slitting their wrists but instead of dying they just passed out and they later woke up with a claw for a hand.

That freaked me out.

And during my breakdown, I remembered that, so I made my cuts deep and lethal.

“Go call the ambulance! Now!” She yells at him.

Buzz huffs. “Fine.”

“Don’t let your sister come either!”

Oh yeah. I forgot about Hildred, Mildred, and Fredrik. They are my youngest siblings. All five years old.

If they were to see this, their childhood would end before it could fully begin.

“My baby Snug, why? Why? Why did you do it?” She sobs more quietly. “My sweet baby.”

I want to sit closer to her to make her feel at ease but when I do, I notice she shudders. She’s cold and she feels more panicked.

I thought when you sensed your loved one you were filled with relief... I move away and sit across from her looking at my own face.

My eyes are still glossy and my face is still tear-stained. The blood that gurgled out of my mouth from when I slit my throat is still not dry.

I look at my unmoving brown eyes, fully opened looking up at the ceiling. They’re seriously empty. I scoff a little, when I was still in my body I thought I looked different. I thought I looked distraught.

Maybe... My eyes look empty because no soul is occupying my body anymore.

I shake my head. Souls really do give life to the human body, without it, it’s just a meat sack.

“Buzz seems pissed off, what did you tell him?” Heimerdinger, my mother’s fifth husband, and Buzz’s father as well as Hildred’s, Mildred’s, and Fredrik’s biological father. He wasn’t my dad, he was just a person I knew and I was a person he knew. We were never able to form a bond but that’s my own fault, I was never open to change. “Ce- oh no.” He falls to his knees and looks at my mom “No. No. Please tell me this isn’t...” He trails off, unable to bring himself to say the words. ‘Suicide’ I killed myself. “Real.”

I float back. That’s what he was going to say?

My mom turns to him, her lips trembling as she nods. “It is.” She falls into his chest.

“How?” He asked himself.

Geezus. Heimer, I killed myself, that’s how!

“This doesn’t make any sense.” His eyes go up to the ceiling.

“They killed her. Someone must have done it.” My mom sobs violently. “She would never leave such cruel... Deep wounds on her skin! She just wouldn’t.”

Yes, I would! I wanted to die!

“Well get to the bottom of this Celecté, whoever killed her will be caught... They’ll pay.” No Heimerdinger. No one will be caught because no one killed me. I’m sorry, but I killed myself, I did this.

Mom...

I did it because I couldn’t handle this anymore... I was tired of everything.

I was tired of feeling like a disappointment. I was scared of becoming a failure and I was tired of feeling like one.

“Mom, believe me, this is for the best.” I finally speak.

“Ziembra!” She heard me? She looks at my body. “She’s alive! See! Ziem, speak again.” When she sees my lips don’t move she starts sobbing again. “Snug!”

“I didn’t see her lips move honey... It must have been the wind.” Heimerdinger tells her.

" But I heard her! I swear I heard her!” After she finds out I killed myself she’ll get over this. She’ll hate me. She won’t love me anymore.

And that’s fine, I did this to get a load off her back. To get a load of everyone.

“No Cel-”

“It was the wind, Heimer! I heard her voice!” She shakes me trying to get me to speak again. A little of the blood from my mouth lands on her.

Heimerdinger puts his hand on my mom’s shoulder, he squeezes it. “She’s gone.”

“I heard her voice! She said ’Mom, believe me, this is for the best.’” She sobs. “No honey this isn’t for the best, I love you. All of you and I always will. Please come back. I- I- don’t do this to me!” Even that makes me shudder and I’m just a spirit now. “First Mackie, then Mack... Now you?? No. God no.”

“She’s not coming back, She’s gone.” Heimerdinger tries comforting her, gently rubbing her back. She yells all kinds of obscenities at him and of course, she doesn’t mean it. And he knows it because all he does is nod and listen. Until eventually,

She tires herself out and falls into his chest, falling asleep. That’s when the paramedics can finally take me from her. Even then she weakly says ‘No, my baby, give me back my baby.’

All I do is stare at her.

Mildred is about to come running in but a firefighter stops her. “Wanna show me your dolls?”

She nods and takes her hand to the room she shares with her brothers.

I look at my mom and Heimer. Man, I left a lot of blood.

I then look to my door frame where Buzz is and his friend, Andres standing next to him.

He looks at Mom. His tears flow silently. His friend Andres stands next to him.

“I’m sorry man.” He puts his hand on his shoulder letting him know he’s going to support him. “The boys are waiting outside, let’s go, at least until they.. clean everything up.”

Buzz’s eyes don’t leave mom. “I can’t leave my mom alone..”

“Come on Buzz, your dads with her.” Andres reminds him. “Seeing all this isn’t good for you. Please, man, we’re here for you. Let’s go out for now.”

Buzz shakes his head. “But... My mom.”

“Your mom wouldn’t want you seeing this either.”

“I’m not going to just leave my mom.” Buzz answers

“Think about your sister, she wouldn’t want you to-”

Buzz glares at Andres. “Don’t tell me what my sister would have wanted. She’s... Gone. And you didn’t even know here.” He then goes back to taking care of Mom.

Andres sighs as if he were going to give up.

No. You’re his friend. Don’t give up.

Please persist. Our mom isn’t alone.

“You’re coming man and that’s it.” Andres whistles. Up come Vidor and Creg, more of Buzz’s friends. “Even if we have to fight you to get you out, we will.”

Buzz starts swinging and he lands all the punches of course he does, he’s a good fighter, but just like him, his friends are also strong. They pick him up like it’s light work and take him out.

“Ahh, you jackass!” Creg snarls. Buzz laughs.

“After you guys put me down I’m beating you all up.”

Vidor scoffs. “Yeah, that is if you get the chance.”

“Which you won’t,” Creg tells him. Not even a few seconds later he lets out a painful groan. I’m guessing my brother kicked him. “I thought we were friends, man?”

I float after them.

“Damn. It got so cold.” Andres comments.

“Yeah.”

“Every time I passed by my sister’s room I just got a weird vibe, you know? And when I completely passed it that vibe left... And instead, it just all got cold. And now... It’s colder.”

“Maybe your gut was telling you something was off,” Creg suggested.

“Or your body knew something didn’t feel right and it told you to leave,” Andres suggests.

“I should have opened the door instead of leaving. It’s like I ran away, like a coward-”

“Your mom had to get the key to open the door. And she’s the only one with the spare. You couldn’t have done anything.” Andres tells him.

“I could have broken the door down, maybe then she could have lived. I could have saved her.”

“No, you couldn’t have,” I say as I start to get irritated. They all go stiff.

I wanted this. I wanted to be gone.

“Did you guys hear that?” Creg asked the others and my brother for confirmation.

“It sounded like Ziem’s voice,” Buzz says. “But that’s not right.”

“Maybe it was her. Her spirit is still here.” Javi, His other friend suggests.

“But she’s been dead for some time. Spirits only linger if it has unfinished business or if it’s a lost soul. Her spirit should have been at judgment already and she should be in heaven right now.”

“Well, technically, she should be sleeping until God comes back,” Creg states, he’s a Jehovah’s Witness. “That’s just how it is after death man.”

I chuckle.

Well.

I thought that earth was for trapped souls and we could never really leave it. Looks like I’m right and everyone else was wrong. Now we just wait to get reincarnated and-

“Yeah but if she’s with god how the hell is she able to talk to us?” Vidor asked. “Once you’re with god. You’re there and that’s it.”

“I don’t know. God probably gave her permission.” Buzz says.

I’m dead, yet I’m still not sure if god is real, ooorrrrrrr

He is real, but he abandoned us here on Earth.

He didn’t want us and Satan didn’t either. So they both came up with the grand idea to toss us into this dark place.

And if god was real I’d already be well past judgment and on my way to hell. But that’s going by Christian/ Catholic beliefs. And according to Jehovah over here, I’d be asleep for eternity until God comes and judges us all.

Christian hasn’t said anything. All he does is listen in and help keep Buzz from beating everyone up.

“Permission to say goodbye.” Buzz shrugs.

“Well yeah. Maybe you’re right.” Christian chimes in.

Everyone looks at him. “You’re an atheist man. You don’t even believe in god.” Creg tsk’s.

“I know I don’t but Buzz does. And if he believes in that, then it’s grail to the grave. Just like all your beliefs are too.”

Ohhh. I get it. Christian doesn’t believe in god and he has no belief system. But if that’s what his friend- Buzz- believes in then he supports him so he can feel reassured that his sister, me. Is in heaven...

Even though I’m not.

I’m still here!

But whatever. If it comforts my brother to believe I’m in heaven, with god. Then who cares. Let him believe what makes him happiest.

“Ok... So... Just let me try one thing.” Javi says as he looks everywhere up at the ceiling. “Buzz’s sister, are you still here?” He shouts. I’m standing right next to him. “Damn, it’s so cold.”

“Dummy. You got to use her name.” Creg says. “Uh-” he turns to Buzz. “What’s your sister’s name?”

“Ziem-”

“Ziem!” Creg shouts. “Are you still here?! I stand next to him. He gets chicken skin. “I don’t know man... Maybe it was the wind?”

“Ziem are you here?” Buzz asked. I float over by the vase I never liked and tip it over.

“Oops,” I say.

Everyone gasps. Even Buzz.

“She never liked that vase.” Ding ding ding. “She’s here.”

“Ziem. What happened? Why are you dead? Who-”

“Don’t worry about it,” I speak.

“Guys we’re really talking to a spirit.” Creg comments.

“We’re talking to my sister.” Buzz doesn’t seem to like it when I’m being referred to as a spirit. “And what do you mean ′don’t worry about it’? You’re dead now! Who did this-?”

“Buzz. It doesn’t matter. Just know that I’m at peace. ” I tell him so he can be at peace.

“It does matter! Who killed you? It’s not fair. You shouldn’t be dead, you should be here with us right now. Probably in your room or drawing down here. Not dead!”

I inhale. “You’re selfish, you know that?”

No one expects this. Not even Buzz.

“I’m dead. And that’s it. And I’m telling you that I’m at peace. That I’m no longer suffering. If you really loved me you wouldn’t be mopping around asking ‘Why? Why? Why? Why did she die? Why did she have to go? She should be here.’" I mimic him in a childish voice.

“Damn, a spirit really just mocked us.” Vidor shakes his head in disbelief. “You know this is a bit troubling. Your brother’s grieving because you’re gone. And you’re here basically telling him to stop bitching.”

“I’m telling him to stop asking me questions he’d wish he had never known the answer to,” I responded to him.

“A spirit just spoke to me.” Vidor shakes his head again ”damn." He mutters the last part

“Wait... Since you’re dead now. Who is right? Which of us is right? Is God real? Is he a woman? Is he not even a he or a gender? Is-”

“Um... Well... You guys aren’t gonna believe this but...” I inhale. Do I tell them the truth and make them go crazy or do I give them peace of mind?

“Tell us, we can handle the truth,” Andres says. Buzz nods.

“I’m ready to be wrong or right. More right but if I’m wrong- fuck it, I have no choice but to accept-”

“Whatever you believe in will happen.” I blurt out.

They all fall silent again. “What?”

“If you believe in god, then he is real. If you believe in life after death, that is also real. If you don’t believe in god, then that’s also real, if you don’t believe in the afterlife then there’s no afterlife. Every set of beliefs or non-beliefs the person has pertains to what will happen to them in the afterlife.” I explained.

Creg nods. “Mhm. So what I said earlier, is that also real?” I nod. “Is it?” Can he not see me- no. I’m a spirit.

“Yes.”

Buzz laughs. “Did you nod thinking we could see you?” He laughs harder. “Even in real life, you’d do small dumb things like that.” He shakes his head as if to say that’s my sister.

“So we’re all right...” Javi says.

“Well. Think about it guys.” Buzz starts. “Were right but at the same time were also wrong because everything is real.” He smiles. “Which means anything we believe in is totally possible.” I suddenly start seeing some wavelength color coming from my brother. It was blue and now it’s very very white. “We can do anything.”

And I see his friends as well. Andres goes from black to white. Vidora goes from brown to red and blue. Javi, yellow and green to red.

“Yeah.” Christian starts. “We can do anything.” His goes from being grey to a lot of different bright blues swirling into each other.

Creg’s color was a dim yellow but now it’s changed to a very very bright yellow, mixed in with a bit of red and orange.

What the fuck is this? Why am I seeing colors? Why did they change???

222

And I’m seeing numbers now too???

What’s happening???

“So... Are you gonna stay a bit or-”

“Uh no. Bye now.” I say.

“Wait!” Buzz puts his hand up to stop me. “Do you still care about us?”

“My love for you and the family is always unconditional. No matter what you do, I will always love you.” I mean it. Love should always be unconditional. If it has conditions, then it isn’t love, it’s convenience.

“Ziem.”

And I think that’s it. For now and forever. These are my last words to Buzz. Better to leave it like that than ruin it. Plus, I’m gonna reincarnate any second now.

“Ziem.”

I float out of my house. Floating makes everything easier, especially transportation and I say this because I’m at the beach in Mexico waiting for reincarnation to come or for me to start fading away.

Nothing is happening yet.

I stare at the water as it slowly goes back into the ocean, then as the next wave pushes the water back out again. I stare mindlessly at this cycle as I wait and wait and wait and wait…

What the fuck! I’m waiting!

When am I going to reincarnate-

“You know you just broke a million laws, and you are just barely, a new dead.”