Shy Guy

Despite being a sexual adventuress, the one thing I have never been is unfaithful (a threesome doesn’t count). One night stands are fine when I’m single, but when I’m in a relationship I’m one hundred percent faithful until the relationship fizzles out and I move on. But in my final tale, I have to tell you that I broke my own vow, but for a very good reason

Late last year two things happened to me. My agent told me that one of my books ‘Bad Girl’ was going to be made into a film, and I started dating a male model called Rick. He was Australian and built like an Adonis. Unusually for me, he was fair haired, but he was eight years younger than me, six foot three and had a body that looked as though it had been sculpted by one of the classical artists. I spent a lot of my time at his house in Surrey, and if I wanted to talk to him, I had no choice but to join him in his home gym, which meant I got quite fit. It was always a treat to watch him work out as he never wore a vest or t-shirt, and he’d usually get turned on by all the testosterone pumping, and his favourite thing was to have me over a bench, while he watched us in the full length mirror - although I sometimes got the impression he got more turned on watching himself than he did me.

But despite this, he was a really sweet guy, and apart from being vain, he was quite down to earth and we had a good laugh. He was on the verge of getting a major international campaign for Burberry, which would make him a household name, and we’d joke that if he got it and my film was a success, we’d go off and live in LA together.

I was so excited that a film was going to be made of Bad Girl. It told the story of a girl who comes out of prison after being set up by the older man who groomed her and she reinvents herself and becomes a huge success in the porn industry both in front of and behind the camera. Several streaming services had bid for it, and in the end my agent had negotiated a deal with Netflix. It was being directed by a woman called Tina Cameron, because it was felt a woman could tell things from Belle’s point of view better. Tina had said I could visit the set any time I wanted to, because if anyone knew how Belle’s story should go, it would be me. So, seeing as I had a couple of free days, I decided to bite the bullet and go.

The morning I was due to go there for the first time, I woke up with my tummy fluttering with nerves. I’d been on plenty of film sets before as I had friends in the industry and I’d dated actors and rock stars who’d invited me to watch stuff being made. But today was different. I would be seeing my concept being brought to life, and I felt a weight of expectation.

I felt Rick stir behind me. He had morning wood and he was rubbing it up and down my thigh. I felt partially turned on, and partially annoyed. This was an important day for me, and all he could think about was sex.

“How are you this morning?” he whispered in my ear.

“Nervous. What if they all hate me or think the book’s shit?”

He laughed and rolled me onto my back. As he looked down at me, all chiselled and blue-eyed and gorgeous, I forgot how annoyed I was with him and I started feeling horny. I realised sex would probably be just the thing to calm me down, and I started kissing him.

“Take my mind off it,” I purred.

“At your service,” he laughed. He kissed my neck and I ran my hands over his big, hard shoulders. I loved to touch him. He had the most perfect body out of all the men I’d ever dated, and he’d come along at a time when I was starting to feel a bit old and not quite so attractive, and he was a great boost to my ego.

His big hand gripped my thigh, pulling my legs open. I wanted him to go down on me. The thought of lying back, being licked out was a wonderful prospect, and just the thing to relax me.

But no such luck. With a grunt, Rick entered me and started pumping away. Despite being a big man, his cock was only average size, but big enough to do the job, but I did like a little foreplay. I quickly lost all interest, lying there motionless, with no desire to come or do anything to make myself come. I just wanted it to be over. Maybe it was because I was distracted or tired, or had just finished my period, or maybe it was because it felt like Rick was using me for relief rather than wanting to make love to me.

I wrapped my legs around his hips because he liked to thrust deeply and it made him come quicker. When he groaned ‘you’re so sexy’ I didn’t know if he meant me or himself. But at least he’d finished. He rolled off and flopped onto his back, going straight to sleep, so I got up and headed for the shower. I felt a grumpy after such a disappointing time. There had been plenty of men who had turned me on but came before I had, and I would happily finish myself off, either in front of them or sometimes alone in the bathroom; but Rick hadn’t even got me that turned on. I just felt angry and a bit sore because I hadn’t even been properly wet.

I had no idea what to wear to the film studio. I was Dixie Prowse, the author of this raunchy book. Would they expect me to go dressed like some sex kitten? Or should I go the other way and wear something more suited to a funeral? In the end I opted for a plaid shirt tucked into jeans, and my battered old Vans. I tied my hair in a ponytail and didn’t put my make up on. I wanted them to take me seriously.

When I came out of the closet, Rick was sitting on the edge of the bed, scrolling through his phone. When he noticed I was there, he looked up at me and wrinkled his nose slightly.

“Is that what you’re wearing?”

“What’s wrong with it?”

“You look like you’re going to the supermarket.”

“Maybe I want to be taken seriously.”

“Come on, you’re Dixie Prowse, one of the sexiest women in the world, you can’t go in dressed like that.”

“I’ll go in how I want, Rick. See you later.”

The studio was on the outskirts of Ealing, in a huge complex where they made TV shows as well as films. After I parked in the massive car park, I was greeted by a young production assistant called Kayla, who was very sweet and took me to one of the catering trucks where we had breakfast and she explained to me that today they were filming the scene where Bella, the protagonist goes to a casino and meets a sexy Arab guy. Bella was being played by a blonde South African actress called Dianne Cook. Which I found weird, because in the book Bella had dark hair, like me; but my agent had already warned me that writers couldn’t get precious about things like casting, because directors had their own vision of the characters.

Kayla then took me on set. It was in a huge hangar. On one side, they were setting up the casino, and it looked very realistic. She took me over to Tina, who was chatting with one of the technicians. Tina looked nothing how one imagined a female film director. She was little and homely, with short silver hair, and she always wore billowing white shirts and leggings. She let me know how wonderfully it was all going and how she thought everyone was going to fall in love with Bella and that I should write a sequel. I tried to listen but it was hard not to get distracted by everything going on around me.

Then it happened. I looked up, and coming down the stairs from one of the gantries above was the most handsome man I’d ever seen in my life. I have dated and fucked some of the hottest guys in the world, but they all paled into comparison to the utter beauty descending those stairs. He was fairly tall and slim, wearing a khaki shirt and jeans, his hair was dark brown, short at the back and falling longer at the front and swept back. He had the most perfect bone structure, all high cheekbones and a large, but perfectly shaped nose. Just looking at him, all time and space seemed to freeze, and all I could concentrate on was him. If he was one of the actors, I was going to beg to play Bella, just so I could kiss him.

Tina caught me looking and turned around to see.

“Ah, here comes Mike,” she said. “He knows where everything is.”

I realised she was talking about Mr Perfect. She beckoned him over and as he came closer, I realised I wasn’t breathing. He was even more beautiful than I thought. His skin was perfect and he had the kindest, softest brown eyes. His complexion made him look young, but there were slight creases around his eyes and mouth, so I guessed he was about my age. I was transfixed by him. I couldn’t even imagine fucking him. I could only marvel at how God had created such a perfect human being.

“Dixie, this is Mike Bailey, the floor manager,” Tina said. “Mike this is the lady responsible for all this.”

He made brief eye contact and smiled.

“Nice to meet you.” He had a lovely deep voice, and I detected a northern accent. Like a teenager, I blushed and mumbled ‘Hi’. He must have thought me a complete fucking idiot

“Mike, why don’t you take Dixie to meet Bella before filming starts?” Tina suggested, and I wished she hadn’t. For the first time in many many years, I felt nervous to be in a man’s company.

He made eye contact again and I struggled to keep it, convinced I would blurt out something stupid like I loved him.

“Follow me.” I realised he was from Yorkshire. I was a sucker for Northern men. There had been many…for a brief moment I felt ashamed at how many men there had been….

Mike walked quickly, a couple of paces ahead of me. He had a reassuring air about him. Even though he was much shorter and slimmer than Rick, I felt safer with him than I ever had my boyfriend. He just gave off a protective vibe.

He glanced round at me, smiling shyly.

“My sister loves your books,” he said.

“Oh they’re just silly nonsense.” Why was I even saying this? I was proud of my books. Of my life. “Just a product of my over active imagination.”

He looked round once more, slightly raising one of his perfect eyebrows and smirking, and I blushed again.

“Well they’ve given pleasure to a lot of people.”

I didn’t know how to reply. Dixie-fucking-Prowse, with her big gob in both volume and size, couldn’t speak. All I could do was giggle and mumble a stupid ‘thanks’

He took me on the set of the casino, which was still filled with crew. I straight away noticed Dianne. She was sitting at the side, wrapped up in a white puffa jacket, reading her script. She had white blonde hair and killer cheekbones, and was so gorgeous, and I wondered what Mike thought of her. I bet he loved working with women who looked like that, day in, day out. How disappointing when the author of this sexy book had turned up looking like she was going to Sainsburys.

“Are you busy, Di?” he asked quietly. She looked up from her script and her beautiful smile lit up her already immaculate face. Making me feel ugly.

“Oh hi Mike,” she said in her strong South African accent. She then looked at me. “Oh my God Dixie Prowse! I recognise you from the picture on your book. You’re so gorgeous, come and talk to me.”

“I’ll leave you ladies to it,” Mike smiled and he walked off to speak to one of the props guys.

“I’ve read every single one of your books,” Dianne said. “You must have had so many adventures, you naughty girl.”

“A few, but it’s mainly fantasy.”

“I wish that scene in Honey was in this book, you know the one with the two racing drivers. I’d love to act that out. Was it based on fact?”

I glanced over to Mike. He smiled when he spoke, and gesticulated a lot with his hands. His profile was perfect, from his nose to his jaw that jutted out slightly. I looked at his left hand. There was no wedding ring, but that didn’t mean anything these days.

Dianne. She’d spoken to me and I’d ignored her. I felt so bad

“I er, didn’t do half the things I write about,” I lied, just in case Mike could hear me. “I sort of see what I do as no different to fantasy writers. Like science fiction…”

“Well no science fiction as got me as hot as Honey, did.”

She stopped talking and turned around to see where I was looking.

“Don’t worry, he has that effect on most women,” she said quietly.

“I’m so sorry for being rude.” I blushed again. “But he’s so beautiful.”

“I know, and the hot thing is, I don’t think he even realises it.”

“Is he married?”

“I don’t think so, but he’s kind of quiet and keeps himself to himself. He’ll do anything for you, don’t get me wrong. But he’s quite shy.”

Mike took his radio from his back pocket and spoke into it. He then turned and headed in my direction. I quickly looked away. He made me feel how I did when I was an awkward fifteen year old with a crush on Mr Perkins, my maths teacher. He’d been so good looking, he thought I was mute because I could never speak to him and he ended up calling my mum into the school because he thought I had a learning disability!

“We’ve got to leave the set now, Dixie,” he said. “They’re going for a take.”

“Okay, thank you.” I looked at Dianne. “It was nice meeting you.”

“And you. Stick around, have lunch with me. We can talk about that thing some more.” Mike wouldn’t have seen her dart her eyes in his direction.

“Sure, I’d like that.”

Mike and I left the casino set and he led me back over to Tina. Was that it? Was that going to be my only contact with him? I truly felt as though I would die if I was never near him again.

“What do you think of our Dianne?” Tina asked.

“She’s lovely, she’s asked me to stick around and have lunch with her.”

“Thank you for looking after Dixie, Mike,” Tina said.

“Is there anything I can do to help while I wait for Dianne?” I blurted out, hoping he had something I could do, just so I could stay by him.

“You’re our guest,” Tina said. “You can’t work.”

“Carmen can’t make it,” Mike said. “Surely Dixie would be a perfect stand in.”

“I can’t act!” I looked at him. He blushed slightly and smiled mischievously, his beautiful brown eyes twinkling. All I could think about was kissing his lovely lips….

“Carmen is our intimacy coach,” Tina said. “If anyone can tell the actors what they should he doing, it’s you.”

“Okay, what would be required of me?”

“Mike go and get her a script and show her the set.”

He walked off and I followed like a little puppy.

“I’m sorry for this,” I mumbled. “You must have work to do.”

“This is all part of the work. I’ll take you to the set, then go and grab you a script.”

We went to another set, which looked like a hotel room. My brain was so foggy, I didn’t even know what scene it was for. I sat upon the bed, and Mike lent against a table in front of me, folding his arms across his chest. For the first time, I looked at him in a sexual way, as his shirt rode up slightly, and I could see the bulge in his jeans. He was well-endowed. Of course he would be, he had no faults.

“Recognise this scene?” he smiled.

“Er, is it where Bella sleeps with the Arab guy?”

“Yeah, it’s the next scene we’re shooting. You’ll be helping Dianne and Sharif get comfortable around each other and no boundaries are crossed.”

“Whereabouts in Yorkshire are you from?” I blurted it out. I didn’t care about the film or the actors or the scene. I just wanted to know about him.

“Dewsbury,” he smiled.

“My gran was from Haworth.”

He smiled shyly, then made a point of looking at his radio, as if he was expecting something. He then put it back in his pocket.

“How many times did you have to go to the Bronte house?” he asked.

“Every time we visited her in the summer holidays.”

“I must have gone about six times while I was at school. When you’ve seen it once….still it was marginally less boring than York Minster.”

“Do you live in London now though?”

“Yeah, Fulham.”

“I live in Hammersmith.” At least my flat was in Hammersmith. I didn’t feel the need to tell him I spent most of my time down in Surrey with my boyfriend.

“At least you didn’t have far to come. Anyway, let me get that script for you.”

He walked away and it felt as though he’d taken a part of me with him. I didn’t understand my feelings. I had experienced lust at first sight on more occasions than I could count. I’d get off on that adrenaline rush of seeing someone I desired and chasing them, hoping I could conquer them. But this was different. If I wanted to be stupid, this felt like love at first sight. I didn’t even think love at first sight existed. How could you love someone you didn’t even know? It was just physical attraction. Mike was so handsome, and he had a nice, athletic physique. When he walked, his jeans clung to his thighs and I could see they were muscular and his legs were long, and when he moved his arms, you could see the shape of his muscles. I just knew he was probably as beautiful naked as he was clothed, and if I’d allowed my mind to wander, I knew I’d like nothing more than for him to ride me into next year. But that wasn’t so important. All I wanted was to be near him. He intrigued me. I couldn’t believe someone so gorgeous could have a total lack of self-awareness. He must have had women throwing themselves at him all the time. Did he live in his own little world?

He retuned with the script, and the assistant director, a very camp German man called Wolfie.

“Wolfie will take you through everything, Dixie,” Mike said. “It was nice to meet you.”

He left us and I wanted to burst out crying. If that was going to be the last time I ever saw him, then if felt as though I might as well jump off one of the high gantries above, because I wanted to die.

I stayed for the rest of the day, doing my best to help Dianne and Sharif get into character so they could act as though they were making love, without it being too explicit – which was funny given how dirty my book was. We then broke for lunch, piling outside to the catering trucks. I sat and chatted with Dianne, and Lauren, one of the other actresses, trying to concentrate, but then I looked out of the window and noticed Mike outside, chatting with some of the crew. They were sharing a joke, and when he laughed, his threw his head back in pure enjoyment like a child. He was so genial and normal compared to most of the guys I met. He appealed to Dixie, the ordinary girl. Not the sex siren who wrote those rude books and had had so many adventures. He appealed to that girl who’d waited until she was nineteen, to lose her virginity in the hope she could build a future with her boyfriend. I thought I’d buried her away, but Mike had revived her and it felt nice but painful at the same time.

Filming wrapped for the day. I deliberately hung about, saying long goodbyes to people, hoping I’d see Mike, but he was nowhere to be seen. So, with a heavy heart, I walked to my car, and as soon as I got in, I started to cry. The last man who’d evoked such emotion in me had been Ben, my virgin lover in America, but that had been after we’d slept together. I’d never even touched Mike. But the thought of never seeing him again physically hurt, like someone had ripped my heart out and replaced it with a knot of pain. I was so confused and didn’t know what was happening to me.

The tears subsided and I went to start the car. The engine wouldn’t even turn and I cursed Rick. It had been playing up for weeks, and he said he’d be able to fix it as he’d worked as a mechanic back in Australia. He’d bodged it up enough to get me here this morning, and now I was stranded and had no choice but to call the AA.

I’d just taken my phone out, when there was a knock on my window. I thought I was seeing things. Mike was crouching beside me, a curious smile on his face. I lowered the window and did my best to stifle the huge grin that broke out on my face because I was so happy to see him again.

“You okay?” he asked.

“No, my stupid b…..mechanic said he’d fixed the car, but he’s just made it worse.”

“I can give you a lift if you like. You don’t live far from me.”

“Yes!” I gasped excitedly. “Yes, thank you. I’ll get the AA out tomorrow.”

“Okay, hang on. I’ll be back in a minute.”

He got up and walked off back into the hangar. I watched him go. He had a lovely, high, firm backside, and a confident, manly walk, despite his shyness. I thought about what Dianne had said about him keeping his personal life to himself. Did that mean he was gay? If that perfect specimen of manhood was gay, it really did mean God hated women.

I felt so excited at the thought of spending time with him in the car. I hoped I looked okay. I thought about what Rick had said about me looking as though I was going to the supermarket. I wished I could magic some sexy outfit up, so Mike would find me as attractive as I did him. I couldn’t believe how insecure I was feeling. I had spent so many years making sure I was the person I wanted to be, and never apologising, and here I was, worried because I looked a bit plain, for a man I barely knew.

He remerged from the studio, and my heart did a little flip. He was accompanied by a big, beefy man in a vest and dirty jeans. He looked like a big, gay bear. Oh God, what if he was Mike’s boyfriend and he was coming home with us?

I took a deep breath and got out of the car, preparing myself for the worst.

“This is Jamie, Dixie,” Mike said. “He looks after all the vehicles on set. He’ll have a look at your car a bit later.”

“Thank you,” I said, the relief gushing from me. “Thank you so much Jamie. I’ll leave you my key fob.”

“No problems,” Jamie said in a gruff Welsh accent. “It’ll be working fine for you by the morning.”

I left my things with Jamie and walked with Mike to his car, a VW Golf in electric blue. I hadn’t felt this excited to be getting into a car with a man since when my first crush, Simon’s dad gave us a lift back from ice skating, when I was fourteen. I got to sit in the back seat with Simon, all the way home. Except I was so shy I couldn’t speak to him, and I wondered if I’d have the same problem with Mike.

I was shocked at how messy the inside of his car was. Rick’s Tesla was immaculate, and if I so much as dropped a tissue, he would complain. The floor of Mike’s car was muddy, there were papers and cables all over the back seat, and I had to move a shooting schedule off the passenger seat so I could sit down.

“It’s a tip, I know,” he laughed, as he put his seatbelt on. “I will get round to valeting it.”

“It looks lived in,” I said. “It’s….comfortable.”

He looked at me briefly and smiled.

“You can tell you’re a writer,” he laughed. “You can make anything sound good.”

’Oh, please, take me here and now’ I hoped I hadn’t said that out loud.

He started the car and drove off. I wanted to watch him drive. You could tell a lot about what a man was like in bed by the way he drove. Rick sped a lot and had no patience; and I remember Rocco was aggressive and used to shout at people. Rocco…The only other man I’d loved. What did I mean, other? Who was the other one?

“So have you been a floor manager long?” I managed to ask Mike, trying to be polite. He seemed to be a very confident driver – relaxed but in control. He was probably the sort who spent hours making love to you so you’d come….oh God stop thinking these thoughts Dixie, you have a boyfriend.

“Ten years now. When I was at uni I dreamed of becoming a great director. But like everyone else, I fell into a more mundane role. I started off as a runner, and when people saw how boring and organised I was, I sort of fell into floor management.”

“Nothing wrong with being organised. When I was at school, all my friends used to laugh at me because I had a different colour cover on my exercise book for each lesson, and made sure it had post it notes to match.”

He gave that relaxed, happy laugh, making his Adam’s apple bob up and down in his beautiful, long neck.

“Even I weren’t that bad.”

“So what film made you want to become a director?”

“I originally wanted to work in television. As a kid I loved I’m Alan Partridge.”

“Me too!” I squealed, forgetting my nerves. I’d spent so long trying to explain the genius of Alan Partridge, to Rick, and he still never got it. “Favourite episode?”

“Basic Alan!” We both said it at the same time and burst out laughing. The episode where Alan is left alone in the hotel while it’s being refurbished was the funniest thing I’d ever seen.

“Are you alreet Alan?” Mike’s impersonation of Michael, the dim-witted Geordie petrol station attendant was spot on and made me laugh.

“I can quote that episode word for word,” I said. “I usually put it on when I’m feeling miserable.”

“Me too. I loved it so much, me mum wrote to the BBC to ask if I could have a summer job working on the show, bless her. They didn’t reply, but the ironic thing was, one of the first things I ever worked on after uni, was a show with Steve Coogan.”

“Did you tell him how much you loved Partridge?”

“No! I couldn’t speak to him, I was too nervous.”

“The same thing happened when I first signed with my agent. She also represents Isabelle Grace, who’s one of my favourite authors. She was in the kitchen once, when I went to get a cup of coffee. She said hello, and I was so in awe, all I could do was cough and walk out. She must have thought I was some sort of moron.”

He glanced at me once more.

“You’re nothing like I thought you’d be,” he said.

“What did you think I’d be like?”

“Scary. I confess I read Bad Girl when I knew I was going to be working on the film. I couldn’t put it down. I thought anyone who could write that must be some sort of….I don’t actually know the word.

“It’s all crap,” I said. “You know, JK Rowling has never met a boy wizard, but Harry Potter is pretty convincing.” Surely I wasn’t trying to appear virginal to him. No man who read one of my books would think I was a virgin.

“Have you always written that sort of thing?”

“I just sort of fell into it. I was always the one my friends came to for relationship advice when I was at school. I don’t know why, I didn’t even have a boyfriend until I was nineteen, but everyone thought because I was so sensible and together, I must have been really experienced. When I started in journalism, I ended up writing articles about relationships and it went from there.”

“I tried writing poetry at school,” he laughed. “I had a massive crush on this girl called Colleen O’Donoghue and she was crazy about Byron, so I grew my hair to look like him, and I wrote poems and left them in her locker. But I kept incorporating lyrics from Blink 182 because I was so into them, and she thought I was a complete weirdo.”

He was straight. Thank heavens for that. He was heterosexual!

“So it didn’t work?” I said.

“No. She’s married to a guy who owns a horror themed restaurant in Bridlington now. He plays Dracula.”

“Dracula….Byron….all pretty dark.”

“And I bet Colleen is still a Goth.”

I looked out the window and realised we were coming off the Hammersmith Flyover. I was nearly home. Tears filled my eyes. Soon I would have to say goodbye to him.

“Thank you for his,” I said. “I could have got a cab.”

“It’s not a problem, I come this way anyway. Now, you’re gonna have to direct me to your street.”

I lived just off the Shepherds Bush Road in a new-build apartment. I usually loved my little flat, but I had never been so disappointed to see it, because it meant Mike and I would have to part. I would have asked him up for a drink, but I was Dixie Prowse, he’d automatically assume I was asking him in for sex. Although right at that moment, the thought of having sex with him was the most beautiful, wonderful thing I could imagine.

“This is me,” I said as we pulled up outside. “Once again, thank you.”

“Thank you for the company. Better give me your number in case Jamie contacts me to say there’s something major wrong with your car.”

“Yes of course.”

We exchanged numbers and I made a promise to myself not to send him any raunchy pictures of myself like I normally did to men I fancied. Instead I just smiled, and he at me, his lovely soft eyes quickly looking away. I thanked him again and got out of the car.

As soon as I got into my flat, I rushed to the window, just to catch sight of him driving out of my street, watching his tail lights disappear down Shepherds Bush Road. I burst out crying. It felt as though I was going mad. I flopped onto the sofa and cried so hard that my chest hurt. Convinced if I didn’t see him again I would die.

I tired myself out, because the next thing I knew, my phone was ringing and it woke me up. It was Rick, and seeing his name made me feel a bit guilty. He was my boyfriend and yet here I was, besotted with another man who I’d known for a day.

“Where are you?” he asked. “You didn’t come home.”

“I’ve come back to my flat,” I said. “I’m tired after being on set all day.”

“How did it go?”

“It was okay, except my car wouldn’t start, so I had to get a lift home. One of the mechanics on set is looking at it for me.”

“You need a new car. If I get the Burberry campaign, I’ll buy you one.”

“Thank you. Look, I’m really tired. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“But I was going to cook us dinner to celebrate your day on set.”

“Tomorrow, I promise.”

I came off the phone, had a shower and changed into my pyjamas. I didn’t even want to eat. I curled up in bed, on my phone, searching for Mike. I found his Linkedin page. I stroked the profile picture of his beautiful face. I read about all the jobs he’d done and saw that from 2012 to 2015 he’d lived in LA. I wondered if it was because of the work he was doing, or a woman was involved. Maybe he was married to an American. Just because he didn’t wear a wedding ring, it didn’t mean a thing. After all, he was working on a set full of beautiful women. Maybe he thought he’d try his luck. He didn’t seem the type, but he was a man, after all. A gorgeous, funny, handsome, helpful, kind, lovely man. That pain tore through me again. How could I never see him again? How could I live?

I dozed off to sleep and was awoken by the doorbell ringing. Hope rose in my heart. Maybe I’d left something in Mike’s car and he was bringing it back. It was almost ten o’clock, I couldn’t just send him on his way, I’d have to invite him in for at least a coffee..

I went to my video door entry system an saw it was Rick, holding up a carrier bag.

“I’ve brought you dinner!”

I buzzed and let him in. He came into the flat, and as I looked at him, I tried to summon up the same lustful feelings for his beautiful body and perfect face, that usually stirred in me, but I felt nothing. All that was stirred were feelings of hunger from the smell of the Thai food in the bag. But when it came to it, I couldn’t even eat that. All I did was push the food round my plate. Meanwhile Rick demolished his in minutes.

“I think you need a holiday,” he said, downing his can of beer. “How about coming home with me for a few weeks?”

“To Sydney?”

“Why not? Mum and Dad would love to meet you.”

“I’m supposed to be starting my new book…..”

“What better than to write it in Australia? Make it all about a hot English girl who seduces this Aussie guy, and she’s the best he’s ever had.”

I smiled at his flattery, but didn’t know how to react. Normally I’d make a show of living up to my reputation. I’d be on my hands and knees, getting his cock out and proving what a great lover I was, but I felt strangely reticent.

“You look like you need a cuddle,” he said. “Come on, sit on my lap.”

I knew what he wanted, and I was too tired to argue. I got off my seat and sat on his lap, my legs straddling his. He smiled at me, pushing my fringe off my face.

“I’m sorry about what I said this morning,” he said softly. “You’re beautiful, no matter what you wear. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met.”

He kissed me and I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him in return. I closed my eyes and all I could see was Mike’s face. That shy smile when we’d held eye contact briefly when I got out of the car. I automatically jerked away.

“Are you alright?” Rick asked.

“I’m fine, I’m sorry.” I felt so bad for being like this. I tried to kiss him with as much enthusiasm as I could muster, keeping my eyes open, and when he undid my pyjama top and started playing with my nipples, my body reacted in its normal way and I got turned on. While I took off my pyjama bottoms, Rick raised his hips and pulled down his trousers and shorts. He was really hard, and I wondered if my vulnerability had been a turn on for him. I climbed upon him, pushing him deep inside me. He moaned and gripped me tightly. I moved my hips slowly, how he liked it. I felt terrible for my feelings for Mike, so the least I could do would be to give Rick a good time.

“Oh yes,” he groaned, digging his nails into my back. “You sexy bitch.”

Instead of keeping my eyes open, watching him lose himself, and getting off on that, I was tired and I closed my eyes. It was a mistake. All I could see was Mike. All I could picture was him in that bedroom set, when his shirt had ridden up and I’d seen the outline of his balls, and the way his shirt showed his muscles. I wished he’d got on the bed with me. I imagined he had. I imagined he’d laid on the bed, letting me straddle him, caressing his body as I rode him.

The more excited I became, I tighter I gripped Rick’s short, fair hair, imagining it was Mike’s shiny dark locks. I imagined pulling it and making him moan.

I thought about him laughing with the crew earlier on, the way his head went back. I wondered if his head went back when he came. All could think about was his beautiful face contorted in ecstasy as I thrust on top of him. It was too much, I was coming, grinding myself into Rick, imagining it was Mike high inside me as waves of pleasure engulfed me.

“I love you!” I cried as I came, my body bucking into Rick’s. “I love you! I love you!”

I started to calm down and I realised what I’d said and I felt shaken. I hadn’t even meant it about Rick. I’d meant it about Mike. I loved him. How could I love him when I didn’t even properly know him? But I did. I loved him totally.

Rick came with a triumphant cry and I flopped against him, holding him, feeling like an awful human being. Rick thought I was so overcome with love for him I’d cried it out at the height of passion, when in reality I had been thinking of another man.

“You’ve never shouted that before,” he said, kissing my ear. “Thank you.”

“I get carried away, you know what I’m like. Let’s go to bed, I’m shattered.”

Thankfully Rick didn’t want to make love again, instead he went straight to sleep. I lay awake thinking about what happened. I had a habit of shouting things out when I came, but I’d never shouted that out, not even to Rocco who I had loved. Perhaps I was losing my mind. I had a great aunt who apparently was convinced she was married to the man who ran the butcher’s shop, and she ended up being locked away in an asylum. Maybe I was going the same way. Falling in love with complete strangers and risking ruining my real relationships.

My phone lit up. I picked it up from the bedside table and saw I had a WhatsApp message from an unknown number. I opened it to find a link to a YouTube clip of Alan Partridge calling out ‘Dannn Dannn’ to the wrong person. Under it was written ‘if you don’t mind travelling early, I can pick you up at six am and take you to the studio so you can collect your car – Mike’. My face muscles ached from the broad smile that erupted across it. I looked at the time. It was one thirty six. He was awake and thinking of me, like I was thinking of him. Without a second thought I replied ‘See you at six o’clock, thank you. And thank you for Alan – D’

I couldn’t believe it. I was going to see him again. I’d get to spend time alone with him in his car. I felt a happiness I couldn’t describe to myself, it was like euphoria, like I would never feel this level of joy again for as long as I lived. It was so intoxicating, I couldn’t even feel guilty about Rick. All I could do was count down the hours until six a.m and I would be with Mike again.

Rick was still sleeping by the time I left the house the next day. I left him a note explaining that I’d gone to pick up my car and I’d see him later. I’d been up since 5.15 am, showering and getting ready. I decided to dress up a bit more today and put on a black silk bouse and my black leather leggings. I still didn’t put too much make up on because I didn’t want Mike t think I looked tarty. I just wanted to appear a bit more sexy than I had yesterday.

I practically skipped to Mike’s car. I got in and saw, like me, he was wearing leather today, except his was a brown leather jacket over a white t-shirt. He was wearing sunglasses to block out the bright, spring sunshine and I felt quite sad that I couldn’t see his lovely eyes.

“I hope my message didn’t wake you up,” he said, driving off. “I couldn’t sleep and you’d got me thinking about Alan Partridge. You know what it’s like. You watch one thing and an hour later….”

“It’s okay, I couldn’t sleep either.”

The sun was so bright, even when I pulled the visor down, it was still glaring, making me squint.

“I think there might be a spare pair of sunglasses in the glove compartment,” Mike said.

I opened the glove compartment. There was a crushed up juice carton, a pair of Ray Bans and a toy. Duplo, the large Lego. A figure of a man dressed as a knight. I pulled it out and looked at it.

“You collect these?” I asked.

“It’s my son’s.” I felt my whole world collapse around me. How could I have been so stupid to think someone as handsome as Mike wouldn’t be in a relationship…and they had a child. I felt like such a fool.

“How old is he?” I asked, aware of how strained my voice was, but the pain was strangling me.

“He’s five on Sunday.”

“Are you having a party for him?”

“He’s having one on Friday. My mum’s organising it for his schoolfriends. Sunday is the only day I have off from filming. I’ve got to do something for him but I don’t know what. I’m a terrible dad.”

“Can’t your wife do something?”

He glanced at me.

“Wife? There’s no wife. His mother’s in LA. She’ll probably remember it’s his birthday at about half past ten at night, then I’ll get a text message on Monday morning telling me she’s going to put some money in his account so I can by him a present.”

“You’re not together then?”

“No. She’s now married to Hunter McCoy and has twins.”

Hunter McCoy…..the action hero actor. He was married to….

“You were married to Vera Lopez!!” I exclaimed.

“For my sins.”

I was speechless. Vera Lopez was one of the most beautiful actresses in the world. I wasn’t surprised that someone as gorgeous as Mike would be able to attract her. It was just that he seemed so down to earth and normal, and she was known to be a complete nightmare.

“Wow,” was all I could manage to say. I suddenly felt very plain and wished I’d put make up on. “She’s beautiful.”

“She also dumped our six month old son on me and went back to LA. Besides, she has a whole team of stylists to make her look like that. I’ve seen her first thing of a morning, believe you me, she’s not naturally beautiful like……like some people are.”

“Why did she leave you?”

“She got bored. A lot of her friends had married English guys and she wanted one too. We met through friends out in Los Angeles when I was working there. Vera is very sweet until she gets what she wants. We got married, but when she fell pregnant she decided she wanted to come over here to have the baby because our education system is so much better. I was glad to come back to be honest. I was missing my family. Anyway, Vera had Timmy….”

“Timmy, that’s such a cute name.”

Mike chuckled.

“He’s Timothy when he’s naughty. Anyway, she then got the chance to be part of the She Wolves franchise and she decided it was probably for the best that Timmy and me stayed in London and she went back to the States. So there I was, left on my own with a six month old baby. Luckily my mum and step-dad live in Ruislip and Tim lives with them when I’m working.”

Mike was a single dad. I’d never dated one of those before. He was an actual, proper ‘daddy’.

“So there you go,” he laughed. “She went from me to Hunter McCoy.”

“She downgraded.” I blushed. I couldn’t believe I just said that out loud.

“You’re very kind,” he said. “But I don’t think many women would agree.”

I wanted to tell him what Dianne said, that all the women on set thought he was gorgeous; and how could Vera Lopez dump someone as beautiful as him for a meat-head like Hunter McCoy? But I feared I would never stop gushing about how lovely he was.

“You must be very busy,” I said.

“Aye, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I just wish I knew what to do for Tim’s birthday.’” He looked at me. “What about you? You ever been married?”

“No, never even got close. My mum’s always said I’m girlfriend material, not wife material.”

“Does your mum know about your books?”

“Yeah but she’s never read one. I hope she hasn’t, anyway!”

Before I knew it, we were pulling into the car park of the studio. Whenever I was with Mike, time seemed to fly and I wanted it to stretch on and on. I wanted to spend every minute with him. I wanted to know everything about him. I didn’t care he had a little boy. I’d never been particularly maternal, but the thought of a little version of him was adorable. God, what was the fucking matter with my brain?

“Thank you so much,” I said as we pulled up alongside my car. “I’ll come in with you and find Jamie, see if he’s fixed it.”

He stopped the engine and took the sunglasses off and it was like seeing those lovely chocolate brown eyes again for the first time and I caught my breath.

“So, are you going home?” he asked. “Or are you going to hang around?”

“Do you think Tina would mind me hanging around for the day, again?”

“We always need runners, if you don’t mind making tea and running errands.”

“I make a very good cup of tea as it happens.”

“Good,” he smiled. “You can start now. I’ll have a strong cup of Yorkshire tea and a bacon butty, brown sauce.”

“Blimey!” I laughed “What did your last servant die of?”

I have done a lot of exciting things in my life. I’ve stood at the side of stages while major rock stars played to a hundred thousand screaming fans, knowing it was me they’d be taking home to fuck. I’ve stayed on yachts sailing round the Med, belonging to men so rich they could hire a whole island for a weekend for us to holiday on, but nothing touched today. Hanging around with Mike, running errands for him. Helping him and the rest of the crew setting up shots, just sitting with the other runners chatting, while I watched him doing his job. It was the happiest day of my life. In my own, reckless, typical, impulsive way, I had fallen head over heels in love with a man I’d known for two days. I couldn’t help it. I had no idea how he felt about me. I thought he liked me, and he felt comfortable enough to open up to me about his marriage, but people usually felt that way about me. It didn’t mean they were in love with me.

I had a break and went to the canteen to get a cup of tea and have a bit of alone time to get my head round things. Naturally the first thing I did was go on Vera Lopez’s Wikipedia page. The photo was of her playing Aphrodite – probably her most famous role. She was so beautiful with her perfect olive skin, long black shiny hair and sultry looks. Her body was the perfect hour-glass and she had natural, massive boobs. Mike had made love to that woman. The lucky bitch….

I read the Wikipedia entry and indeed it said from 2014 to 2017 she was married to and Englishman and had a son. But most of it was about her marriage to Hunter McCoy and their one year old twins. I’d not wanted to say anything to Mike, but I’d slept with men like Hunter McCoy. They were all muscles and no brains, and quite often used steroids to maintain their bodies, which would shrink their cocks or make them impotent. I’d dated one guy like that when I was in Florida a few years ago, and he actually had to use a penis pump. We never had proper sex once.

I distracted myself by going onto Instagram to see what my friends were up to. It was when I saw my friend Natalie showing off her engagement ring, whist having dinner in the Ritz with her fiancé, that I got a flash of inspiration. She worked in the PR department of ZSL, the company that ran London Zoo. Could I call in a favour?

I called her, hoping and praying she was at work. She picked up the phone and her first words were;

“Have you met anyone famous on set?”

“A few people. I was wondering if you could do me a massive favour. One of the guys here, he’s really sweet. His little boy is five on Sunday and he’s so busy working on my film, he hasn’t had time to arrange anything. I was wondering, do you do VIP packages or anything like that? I’ll pay.”

“Hot, is he?” she laughed.

“I have a boyfriend, remember. No, he’s just a nice guy. It would be great to arrange something for him.”

“Well we can do the VIP package. One of our guides will take him and his little boy round. There’s a meal in the café, a complimentary toy, and his little boy can feed the animals in the petting zoo.”

“That sounds perfect. Can you arrange it? Just send me the invoice.”

“Is Mummy going too?” I could hear the cynicism in her voice.

“There is no mummy. But make it for three people, Mike might want to bring his mum.”

“Come on, this is me Dix. I’ve known you since we were four. How hot is this guy on a scale of one to ten.”

“A thousand.”

“Wow, and he’s got a kid. That’s a big responsibility.”

“I don’t care,” I sighed. “I mean, I don’t care because I have Rick.”

“This guy must be something to turn your head when you have Rick. He’s like a God.”

“Yes, yes he is. I’m very lucky.”

I went back into the studio. Mike was on set with Keeley, one of the supporting actors who played Bella’s friend. She was gorgeous – about fifteen years younger than me, with long auburn hair, a beautiful face and a perfect body, which at this moment was clad in nothing but a very short silk slip. Mike was showing her something on the script, but I could see her gazing at his face, and I felt so jealous I wanted to scream at her and tell her to leave him alone. Instead, I calmly walked up to them and asked Mike if I could have a word. To my surprise he left the gorgeous Keeley without a moment’s hesitation and took me to one side.

“Is everything okay?” he asked.

“I hope you don’t mind, but one of my friends works in PR for London Zoo. I spoke to her, and if you want it, on Sunday, you can take Timmy there and he can have a VIP experience, where he gets his own tour guide and a meal and various things.”

He smiled broadly, his eyes twinkling. I don’t know how I didn’t grab him and kiss him.

“You did that?”

“You were kind enough to give me a lift and pick me up. I thought I’d repay you. I told Natalie to make it for three people, in case your mum wants to go.”

“Well I think the person who organised it should go. That’s if you’re not doing anything?”

“I’m not!” Rick liked us to spend Sunday in the pub with his rugby mates, but be could go on his own. “I’d love to go.”

“I can’t believe you did that for me and Tim. Thank you.”

He gripped my shoulders and kissed me on the cheek. He then let me go and went back on set, but I stood there, unable to move, wanting to clutch my cheek to preserve his kiss forever - like some virginal Victorian heroine. I was going to spend Sunday with him and I couldn’t wait.

I couldn’t go back on set for the rest of the week because of work commitments. I was touring bookshops, giving talks on my latest book. But most of the time I was thinking about Mike. We’d send each other silly quotes from Alan Partridge, but it didn’t stop me wondering what was happening on set. He was surrounded by insanely beautiful girls, and I had no idea how he felt about me. The kiss on the cheek had been lovely, but it was no more than him thanking me for my kindness. But he’d touched me now, and I wanted him to touch me again. I wasn’t sure if I could cope with just being friends.

I didn’t sleep Saturday night. I told Rick I wanted to spend the weekend by myself because I needed to write. He accepted this without question and I felt bad. But I had to follow my heart. I couldn’t pretend I wasn’t nervous about meeting Timmy. I’d never been particularly good with small children. I think they could sense I was nervous and they wouldn’t speak to me. I hated the thought of Timmy not liking me. Then I asked myself why? I wasn’t auditioning to be his new mummy. I was just joining him and Mike to make up the numbers.

Mike picked me up at nine thirty on Sunday morning. As I approached the car, I could see the little person sitting in the backseat, and I took a deep breath and got into the passenger seat. Mike gave me a happy smile. He was wearing a light denim shirt and black jeans. He had a few of the buttons undone on the shirt and I could see his chest. I had to look away and instead turned to Timmy. He had a mop of dark hair like his dad, but I couldn’t see his face because he was studying something on his iPad.

“Tim, say hello to Dixie,” Mike said.

“Hello Dixie,” he said, and when he briefly looked at me, I was taken by how much he looked like his mother. He was a beautiful child and I wondered how she could have abandoned him.

“Happy Birthday,” I said. “I hope you got lots of presents.”

“Daddy didn’t get me a pengwing.”

“He’s obsessed with penguins,” Mike sighed. “Thank God we’re going to the zoo where there’s hundreds of them. You’re a genius, Dixie.”

I had such a fun day. As Natalie promised, we had our own personal guide, a nice young guy called Craig, who showed us around, telling Timmy about each animal. When we got to the penguins, Craig let him feed one of them with a fish, and Timmy was ecstatic. I looked at Mike s face as he watched on, and the look of pure love he had for his son – his happiness at seeing him happy, made me want to cry. I loved him so much. It didn’t matter that I’d known him for a week. It felt as though my whole life had been a preparation for this moment. I didn’t want anyone else. I made up my mind that I was going to finish with Rick. Even if Mike didn’t want me, it didn’t matter. I couldn’t be with someone else. The thought of having sex with someone else made me feel repulsed, and that was the first time I’d ever felt this way.

We had afternoon tea in the café. Timmy was full of beans, fidgeting in his seat, talking about all the animals, and playing with the stuffed penguin he’d got. He was a lovely little boy, but I tried to remain detached. What if today was it and Mike never wanted to see me again? It would hurt enough not seeing him, let alone if I’d let Timmy into my heart as well

“Thank you for inviting me,” I said. “Timmy’s gorgeous. His mother’s missing out.”

“I don’t know what I’ll do when he starts asking about her. Stick one of her films on, I guess!”

My phone started to ring. It was on the table and it clearly said ‘Rick’. I quickly pressed decline.

“Someone you don’t want to talk to?” Mike said.

“Just a friend.”

It rang again.

“I think he wants to speak to you.”

I sighed and answered it, turning to the window, letting Mike chat to Timmy.

“I got it!” Rick shouted. “I’ve just got the call. I’ve got the Burberry campaign.”

“Congratulations.”

“I’m gonna buy you a car, baby.”

“Rick I’ve got to go, I’m trying to write.”

“It sounds as though you’re in a café.”

“I went to the local café to have a break. I’ll speak to you later.”

I hung up and blushed as Mike looked at me.

“Boyfriend?” he asked.

“Yes.” I was devastated. Now Mike knew I was with someone…my eyes filled with burning tears. I cursed fucking Rick for ruining everything. “Excuse me.”

I got up and practically ran to the ladies. I locked myself in a cubicle and sobbed. I don’t think I had ever cried as much in my entire life as I had that past week. Mike must have thought me such a fucking idiot. It took ages to calm myself down. I went out and saw my face was red and puffy and I splashed it with cold water. When I went back into the café, both Mike and Timmy were looking at me.

“I’ve had too much lemonade,” I smiled to Timmy. “Sorry about that.”

I sat back down and wondered what was the point of it all now.

“I knew you had a boyfriend,” Mike said quietly. “Dianne told me you were going out with a male model.”

I looked at him, and for the first time, something proper passed between us. He held my gaze, almost challenging me to say something.

“Did you ask her? Or did she tell you?” I managed to utter.

“I asked her.”

I squeezed my lips together to stifle the little squeal of delight I wanted to omit, but I think my eyes must have given me away because Mike chuckled and looked at Timmy.

“Nearly time to take you back to Granny, champ,” he said. “You look done in.”

“Can’t I feed a lion, Daddy?” Timmy whined.

“No, because they’ve already had their tea. Come on, let’s go for a pee and we’ll make a move.”

While they were gone, a thousand thoughts raced through my mind. What was going to happen now? Why had Mike asked Dianne about my love life? How did he feel about me having a boyfriend? Did he want to shag me, and if so, who did he want to shag? Me or ‘Dixie Prowse’?

They came back from the bathroom and we left. Luckily Timmy did all the talking, so me and Mike didn’t have to. I felt so awkward, aroused, confused and excited at the same time and it was like my head was going to explode.

As we drove back to Ruislip, Timmy fell asleep in the back of the car, meaning Mike and I had to talk. Thankfully he made the first move.

“So, how long have you been with the male model?” he asked.

“Six months. It’s not serious.”

“How come you didn’t tell him where you were going today?”

“It’s none of his business. I’m sure he doesn’t tell me every time he goes out with a friend. Male or female.”

“So we’re friends then?”

I looked at him. I couldn’t read the smirk on his face and it was driving me mad. It was as though he knew exactly how to wind me up without doing very much. It was such a fucking turn on, and for the first time since meeting him I felt really horny and all I could think about was sex. I wanted to rip that shirt off and feel his body, and I wanted to suck him so badly, my mouth was watering….

“I’d like to think so,” I said. “I don’t hang around with just anyone’s children.” I burst out laughing. “That sounds so inappropriate.”

He laughed too, and the atmosphere in the car lightened somewhat.

As soon as we pulled up outside the semi-detached house in Ruislip where Mike’s mum and step-dad lived, the door opened and a very glamorous elderly woman with a neat blonde bob came out.

“Is that your mum?” I asked.

“Aye. She can be a bit excitable. Just ignore her.”

He got out of the car and set about getting the still sleeping Timmy from the backseat. His mum came round to my side of the car and crouched down. I wound the window down and saw her close up. She was very pretty. Mike had inherited her beautiful brown eyes and perfect nose.

“Are you Dixie? Mike said you might drop by. I’m Wendy. I love your books.”

“Mum,” Mike groaned.

“Oh stop being such a prude, Michael. This young lady has done wonders for a lot of people’s love lives. How much of it is true, Dixie?”

“Very little,” I lied. “I have a vivid imagination.”

“You’re so clever. Would you like to come in for a drink?”

“Dixie needs to be getting home,” Mike said, carrying Timmy into the house.

“He can be so grumpy,” Wendy sighed. “He needs the love of a good woman.”

How did I answer that? I loved him, but most women would not want their son with a woman with a past like mine.

“I’m sure there’s someone out there for him,” I said.

“I’m sure there is.” Her smile was enigmatic. “Well, it was nice to meet you, Dixie. Come again soon.”

“I will and I’ll bring a signed copy of one of my books.”

Mike came back out, kissed his mum goodbye and got into the car.

“I’m sorry about her,” he laughed. “She always hijacks our friends. She used to go clubbing with Sarah, my sister, and her pals.”

“Wendy’s lovely. When did your parents split up?”

“About ten years ago when I was in the States. They hadn’t been happy for years. Mum’s a live-wire, as you can probably tell, and Dad is your stereotypical dour Yorkshireman. He’s still in Dewsbury. He retired a few years ago and spends most of his time with the shooting club.”

“What did he do?”

“Police Inspector. Mum was a nurse.”

“So was my mum! Dad was a radiologist. They’re both retired now.”

“Our parents did such important jobs, now look at us, you write smut and I run around wiping the backsides of overpaid actors!”

We reached Hammersmith Flyover, and I had no idea what was going to happen now. It felt like we had unfinished business but I didn’t even know what it was. We got stuck in emergency roadworks and this just added to my anticipation.

“Are you hungry?” he asked.

“A bit.”

“Do you fancy getting something to eat?”

“I’ve got a fridge full of pizzas,” I said. “I can’t resist a two for one offer and I came away from Waitrose with six pizzas just for me!”

“You don’t live with the boyfriend then?”

“I stay at his place sometimes. Like I said, it isn’t serious.”

By the time we entered my flat, I was shaking from head to toe. I had no idea what this was. Two friends sharing a pizza, or did he plan on spending the night? I wanted that more than anything, and in normal circumstances, I would try my luck, and if he rejected me, I’d shrug it off and move on. But I couldn’t stand the thought of Mike rejecting me.”

“Nice place,” he said, sitting on the sofa. “You lived here long?”

“A couple of years. Can I get you a drink?”

“Have you got a beer?”

“Sure. And is pepperoni pizza okay?”

“Perfect,” he smiled.

I put the pizzas in the oven and got two cold bottles of Stella from the fridge. I went back into the living room and saw Mike was flicking through the latest copy of Cosmopolitan. I’d written an article on the weird things that turned women on. Sex sex sex. Everything about me was about sex. Did he find that a turn off?

I sat beside him and passed him the beer. I tried not to stare at him. His shirt was gaping slightly and I could see his chest. The lamp beside the sofa was picking out dark gold flecks in the slight waves in his hair. Even now his beauty made me catch my breath. I had to look away, gulping down half the bottle of beer in one go.

“Thank you for today,” he said. “If it had been left to me, Tim would have got a Happy Meal at McDonalds.”

“It was no trouble.”

He put the magazine down and looked at me

“I feel like I should repay you. If I took you to dinner, would the male model come after me?”

“No, we’re finished.”

“Didn’t sound like it this afternoon.”

“I’m going to finish with him. We have nothing in common.”

“Why did you go out with him, then?”

“I was flattered I suppose. He’s eight years younger than me. I’m pushing forty. I’m getting old.”

He took a sip of his beer, then licked his lips absent-mindedly. I had to look away again.

“But you’re Dixie Prowse,” he said. “You’re a sex goddess.”

“I’m not a sex goddess. If I was some sex goddess I wouldn’t be sitting here shaking, scared to do what I want to do.”

“What do you want to do?”

I took a chance. I leaned forward and brushed his lips with mine. I felt a jolt run through me. I hadn’t felt so moved since the first time I ever kissed a boy. Mike didn’t resist. I grasped the side of his face and kissed him harder, and to my utter joy, he responded, slipping his tongue into my mouth which I felt all over my body. I couldn’t believe I was finally kissing him. It felt as though I had waited my entire thirty eight years to kiss this man.

I got carried away and climbed upon him, my legs straddling his slim hips. I couldn’t help myself, I buried my hands in his soft, silky hair, feeling it was as lovely as I’d imagined it. I kissed his mouth, his cheek, his neck. I felt him hard beneath me. I wanted him inside me so much it hurt. I ground myself against him. He moaned, but grasped my shoulders and eased me away. Please don’t say he was rejecting me.

“I’ve a confession to make,” he said. “I’m a bit rusty. It’s been a couple of years.”

“You haven’t had sex in two years?!”

He blushed and shrugged his shoulders.

“Demanding job….young son to look after…”

“Don’t worry about it,” I whispered, my mouth going to the other side of his neck. “Let me make love to you.”

I pulled away and undid the buttons of his shirt, pulling it open. His chest was muscular and hairless, his skin golden. I stroked his collarbone, his pecs, my fingertips brushing over his nipples. He groaned and I felt him moving underneath me. I helped him off with the shirt and then took off my own t-shirt and bra. His eyes lit up on seeing my boobs. He took hold of both of them, bringing my left breast to his mouth and sucking my nipple. I gave a cry, arching my back as he did it to the other nipple. A part of my brain still couldn’t process that I was making love to Mike. He’d preoccupied my thoughts for a week, and now here he was, semi-naked and sucking my nipples, and stroking my back.

In an unexpected move, he pushed me back onto the sofa and fumbled for the buttons on my jeans. As he sat up to help me take them off, I saw how hard he was, bulging through his trousers. It was so sexy. He was usually so quiet and shy, and here he was, all bold and forceful.

Once I was naked, I lay back opening my legs wide for him. He undid his jeans and pulled them down around his hips. His cock was long and thick and I begged for him to come inside me.

He lay on top of me, our naked bodies pressed together. I could feel his heart beating against mine, and when he entered me I cried with delight. Not just at the sensation, but at the fact I was as close to him as I could possibly be. He raised himself on his elbows and fucked me hard, far harder than I imagined he would. It felt fantastic. I reached up and grasped his broad shoulders, wrapping my legs around him. I came quickly. All the tension and emotion that had built up over the past week came out in the most exquisite release. I cried out, wrapping my arms around him, grasping his hair. Our bodies moving, as he thrust faster and deeper inside me, moaning down my ear. I didn’t want him to come. I wanted this moment to last forever.

“I love you,” he groaned. “I love you so much.” He fell upon me, our sweaty bodies stuck together, our hearts racing. I couldn’t believe what he’d called out as he came. The same thing as I had when I’d fantasised about him when I was with Rick.

He raised his head and looked down at me. His hair was damp and flopping forward. It looked like there were tears in his eyes.

“I do love you,” he said, as if it was a revelation to himself. I felt my own eyes fill with tears, and I reached up and stroked his face.

“I love you too,” I whispered. “I think I loved you from the first moment I saw you.”

He kissed me softly, then looked at me stroking my fringe off my face.

“I thought you were the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen.”

“But you were married to Vera Lopez.”

“Like I said, it takes a lot to get Vera looking like that. I’d expected you to turn up looking like some dominatrix, but you looked so lovely in your shirt and jeans. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. That’s why I asked Dianne if you had a boyfriend and she told me you’d told her over lunch you were dating a male model. I was going to give up, but when I saw your car wouldn’t start, I decided to take a chance.”

“I was so grateful Rick fucked up in his attempt to repair my car. It brought you to me.”

“Are you really going to finish with him? He’s a young male model with no ties. I’m a thirty seven year old single dad who works too much.”

“I don’t care. I love you.”

I pulled him to me and kissed him again, running my hands all over his muscular back. I started to get turned on again. I wanted to make love again. But we had just started kissing passionately when my smoke alarm went off, ruining the moment.

Mike lifted his head and sniffed.

“I smell burning,” he said.

“Oh my God, the pizzas!” I wriggled from under him and ran naked into the kitchen. It was full of smoke. I waved a tea towel under the alarm and turned off the oven. I opened it and saw the pizzas were burnt to a crisp.

“Do you want me to cook something else?” I called out.

“I’m not hungry now.” He was right behind me. His lips were on the back of my neck, softly kissing it. His hands reached round the front of me, taking my breasts, cupping them, running his thumbs over my nipples, squeezing them gently. Darts of the most exquisite pleasure ran down to my pussy and I groaned and turned around. He looked so sexy, half naked, his jeans undone and hanging from his hips, his hair all messy, a sleepy, lusty look in his eyes that took away some of the prettiness. I found this side to him wildly exciting. I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him. I couldn’t kiss him enough. I felt as though I could kiss him forever and never get bored.

He manoeuvred me backwards to the kitchen table. He laid me down on all the papers and bits of rubbish I collected on there. He knelt on the floor, and before he even touched me, I groaned in anticipation. He took his time, kissing my thighs, my belly, running his tongue gently over my mound. I wanted to yell out and beg him to lick me, but I held back. That would sound too much like ‘Dixie Prowse’. I lay back and enjoyed it. He parted my legs wider and I felt his tongue upon my swollen clit. I gasped and clutched the table. He lifted my legs, wrapping them around his shoulders, his hands holding onto my hips. He licked me gently, running his tongue over every part of my aching pussy. I felt him slip his fingers inside me and gently move them, making me gasp. He sucked my clit into his mouth and I could feel myself going. I looked down, and for some reason, the sight of his just shiny hair between my legs, sent me over the edge.

“Don’t stop! I cried. “Please don’t stop!”

He moved his fingers faster and licked harder and I came. My back arched and my hands scrabbled for things on the table, knocking them on the floor. I could hear myself screaming, and before I lost myself completely, I found myself hoping my neighbours didn’t think I was being murdered. The orgasm seemed to last longer than normal, and when I finally came to, Mike pulled away and looked down at his chest.

“That’s never happened before,” he chuckled, sounding amazed. “I thought it only happened in porn films.”

“What?”

He stood up and I could see he was soaking wet, and not just from sweat. I had got so excited I’d squirted, and it was obviously something Vera fucking Lopez had never done!

“You shouldn’t be so good at what you do,” I smiled.

He laughed and pulled down his jeans, stepping out of them. He was rock hard again and it still gave me a thrill to see quiet Mike in this state. He lowered himself onto me. I kissed him, tasting myself on his lips. His mouth moved to my neck, he reached up and took my hands from his hair and pinned them above my head, holding them there. He entered me roughly, making me groan in delight. He was dominant. I’d hoped and prayed he would be. When I’d allowed myself to think about sleeping with him, I’d wondered if his sweet, gentle manner would follow him into the bedroom, and whilst it was nice to take control sometimes, sometimes I wanted someone to pin me down and ride me. And it was so sexy that I was the only person seeing this side to him.

He kept me pinned down while he fucked me swiftly. I looked up at his beautiful face contorting as he lost himself. His head dropped down, his damp hair falling onto my face as he fucked me harder, moaning. In all my years of experience, I think this was the most erotic moment of my life. I came again. Mike finally let my wrists go so I could wrap my arms around him, and he held me closely as we came together. Our bodies seeming to meld and become one.

As we stopped moving, a familiar feeling came over me, one that had happened so much since I met him. My eyes filled with tears and I couldn’t control them. I began to sob. He lifted his sleepy head and looked down at me.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m just so happy,” I wept. “I love you so much.”

He wiped my tears away with his thumbs and smiled.

“I love you too. Shall we go to bed?”

“Yes. Actually, after my little mishap on your chest, why don’t you go and have a shower? I’ve a phone-call to make.”

“Okay. I feel a bit bad. I’ve never been responsible for a couple breaking up before.

“Don’t feel bad. Rick will be better off without me. He’s a nice guy and he deserves someone who loves him. I only love one person.”

Mike smiled proudly, kissed me again and got off me. I told him where my bedroom and bathroom was and he left.

I sat up and took stock. I felt absolutely wonderful. I had that dopey post-orgasmic glow, and my body ached like I’d ran a marathon. But most of all, my heart was full of love. I realised I’d never truly loved any man before. The closest was Rocco, but that relationship had been unhealthy. He’d controlled me in and out of the bedroom. I’d been young and dreamt of a future with him, but it would never have worked. But Mike was different. He was the first person I could imagine growing old with….washing his clothes…cooking his dinner…..having his baby….

I went into the lounge, where I’d left my phone. My hand shook as I called Rick. I hated breaking up with people. I’d not done it that often, they usually dumped me, or the relationship just fizzled out naturally. I’d certainly never left someone for somebody else.

“Hey girl,” Rick said when he answered. “Calling for some late night phone fun?”

“No. I’m so sorry Rick.”

“Are you breaking up with me?”

“Yes, how did you know?”

“You’ve been really distant with me lately. There’s someone else, isn’t there?”

“Why do you say that?”

“I dunno, the other day when we were making love and you kept crying out that you loved me. I got the feeling you were thinking of somebody else.”

“I’m so sorry.” I started crying again.

“How long has it been going on?”

“We slept together for the first time tonight. I don’t want to cheat on you Rick, you deserve so much better. But I don’t love you. I love him.”

“Who is he?”

“It doesn’t matter?”

“Is he a better fuck than me?”

“Don’t torture yourself…”

“Is he as good looking as me?”

How did I answer that? How did I say that Mike was the most beautiful human being I had ever encountered and probably ever would?

“No,” I lied. “He’s ordinary. But we just clicked. I’m sorry.”

“I should have known dating someone like you, you wouldn’t be able to resist fucking someone else.”

“What do you mean?”

“Dixie, you’ve had more cock than the average hooker. I was never going to be enough for you. This poor fucker won’t be either. Don’t contact me again, I’ll send a courier over with your things.”

He hung up and I sat staring at my phone, feeling terrible. I’d hurt him and I hated myself for it. And was he right? Was I incapable of having a relationship because I was Dixie Prowse? Who had Mike been making love to? Me or the person who wrote those books? Did he think I was some sort of slag, too?”

I went into the bedroom. He was out of the shower and sitting up in bed, his hair all wet and floppy, his lovely chest on show. All I wanted was to climb in beside him and make love again. But I was scared.

“How did he take it?” he asked.

“Not good.”

I sat on the edge of the bed and lifted his hand. His fingers were long and the skin was rough from the job he did. They were the same hands that carried Timmy to bed and tucked him in. The same hands that had stroked me so tenderly….

“I have a confession to make,” I said. “What I said, about my books being rubbish, well they are rubbish, but people like them. But what they’re based on…..eighty percent of it is fact. I have done those things.”

“Well I figured that out.”

I looked at him.

“Does it sicken you?”

“Sicken me?” he laughed. “What century do you think we’re living in? You’re a beautiful, clever, charming woman. It would be weird if men hadn’t wanted you. Would my ego have liked to have been your first, so you’d think I was the greatest lover, yes of course…but I’m a realist.”

“You are the greatest. It’s never been like that with anyone. I’m not going to pretend that I don’t enjoy sex because I do. It’s natural and healthy and I’m a normal red-bloodied woman. But I can honestly say that earlier on, it truly felt like the first time I’d ever made love with someone. I don’t want you to think you’re having sex with Dixie Prowse, the writer. You’re making love to Dixie Prowse, the normal girl with insecurities and cellulite on her backside, and a wobbly belly at certain times of the month….”

“I know,” he smiled. “And that’s who I met that day on set. I could tell, and that’s who I fell in love with, instantly. That’s never happened to me, either.”

I was so relieved, I leaned forward and kissed him, softly on the lips. As I pulled away, he stroked my hair and smiled.

“And don’t put your writing down,” he said softly. “You might write for women, but I’ve got to say, when I was reading Bad Girl…..”

“Yes?” I smiled.

“Bella’s number one skill…..” He licked his lips, his eyes going to my mouth. “Did you write that from experience or imagination?”

I chuckled and pulled the sheet back. He was already semi-erect. I took him in my mouth, savouring the feel of him as he grew quickly. I climbed onto the bed and positioned myself between his legs. I leaned forward, doing my best to avoid touching his cock. Instead I kissed his long, slim neck., flickering my tongue over his prominent Adam’s apple. Down to his collarbone

His chest started rising and falling more rapidly as he became more aroused. His small, pink nipples were hard, and I took one in my mouth, running my tongue over it, making him groan and squirm. I moved downwards, kissing his belly button, running my tongue down the line of dark hair that ran down to his groin. He moaned and his cock got even harder. Clearly this was a very erogenous zone for him.

I took his cock in my hand, grasping it firmly at the top and running my tongue along the shaft. He moaned and grasped the sheet. For a moment I hesitated. I was showing off. He was being blown by ‘Dixie Prowse’, but then again, he didn’t seem to mind her being in the bedroom with us.

I lightly stroked his balls, testing to see if he was the sort of man who blew his load the moment they were touched. He gasped and I saw him raise his head to see what I was doing. I gently sucked one of his balls into my mouth, rolling my tongue over it. He groaned loudly and began to pant, his hips starting to move. I knew if I concentrated on his balls for much longer he’d come, and I wanted him to do that in my mouth.

I took him between my lips again, sliding the length of him into my mouth. Running my tongue across his glans, making him reach out and grip my hair to keep me where I was. I sucked him vigorously, keeping my eyes on him, wanting to see his face as he came. He head was thrown back into the pillow, open in a silent scream of delight. I was so turned on, I couldn’t believe what was happening. I couldn’t breathe. I was coming without even being touched. I’d never orgasmed just by giving a man a blow job before, but looking at Mike, his beautiful body writhing in pleasure, his usual composure gone with his head thrown back as he moaned in ecstasy. His hips thrusting. I couldn’t take it any longer. Waves of pleasure rushed through my own body, causing me to take my mouth off his cock so I could cry out. I was just about able to pump him with my hand, so he could come. His spunk shot into my face, just missing my eyes. I wiped my face with the sheet, and flopped my head down on his hip, listening him struggling to regain his normal breathing and watching his dick go back to its normal size.

“Did you just come?” he mumbled.

“Yes. I’ve never come sucking a dick before.”

He smiled sleepily and held out his arms. I crawled back up him and he pulled me to him, holding me closely against his wet, sweaty body. I had never felt so secure in my life.

“There you go,” he said. “Something for you to put in the next book.”

So there you have it folks, even bad girls fall in love eventually. I still love wild sex, but I only want it with Mike these days. Making love to the person you adore is the best feeling in the world and so is being in love. He’s tamed me to a degree. When we’re on our own, I find it hard to leave him alone, but I also like the weekends when he has Timmy to stay, and sex is off the agenda completely, and we dedicate our time to making sure Timmy has fun. Watching Mike being tender and kind and gentle with Timmy is always such a turn on, that once Timmy’s gone back to his gran’s house, I show Mike just how much of an effect it’s had on me.

But don’t despair, my readers. Dixie isn’t going anywhere. I still have a filthy imagination, lots of adventures I’ve not told you about, friends who love to tell me their secrets and inspire me, and most of all a wonderful man who is secure in himself not to be threatened by my past. So, I will be back before you know it. Bigger, bolder and ruder than ever.