svara_narasiah

Selangor, Malaysia

don't cry because it's over. smile because it happened :) -dr Seuss

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Well done!

This story was interesting right from the beginning and I loved reading it. The main character was likeable, the plot was great, and I loved the unique names/origins of the pack. Your writing style is well done and some of your descriptions were very well-written :)

The first chapter was more of an information chapter, so there was no dialogue. I did get a bit lost in the words because of this, so I’d suggest adding a couple lines of dialogue (something a random character said in the past, for example) just to mix it up a bit. I’d also suggest hearing more about the main character’s family members. Their personalities, what they look like. Did she have friends when she was younger, or was she more of a loner? In future chapters, maybe having a couple of flashbacks to her childhood (such as how she had trouble shifting) would be interesting to read :)

Overall a great start and I can’t wait to read more!

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Great Start

This was a wonderful start to a very promising novel :) the cover is cute, the dialogue is natural, and there are some lovely descriptions. The writing style flows easily and is very smoothly read. There were a couple of punctuation errors that can be fixed with a quick read-through. Overally well done and I can't wait to read more!

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Engaging, Quick Read

The shortness of the chapters combined with your skills in writing action scenes made this story engaging and easy to page through. Some descriptions blew me away and some parts had me on the edge of my seat, so well done on that :)

However, we don't really see the backstory or arc of the main character. I understand that this is based off of another story, but for readers who aren't familiar with the context, some background information would be lovely. Perhaps adding flashbacks in italics would add some depth to your story, as well as give a break from the duelling scenes that commence every chapter.

Overall, well done!

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A Lovely Read

First off, I'd like to say that this book was so, so fun to read! The beginning of the novel pulls you in immediately with the beautiful imagery and language used. The words truly touch your heart and the way that the author builds up the main character's (Linda's) personality and relationships is very realistic and relatable. I also loved how strong emotions were conveyed (such as when Linda was having a panic attack) in terms of using language and descriptive words, as it made reading it very believable! I also loved the way that the paragraphs flowed together effortlessly; overall, the entire vibe of the book was very poetic and whimsical.

For some feedback: there were a few punctuation/grammar errors, but those can be fixed with a quick editing. I also noticed that you use the word "I" a lot of times in one paragraph; it isn't a big deal, but it did throw me off a little as it made the sentences sound repetitive. Perhaps using more connectors/adverbs would make it flow better :)

I also noticed that there aren't as many descriptions for the characters' physical attributes (such as hair, eye color, etc). Having Linda describe the people she meets in her head/her opinions about them would give readers a better sense of how other characters look!

Overall, this was a beautiful read and I'm so glad I had the chance to read it :) I can't wait to see what happens next in Linda's life!

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Breathtaking

I love this so much. The way you write, everything just flows so beautifully. The plot is perfect, the characters perfect (I especially love the unique names.) This kept me on the edge of my seat. Really, really wonderful job. I have no critique except to say that there were just a few teeny tiny punctuation mistakes :) Don't ever stop writing!

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Surprisingly good

I honestly didn't think this story would be that intriguing, but it was. There are so many things I liked about it, the way you set it up, the plot, the characters--all that was amazing.

Just a few issues with punctuation and grammar. You need to separate your paragraphs so it doesn't feel as long and rushed; dialogue should also be separated with paragraphs so you can tell which person is speaking :)

Other than that it was enjoyable and well done!

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Wow

I rarely give all five-star reviews, but this one certainly deserved it--and it's only at two chapters!!!

Your writing style just blows my mind. The topics smoothly lead into one another, and your descriptions are so easy to follow and read. I love the use of candy in this story, it adds a fresh perspective to horror.

The only critique I can give is that this story needs a bit of dialogue; I know it's only two chapters in, but generally readers find stories with dialogue a bit more engaging. So maybe make the main character talk to herself for a bit :) just a suggestion!

Overall I loved this SO MUCH and I will definitely be looking out for updates.

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Well done!

I never thought I'd read this story in one sitting, but I couldn't tear myself away. I love sci-fi and this is a great story. Worldbuilding is a very hard thing to do and I think you executed it perfectly, so good job on that. A few conversations between the characters made me laugh out loud, and I rarely do that while reading. I love your style and characters, their lives, everything.

I found a few slight punctuation mistakes that can easily be fixed. One chapter you forgot to name (chapter 17) and there were a few instances where the chapter title was at the bottom of another, my guess is that you converted this from a document and it messed up the layout a little. Again, it can easily be fixed.

I did think the characters talked quite formally for their age sometimes, so try to make them sound more their age.

I also noticed some chapters are very short while others are quite long. This is just a preference, but I do suggest making them all roughly the same size. This is just an opinion, however.

Overall I loved your book and I think it has a good chance of being published. You are a wonderful author, keep going!

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Very good!

I love zombie stories, and this one was a great start. Your writing style is clear, your characters names beautifully unique, and I can't wait to read more!

In the first few bits you did put Nyx and Saffi's dialogue into the same paragraph, but that's probably just a little mistake. I also saw a few punctuation errors that can be easily fixed, best to edit over the chapter.

It's hard to write emotions, and you did very well on that :) I immediately fell in love with your characters and I cannot wait to see more updates!

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Humorous and Dark--Well Done!

First, what I loved :)

1) The dialogue in this story was very natural, especially between Addy and Lucien. I loved their relationship and they are both very easy to root for, which makes the story all the more engaging.
2) The twist in which Jared kidnaps Addy was suspenseful and unexpected. The story took a sudden turn that I didn't see coming, which was great and made me want to read more--so well done on that!
3) Addy's attitude is one of my favorite parts of this story. I absolutely love whenever she makes a little joke in her head :) helps lighten the mood.

Now, some constructive feedback. Just a little, since this story is already amazing, and don't be afraid to take this with a grain of salt

1) This may just be because I'm a sucker for flowery language, but I found the writing style sliiiightly flat. Don't get me wrong--it did help make the story quick and light, but I'd suggest just adding a little description. Maybe talk about Lucien's face a little, or have Addy describe the clothes she's wearing so we get a better sense of her style.
2) There were a few grammatical/punctuation errors, but those can be fixed with a quick edit :)
3) Maybe a couple flashbacks from Addy's family life/childhood could help us understand who she is and how she got there. It might or might not add to the plot of the story, but it definitely adds depth!

Overall, amazing job--keep writing!

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Wonderful start!

From what I've read so far, this book is outstanding for a first draft. The worldbuilding is rich and well-incorporated--there's more of "showing" instead of "telling," and the little notes at the beginning of each chapter are a nice way to explain a little about the world you've built without droning on about it in the actual story.

Kiya's character is very easy to root for as we see her throughout her adventures. I also ADORE the addition of Cub; little animal sidekicks are my favourites and I absolutely love when authors include them in stories. Your descriptions are vivid and clear--overall a very engaging story :)

One thing I'd like to suggest is perhaps splitting each chapter into two. The chapters were quite extensive (which isn't a bad thing!!), and the only reason I'm suggesting this is because of this being an online book. Readers feel more inclined to read shorter chapters since it adds tension, I suppose :) There were also a few grammar/spelling/punctuation errors, but I assume these are just because you haven't really edited through yet. No worries! They can be fixed quickly.

Looking forward to reading more :)) Well done!

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A Lovely Read

Hello :)

First off, I'd like to say that I love the plot of this book; it's wonderfully original and draws the reader in almost immediately. I also love the poetry/descriptive aspects of this book, and the love letters throughout are also well-written. Good job!

I did notice a lot of punctuation/grammar errors, but those can be fixed with a quick editing. Putting in more descriptions of people and places can also add to visualisation when reading, which is a pretty powerful tool!

Overall, this book was so fun to read. Well done :)

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Good Job!

First of all, I'd like to say that I especially loved the introduction to this book. It pulled you in by introducing the main character to the reader in a way that was realistic (showing her emotions, etc). I also liked the dynamics between characters, so what I've been seeing so far is pretty good!

For some feedback: there were a few punctuation/grammar mistakes, but a quick edit can fix that. I would also suggest adding in some descriptions of the scenery/the place that the characters are in, as this contributes to visualisation while reading and can make the story so much more impactful :) using new vocabulary words/synonyms are also very powerful!

Overall, a great start to the story. Well done!

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So good!

The story drew me in right from the beginning. The characters are lovable and unique, with amazing relationships. I love the action scenes, the worldbuilding, and the descriptions were detailed throughout. The plot really kept me hooked and I read most of it in one sitting! Only thing I would recommend is using more unique vocabulary; some descriptive word were repetitive and using other words might spice it up a bit :) overall a wonderful story, can’t wait to read more!

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Great Potential!

First off, I want to commend you for taking the initiative to actually write a story, especially when you have school and other things going on in your life. More and more young writers are starting to show their work, which is amazing :) I'm one of them!

Your book has great potential and the plot is interesting. The story starts straight off with action and an interesting character. I did wonder at first if this was a human version of a My Little Pony fanfiction, because there is an episode in the show about a crystal kingdom where a crystal heart ensures harmony, and a stallion called King Sombra has stolen it. If it's not your intention to write a fanfiction, I'd suggest changing King Sombra's name to avoid confusion.

In terms of grammar, there were a few times where you changed from past tense to present tense, and at times I wasn't sure which tense you were meant to be using. There was also some punctuation mistakes in the dialogue such as spacing, etc, but those issues can be easily fixed.

I found myself wondering about Annabelle's family. Why are they so poor? Where is her father? I was curious about her backstory but I do realize it's only three chapters in and that you might add that in later on, which is totally fine. I also wondered who Jakeem actually was--is he her friend, her crush, or her boyfriend? What does he look like, exactly? Adding character descriptions into your book really helps with imagery and getting a sense of the characters' personalities.

I also found myself wondering what time period the book is set in. It says that Annabelle puts on a T-shirt and shorts for bed, but before that I thought that it was set in medieval times considering they were living inside a kingdom and she worked at the palace. Depending on whether the setting is an alternate fantasy world or if it's set as a fantasy story in medieval times, perhaps you could add some distinguishing features so the reader can imagine it right. If it is in medieval times, Annabelle wouldn't be wearing a T shirt and shorts (a simple dress if she was a peasant, for example).

One other thing--this book is written in 3rd person, but that doesn't mean you can't show your character's emotions and feelings! Adding in little paragraphs of what is going on inside the main character's head can really help the reader engage with the characters and feel hooked to the story.

I know I wrote a lot, but I really think your story is so cool. Keep writing it!! You'll just keep getting better and better :) -from a fellow young writer

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I liked it!

The writing style was poetic in a way I haven't seen before, the plot was good, and I did enjoy reading it. There were a few grammar mistakes (for instance, separating a single word into two such as peo- ple.) Overall it was enjoyable :)

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I love it

Such beautiful poetry :) you are so talented!

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Very well done!

I didn't expect to finish your story so quickly, but it was a real page-turner. I love everything about it; the plot, the writing style, the little bits of humour.

Your character personalities were very well done and I just love how unique they are. The only constructive feedback I can add is that there were a few typos and grammar mistakes, but that's it. Besides that I can't find a single problem and you should be very proud :)

Good job!!

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Potential

Overall, I liked the concept; the way animals turn against humans and force them underground. The character names are good, as well as the idea. But you do need to work on a few things. Dialogue, for one. This is not a script, so I advise using speech marks instead of writing it like a script :)

There are some spelling mistakes which can be fixed easily. I do think you should work more on fixing the story so that it all fits within the realm of possibility. This will be a great story if you fix it up a little!

Well done for starting a story. Not many people can do that. Keep going!

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Potential!

Right, so, first off I'm going to say that I do enjoy a good pirate story, and I did like this one. Your descriptions are good and so is your writing style, and you have really good potential to improve and become an AMAZING author.

You do switch from present to past tense a lot (hence why I gave you 3 stars on grammar) there's more past tense, so I suggest to switch to that so it will be easier. All it needs is a little editing.

I would say add more emotion to your characters. Tell us how they feel and why they are feeling it.

The plot is good and I liked it! Spruce it up a little, maybe improve your cover, and you'll have a great story that everyone will want to read :)

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Very Interesting!

It was very intriguing! The story kept me wanting to read on and I was very curious at what would happen next. There are a few slight spelling mistakes that can easily be fixed (for example, saying "nth" instead of "ninth" or "9th.") And I did feel like it was being rushed a bit, especially when you were describing how the 2nd and 3rd years went by. Maybe add a few scenes of what the character was doing, or how she was feeling, to make it a bit more descriptive. However the plot was amazing and your writing style is great :) Keep going!

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Beautiful

For such a young writer as you, this is very impressive! The history, the story, everything. You're a very good writer now--keep going and you'll be an awesome one!

There were a lot of grammatical errors, however. For instance, not capitalizing "British" or "Jake" and there were some spelling and punctuation mistakes. These can be fixed very easily though!

I did wish there was a bit more dialogue--when characters speak, it makes the story come alive in some ways. Your descriptions of certain events are very well done. It would also be nice to give your characters a personality--tell us about their hobbies, their looks, their interests. That way the readers can imagine them more clearly.

Overall I loved reading it. It's so amazing to see so many young authors writing here. Take care and keep on writing!

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Gorgeous

It’s just simply beautiful. The way you write and the way you can structure descriptions makes the story flow in a way that makes the reader breathless. I love the characters and the story so much, it’s definitely a favorite on Inkitt. There are a few slight punctuation mistakes, but it doesn’t distract from the story and they can be fixed easily. You’re a truly amazing writer and I can’t wait to see how everything plays out!

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