thistle31

Unique and engaging!

This is an absolutely unique and engaging storyline. I think it wonderfully alludes to the ravages of colonialism while simultaneously breathing life into a beautiful and woefully underrepresented cultural history. That being said, the plot is current and relatable to all audiences, tying together the whimsical intrigue and excitement we all love about folk-lore and fantasy-based stories.

The author has a similarly unique writing style. I would have loved to see more variation in the tenses (changing it up from simply present tense) to add more depth to sentences. This may also help with transitions in the story itself, making it clearer as to what is happening and when. While I appreciate the terse and quick sentences, I find myself wishing I could hear more of the character's inner dialogue as well!

It's a wonderful storyline that needs just little bit of sprucing to reach perfection! Five stars!

What an end!

I did not expect that bittersweet ending! At first I thought this would be more of a Goosebumps/Hansel&Gretel kind of story. I was pleasantly surprised to find it was not! I really liked Oak Street, and found it very touching with a cute message.

My feedback to improve this already very good writing is to add more description. I love the simple sentences that reflect the main character's age. But there were many times where I wished there was more showing and less telling. For example, better descriptions of the house or maybe even using your intro paragraph to really highlight the differences between North and South street. I wanted very much to be able to picture the sharp contrast between the streets --more than just one had a dilapidated house and the other didn't. Or perhaps they are not that different at all, and the only reason there is such a distinction in the character's mind is because of how out of place the house looks --something that can definitely be described more! You also used the word 'stuff' a lot to describe the clutter in the home. I'm sure if you challenged yourself to think of different words, that alone would vastly improve the descriptions of the house.

I also felt like the theme of friendship/letting go/embracing change was a bit forced at the end. Perhaps setting up some sort of conflict earlier in the storyline that shows how the character either needed to learn this lesson or has always exemplified it. I would have also loved to see a bit more background (not much) into the family. Are they poor, or just adamant about hard work? More showing would have been great here.

Overall, really good!

Great first chapter!

I've only read the first chapter but I think the author here did a good job. I love the story idea and the dystopian setting. The characters have such a unique background and motivating take on the unfortunate situation they've been thrown into.

My feedback to the author is to pay closer attention to grammar and punctuation, and to vary the sentence structure. The way it is written now makes it hard to follow the story, and causes the reader lose a lot of the plot and characters. For example, you write "I remember it like it was yesterday, only I was a baby and all I could remember was yelling and a small impact and that's where it all started." A stronger way to write that sentence could be, "I remember it like it was yesterday. Even though I was only a baby, I can still remember the yelling and the small impact. That was when it all started." Obviously, there is more than one way to write that sentence, and a lot of it comes down to the writer's style choice! But make sure to avoid run-on sentences, and to use proper punctuation where it can't be avoided. I want to spend my time enjoying the story, rather than trying to figure out what the sentence is saying!

Overall though, a great start!