Timothy O. Davis

Sorry for the delay

So, there is a lot ot work with here. This novel (I am sad there are only two chapters, but look forward to you adding more) has loads of potential. You have some technical and grammatical errors that I am not sure if they are intentional or not but they give the novel a comedic aspect and I don't think that is your intention. For example, when Sergeant Clive turned into a surgeon, I laughed a bit because that is a huge character and career change, but in some stories and TV shows (especially comedies that are not concerned about continuity, e.g., the old Traumaville movies) those changes just happen with no rhyme or reason.

Again, this has potential, but needs to be cleaned up a bit. It has a very Dickensian flair to it, but there are some things that can be cut out. For example, all the adverbs.

There are also weird shifts where characters will be in one spot (e.g., in the back seat of a car) then they will not be and then they will be back in the car. Don't jerk the reader around like that, but focus on grounding the reader in both time and space. I get you are trying to create a mystique or mystery, but you can still do that when you are grounding the reader.

You've got to show, not tell. You should also omit things instead of just giving everything away. Let the reader solve the case with you and with the characters. A reader will be more invested if they have to do some of the "solving."

Overall, keep writing and working on it. Finish the work!