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Interesting story. Is this an allegory for death? In any case it was full of details that made the scene come alive. One issue I found to be a consistent misstep was in regard to the use of quotation marks. Dialogue should generally have these (") rather than these ('), unless it's a quote within another quote. Should be an easy fix. And there was at least one instance where doormen should have been doorman. Overall an intriguing premise.Read the story now
The premise of the story is interesting - a person with the uncanny ability to influence others (though this is never fully explained). The various accounts cited as to how this occurs were had entertainment value. The thing I noticed lacking more than anything else was - dialogue! None. Nada. Zip. If this were simply the prologue to the story (sans detailed accounts) then it might work as just first person narrative. A few minor grammar issues (your should be you're early in the story), but mostly on target. Overall a decent story that could be livened up with at least a few lines of snappy dialogue.Read the story now
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