Waqaas Akmal

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Overall Rating
Plot
Writing Style
Grammar Punctuation

Review

Since the story is a narration by an old man to a younger generation, the author's narrative voice has been predefined. Till the end, the story holds true to the theme, one of dissatisfaction with a bland scientific perspective. There were some inconsistencies with the voice used, however.

It is very imperious in describing the characters, and the essential aspects of the world they inhabit, but such a tone should only focus on the essentials and the moving aspects of the plot to feel consistent. The interludes where the world itself is being described greatly detracts from the impact. It feels like the old man is zoning out mid delivery.

As for the story itself, the divisive elements that form the antagonists are too vague and I felt like they were mostly interchangeable.

Your formatting and paragraph division need a little work.

Overall, I'd like to see another version of this story, one with the plot presented without extraneous details, but as an experiment I would say that you have more than succeeded.

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