Jackie

I enjoy writing as a hobby while I go to college! Writing is the greatest outlet to adventure!

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The Boxer

Hi, I really enjoyed your first couple chapters of your story! I just have a few critiques to make your book potentially better (but use them as you please).
- I feel like the introduction of your 'bad boy, love, interest' could be a bit less "I'm going to literally destroy you" if you know what I mean. Leaving out the bold letters and blending them in as the character thoughts might help it flow better with italicized print. Maybe something like:
"I licked my lips as I eyed the pair up and down, they looked so happy, so, so, happy. And I despised them for that, that they could walk about happily while my life was a disaster. The taller female caught my eye immediately. . . . (later in)* **** I felt the urge creep up and into my throat, the monster was speaking to me again- telling me things I knew I shouldn't do. , , to kill, to murder, to hurt these women just as my mom had hurt me all these years. . . "
Just as an example. Also, you noted that the character's eyes changed colors but I wasn't sure if this book was fiction or if it was rooted to normal day. Most people's eyes don't go terribly wacky that fast if they're off their meds.
Another thing to you might want to insert in the beginning might be a flashback scene before your love interest is introduced potentially in a psych ward so the readers can be introduced to him before the main character is.
Otherwise good read- I'm excited to see how this story progresses and I hope these comments find you well.
Let me know if you have any questions!
JC

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Falling Into the Mirror With You

This wonderful lady has written quite the adventure/horror book. While there were many interesting curvatures in the book I feel as though the author could certainly add a lot of details into helping understand the origin of the mirror. It is assumed that the younger sister called it into summoning. But how? Did it appear through the wall, the floor, or appear in the air slowly to suck the family members in in a horridly horrific way? I feel like getting the main character to see more of these scenes versus just skipping to them is a sure way to improve your reader's grasp.
A sure way to improve this book is to add some more descriptive scenes that really twist the readers hearts. I feel as though this book was well executed with good grammar and that was the only critique I had.
Feel free to ask questions and thanks for the great read!
Cheers,
JC

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Chaos: Book of Discovery

I went through your book and corrected some grammar errors in the comments. I think your book needs a fine tooth comb! A lot of sentences that are missing apostrophes and lots of errors.
The story itself I liked in the beginning. Somewhere between chapter three you started losing me and then four came and left me like “what the heck.”
You had a good book started with the detective mystery kind of feel. If you’re going to dip into science/fantasy- you might need some more explanation.
Make your scenes more detailed so it doesn’t feel like we’re being thrown around in the book.
I like the characters and the tempo of the first two chapters.
It needs some work though. Hope this helps.

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A High Level Reading Choice

Just by reading the descriptive summary when I first opened the book I felt like I was being thrown into an entirely different world. Obviously this writer has taken a large amount of time to fabricate a rich and descriptive world that has the ability to visually pull a reader into it. This plot is full of unexpected ideas and turns that are unlike the stereotypical fantasy/drama book. However, the level of reading can prove to be very challenging for a person who is unfamiliar with old terms and slang that was commonly used within the medieval/romantic times.
Even myself, who at one point in time was an extremely dedicated poet, had to reach for google for a couple words. That being said, there were only a few grammatical errors littered throughout the story. Unnoticeable for someone skimming the text. A few automatic spell changes perhaps? Or a mis-typed key here and there?
My criticism is I feel as though at some points this book is incredibly descriptive then it is engaging with dialog. Personally, I feel like sometimes letting the characters use their words versus describing what they are thinking is a good way to develop social communications within a book as well as maintain the interest of your readers; giving them a break in the text is always nice too. But that is just my opinion (and I'm sure it varies per person). I felt like at points I was struggling to read through the extremely long descriptive sentences, but the grammar was used appropriately which made it easier to read.
Overall, I really enjoyed the five chapters I read. I think this story has good potential to become something great and I look forwards to seeing how the new prince blossoms into a realm conquering, blood breathing, dragon lord that will take down the foes that are upon him! Happy writing!
Jackie Cole

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Review of the Princess Entourage

A love story tangled up within the themes of adventure and fantasy. The plot is very interesting- not something I was expecting. It steps out of the box of a classic adventure story too. It’s unpredictable and I’m enjoying the character buildup as the story progresses chapter by chapter. I wish there could be some relationship building between Beth and Daniel too (but maybe it's yet to come).
In terms of things I think could be improved. You could reread your story and perfect the grammar. There are more than 6-7 sentences or statements that are incoherent due to spell check changes.
I would absolutely love if you read back through and made some changes to the scenery and the background these characters are in. Is there a smell? A certain object that stands out to them in Phillips home? What color are the walls in Stella’s home?
You need to build the surroundings in order to pull the readers into the book.
That being said. I am not able to picture what the characters physical features are. Your readers should be able to draw a picture of them each time they're introduced.

Otherwise this book is definitely one I would finish reading once these changes are made! Keep up the good work and happy writing!

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What's Allegory All About?

Hello there,
My name is Jacklyn Cole and I was requested to give a good read through of your story and publish a truthful review! I have spent a decent amount of time re-reading through your story to make sure I could offer the best feedback to help your writing win a contest! Allegory is a fiction/fantasy novel that invites the reader into another world. The plot is very inviting and has the potential to become a tongue-tier if just the tweaks were edited. That being said, I am knowledgeable that the book is not yet complete- and that there is a lot more to add. Here are some things I've noticed:
1. I noticed that your book has a plethora of run on sentences. These could be corrected by simply reading your work out loud. Several sentences I noticed need semicolons and commas because they are statements that don't make sense without them. Ex: She turned to him in the dark holding her breath as to not smell him. There is a comma missing between dark and holding.
2. Most importantly, as an author you must describe or give meaning WITHIN the book text so that we know what is going on. Throughout the story I felt myself asking "What is a Triliane. . .. who is Zai?" Don't be afraid to explain things in the body of your writing, or through the memories of your characters to answer the readers questions.
3. I found myself wishing for a buildup. . .and a better explanation Roahan and Anadis. I feel like there should have been a bigger scene between the two of them meeting in the first/second chapter.
Overall, I think the book needs a good read through. I rated the book 3 stars because it was the average overall for my scores. This rating will improve to a definite 4 stars if that read through happens. The plot is fantastic. Spend a bit more time on your earlier chapters before the book progresses! You have the plot, just work on the guts. I'm really excited to see where this story goes and I hope that you have benefited from my detailed feedback.
Happy writing!
Jacklyn Cole

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