DracoMurdock

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Symvoulí

Okay, so the story is alright so far. I have a gripe regarding the length of the Sasha tangent, but that's more than covered by the fact that I'm not the writer.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What isn't covered is your use of commas or lack of -'s to show possession. You want some help writing? Here's a grammar lesson for you.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The doctor, who I had long since run out of patience for, continued to stutter and delay giving me an answer. This is an appositive- you use the space in the commas to describe a noun listed either before or after the phrase. You seem to try and use this a lot, but then put the action there. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For the sake of covering lists and run on sentences, I'll just correct one of them for you. I'm lazy, so give me a break.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I really hate it, when old people and so many others think that teenagers are all the same; with electronic devices which cost more than they probably need, when instead they could give it to somebody else, with designer clothes, and hair glossy and in style."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*turns into*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I really hate it when old people and so many others think that teenagers are all the same; with electronic devices which cost more than they probably need- when instead they could give it to somebody else- with designer clothes and stylish glossy hair."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You created a list, but used commas to create an appositive inside of that list, something that collapses the list entirely. I did a brief fix that removes the list element without changing the actual information, but- if you wanted to fix it without formatting- you could easily just make it into two sentences as well, but my point still stands. You're overusing commas along with the word 'and'.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As for the -'s thing, that's mostly a point I noticed once and it just really bugs me. That example is as follows. "You're Emma Cadberry['s] sister, aren't you?"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Besides grammar and punctuation, I do have one other point of contention, though. You started the story off in a depressing manner, and I'd assume you'd like that atmosphere to remain that way for a while, but I was actually forced to choke down an ironic laugh at the meta moments you put right smack in the middle of chapter one. Like... Was that intentional? I have no idea.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh, and consider me a praiser by exception in that everything I don't mention is perfectly fine.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And it's because I'm a praiser by exception that I'm forced to bring up your speaking verbs... You use 'ask' and 'say' far too often. Where is 'I demanded'? Where is 'I sighed'? Where is 'he choked out'? There are so many different ways to differentiate how people talk, but you seem to rely almost entirely on adverbs like angrily. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finally, and this may be a personal point, but your paragraphs are reliably gigantic. I realize some people will be cool with that *cough* Tolkien book fans *cough*, but it's going to be a huge turnoff and make it genuinely difficult to read for a large chunk of your potential audience. Because of the gigantic font on Inkitt's site, it's at least manageable, but your book probably isn't going to be like that. This would take almost no effort to fix, so I considered it worthwhile to mention.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And that about wraps things up. If you need further assistance, holler at your boy. I'd even be up for editing your book, assuming I was compensated for it, but otherwise I must bid you adieu.

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