Lyssa M. Spade

Very intriguing!!!

I'll be honest. Sometimes, the whole billionaire trope kinda bores me, but this one was really interesting due to your plot twists and stuff. I will say that as a character and as a person, I didn't like Will. He seems kinda dick-ish to me. Maybe that was entirely intentional to fit into the archetypal rich-dude facade. But yeah, I would've slapped Will and stomped his foot a lot more than Bianca did.

The plot was super cool. I felt like I was reading like a comic. Like a teen targeted web comic, and that's totally what I'm into.

I only did 4 stars on the punctuation and the formatting things just because (heres my critique and I'm no expert) when you're formatting your dialogue, I think it looks the neatest and most concise when it's either at the very end of a paragraph or at the very front. Not in the middle of said paragraph. Other than that, no notes. Very interesting story!

Solid plot ideas minus some formatting that needs some review

Okay so I think I agree with some of the other reviews in that I think it's a little dialogue heavy. However you have really well rounded characters and you obviously have thought out how they fit into your plot.

The idea/originality is really cool. I like the idea, it's not something I've read a thousand times which I feel like is really important.

When you describe actions, maybe go a little more in depth. I remember a part reading "walked in like she owned the place" (paraphrasing) maybe unpack that a little bit and do a little more digging for a broader description.

Also, character thoughts, motives and backstories are a great way to avoid the dialogue heaviness. (I'm guilty for too much dialogue, you're not alone here) but the way over found to avoid it is through the above tricks.

Great writing! 👍

Very soft and enjoyable Fantasy

I really enjoyed the direction in which this is going. I feel that our main character is super rounded and overall grounded in her place/role in the story. I love that she has a support system that's introduced early on in the story. Your descriptions are beautiful. They are so carefully written and it's so vivid to me which I love. I love that I can see what you're seeing in your mind instead of letting the imagery fall flat by not taking the time to dig deep.

It felt like I was enjoying a nice "Harry Potter-esque" story. And there's nothing wrong with that! Loved it!

Super intriguing and very well written.

Your descriptions are so vivid and I love it. It's a little dialogue heavy towards the end of chapter but I feel like it doesn't really take away from the action in the story. There's a lot of characters introduced in this first chapter and I'd love to read some more! 👍 Awesome job!