Katelyn15

Hi, I'm Katelyn and I just graduated with Bachelor's degrees in English and music. Now I am working with marching bands and towards being a published novelist.

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So I know not everyone wants to write novels, but even as a short story, I think this could use some expanding. I liked the world that was shown in the story and the plot was even compelling, so I think that it could be expanded into a children's or middle grade fantasy novel with some more thought put into the world building, character motivations, and explanations of what characters look like, etc. This is definitely one of the more enjoyable stories I have read on this website for a little bit, so thanks!

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Trapped in a Online Game

The idea of the story is great. The author clearly put a lot of time into it and into creating the world. The characters are likable and relatable and the plot is interesting.

However, I had a hard time reading it because there are no periods and a lot of run-on sentences. The dialogue is not separated from the narration so, if I'm reading at my normal pace, it is difficult to discern who is speaking, or even sometimes when someone is speaking. If the grammar and punctuation and spacing were fixed, it would be an easier read and it would be easier to enjoy the other good things going on!

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So at first I thought that the story was going to be a fantasy that went from the character’s normal life to fantastical in an obvious, more immediate way. Instead, this book just seems confused. It is not realistic in many, many ways and it is confusing because the characters are flat, there is barely any dialogue, and the story really doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. I used to meander like this in my stories and I found that plot mapping really helps me get to the point of the story. All of this being said, something about the narrator’s voice was likeable and definitely different than what I’ve read before, so I think that it is the biggest strength of the story.

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Review swap

Let me just start by saying that I was never bored by the plot and I think it's a really good rough draft. However, since it is a first draft, there are a lot of grammar/punctuation errors that I think could be avoided with just a quick proofread before posting, but I don't think the author actually has real issues with grammar/punc. otherwise.
Second, I found some of the characters a little flat. Actually most of them were decently flat and many scenes that could have stole the show for their drama and pacing seemed rushed, mostly because of the way that the dialogue was written out with few periods and fewer pauses. I think that the dialogue in general in the story could be unconvincing, though there were some really good moments as well.
All in all, the biggest thing that bothered me while reading was that many of the dialogue tags that contained information that would have been good to know at the beginning of a paragraph were pasted onto the end of the dialogue and I found it to be something that pulled me out of the story every time. Sometimes the dialogue tags were also kind of extra, such as using too many adverbs. In the last couple chapters, there were also a few sentences in there that kind of took the story into another character's POV because it said things that I didn't think Rose would be able to know just by watching the other character.
Congrats on a good start, and I look forward to seeing how it plays out!

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Late Review Swap

This book was good! I liked the way the characters interacted and how they all had such different relationships.

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King of the Ruby Crown

The story itself is good and kept me reading. I think there was some good description in there, even if some of the more physical/fighting scenes were a little fuzzy as to what was actually happening. One thing I do think could improve story-wise is that it could be clarified that it takes place in present day earlier on. I spent a few chapters thinking it was kind of old-timey and the shock that it wasn't was kind of a lot.

My biggest problem was that, though I know it was specified that the story was unedited, it was very difficult to read. There were a couple typos and some tense confusion (between past and present). But the biggest thing was the lack of punctuation. Sometimes I had to read things two or three times to understand what was actually happening. I know it will be edited at some point, but this version was the only thing I had to judge by.

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I Hear You

To start off, I love the idea of the story and the main characters are good ones. I like their personalities and their relationships and all that stuff.
As far as writing goes, there are some issues. One is tense confusion. I think that it is primarily in present tense, but sometimes some past tense slips in there and it gets a little confusing for the reader. Second, there are some words that are switched around. Many times when it says "out," as in people being out or being outed, it says "oust." Sometimes, instead of saying "while" it says "well." There are other words confusions similar to that because the words are homophones and the writer just has the wrong spelling. There are also some awkward paragraph breaks that kind of ruin the flow of the story.
The plot is a little basic and predictable at some points, like every time the mean guy shows up, it gets a little worse and more information about Porter and Ryker has been discovered. Sometimes the dialogue and the characters' narration is a little too tell-y (as in more telling than showing) and I would like it if some of Ryker's past came up more organically instead of being shoved out into the open. Along the lines of dialogue, the dialogue tags are varied, but the variation is actually distracting at some points. As a reader, I would rather see something like. "'Why didn't you tell me that before?" he asked, his eyes searching mine." than something like "Why didn't you tell me that before? he demanded to know." It's nicer to be able to visualize what the character is doing rather than telling their verbal inflections with dialogue tag words like "state" and "demand" and "comment."
All of that being said, I did enjoy the book, and I'm glad it's not over yet!

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