S1E1: Welcome to Camp
This episode on YouTube: https://youtu.be/o-rsgXkWW_I?si=8wl_76rNAUcjkqik
INT. The Big House. PERCY walks in the front door.
PERCY
Why’d you call me here?
The camera angle changes to show MR. D sitting at a table.
MR. D
Sit down, Perry.
PERCY walks over reluctantly, sighing, and sits down.
MR. D
So. It has become time for me to evaluate you as head counselor of the Poseidon cabin.
PERCY
There’s no one else in my cabin.
MR. D holds up a hand and shakes his head.
MR. D
I’ve heard complaints that you spend too much time with your girlfriend, and not enough time being a leader.
PERCY
…. Ooookay.
MR. D
But, because people still seem to like you…
MR. D looks to camera.
MR. D cntd.
Somehow… We’re going to let you keep your position as head counselor of the Poseidon cabin.
PERCY
…. Again, I am the only one in my cabin.
MR. D
Now get out! I don’t even know why you’re here.
PERCY
You called me here!
MR. D
Scram!
PERCY angrily gets up and stomps out of the Big House. CUT to MR. D looking out a window and drinking from a beer bottle.
MR. D
Yup, I’ve been here for a couple hundred years now, I have a few thousand to go, and the only thing that even makes it close to tolerable is messing with the little munchkins. It was actually advice from my brother Hermes. Now, he’s not good for much, but when it comes to how to make boring things interesting for yourself, he’s the guy you want to talk to.
CUT to shot of the living room of the Big House. MR. D walks into frame.
MR. D
Yeah, so this is the Big House. Dumb name, I know, but you can’t expect mortals to be clever.
MR. D walks away. CUT to EXT. Big House, where MR. D walks out onto the porch and CHIRON looks up from his game of solitaire.
MR. D
This here is my co-dictator, Chiron.
CHIRON
He uses the word ‘dictator’ as a joke.
MR. D
No. I don’t.
CUT to a surprised CHIRON putting down a card.
MR. D
Would you believe that this guy actually wants to be here? He literally became immortal just so he could spend more time with these little brats.
CHIRON sits back, offended.
CHIRON
Teaching is a joy.
CUT to MR. D talking head.
MR. D
Just ask any of the brats. I’m the favorite here, not the horse. It’s a blessing and a curse. They shut up when I tell ’em to, but they’re always coming up to me and wanting to tell me about their problems. (Pauses.) But they do get that look of awe when I make things —
MR. D conjures a beer bottle.
MR. D cntd.
— appear out of thin air. I’d like to see Chiron do any of that.
CUT to Hermes cabin. Montage of TRAVIS (sunglasses on head) tidying the very messy cabin and CONNOR coming in to take a nap.
CUT to CONNOR and TRAVIS talking head.
CONNOR
Yeah, you’d think we’d have enough beds in our cabin now that all the children of the minor gods got claimed, —
TRAVIS
— but we don’t. Apparently Dad isn’t very picky when it comes to procreating with mortals.
CONNOR
Yeah, we asked Annabeth to design us a bigger, better cabin, and you know what she said? She said, ‘You guys are low priority. And you know why? Because some people literally don’t have anywhere to sleep at all.’ Yeah, how would she feel if she had to sleep on the floor every night?
TRAVIS
Still, I swear she finished all the other cabins already.
CONNOR
You know what!? I think you’re right!
TRAVIS
Yeah! Let’s let her know that the Hermes cabin does not tolerate being treated like this.
CUT to EXT. Big House. CHIRON is holding his fists in front of his mouth and looking nervous.Then he smiles at the camera around his hands.
CUT to PERCY, who is inspecting his hand of UNO cards. He smiles and plays a blue five. CHIRON grins and slaps down his final card, throwing his arms up in victory. PERCY can’t believe his eyes and tosses his remaining cards in the air.
CUT to INT. Big House, the kitchen. MR. D holds a beer bottle and looks to camera.
MR. D
Yeah, Chiron doesn’t really interfere with me at all. I like to call him the mascot of the Camp. But not to his face… Not because I’m scared of him. Because I’m not.
MR. D hears CHIRON’s wheelchair rolling across the floor and jumps. CHIRON appears in the doorway to the dining room.
CHIRON
You know you’re not supposed to be drinking that.
MR. D slowly looks down at his beer bottle.
MR. D
It’s water.
MR. D dumps the contents of the bottle into the sink.
CHIRON
…. In a beer bottle.
CHIRON looks to camera, like “How dumb does he think I am?” MR. D looks down at the bottle.
MR. D
… Yup.
CHIRON
The bottle sends a bad message to the campers.
MR. D
It was a joke. Actually, my brother Hermes put me up to it. You — You know Hermes.
CHIRON, unamused, reaches into a drawer.
CHIRON
Would you like to use my mug?
CHIRON pulls out an orange cat mug and smiles.
MR. D
… Yep.
MR. D takes the mug and looks at the camera awkwardly.
CUT to EXT. Big House where Percy is now playing CONNOR and TRAVIS at UNO. There is a red four on top, and PERCY reveals to the camera that his last card in a red six. CONNOR and TRAVIS share a look, and then TRAVIS plays a green four.
PERCY
Oh, come on!
CUT to INT. Athena cabin. ANNABETH is working on her laptop at her desk while MALCOLM sits at his desk, putting on a VR headset. Once it is on his head and he can’t see anything, the reaches for his controllers. In doing so, he accidentally knocks some papers off ANNABETH’S desk.
ANNABETH
Malcolm, really!?
MALCOLM quickly pulls the headset off.
MALCOLM
I’m sorry!
ANNABETH
Just keep your stuff on your own side! It is not that hard.
MALCOLM
I — I’m really sorry.
CUT to MALCOLM talking head.
MALCOLM
Does it bother me that I have to take orders from my younger sister? No, haha. But… when she’s really deep into a project, like today, she becomes a little… intolerable.
CUT to EXT. Big House. MR. D sits on the porch, drinking from the orange cat mug.
MR. D
Yeah, the kids really respect me around here. It’s like this: Chiron tries to be their friend and everything, but that doesn’t work. Kids respond the best to a true authority figure.
MR. D gets up and opens the door leading from the porch to the yard of the Big House.
MR. D
Head counselors’ meeting, pronto!
CLARISSE, who is walking by, stops and looks at him, then keeps walking. MR. D watches her go.
CUT to CHIRON, who is sitting on the porch. He clears his throat.
CHIRON
Head counselors’ meeting in two minutes!
CLARISSE nods and walks up to the Big House. CHIRON nods to himself, content. MR. D sighs and lets the door to the porch slam shut.
CUT to PERCY talking head.
PERCY
Is Mr. D respected? Lemme put it this way. He could turn us all into dolphins, or make us all go insane or something, just for not listening to him, but he’s been here for, like, a hundred years and none of that has happened. He’s all talk.
CUT to INT. Big House, where CHIRON sits in his wheelchair in front of the head counselors.
CHIRON
Well, it’s that time of the summer. You all have been living together long enough that some of you are maybe, kind of starting to want to kill each other? Are there any rivalries we should be especially aware of as we go into this week’s game of capture the flag?
CUT to PERCY glaring at CONNOR, still mad about the UNO game. CONNOR clocks this and raises his hand slowly.
CONNOR
Does it count if it’s someone on your own team?
CHIRON
… No?
MR. D
Well, I say if you’re having trouble with anyone, you should just redo alliances today.
CONNOR
What!?
ANNABETH
No!
PERCY
I already traded away my shower spot just to be on the Athena team!
CLARISSE
Are you telling me that your own girlfriend didn’t want you on her team?
PERCY
Actually, she was the only one who wanted me on her team. So.
PERCY looks to camera smugly.
TRAVIS
I thought I was told that they all tried to trade you away.
PERCY
No, just a few —
CUT to ANNABETH looking nervous, then CUT to ANNABETH talking head.
ANNABETH
Yeah, so… I may have tried to convince my siblings not to let Percy on our team. It’s nothing against him, seriously. It’s just that, when we’re working together, it’s not exactly hard to beat the Ares team, you know?
CUT to INT. Big House dining room.
CHIRON
So, there’s nothing serious that I should actually be worried about?
ANNABETH
… Nope.
CHIRON
Okay! Then meeting adjourned.
ANNABETH leaves the table quickly.
CUT to INT. Big House living room.
PERCY
You promise that you actually want me on your team for capture the flag?
ANNABETH
Of course I do.
ANNABETH looks guiltily to camera.
PERCY
Good! ’Cause it’s no fun without you, you know? Do you wanna go canoeing or something?
ANNABETH
Yeah, I’m sorry, but I really have to get back to my project, so I just —
PERCY
Oh. Right. I guess I’ll see you later?
ANNABETH gets up from the couch.
ANNABETH
Yeah, love you.
PERCY
Bye…
CUT to INT. Athena cabin where TRAVIS, CONNOR, and MALCOLM are building a wall of books, balling up papers from ANNABETH’S desk, and making paper airplanes. ANNABETH walks into the cabin and they ambush her with their paper weapons. ANNABETH can’t hide her shock or anger.
ANNABETH
You guys are gonna regret this for the rest of your lives. The rest. Of. Your. Lives.
MALCOLM gulps.
ANNABETH
Guess who’s sleeping outside tonight?
CONNOR
You’re not our head counselor.
ANNABETH
And guess who’s never getting a new cabin.
TRAVIS looks out from where he’s hiding behind the wall of books.
TRAVIS
You don’t mean that!
ANNABETH
Oh yes, I do. You know I do.
CUT to PERCY talking head, where he is already laughing.
PERCY
Yeah, the Stoll brothers prank everyone at some point. Except me. Partially because I help them pull of their pranks from time to time, but mostly because every time they start acting a little bit funny around me, I just remind them who controls the toilets.
CUT to INT. Big House dining room. ANNABETH knocks on the front door and then enters, not happy to be there.
ANNABETH
You wanted to see me?
MR. D
Yes. Sit down, Annie-Bell.
ANNABETH sits down and crosses her arms.
ANNABETH
Is this important? Because I really need to get back to —
MR. D
Now I wouldn’t take that tone with me, young lady. I’ve heard all about what you’ve done today.
ANNABETH suddenly looks nervous.
MR. D cntd.
Yes. Yes.
MR. D looks at the camera with a sly grin. This is going better than he expected.
MR. D cntd.
Many, many incidents. And frankly, I’ve heard one too many complaints, especially from your siblings, to allow you to continue to be the head counselor of the Athena cabin.
ANNABETH sits up straight as if she’s been electrocuted.
ANNABETH
Are you serious?
MR. D
Of course I’m serious! Malcolm will be taking over, effective today after dinner.
ANNABETH
Mr. D, I’m really sorry. Like, really, really sorry. It’s just been a rough week. And I know if you told me what I was doing wrong, I could work towards fixing it, and I could do better. It’s just that, like… I know I should’t —
MR. D
Unfortunately, it hasn’t been just this week. I’ve been hearing complaints about your leadership abilities for a long time now, and I’m afraid that we just can’t let it slide any longer.
ANNABETH tears up and brings a hand up to her face. MR. D looks to the camera for help as ANNABETH breaks down.
MR. D
…. It was a joke. It— it was all a joke.
ANNABETH looks up from behind her hand, going from crying to angry in a matter of seconds.
ANNABETH
What?
MR. D
I’m joking! Heh. Isn’t that a thing you mortals do? You’re doing a fine job as head counselor. No complaints!
ANNABETH lets her hand fall to the table in disbelief. She gets up and storms out of the Big House, stopping at the front door to give MR. D one last dirty look.
CUT to MR. D talking head, where he has a hand over his mouth and his eyes wide open.
MR. D
Yep. I’ve gotta stop taking advice from Hermes.
