I usually don't read young adult books or fantasy, but I read and enjoyed yours. Yes, the plot is somewhat trite. The girl finds she is special. Usually she is a princess, not a fae, but the plot line is the same. She as a failed romance, goes to a special school, has wonderful friends and finally fulfills her promise. All well and good, and hard to make a fresh story. However, the variety of the far characters were charming, the cockney and London dialogue were interesting to this American, and the protagonist had a great character arc.
I thought the gargoyle having a valley girl speech pattern was, like, out of character for a gargoyle. But then, I have never talked to a gargoyle. Maybe they do talk, like, girls from northern Los Angeles.
There is some editing of misplaced sentence to be done, but nothing that bothered my read.
Your story flows and has many great elements. Perhaps you could finish it and provide a worthy challenge for your female version of Harry Potter. It will be quite engaging.
Pa'an (revised version)
Stories with AI's (Autonomous Intellects, registered sentient) usually have dull, dry characters. Not this one!
Aura is very definitely a Mata Hari. She is in intimate communication with Zovarcnor, an AI of the Pa'an who was sent out to monitor human development on Earth. That thread of the story brings us to scenes with the actual alien Pa'an, who, limited by the speed of light, are still 20 light years away but they communicate by advanced technology.. Zovo reveals that human civilization is headed for a catastrophe. He describes the immense cosmic project that the Pa'an, the galaxy's premiere advanced sentients, have prepared. That project caused gravity waves that are just now reaching Earth.
Jaeger Kunstler is a high-level agent of the Order, a mysterious group that has existed for many centuries. The Order plans a culling of humans. Two factions disagree over the method of this culling, but either way billions will die.
Jaeger revolts when he finds out what the Order has done to his parents. He forms a team with Aura, a contingent of colorful mercenaries, and representatives of the US and UK governments to thwart the the Order.
At that point the Pa'an offer all humans the use of their cosmic construction project.
All hell lets loose.
The characters are multinational, well-drawn and engaging. The plot winds and twists in unexpected fashion and resolves with a surprise.
Oh yes, this is a complete story. There are no follow-on books for you to get.
It isn't easy to write a very short story with a real punch. O'Henry was the writer I studied, and you can find two of my attempts here. Glad to see another author do this well, Kate.
The only objection I have is the Jinn reclining with a remote (why does a Jinn need a remote?) and watching NCIS reruns (why not "I Dream of Jeanie?)."
Even fantasies need research. A planet in orbit around the back of the Sun? Impossible. Cometary gasses that eat metal? We know better. Earth's magnetic field preventing magic? Barely plausible, but acceptable in a pure fantasy.
Of course, alien characters are harder to describe. The author has to work to make them anything but cardboard cutouts. Unfortunately, these characters are not yet three dimensional.
You have the confusion and urgency of the scene of the escape from Escellion, but it needs as sense of immediacy that is lacking. Apart from the deteriorating situation, there is nothing chasing the characters, no tangible antagonist. It feels like watching a movie about ancient history, not actually being there.
The time travel smacks of Deus ex Machina, but this is a fantasy, so it is forgiveable.. However, instead of the inexorable flow of events, the plot appears to be a set of unlikely constructs. This needs some more work.
I apologize for a tough review. I hope some of these comments will help to improve the story. You are welcome to get even, if you are inclined.
Suoermassive planetary ecosystem
I loved it? Good description of a Jupiter supermassive planet with life., Ymir? Absolutely. So, how does a million year old crittur the size of a country handle itself when confronted by high-tech aliens? Is it native? Is it even a single creature, or really a clade?
Frasier, the banker, is kind of a flat character. Give him some dimension other than a Zurich gnome. Give him a lech for the good Dr., A series of twitches. Hypochondria seems about right.
Obviously, you have quite a biology problem. A single nervous system will not do. Distributed nervous system like an octopus? Diffusion and osmotic pressure are not going to be enough for that much tissue. Nutrition gets distributed by parasitic worms?
When two parts decide to go in different directions, does it split?
Can it encyst and do space travel?
Will it eventually eat Frasier, get indigestion and sue the bank?
Very cute and original. A simple tale of vegetable advice and the unforeseen consequences thereof. Not exactly a thriller, but an damn nice little story. Based on the table conversation I would guess the author is English, but I did not look that up.Read the story now
It can be rather too easy to write a story about a fantasy place you never visited. However, you did a good job with Lagos, a real place hardly anyone visits as a travel destination, and a very good job on the character of your scryer mage, Jezebel. Even the ritual magic was well done. It takes more than Google research to do that.
The plot had just the right twist. It was great. Evading the trap of the Underworld and returning, the quintessential wizard's journey, was perfect.
The text needs a bit of de-linting. You changed tenses at least once and had a few misspellings. When you are working spells, misspellings can be a bitch.
You left yourself an opening for the follow-on story. I'll read it!
Innocence and dark destiny colliding in the hereafter. Well done!
I have no more to say and 200 more characters to say it.
Fragment or a story?
I think this is a complete story. I suggest you work a bit on the ending. I got it, but I think it deserves more emphasis.
I got that your character is a burned out old boxer. This theme is, unfortunately, now a cliche. To rescue it from this trap you are going to have to do something much more unique than simply come up with a strange way to commit suicide.
I don't write love stories (well, I did write one) so please take this as a personal opinion: it is hard to really show the depth of attachment between people. You can't just say it. You have to go through the years, the things they did together, the hardships, the commitments, the sacrifices. I did not get anything like that out of the fragment I read.
You can write. You have that talent. You need a fresh theme and a unique point of view.
Hints of a great story line
Castiel's black wings and the foreshadowing of a matter of great concern, the "fallen angel" time,, these are good touches. Now they need to be woven into the fabric of a larger story. I assume you re actually writing a story, not a poem?Read the story now
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