A Diamond in the Rough
Just like I did for "Ultimatum", I'll offer my opinion on the chapters.
Read the story now
-You need to stay consistent with the tense you want to use. It’s either past or present: it can’t be both.
-As I’ve mentioned in your other story, do take note to break the paragraphs according to their ideas so that it’s an easier read.
-I don’t understand how Brandon, being held in a police cell, was allowed to go back home.
-I assume that Chapter 1 was a dream?
-Remember to pick a specific tense you want to write it.
-What a strange interaction between those two. Brandon is rather dramatic, and it seems like the girl can read minds.
-I’m going to tell you what several people have told me in the past regarding my own work. Unless Brandon is writing in a journal, you shouldn’t have him addressing the readers at all, using “I bet you are wanting me to give you all the gushy details…”, etc… It’s rather bizarre.
-It’s rather confusing how their minds are connected. To be honest, I’m at bit confused at the time frame. One moment Addison is giving Brandon a ride one, the next they’re at a wedding that apparently Brandon doesn’t remember meeting her at. Not to mention they’re acting rather calm about their connection.
-…well, that escalated quickly. It’s confusing how and why Addison likes Brandon considering they barely know each other. It’d be great if you would develop that more.
-You gave Addison a different last name than when the councilor first called her in. On that, interesting turn of events that offer some sort of explanation. Twins have remarked that they felt a deeper connection than with regular siblings. This is a good plot twist that if developed further would really grab the interest of more readers.
-That’s quite a cliffhanger you’ve left the story with. It’d have been interesting to see the interaction between the twins and their mother.
All in all, this story has potential. What it needs is a good polish. Develop better the plot, the character interactions and their growth, and make the environment and timeline clear.