This is a great story! I love how well you go into detail and emotions of Capri, and Mel. You have amazing dialogue and overall it's just a thrill to read!
The only critique I could find is that some of the paragraphs should be separated. For example:
-"If Nia would have just let me take the car and drop her off early at work, I wouldn't be stuck with this idiot, she thought reluctantly sitting int he car to shut him up" (Chapter 1).
- It would flow better if that was separated from the rest of the paragraph, considering it changed view points, and that could quickly confuse some people.
Also, some of the paragraphs break spontaneously. For example:
-"He had to admit he was impressed by how
forthcoming she was" (Chapter 2).
-It's and odd gap and it throws off the flow of the reading.
Other than those, this story is fantastic!
I like story a lot. The way it's told makes me feel like someone is sitting me down and telling it to me like they would a fairy tale. The plot is also very interesting and well written. Only a couple things I will critique. One of them being that the paragraphs seem very lengthy. Breaking them up would be a good idea, as long paragraphs sometimes seem intimidating to readers. Another thing I noticed is that you had some opportunities to place commas in sentences to break them up, and not make it seem like one long run on sentence, but never placed one throughout your story.
I hope this helps you :) The story was really good overall!
Great so far!
This story is great so far! The title intrigued me enough to click the link, but your exceptional descriptions of the scenes and the interactions between the grandmother and granddaughter are kept me reading! Your use of cliffhangers are also really good! I can't wait for the rest!Read the story now
I've only read the first three chapters, but what I have read has me hooked! What I like the most about it how the boys all come from completely different places, but still manage to come together. I also really like the symbolic-ness put behind the animals in the story. This plot reminds me of a video game RPG where you always want to know what's going to happen next. Aside from very few grammatical errors this is an amazing story and I think it can go really far!Read the story now
At first, I thought this was going to be a weird vampire and alien story and it wouldn't make any sense. But, reading it I found out that it is actually very good. The characters are well developed and their dialogue was really good. The plot is also well made. Besides a few grammatical mistakes here and there the story is very well written. Hats off to you! Great job!Read the story now
It's a great story and a good concept. I haven't seen much Hetalia fanfiction so I was immediately delighted with that Also, I like the idea you're going with the crossover. I also love the way you use those cliffhangers :P Keep up the good work!Read the story now
Pretty good, so far!
The idea sounds really interesting, The first chapter is short, but it grabs your attention long enough to wonder what's going to happen in the next chapter. A couple slight grammatical errors, but overall It's great so far. Keep up the good work!Read the story now
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