Benjamin Rosen

Captivating

To start I would like to congratulate you on making such a riveting tale. The premise of the story held grounds for a typical kidnapping niche story, but you turned it into something spectacular. Truly! From the moment we meet our protagonist and understanding (i don't recall you ever giving a name or gender) their issues, depressions insomnia and perhaps a little wanderlust. I did not recall seeing a description of the protagonist but as a reader I appreciated it. Very rarely on this sight do you find as much detail in the for and background in this perspective. You set the scene that assisted the reader to not essentially sympathize with the protagonist. Instead created a foot place for the reader to feel as though they were in the story themselves. And as a author that is the ultimate goal, so congratulations. I was mildly confused on the ending however . Was the letter written by the protagonist? Or perhaps the uncanny smiling girl at the end of the tunnel? There were a few minor grammar errors such as an incorrect spelled word or a repeat nothing a re read could fix however. Aside from that I honestly have nothing bad to say about this work of yours. It is honestly great and was a pleasing read.
Cheers!

Imaginative

You have a very elaborate world planned out that seems very intriguing. It truly captivates the fantasy feel and prepares the reader for a potential epic tale. There were a few grammatical errors here and there which were minor and easy to fix. I was not a huge fan of your dialogue but that is a personal preference. It was effective to your work and furthered the story as needed. All in all I say job well done and curious where you will take this from here.

cheers!

Interesting

I will be frank and say I did not enjoy your written style. Though that does not mean someone else will just fall in love with it. So take my review with a grain of salt. The story itself without giving it away was compelling and the use of imagery therein was effective in capturing the moment. However at times the mood would be startled slightly by an ineffective use of dialogue or an odd sense of the narrator asking the reader a question. (or so that is what i felt like when i read) . The grammar and punctuation is correct for the majority of your work. However the spacing and structure seems off. I recommend using word to write your stories then transferring them to this sight to help alleviate the problem. I am aware that Inkitt has issues with converting formats resulting in odd spaces and removes punctuation's.. The story is good however and almost reminds me of a love craft venture. And for that you get 5/5 stars. The writing style 3/5. I hope you keep writing and coming up with more creative ideas!

Cheers!

Original and Promising

To begin I would like to say well done on writing this piece. It was a blast reading and was able to keep me captivated for the full 13 chapters. Before I go into my review take note that these are my opinions and what I enjoy reading. Don't let what I say deter you from writing , in fact I hope my review makes you motivated to keep going and improve!

Lets start with some of the negative I have seen in this work. To begin your story starts off in lack of better confusing. The first chapter normally makes or breaks most people and this can potentially be a turn off for some people. The story of fuggar and the hunter I believe it was? Captivating tale and perhaps a bit of forshadowing around chapter 4-5. The premise for it was intriguing and it was made clear it was just a story. the second half of chapter 1 went to explain the realms and those that dwelled in it. It was an interesting read but you wrote it an awkward 2nd person pov which I think would have been better without the narrator interacting with so many You' and I's intertwined. just a personal taste is all. There were a few minor typos here and there the ones I found I sent you feedback via email ((disregard Isat didn't realize that was a name sorry)). I did not fall in love with your writing style I felt it did not captivate the mood you were trying to portray. As I have commented in most of the chapters practice on showing vs telling and work on world building and the physical sense.

Onto the positives of the story and I have to give you some worthy praise. This is truly a work of art a diamond in the rough waiting to be polished and shown to a jeweler. The plot of the book is amazing and feels truly original. I have not read nor heard of another story like this. So I give you 5 stars for the creativity and imaginative storytelling. Next I would like to point out the interesting way you depicted the seven deadly sins. The creatures known anan and assa ((hoped i spelled those two right)) were an interesting pair in a colony of thousands of fragar. You effectively made them a solo protagonist while keeping the mentality of the colony unphased. The way they gained energy from said emotions ((sins such as wrath envy greed etc)) was rather interesting in that they can taste it in the way that humans can feel it. My favorite part of your work was around the chapter 5-7 mark where Cervux (( again sorry if the name is mistyped )) is torturing anan wanting assa to be released (( or vice versa I am bad with names)) the plot then turns from "not going to let you win and have her " to a "oh damn there is another big baddie here to fight Cervux".. The demon Cervux was an excellent villain to this book and he was portrayed well. After he was killed off I felt cheated in a sense. Regardless of him being defeated I wanted more of what he can and will do. Which got me thinking... the fact I cared to see this character more means you did a good job making me as a reader interested. Past the halfway mark of this book out delved into the emotional aspect of your characters and show a type of writing that appears promising. Your depiction of how annanassaa is able to feel love was touching in all regards and I loved reading it.

At the end of the day that is all we want as writers. To have our readers relate to a story and find it attractive and amusing while telling their friends about it. You have a good story, one I will be keeping an eye out as you add more to it. Fix some of the minor things I listed and tidy up the plot and all will be well, You have talent and I tip my hat to you.

Cheers!

Well Done

I have never been a big fan of thrillers but your style had a sense of excitement that kept it from feeling dull. You made the characters somewhat relateable thus making the events that transpired feel realistic. You have a good piece here and I hope it goes far I voted for your novel in the contest as well. Keep the writing going be a pleasure to read more from you. Cheers !

Honest reveiw

I think a few people were a bit harsh on giving such a low score on the grammar and punctuation's. In fact in this work entirely only a few stood out where I left feedback. The Author shows a professional level of writing and plot device that becomes evident as the story progresses. The amount of detail put into every little thing adds a sense of realism to the world that most new fantasy writers tend to neglect. There were a few moments where the author was too caught up in explaining every detail that it felt tedious at times. An example were the guards in the grove to the archbishops abode. It was interesting to learn of their capabilities but felt made the pacing feel a little clunky and irrelevant to the rest of the story. Just a personal nitpick of mine, the rest felt balanced and flowed effectively. Towards the end of the book it seems to pick up a bit and truly captivate the reader. The author has talent in this genre and it truly shows. Considering my feedback given via email at your leisure.

I wish you all the best in your work,

Benjamin Rosen

Good

Was a good read you have the workings of good writer. Found a few minor punctuation problems here and there however. The pacing was effective and you utilized the first person perspective as needed well done. The plot ties up cleanly and clearly with an overall descent ending. However the story felt too much like a historical lesson as it was written in perhaps an essay format. For a short story doing this style is understandable but can bore most readers when they want to get into a story right away. Granted that is personal preference so take that in mind everyone's taste is different.

Work in Progress

I am not 100% certain what direction this book will go based on these two chapters alone so take my criticism with a grain of salt. To begin, the plot of the story concerning evolved humans at war with each other is rather interesting. The creature in the depths gave off sort of an old god feel with room to elaborate. You can go in many different directions with this so have fun. The writing style however I was not a big fan of. Granted take what I say lightly since I do not know what your intentions are for this work. But If you are going to use a first person perspective be sure to ease the transition between the first person plural and singular (as in we verses me for example.) Be sure to understand the pros and cons of using this perspective and write accordingly. First person allows for a more intimate portrayal of the characters emotions that you don't see often. I would love to see how this story reads if you emphasized with this Xia character and bring out the colors of what she is truly feeling. Another bit of advice I would offer is show vs tell. When writing don;t simply say ( x happens ) instead say ( y is happening thus x happens.) Another example would be ( I swam away in fear hoping to survive the dire situation ) instead use ( I was so scared my legs began to go numb and my senses dreary as I swam away) small things like that bring the world to life and make the characters feel real. Last bit of advice I can offer is story pacing. I do not know your whole intentions for the book either short story or novel I would recommend expanding on the universe in general and give more intimate details. Do these little things and I think you have the working of a good book. Best of luck to you !

Fun

Needs a few tweaks but for where it was going it held a solid plot. Could be a fun little children's book one day if you get some great illustrations. Holds a conveying message about doing as your told or suffer unbound consequences. If this book was on the shelf today and if i had a kid i would buy it. Overall well done fix some grammar and sentence structure and it will be awesome. And yes i upvoted it in case you comment asking me to.
Cheers!

Hidden Gem

This type of story is what excited horror reader and writers to no end. The authors splendid use of imagery and butchery type of tones were not overly done nor did it make the scenes feel corny. In fact in some cases you could feel the dread and despair as you reached the climax of the story. Normally I see many people utilize the first person point of veiw and fail at describing the going on and being too focused on the mc focus and emotions. I was pleased to see the Author did not restrict themselves and utilized this format splendidly. The build up was excellent along with a believable main character. I think the ending was effective but a tad abrupt for my personal taste, but that is just my opinion it read well. All in all great work, I would recommend this story in a book of short horror stories or book list.

Fascinating

The opening chapter was very interesting, and as a reader I could not deduct exactly what the setting for the book was. If it was a more poetic venture or perhaps a literal meaning something similar to a surreal world like Alice in wonderland. I was glad to see it being the latter as we follow Crimson for all intents and purposes keep having these visions/dreams. Without spoiling the ending it did not come with slight shock that her 'predicament' was so. I know this is a short story and you have to fit in a plot and senses for the reader. I still think you can reach further if you instill more imagery to immerse the readers. It is good now but it can be great. type of scenario. There were a few very minor grammar errors such as a misspelled word but nothing major. All in all fascinating read.

Effective

Short story telling is a marvelous avenue to offer looks into realities we do not want to invest too heavily in, Sometimes it is a message that drives us to find, or perhaps an analogy that we would normally choose to neglect to consider. The concept of Lost and Sunny play that specific tone, and offered questions to the readers not in the form of what a plot is. But what an idea and perhaps a reflection from the author to the reader to ponder over. 'A Conversation with Lost' is emotional yet charming at the same time. Though rather simple the premise hold tremendous weight. I would recommend this story in any book list of emotional pieces.

Work in progress

Reviewed .. 1/28/2019

First off I am not here to bash you as a writer nor say how good or bad you are as one. In fact attempting to make a story is a honorable feat in itself. Your story under the genre of adventure/horror did not fit the tone you were trying to portray. In fact it came off as a more dark humor even satire at times. The plot of the of the book fit the typical zombie trope but you added a "save Christmas" spin to it that made the reality seem less vital or severe. Were this a comedy, I would have given you five stars in the plot department since it has the possibility to become a good comedy. Your writing style is rather lacking in multiple areas. My best advice as a growing writer is to simply keep writing and reading. Like painting you only get good with time. Work on showing vs telling narrative, express dialogue in a proper format that is understandable to the reader. Your best bet is to (as simple as it sounds) youtube editors preferences and proper story development. This alone will increase your overall stars to a 3 or a 4 if you brush up on those things I mentioned. This rating was harsh but you still have promise hence my length review to it. If you plan to go back and improve this story please let me know so I can update my opinion.

P.s the gender reveal with pink sand in with a zombie was very clever well done

Best of luck!
Cheers!

Complex

You were not joking in your blurb when you stated it is nigh impossible to explain something this complex, Without spoiling for future readers you executed the various characters very well including fleshing out their personalities that most writers tend to neglect. It was honestly a breath of fresh air to see a third person narrative for a fantasy novel. I have grown weary of these first person narratives it has been leading a bad taste in my mouth. There were a few very minor sentence structure mishaps which I included in the feedback portion ( Though inkitt software seems to not be working on it let me know if you get anything via email.). The plot itself felt riveting but not something that stood out to me. (to another person it may so dont take my opinion to heart). I enjoyed your writing style, it was fluid and complimented the scene setting and dialogues effectively. ( Though a few instances of when they were talking out loud felt too much like exposition but that is just a minor thing). All in all I tip my hat off to you. Great work!

Cheers!

The Grim Reaper ( Original and tasteful)

The Grim Reaper is a tale of a kid in school living in a town called Evantide. He lost his buddy and want to enact his revenge upon the serial killer, Who just so happens to commit his murders every Halloween. As events unfold supernatural occurrences progress as Thomas our protagonist begins to see visions of the serial killer. Which in turn unfortunately lands him in a mental hospital. The book is still in progress so it is safe to assume this wont be the last of Thomas.

The story plot is original and refreshing with a different take on the matter of suspense. Not too often do we get to meet the serial killer around the fourth chapter. The plot is without a doubt the strong selling point for this work and I look forward as a reader to see what the end has in store.

At the same time however the Author needs to be aware of utilzing proper scene setting. Too many times did one scene jump to the next confusing the reader. Characters need to be polished and give importance as to why they are mentioned. Having to many irrelevant character will confuse the reader leaving them to not able sympathize easily with them. The dialogue from my personal view was effective but needing polish and minor editing. Too many times did the Author show and use the dilouge to prove a plot point instead of letting it transition like a normal human conversation. As the chapters progressed however this mistake became minor.

Punctuation and grammar were effective only finding a few misspelled words or improper commas and the like. At the end of the day you have a great story on your hands and look forward to seeing it grow and blossom. An excellent read that needs a little bit of love.. Great work here Author I will be looking forward to some updates.

Honest Review

To begin great work thus far in working on your blossoming novel. It shows promise and has the opportunity to captivate an audience. Speaking of audience I sensed more dark fantasy elements aside from the vampire theme. Don't mind my curt opinion on that genre, but it does feel a little recycled in establishing the romantic vampire feel. However there is an audience for this type of work and that is what truly matters.

Getting into the meat of your story I would like to point out the introduction. It was effective and got my attention vividly. At the same time as this book gets more exposure be ready for criticism on "lavishing your world" a bit more. Something interesting I am finding with that analogy is that the younger generation writers tend to focus more on the plot and the emotional aspect over spending hours describing what a tree looks like. You have a good writing style and it will only improve as you spend hours working on it.

As far as structure of the story there were minor punctuation errors ( I am on to talk mine are horrid). A quick read through will fix a few of them and make it nearly perfect in that category. towards the end of your novel around chapter 8 i think it was. You stated Alexanders POV, I left a comment on that chapter describing my opinion on expressing the change of POV through a paragraph. but that is ultimately your story and one reviewers opinion. The pacing of the story seems effective but a bit short in some regards. granted there is no secret formula nor do I know your intentions for this book end game. I would still strive for 2500 words on average per chapter (story depending).

Granted I may not be for this type of read I would recommend this work in progress to those interested in the genre. If I were a teenage girl I would for sure grab this book and read it at night. But alas I write this with a beard and an ale in my hand. Regardless great work, it caught my attention to read it to your last update. Keep going and get the word out for your story you got talent.

Sorry for the long review

Cheers!

Creative

The book is comprised of a handful of short stories and a couple of horror inspired poems. I would like to have seen the poems break apart each story. As if an entree for the next meals (short story). Quickly covering the poetry I found them oddly satisfying and catchy with its rhythmic rhyming. They were the appropriate length and served their purpose in conveying the message the Author was trying to tell the reader. The short stories were effective, particularly the ones that stood out was the student with insomnia, the tale about a visitor being fed to rats, the convict swimming with sharks, and dejavu. Those three stood out to me personally and found them utterly fascinating in a dreadful way. A few of the other stories were effective but the dialogue (from my opinion a least) did not captivate me. like the other three did. I am sure you have many more short stories coming to this work of yours and I look forward to reading more of them. Great work Author, keep the horror coming!

Cheers!

Unique

The world that is set here is imaginative and unique. The organizations there in are vibrant and have motives that drive the story. And the characters each have their own unique personality that contributes to the story. The romance is not sappy but charming in some respect. While the action sequences themselves are well choreographed, It would have still been nice to see a bit more in that regard but overall a solid read. There were a few very minor punctuation errors, And a few sentences could have been rephrased slightly, particularly in the dialogue portion. Everything was described efficiently and the reader was immersed into the authors world. All said and done I would recommend this book to read for those interested in political intrigue and agent style of motives. Hat goes off to the author well done here

Cheers!

Clever and Thoughtful

This story compels you to keep turning the page to the next chapter. You could say it was ruthless in keeping your attention. Though this is one of the few longer reads I have reviewed, it was still worth the time invested. The plot of the story has a very adventurous tone with an underlining yet forgotten dystopian feel. Was not truly able to discern it with only one read through. Kayin ( Hope i spelled it right) is a very strong protagonist in terms of growth and plot. His supporting cast were all drawn up to have emotions and quirks of their own that truly helped bring this novel to life. The Author was able to easily balance the world and emotions therein to give a splendid take on both imagery and emotion. A feat newer authors tend to struggle with. A few nit picks here and there concerning show vs tell were rare but never pulled the reader out of the immersion of the tale. The grammar is effective with only minor nuisances such as punctuation and an occasional sentence structure.

All in all this is a very solid story that deserves a read though and a chance. In terms of quality I would recommend this book in a professional setting, however, under a more adventure genre over its fantasy element. My hat goes off to the Author and their hours put into this work, it clearly shows!

Compelling

Better at Pretending. In regards to young adult reads this work seems to be hidden away when it should be noticed. I am not one for first person POV's but you made it work and capitalized on the emotional aspect this trope tends to bring. Which in this case is very effective when convincing the readers every little defective thing that happens to our poor protagonist. You introduced the characters effectively and eased the reader into the accident for us to truly appreciate the value of this character. The hardships she goes through from then on tends to seem more realistic. This is where your work truly shined and made it work. My only gripe was that the ending felt rushed and perhaps needed to be cleaned. Perhaps a little bit of editing here and there will clean this up perfectly. Some minor punctuation mistakes and odd choices of sentences structure were rare but still prevalent. All in all this is a gem and I am glad to have found it. Well done.

Fun Read

Fun poem with a premise similar to Edgar Poe himself. It was not written with an overly obvious rhyming tone, but written in a pure poetic way that most authors seem to neglect now a days. The story revolves around a crow named Jefferey whom the main character ends up sacrificing for "fame". The plot idea was effective, but feels as though the ending was a tad rushed (personal opinion). The written style and punctuation was effective and captured the tone of the story correctly. The poem was good enough, to that I will read another if the Author posted more of its kind. Great work and definitely worth giving a read.

Fun Read

Leo Between the Four suns is a fantastical read. If you enjoy being immersed into a fantasy realm this will be your kind of treat. At the same time though the Author needs to be wary of showing vs telling. Slowing down on the world building and descriptions. And provide emphasis on the conflicts and actions that arise. Fixing these minor details will essentially make this piece of work almost flawless. Keep up the good work Collins! Cheers!

Beautiful

Good poetic read. Keep up the good work!

Interesting

Once you fix all the minor details such as grammar and opening the reader up to the world you will have an extraordinary book on your hands. The plot itself was admirable and not a typical cliche like you see in most sci-fi books. A few times however mostly the beginning it was hard to stay focused and motivated to read perhaps change things up for the reader? All in all well done hope to read more from you soon! Cheers!

Exceptional

To be frank I don't often award perfect stars there is usually a small detail that nit picks at me. The plot worked effectively and wove the premise of a scifi into an emotional romance piece. It reads well nothing too crazy just humble descriptions and dialogue. I would state some more world building would be great but then again the ambiguous of it all adds to the tension. I did not noticed any grammar issues unless they were minor such as a missed comma here and there. The book was interesting I had to read it in three different goes however since this type of work is not my preference. I dont have much knowledge on scifi let alone romance so from what I could tell you have a good piece of work here. I would recommend this book to the romance crowd. Well Done!

Potential

To begin great work thus far with this piece it shows some good potential. I do not know your ultimate plans for your work here either a short story or a novel length but do take my critique with a grain of salt with that in mind. I will view your work as a novel in progress for the time being.

To start lets discuss the future of your work .Adventure books tend to run a length of 40k-70k words. While fantasy tends to run much higher nearing the 110k mark for the epics. Adventure tends to revolve around the now and present and its characters while fantasy ( though vague in some regard) still needs to give life to the world around it either magical realism, odd beasts or dystopian realms. Knowing this you should be sure to find a balance with your pacing. At the moment your work tends to read more with an action adventure tone with some slight humor ( if you choose to keep the prologue I know some love or hate them). If you wish to bring out the 'flavour' of your fantasy I recommend doing a little more world building as the story progresses. A simple ( X happened so Y is the norm) does not normally fly unless its such a minor detail.

In regards to the ratings you have a clever and unique plot that has some good directions. However the way you are pacing these events seems a bit rushed and the parts that deserve some meaning are overpassed with a simple one sentence when it deserves more. An example would be your character becoming upset he will miss his family. I as a reader was not captivated by his longing. The part where the game was being described could have used more emphasis. The part where everyone dies at the end of the game could be played on a bit harsher. Add some shock and awe if you don;t it ends up reading like another hunger games cliche. Be sure to separate yourself from that genre unless that was your intention.

The writing style itself aside form the pacing was fair. You would have scored higher if there was no prologue that gave a tongue and cheek sort of feel making the tone of the story not to be taken seriously. If your intention was to make a fun read centered for the young adult crowd keep this motive and run with it. If not consider some revisions.

I would like to come back and reread this when you are all done and I look forward to the plans you have for this piece. Leaving a chapter on a cliffhanger is effective way to keep readers drawn into the book. As I said don't take my review or critique too harshly since I do not know what your intentions are.

Wish you all the best, Cheers !

Deadly Secrets Review

Deadly secrets is an intriguing tale depicting the events unfolding around the political intrigue. With the growing interest in climate change talking this subjectputs a sense of freshness in the topic in a more fictional sense that feels all too real. There were times throughout the book that I felt the pacing was a bit rushed and could have slowed down to explore potential avenues with the characters. A good example was when you delved into the realm of the Wrothgar fella and his phone call. This was enticing and gave the reader a different perspective. Small things like this truly made your work shine. While reading your work I truly got the sense of a spy thriller in some regard perhaps a little adventure with all the key points they seems to travel to. Your depictions of these regions for example were effective and further progressed the story to add a sense of a larger theme. You as an author did an excellent job in showing us the readers instead of telling. I could sense the dread or feel the damp air when reading your work. Your words explaining each event seemed to carefully draw on the story even more. Though this is not the genre of book I tend to read, I would still recommend this for those interested in the thriller/mystery genre.

Review

Upon reading this it was rather enticing and fun. However I can not tell if adding a random "people get married" in there distracts from the main point of the poem. Though I think you trying to involve a response to the sage man in the poem. I think due to the length it should not be in there or at the very least towards the end. Such as explaining what the sage man did then include the consequence (them getting married).

Reveiw

I think you should consider looking into a more decorative way in explaining the fireworks. This is no regard bad, but it also did not captivate the reader or immerse it, or leave a message to ponder.

Interesting

I had a hard time interpreting this story in all respects. Also the style, did you mean to write a more prose style poem if so the idea was rather interesting. Exploring the mind of Marcus as he inhabits a forest. The speed of how quick events transpired and would jump to one or the other made one believe that main character was a child. If that was your intention well done. If this is not prose poetry I unfortunately cant give a constructive criticism since I have not seen anything like this.

Pleasing

There a few liners in this that sounds truly pleasing. The inspiration you got from that E-Book clearly shows. It is amazing what we can do with the directed motivation.

Reveiw

I enjoyed this poem for the most part. The view on dancing and and indulging in it can be quite exquisite. Good portrayal and time put into this.

Aspirational

Big words in a small message. Poetry can lay claim to such beauty in words and you proved this true with this piece. Well done keep up the good work.

Intruiging

This is the type of book I would recommend reading twice to understand all the interesting nook and crannies that fill the chapters. If i recall there was some interesting metaphorical foreshadowing going on which was pleasing. As a fantasy novel it hit the nail into the board meeting all the criteria and then some. Dominick is a good name for such a heroic type of character. Though I feel his character was snarky in some regard, however it still felt like i was reading about a true individual. The combat that lavished this tale was enticing and orchestrated efficiently without vying away from the main story. Like most works published here, there were a few phrases that could be reworded. Using the third person limited POV worked effectively here. I use that format a lot and find it effective when getting plot and action across to the reader. It reads more professionally and your experience clearly shows. I have not come across publish worthy content here but your's is defiantly up there. I hope your work goes far if not this book then your other work.

P.S. Have you considered witting romance? you have written some interesting emotional parts that would make a good sell point to most. Especially since that is where the market is at it seems. Look forward to more of your work keep it going !

Intriguing

Fascinating explanation on weaving and casting a spell. What gives most books from what I read a sense of magical realism is when said magic is explained. A good author who did this well was Paolini from the Eragon series (though I think he over did it to some extent). The introduction of what I assume is a grimoire falling into the hands of a love struck student (or perhaps love struck stalker ha!). Crochet a whole new cat had me smiling there. This ease of tension of using magic that affect attraction is normally negative but you made it seem light hearted. Perhaps prepping reasoning for the main character to use it on their lover despite what the letter concluded?

Though this is just a letter to said love interest and we do not know much about the story. I can guess there will be some sort of short story arc explaining the events leading up to this letter? I am curious where you will go with this. I am not a fan of rating a story so prematurely since things can change. Such further as writing style, dialogue and so on makes it is hard to project where this story will go. It looks promising however and you seemed to put some thought and effort into this. I am not one for romance, yet the premise of magical realism seems intriguing to that type of audience. I hope you incorporate both effectively.

Good work Mr. Hugh George Callaway, I look forward to more on this story.

Diamond in the rough

For a work progress there is for sure potential to be had. Going over the positives on this work concerning the characters, the reader will be immersed into a plethora of a revolving cast. Put simple the MC (Nana) will come upon multiple encounters with different characters keeping the situation fresh and new. Works concerning the story itself can be drawn up simply as an evolving coming of age story with side events included here and there. Picture it if you will a series of short stories told in a fictional novel setting. Potential concerning this story can develop very well but the author needs to be wary of a clear concise direction so as not to confuse their reader base.

Going over the negatives of this I would like to first point out a some grammar errors that can be addressed once this project has been finished from the rough draft phase. Secondly I as an unbiased reader I found the style and tone of your writing to lack a certain depth. You have the emotional and well being of character covered; however the reader is left curious and rather frustrated in some chapters where certain scenes could have been depicted better. Some combat scenes (on the side note) was orchestrated well but felt rather short in some areas as if they were rushed. Lastly I would recommend researching better avenues to use the first person. As an author the over extensive use of I can feel repetitive regardless of the fact a sentence may require referring to the MC. There were times where you broke from the first person and left the reader confused as to the current situation and who was talking. ( narrator mc other?) If you wish to continue using a first person perspective in a recommend picking up "A clockwork Orange". I have not read it but it is written in a rather first person perspective that you may find useful to better your own work.

The Author put obvious handwork and dedication since the work itself was over 300+ pages. I would rate this as an above average story (for its type) once it has been polished. Keep up the good work and I look forward to reading it again once it is fully completed.

Well Done

First off.... Poor Richard, You really put him through hell. jokes aside i went into this story being slightly unimpressed and sort of haphazardly reading it. However as time went on as you try and to understand where hes at, and why these atrocious events are happening you begin to depict some theories. I was not a fan of your writing style but i fell in love with the plot and story. I am sure others will love how this book reads so don't take my opinion on it to heart. Some grammar errors but that's with everyone here no point in harping over it. My favorite part was when Catherine ate the fingers off the girl and neck.... I was a bit astonished and freaked out honestly. The ending was spot on and kind of a mind trip. If you can please explain the ending to me or how you envisioned it to be portrayed to the reader. It feels like a horrid place of purgatory but i could be wrong. Anyway great job ! 5/5 in my eyes. Oh if you can please leave a quick review on one of my works i appreciate it . Cheers !

I like it

Hey there Malcolm! i am glad you decided to run with this story, pry even more glad you kept the name Raft. Was a bit nostalgic for me in that regard hahah. Everything looks good but i find this story probably getting a lil stale as time goes on. Or perhaps not, Only time will tell depending on how you decide to take the story either short or novel length. I like how the jokes don't feel too repetitive the whole shit part of the joke you keep it fresh...pun intended. But you write comedy/humor i notice so i am sure you know what you are doing. Other than where the story might go Id say this looks great.. Only stickler for me was that he made earth, which gives the impression of a God and not a god. ( little g ) . Unless that was the intent then interesting choice, good to get some religious folk riled up over it hahaha. The humor style is not my taste but i can appreciate the style and see a good following for it down the road. Pry an age group thing perhaps who knows. If ya find time to review one of my works let me know even a chapter read is beneficial. Right well i hope this review was enough to sate your appetite you writing monster you ! haha have a good one stay safe if your in the florida/ texas area

Well done

The message you wanted to send was clear and concise but it felt too rushed. For more emotionally blunt individuals like myself it would require a tad bit more detail. I think an extra 400 words of details and reliability between the read and writer will help this along. I dont see this as a standalone obviously but maybe a book of motivation or proverbs with this mixed in. Anyway good job keep up the good writing.

Well done

what is there to say. Fix some grammar errors and you will be golden. Alot of books here need grammar checks so no reason to harp on those minor things. It reads well and the plot is strong. Overall well done, I am not one for romance but i can say you did a good job here.

Potential

the biggest stickler for me was the pacing of the story and how it transferred from a first person perspective into a 3rd hybrid perspective within a chapter. I do love anime do not get me wrong but it does feel like a cliche story about revenge. However it is refreshing to see a your main character has distinct emotions that most authors tend to neglect. I could not put my finger on the girl but she was written up decently enough, the typical damsel in distress catch. Be good to see her play a larger role down the road if you have not planned for it. Aside from your structure and grammar the plot has promise and potential in the making but it is all on how you plan it out. Don't be afraid to get descriptive either. I was wanting a better explanation about his werewolf fur when it absorbs magic or something along those lines. The vampire section at the end felt a little rushed as a side note but was clever enough for the most part. The ideas are there man and you got some potential run with it and see where it goes I am rooting for ya man.

Average

To begin with i enjoyed your writing style and i didn't notice too many grammar errors that made it unreadable. Explanation of scenes and character development seems alright not amazing but it held its weight. But as for most action writers, romance is not their strong suit and tends to come off cheesy. if they force it into the story. I am not a huge fan of gi-joe or resident evil but from what i took out of it, seemed like a fun concept that you obviously put time and effort into and should be applauded for. Good stepping stone for future work.. keep writing and things will get easier. Not a bad story but not a good one. 3/ 5 stars