DubW

The Shire

Full time hack writer and exercise fanatic - strong Irish/Scottish heritage an influence on writing

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Intense

Intense scenes with vivid descriptions. Syntax errors bothered the pace and the sudden introduction of multiple characters was a confusing point. Next chapters will have trouble keeping pace with these scenes.

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Good vibes

The story had a lot of merit, pretty good character development and the characters held their style to the end. The plot from the prologue looked dramatic, but the story did not match. While the overall plot is conceivable it would be wise to spend time simply listening to young boys talk - it's at best abrasive, in this story the young men are psychologically discussing love life. The tortured life of the obese young man is okay, but the ensuing discussions with friends were unbelievable.
Technically, a couple of major issues. First, speech tags. Learn to write without them for the most part.
Second. Flow. Make sure point b follows a, or at least leads the reader to it.
Caution adding characters without introductions.
This is a good start on something that might make into a viable story at so0me point.

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Great intro

A well written story which leads the reader along. Only a couple of glitches, but well worth reading the whole story. Thanks for posting the chapters.

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Good Erotica

Re read story - good stuff, too many grammatical and POV errors still.

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Powerful start

The overwhelming grammatical issues destroyed the plot. A good story to be had with a little work.

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Good stuff

Good story, some syntax errors and a couple of POV shifts

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Getting close

Not too bad erotica, a little problem with syntax in the descriptions and grammar needs a lot of work. The story generally flowed although some of the twins mood swings seemed confusing. Generally, a good start to something that might be a top erotic romantic story.

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Bravo

You nailed it. Ah, the distraction of reading - guilty. But, someone told me good writers are good readers, the justification I needed. The piece was so well written I couldn't stop reading - see my story is waiting and I'm reading. A perfect written piece that defines the syndrome without preaching. To say I loved the article would be an understatement. Thanks.

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Good stuff

Pretty good Vampire lore, some notables; first, no basements in New Orleans, walkouts maybe. Second, the problem with ghosts, hard to believe Vampires would be worried - I see this as a weak point. Overall it is a good Vampire story with lots of great descriptions. I look forward to more.

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Good descriptions

After reading the first chapter I offer this review. Simply because I don't care for that type of story, that said, I though the sensory descriptions were very well done. A bit too much narration without action, but the story had merit. Watch out for tense shifts and always proof read before posting.

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Great Storyline

A fun and moving storyline - unfinished at this writing. The biggest concerns center around basic syntax errors. Secondly, too much telling without doing. At times explanation marks were dominant as well as adverbial phases joining an abundance of speech tags. With a red pencil rewrite this could be a great story.

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Charming Story

A general issue with syntax and probably proof reading, too many transition errors. The storyline was well thought out and even plausible - the erotic scenes were generally well written. The oral sex scene had the best imagery. This is less of an erotic story and more of a love story with erotic elements, almost like reading a romance novel..

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Bravo Story

Going to be a bravo story - hard hitting action. I really like the pace, the plot is developing. A number syntax and language errors, but otherwise a story worth seeing more.

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Gentle

Nice gentle erotic features, the story flowed and although the plot was exposed early the short story format met its match. Some of the style slipped with a couple of tense shifts. Syntax errors, general grammar, hampered readability, but otherwise a good story.

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Good Story

A good story with a mystery that followed, albeit incomplete. The plot carried the story. Early chapters were colorful and superb in my opinion. Later chapters appeared hurried,

The style appeared to shift as the story progressed. Often times writing in present tense adds to this situation.

Minor tense shifts, explanation marks, speech tags, general word choice and vocabulary detracted from the readability.

This work has a lot of merit. With some minor work it could be a winner.

dw

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The stories

Storewide the individual pieces are strong. The repairman was by far the best. However difficultly with general construction, word choice, syntax, and tense shifts damaged the readability. A good close edit would make these stories come alive.

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Nice Story

Well done erotica. The story line was plausible, the story progressed nicely without losing pace. Some troubles with POV and general syntax but the pace and storyline made the writing enjoyable.

dw

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Gentle Erotica

This is was easy and gentle erotica, a well thought out style and moved through the outline with ease, A sight problem occurred mid structure with too much space (story drag) allowed for the time before leaving the bar. A number of typos and word choice difficulties. A good edit would clean this up nicely.

Hope this helps.

dw

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Great Erotic Action

Well paced and explicit without being vulgar, good erotic writing. The character POV switches helped move the action and made the read quite enjoyable.

dw

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Great Story

Overall this was a fine story with an erotic ovation. Swinging clubs have been around a long time, and like the writer indicated a beginners club is not unique, but the inside story was so well written as to keep a readers attention. The plot was perfect - a great study in human nature.

The style worked, although some attention to descriptive detail is needed, the overall picture is clear however.

A red pencil edit would help clear up many of the minor errors. Learning to delete speech tags will help any story a writer composes.

Simple mistakes ie; too and waist and a collection of others hurt the technical style.

I hope these notes help.

dw

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Office time

Most Erotic fiction is just overblown sex details, this is an excellent short story told in narrative form that becomes a page turner. A couple of minor errors but nothing to cry about. The plot was exposed, of course, at the club. The final chapter was cleanly done and probably the best of the collection. Fortunately/unfortunately I know this person in reality, different name different company, but it could be her biography.

Keep writing.

dw

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The Mansion

Erotica is usually boring. The author aptly escapes this charge by using 1) short chapters, 2) multiple voices. At times the story line droned on, after all, sex by any other name is still sex, although this writer spiced the story frequently with technique variables to make a sex Ed. prof blush. The predictable plot moved along at a solid pace. My opinion, the "Gang bang" chapter was just pornographic and vulgar.

Stylewise, 1st. person, present tense is at best hard. And, the writer slipped a number of times into 3rd. person - for whole chapters, but unfortunately also for certain paragraphs mid chapter.

Technical skills overall were okay, although a red pencil is needed to eliminate what appear to be typos.

I hope these notes are helpful.

dw

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In the mist....a dragon

This story is one that might have been told by the voice of an elder story teller. The color of the descriptions and narration would make Savatore envious. And the voice of such writers as Miller and others comes through in the dialog. With work, this epic is publishable. Find a nit-picking editor after a good rewrite. A continuity flaw in the second chapter, a number of typos and a few minor mechanical errors are easily fixable. The abundance of descriptive prose can only be fixed by a wholesale examination of how the story should be told. The old "show me, don't tell me" saying is perhaps truest in this work. Some minor sub plots seemed to take over. The story bogs down with the lengthy philosophy discussions. Action speaks much stronger than the philosophical diatribe of characters. Watch word choices, be careful about common phases. Be ever so cautious introducing new primary characters late in the story. Not everyone needs a name. And, watch for redundant phases or words. An enjoyable read, think about tightening it up.

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