Don't Be A Robot

Try not to feel sorry for myself.

Having gone through so much, I feel it’s not fair for a child to go through that and I feel sorry for that child.

The picture of me coloring at the table in a yellow shirt made me cry.

Was I actually just doing something to make me happy?

I mostly remember doing things alone. - like I didn’t really have friends. Was I sad then? Did I know how I felt? I want to hug that little girl and be her best friend.

I feel like I was let down. I feel like I was always in trouble. - like I wasn’t good enough.

I used to get in trouble at school for talking. I read in my diary that I had lunch detention.

My dad sent duct tape to school for my teacher to “use” (threaten) on me if I couldn’t keep quiet. Mrs. Gresham even asked one time, “Do you want me to do what your dad said?“. I got the feeling she recognized what I was dealing with at home then. It was like she felt guilty for saying it but was doing whatever it took to not send me home with another pink slip.

My dad jokes, “Once you started talking, I couldn’t get you to stop.”

Scenarios like this were often.

I was always grounded. Usually for grades/texting too much/talking at school.

I never had friends stay the night until high school, and it was only a couple of times.

My dad didn’t trust me. He held things over me. He always made sure I “needed” him, but wanted me to be independent. But anytime I do something on my own, he criticizes me.

Thought: Should I be independent again? I’m supposed to ask for help if I need it, but John and my dad are the only two I would ask. My dad would criticize, and John would complain or say no.

Is this why I like to be in control? And if not, I run away in fear of rejection?

My mom used to strip. I stole some of her “costumes” and wore under my clothes at school in hopes I would get good attention. People just made fun of me and thought I was weird. I used to steal clothes and shoes from friends and family members to have stuff my parents wouldn’t buy for me, to try to fit in.

Who teaches children to judge others? I don’t remember judging because I was always judged. Not until I got older, but even then, I was still understanding.

Why was I so different from everyone?

Peers, colleagues, family...

In my family, I was the bad child. The step child. The boy who cried wolf. The one that got in trouble. The one who stole. The one who talked back. The one who wore jeans in summer.

I couldn’t read. Well, I could, but I didn’t comprehend what I was reading. I failed at vocabulary, literature, history. I excelled in math and spelling, and I was fairly good at English and Science. I loved art class and home economics (cooking).

I am a creator and problem solver.

Nothing in between.

What is even in between? Robots?

Although, I’m not a “genius”, I would rather have the struggles that I had than to be oblivious to the grander picture.

What is the grander picture?

I struggle with this.

Religion (Christianity) says we are to get as many people to heaven as possible.

But I know that God didn’t give us intelligence and this big, beautiful Earth for nothing. I don’t want to create medicine, fire, electricity, etc. I want to create happiness.

I want to help - problem solve

I want to observe - wisdom

I want to be creative - create

All of these things bring me happiness.

Does that make me different? I don’t know.

I guess the problem isn’t that I may be “different”. The problem is that I don’t feel understood.

The robots go to work because they think they HAVE to. I go to work because I haven’t figured out how not to.

Work doesn’t make me happy. Socializing with my coworkers gets me through it. I once felt needed and appreciated at my job. No more. Now work is an IMPOSSIBLE task for me. There’s no satisfaction. There’s no tasks. There’s no support.

Q. What is work? A. People’s needs

Solutions: We don’t allow ourselves to need. Well, at least not essentials.

Food - harvest, hunt

Clothing - sew, grow cotton

Shelter - build

If we knew how to do these things, we wouldn’t need: transportation - why would you need to go anywhere?, paying job - you have everything you need, grocery stores, electricity, TV, phones, a billion doctors......

Let life take its course.

Enjoy what you have.

Learn.

Be creative.

Problem solve.

Care.

Understand.

Help.

Be kind.

Live life.

Don't be a robot.