A Mercurial High

I stand in the luscious garden with blooming colorful flowers dancing in the wind. Towering green trees undulate in the distance and the sound of birds singing blesses my ears. The clouds are wisping amongst the vibrant sky filled with hues of pink, orange, and yellow and the colors bounce off the clear water that rushes below. As my mind is filled with joy regarding the beauty of the setting I am ensconced in I forget about you for a little bit. For the first time in what feels like forever, I feel at peace, safe, and not stuck in the continuous cycle of onerous thoughts that haunt me. The moment doesn’t last long though, and once it passes tears begin to cascade from my eyes. I know that I will have to go back to who I truly am now, even if that’s the person I hate the most.

I get home and I trudge into the kitchen where you, the clear bottle of liquor, rests on the counter. You make me freeze in my tracks and I stop to stare at you for a while. You are both my best friend and also my enemy. Usually, I want to be alone with you but instead, I head to my room leaving you in the dust. My cheeks are still painted red and damp from the tears that were streaming down my face before. I lie in my bed and light my favorite candle beside me and the sweet scent wafts through my room. I sit there in silence, just staring at the luminous glowing candle getting lost in my thoughts forever. Part of me is happy I abstained from your presence, the other part of me longs for you to bring me comfort like all those times before. The saudade feeling pours into my mind harder than a waterfall, yet calmer than a still lake in the summer sun.

The next day I wake up with my alarm blaring and long to snooze it, but I have to go to school. I throw on some clothes that look cute, but take no effort and throw my hair up in a bun. I don’t want to look desirable or stand out, but it’s important that I look put together so people don’t see my flaws. The people I am close to have likely read between the lines by now, but I still try to keep the facade up as long as I can. School is both something I hate and enjoy. I hate the fact that it piles stress on me and can make me feel as if I am trapped in a continuous mundane loop. But in the same sense, it keeps me busy. It can help me take my mind off the inconsequential thoughts. And, it forces me to see my friends. Which is a good thing, because spending time with them is enjoyable and beneficial for me. And if it weren’t for school odds are my self-destruct button would cause me to cut them out of my life like coupons in a catalog.

After school, I head to work, which during the week is typically the highlight of my day. How lame is that? But it’s true because in school, sometimes I get bored and stressed. Despite being in public I begin to get clouded with thoughts. At work though, I am always busy, and the laid-back atmosphere prevents stress from occurring. At work, I feel that I am myself, and I don’t have to think about anything whatsoever. I get things done and that’s it. The alleviation it brings is such splendor. Without knowing that feeling and viewing it from the outside working would seem unenjoyable. But being able to not think is a luxury, which is why work tends to be my highlight.

I get home and fear strikes me. This may be my comfort place, but it is also the place I make decisions I later regret. I want to eat, but nothing looks desirable. I decide to shower and I feel calm as the warm water trickles down my body. But then I begin to think. Think, think, think. I turn the water to cold and let it freeze me. It sounds negative, but it feels gratifying because it helps block out my thoughts. Then I step out of the shower and get dressed. I look in the mirror and go through the motions of what I need to do. The only goal is to not think, so just be a robot and get things done.

I head to bed which is the worst because then it is impossible to turn off my thoughts. I remember a time when I loved to think and thoughts made me happy. I would think of the beauty that was in the world, and how little things could bring so much joy. I was artistic and whimsical with my thoughts. And I wish that was the way it was now. But now my thoughts have turned to stone and charcoal. I want to understand where the tables turned, and how I could change so much as a person. I went from positive to negative in a matter of a little bit. It’s as if I jumped from the solar system with stars lighting my path and fell into a cold dark chasm. Oh well, nothing really matters does it? I mean there are so many people and things, and in a matter of time, nobody will remember you anyway. I grab the damn bottle and send the liquor burning down my throat. Nothing matters, so might as well take off the edge right?

“Heyyy!” I yell on the phone as a smile spreads across my face.

“Are you drunk again?” You ask. For a second I feel bad and guilty for my actions, but that wave crashes quickly and I am back on cloud nine.

“Duh,” I pronounce followed by a little giggle.

“You have to stop doing this, but we will talk about it in the morning,” you say and I can see the disappointment you have in your green eyes. I know that I promised you I would try, but let’s be honest we both knew I would fail.

The next day you talk to me for hours. I cry most of the time because I feel so guilty and terrible. Not only have I upset myself, but clearly I have let you down too. The worst part about the whole situation is that as these feelings arise I want to do the whole thing again. But that’s what’s making these feelings occur. It’s a continuous loop of floating and falling which I do again and again. It’s a concept that I can’t understand, but I endure it all the time. I need to stop thinking again, and I hop in my car and drive.

The music that I blast through my speakers brings a mercurial high. This brings more delight than anything else. So why don’t I just always do this instead? That’s a question I don’t know the answer to. The identical houses pass by as I drive down the street, my hair undulating because of the cool breeze that flows through the window. I belt the songs despite my treacherous voice, I smile, and I just let myself feel. Sadness and happiness course through me and although my eyes remain fixated on the road colorful hues are splashed in my view. As the music changes, so do my thoughts. Unlike earlier, this thinking is good. It brings the whimsical artistic feeling that I long for, and it reminds me that this is the person that I love. This is the me that I want to be. And I will. I am going to do it this time.

Minutes, hours, and days pass where I stay on top of this mountain. The warm sun continues to shine down on me and I do everything right. That is until I don’t. I mess something up and the entire mountain crumbles down. I am now buried in the rubble. I know that I should try to climb out, but I don’t. This is the issue. For some reason, I want to continue to be crushed down and just stay here. I’m not sure if it’s the comfort in knowing it can’t get worse, or if it’s something else. Either way, this feeling is my biggest problem. Now that I am staying suppressed under my thoughts I will do things that will make me hate myself.

The bottle is empty next to me and I call you asking if you can go get me another one somewhere. This time not only are you disappointed but you are also angry. I know that from you scolding me on the phone. I apologize profusely, but I wouldn’t accept my apology either. If it’s any consolation I am just as mad at myself too.

I don’t know why I do this. I know what is right and what is wrong. I know what choice should be made, what I should believe, and everything else, but sometimes I just want to pick the wrong choice even when I know it is wrong. Why, why why? I don’t know, you don’t know. And maybe we won’t find out. Or maybe it’s okay. It’s all okay. I will be okay. Now, this is a day where I am happy.

This is the whole circle. It happens over and over and it doesn’t stop. Whimsical thoughts to a destructive era. Occasionally in between the two, there is a mundane, uneasy, lost side too. But either way, it goes on over and over. That’s the end of the story. As unsatisfactory as it is, there is no happy ending yet. The rest is still unwritten. I would like to think the ending will be a happy one, but it’s up to the reader to decide what happens next. Does the character endure the hard work and the fear that comes with making changes? Or do they stay on the dwindling mercurial high? Do they try and find something different or is it alright to be under the sun for a while and then live in a melancholy haze shortly after? The hard part is there is a lot of good in the way things are now, but there's a part that is so harmful and difficult. So I don’t know, but one can only hope for a happy ending.