Judgement

I will be honest with you. I don’t know if this story is real or a figment of my imagination.

Please forgive me for not being reliable, for I am not sure if I am entirely sane.

Nevertheless, if I didn’t tell you this story, there is a chance that I may be putting everything in existence at risk.

I once again ask for your forgiveness, people of the future.

This story, if real, existed for a moment in our memories: we were so sure those events unfolded, yet they started fading away almost instantly. Till not a single object bore no proof those events ever happened. Nobody recalled. But it seemed just for a split second, a page from the universe’s story seemed missing.

But I did. I can never forget it, for the events in this story are the basis of my very existence. And if this story is an illusion, so am I. These days, those memories seem like a dream. It is as if the universe is trying to gaslight everyone involved into accepting it never happened. I get that mother nature wants us to keep the bliss of ignorance but the process sure is agonizing. I am unsure if those events happened, but my gut says so. All I can do is trust myself.

Since I barely manage to hold this story in my mindscape, I don’t know when this story took place. Also where. I know next to nothing.

I implore the readers to heed my warnings.

Not that my warnings will prevent what may happen from passing by.

But at least you can brace yourself for the end of the world.

I would like to ask you a question. What is reality? Is it the absolute truth? Does truth exist for us to understand it?

No. We exist first and think later. Truth is what exists. Reality is how we experience truth.

A simple example. Do a bunch of words on a page really mean something?

But to somebody, those words are a code. They cannot un-see those words. Their brains automatically read and feel them. They cannot see the truth as it is. That those are just black smears on a white surface.

Reality like any lie can be moulded.

Rikkan had always seemed like a cautious person. He always said the most respectable thing in public. Always made the safest bet. He would talk more rebelliously amongst his friends, but he would never act on those words. He resented authority. He was a coward.

It was his life circumstances that made him that way. That isn't my impression of him anyways. It's what he has written on the first and last page of his 'diary'.

Like most of us, he had over time become a prisoner of his personality.

He is the character at the centre of our story. The reason it kicked off.

Exactly what inspired him is beyond most. How can a person change so drastically without any external stimuli? But I know it had something to do with a certain "Uncle Brown".

He was a psychiatrist by profession. The man was well into his forties but looked not a day older than thirty. He was averagely tall and looked sturdy. He had a thick moustache and was rather hirsute. He would always be seen wearing simple but elegant clothes. He had a commanding voice. The kind that shook your very core.

Did Brown foresee what his kindness towards the boy accomplished? If he didn't that would be a shame. He would never know now, for Dr Brown is dead.

He did not die of an illness. A man like him couldn't have. He didn't die in an accident either. He was murdered. A bullet to the chest took his life.

His body was found underneath the Sad Tree, as the children had called it.

Ok. I will admit it. I am feeling rather anxious. It happens whenever I recall this story. Even if I know how it ends, I will try to sound more cheerful now. The world is about to end anyways right? We better spend our last moments happy.

We forget that it is the world. Not our world. Nobody gave us the right to call this world ours- OK. I will try not to get sidetracked. It's my subconscious mind driving me as far away from the story as possible. But I can't allow that yet.

Rikkan had first met Uncle Brown when he visited his home. He had come to see Rikkan, he said. He was a doctor, the one his mother had told him she was expecting that day. He looked at the boy and told him. "I am a friend of your father's. I have come to see you." He said gently and patted his head.

After being served tea, and some banter, Dr Brown went to business.

Rikkan was in his room, lying on his bed. A single thing going on in his mind.

So she finally called a doctor. Finally, I must be going insane.

He was prepared when the knock on his door came. He got up from his bed and opened the door. Outside was, as expected the doctor.

"Everything good Rikkan?" he said as he entered the room.

Rikkan glanced a look into his eyes. They were gentle and calm.

"No. Otherwise, why would she call you?"

"First of all, I didn't come because I was called. I wanted to talk to you. Your mother has told me about your thoughts on the world. I found them rather intriguing. I told your mother I wanted to see you, not the other way round."

He took a deep breath and looked at Rikkan, and put his large hands on the boy's bony shoulders.

"I am not here as a doctor, but as a friend, son"

Rikkan looked at the man's face and found that he meant it. For the first time, he felt normal around a doctor. As if he was a healthy kid.

And he felt it. He felt the burden in his heart become just a tidbit lighter. Even though he wouldn't admit it.

Dr Brown helped himself to the seat near the study table. Rikkan resumed his position on the bed. Not caring to sit formally, because he knew the doctor wouldn't judge him.

"How old are you?"

Rikkan told him he was fifteen.

"I am forty-five"

"You look much younger."

"It's the magic of good sleep. And rather excessive exercise." He chuckled.

"When I grow up, I want to become like you. You are the sanest adult I have ever met."

"Just become yourself, son. Even though I am nobody to stop you. If you want to become like me, it's your decision."

The doctor must have visited at least a couple of times. Rikkan must have become familiar with his mannerisms by then.

They chatted about all kinds of useless things. Like friends do. It isn't relevant to our tale.

The meaningful conversation that happened, occurred on the third visit.

"Doctor," said Rikkan.

"Yes?"

"Please help me become normal," said Rikkan in a shaky voice.

"Only you can help yourself. And only you get to decide if you are okay or not. It's the truth you must accept"

"I get to decide?"

"Yup," said Dr Brown as he left the room. Odd timing.

Rikkan gulped. And mustered up the courage to say what was in his heart. Tears welling up in his eyes, he said something he hadn't even thought about before. It delighted him.

"Then I must say that there is nothing wrong with me. Or anybody else. But something's definitely wrong with the world."

"Society just pushes under the carpet what it doesn't like. It doesn't like to accept the fact that there are no good or bad people," Rikkan continued speaking as words kept coming to him, as he let go of all that he was suppressing."It doesn't want us children to do what we want. Otherwise, how will the country go in the direction they want it to go? Isn't it obvious? If everybody started following their passion won't the world fall into chaos? They want to control the direction we as a people are going. And as a result, they want to control us. Whether they like it or not, being in control thrills them. Under the facade of democracy, they want to rule the world.

"I have not been okay because I allowed myself to be guided like sheep. You are right, doctor. It is my fault I am sick. Only I get to decide whether I am okay or not. And I have decided. I am perfectly fine, thank you."

"That was a dazzling speech right there, "Dr Brown commented, holding two glasses of water." here have some water."

Rikkan blushed bright red.

"You listened?" said Rikkan in between sips.

"Every word. I have got sharp ears." laughed Dr Brown.

Dr Brown then sat on the chair, he gulped the water in one go. His face darkened. He talked to Rikkan as if he was talking to a fellow adult.

" I find your thoughts very relatable. And I have my own opinions. There is also a reverse side to this. Why do people allow themselves to be controlled? Because they want to. They don't want to assume responsibility for their own lives, because they are cowards. It's not something I can explain in words, but nothing tastes like freedom.

"Rikkan I like to believe I am a free man. But I am not. I have been a coward too. I still am sometimes. And it makes me all the more proud that I managed to overcome my fears for those few moments. All it takes is a flicker of fire to light up your world"

This meeting sparked something in Rikkan's heart. The only problem was, in the grand scheme of things, it was never supposed to happen.

Sometimes, freedom is dangerous.

And even after knowing how it ends, I know it is worth it. I know how Rikkan must have felt.