Begin Again

I need a fresh start; to get out of here and go somewhere new. Far away.

You know how it is after a bad breakup, right? You need space, a little alone time to reflect, and to do something absolutely reckless. All in the hopes that it can somehow, someway, help you feel like your old self again.

Well, that’s what I’m doing.

I don’t want to be the woman that I see staring back at me, bleary eyed in the mirror, a reflection I no longer know. The woman

he

turned me into. Because that’s not me. Not anymore.

That’s why I’m currently driving out of town, to get away from my old life and my dark past. Far away from the man who thought he could control me. I don’t even know where I’m going anymore as all of the signs I’ve driven past have turned into a speedy blur of colour. Maybe, if I don’t know where I am, then he won’t be able to find me…

No, that’s irrational. Even in my delirious state, I know that.

I should just stop, get my bearings, and look for a place to crash. God knows I’m in need of a break. My head is pounding, my heart is aching and I’m all together exhausted. But the voice in my head tells me I should just keep going. Just a little longer. Afterall, the more distance I put between us, the better. I don’t want him to find me- I can’t. Not after how we left things.

Blinking back the tears I let spill, I grip onto the steering wheel and carry-on driving. But I only manage to make it another 60 miles before I start to feel waves of tiredness wash over me and I spot a turn off. Deciding to give in to the sleep my body is so desperately craving, I follow the road and find myself in a little town. It looks quaint enough, a good place to hide out for a while, and hopefully somewhere I can stop and get some rest.

But first, I need a

drink

.

After a little drive around, I spot a building with the words ‘The Lion and Crown’ written in glittering golden letters across the wall, mixed into the ever-growing ivy that drapes the front of the building. I pull up into the car park, immediately cutting the engine off. Turning to my side, I lean over and grab my handbag from the passenger seat and step out of my car, slamming the door shut behind me. In one swift motion I lock up the car and shove my keys into my messy handbag. Before I move, I check myself out in the car window.

Dragging my fingers through my dirty blonde hair I notice the dark circles forming underneath my eyes. I let out a deep sigh and brace myself as I walk up to the door, quickly smoothing out my clothes as I do so. I need to look at least semi-presentable and not like a mad woman who has spent the majority of her day driving her car across the country.

Away from

him

.

As I pull open the heavy oak door a wall of heat hits me instantly, the scent of booze and musk filling the air. The place is packed with groups of people gathered around tables, all laughing and gossiping with one another leaving me to feel invisible. Shyly, I shuffle my way through the room and reach the bar, perching myself on the stool.

“Could I have a gin and tonic, please?” I ask the bartender, a sweet smile plastered on my face.

He nods in response and starts to make my drink. I pay him as he hands me the glass and glance around the room. Taking a slow sip, I savour the taste, it’s refreshing and crisp with a tang that leaves me wanting more.

It doesn’t take me long before I order another, and then another. My troubles start to melt away in an instant as the alcohol hits me, causing my head to start to feel a little fuzzy. Deciding to be brave I reach into my bag for my phone, clicking the screen to life to see a little notification flashing. 8 missed calls and 5 voicemails, and all are from

him

.

No, no, no! I don’t need this, not right now.

I feel sick at the sight of his number, but instead of being sensible and deleting the messages I lift the phone to my ear with a trembling hand, to listen to the first voicemail.

“Fliss, can we talk about this? I need to speak to you. We can make this work. I can change! Just give me a chance... Call me… Please...”

He sounds desperate. As though our last argument never even happened. As though he didn’t raise his fist to me when he was blind with rage.

Quickly my phone plays the next one, cutting me off from my thoughts.

“Come on Fliss I’m worried. Call me.” His voice is wavering as he speaks down the crackling phone line and a pang of guilt hits me like an arrow that struck true.

Then the next. “Felicity, call me now. You can’t shut me out.”

His tone has changed, each word dripping with aggression. I wince at the words and picture the rage that’s probably etched across his features. Shutting my eyes, I take a deep breath before the next message plays.

“For fuck's sake Fliss you need to get your ass home now! Don’t you dare think that you can leave me like this!”

But the final message is what gets to me, bringing my worst fears to light. The deadly calm voice murmuring words down the phone line.

“I’m coming for you.”

He’s angry. No, he’s furious; and when he’s furious he becomes dangerous. I can feel the tears building in my eyes and a lump form in my throat. I can’t keep letting him get to me like this. He doesn’t control me, and I won’t let him think that he can any longer. Surely, he doesn’t think we can go back to playing pretend happy... Does he? I want nothing more to do with him and I told him as much when I walked out the door. Leaving him stood there as he screamed those vile insults at me at the top of his lungs.

I order another drink and as soon as I’m handed the glass, I gulp it down, the liquid leaving a burning trail down my throat. Hoping that the alcohol will numb my feelings and help me forget those messages once and for all.

I need to drown him out, and what better way to do that than with more gin.

Smiling at the bartender, he already knows what I am about to ask as he pours another gin and tonic and I slide over my card to pay. I can’t tell if it’s pity I see in his swirling ocean blue eyes when he hands me the card back, or if it is simply the alcohol that is making me feel like he is judging me. Disregarding the look, I snatch up the glass and return my attention to the gathering crowds and drown my sorrows in peace.

The more I drink, the faster the time escapes me. An hour passes me by and I begin to feel the effects of the many drinks I have had. My body sways from side-to-side involuntary on the stool that I’m perched upon. I catch myself before I slip off and try to regain some balance and focus.

But,

he’s

still there, at the forefront of my mind. I still think of him, those dreaded words echoing.

"

I’m coming for you.

"

I snatch up my car keys from the bar top and slip down from the stool. Trying to gain some self control, I stand up surefooted from the stool and begin to walk out of the pub. About half way out of the building, I slide through a group of men, stumbling over my feet in the process. Flying forwards, I try to catch hold of something to keep me upright, but instead, fall face first into the muscular back of a man.

“Hey, watch where you’re going!” he yells, spinning around to face me.

The man grabs my elbows softly, steading me as I try to stand up straight again. I glance up at him sheepishly through my lashes, only to be met with a pair of sparkling green eyes now staring down at me with a look of concern flickering across his irises.

“Are you okay? You look a little-”

“I’m fine,” I mutter, pulling away firmly from his grip. I stand back, keeping my eyes still locked onto his.

His mouth curls up into a half smile, “If you say so.” He shrugs giving a cocky smirk, his eyes scanning over my body. His gaze is intense, like blazing fire, and I suddenly feel a wash of self-consciousness fall over me. His eyes burn into my skin leaving a scorching trail in their wake.

“I-I just need to get to m-my car,” I stumble over my words as the alcohol slurs my speech. The way this man is staring at me causes the feeling of anger to begin bubbling up inside of me. I’m not just a thing for him to gawk at. “Can you move out of my way now?” I snap.

The man takes a step back, holding his hands in the air as mock surrender. He stares at me dumbfounded for a brief moment. As his gaze falls to my hand he spots my car key, expression changing from intense heat to a cool glare of suspicion.

“Uh, you’re not driving. You’re pissed out of your mind.”

I blink back at him with a scowl, “Of course I’m not driving dummy, I’m going to sleep there,” I hiccup. “Now if you will excuse me...” I push past him, storming out the door into the crisp cold air.

Once outside, shivers run down my spine and I stalk towards my car in a hurry. I can hear the faintest sound from behind me but choose to ignore it. The fresh air is a shock to my system and the world around me starts spinning uncontrollably. In an attempt to steady myself I wobble over to my car, placing my hands on the roof and grip tightly in an attempt to remain stable. I rest my head against the cool metal, taking a couple of deep, reassuring breaths.

After a fleeting moment, I feel a warm hand gently touch my shoulder, but before I can fully register the contact, I start falling to the ground and the world around me becomes darkness.