What do I want?

What do I want?

Growing up I thought I would get all the things I desired, only If I did everything right, If I listened to my parents and teachers, study what I was told to study, crack the exams I was told to crack, follow the people who succeeded before me then I would also succeed, If I respect the elders karma will take care of me, If I respect women they will give me respect and love.

I just need to follow the good examples and they will lead me where I want to be.

I never knew what I want to be, I always imagined a vague idea of a life that I wished I had.

When I spent days in my childhood where money was tight, when I couldn’t buy things, others did, eat things others did, I thought money was what I needed.

When I saw men with gorgeous wives and girlfriends, I thought beauty is what I needed.

When I saw people working on projects that impacted the world, I thought of myself working on something that changes the world and children like me in future read about us.

As I grew up, my wants and desires kept amalgamating into a blob of vagueness I can’t even recognize today.

And yet I feel despair to not have it, when my mother calls that my father is sick and we don’t have money to properly treat him I want to want money again, then I would wake up another day, play some games, eat something tasty and I feel satisfied, no need for money.

And yet when I see a friend posting a picture with a girlfriend, I want to want a good girlfriend again.

Then I wake up one day and thought of approaching a random girl to ask her number feels like a unwanted chore.

What do I want?

I want enough money to never have my family worry about it, so I do things I don’t feel like doing but I still fall short because I don’t put enough effort or luck stands in the way.

I want to believe in god, I want to believe that if I just do things right and keep my intentions pure then luck will side with me but that is only because the thought that luck is random scares me.

The thought of I can do all right and still end up on the wrong side of luck scares me, the resentment that I am capable of if that happens scare me, the ugly head of jealousy that would pop up when I see the ones who got lucky scares me.

The thought that I would give up scare me.

But I cannot give up, because If I cant solve things for my family then no one will, and that is what scares me the most.

So where does that leave me, the one thing I want to avoid the most is giving up, my family will not complaint, they will appreciate my efforts and love me.

But it is exactly that which makes this even worse, sometimes I wish they would hate me for it so I can give up on them and be free, but their love and support feels like a debt that I can never repay, a quicksand that I can never leave.

If I cant give up then I see myself stuck in a cycle of being scared to loose and be under the fear of lady luck.

Maybe I get lucky, maybe I come out on the good side, maybe I fix all their problems, but will that make me happy?

I may have all I wanted then and what I fear not having now but will that bring me happiness?

Why is it that when I am deeply enjoying a movie ignoring all responsibilities or when I am going for a early morning walk I feel more happy than the thought of having all the dreams I ever wanted.

I see people who have their passion and love to follow their dreams and it fills me with agony, not because I have a passion that I couldn’t follow but because I never found mine.

I love a lot of things but when I see my friend talk about his career and his love for dancing or someone’s love for photography or writing, I don’t feel like that for anything.

Or is it that I was too scared of ever straying away from the path of “guaranteed” success to ever think about a risky passion.

What do I want?

Is it okay to not want something? is it okay to not have a dream? Is it okay to just live life and work to make your loved ones happy? Is it okay to just work for nothing but responsibilities?

Am I the only one who feels like that?

Am I the only one who gets excited by the thought that what if the world might go to shot tomorrow?

Is this what they call the cooperate prison?

Am I a wimp to even complaint, If I was born in another era, I would be living a hell of a life compared to my life now.

Living a life where a fever is likely to kill you, you eat 2-3 things throughout your life, talk to 5-10 people throughout your life, farm or graze cattle throughout your life and die at 30.

The comfort I have makes me feel guilty to complaint but I cant help but complaint.

Is this the fruits of our spoiled generation?

Is this the humanity’s loss of purpose?

What I want is happiness on my mother’s face, pride on my fathers, respect and admiration in my younger siblings’ hearts, warmth of my dogs hug, smell of my town after rain, taste of the cheap food stand in my town, carefree scooter rides in the rain, watching Real Madrid win the champions league, argue with my friends, hold hands with my first love, get my heart broken by her again, watch my favorite shows and movies again, read my favorite books again.

That is what I want of which I have none.

Maybe tomorrow will bring me new dreams, new prospects, new heartbreaks, new regrets and then I might want them again as I slumber through my next confused faze.

But I understand now that’s what growing up is.

I know these days will be the ones that would make me the father and husband I will be one day, and I cannot run away from it.

I wish to go past this phase of uncertainty, but I know I will crave to be young again when I am past it.

But that is life, I guess.- N.M