My baby

I sat there sobbing uncontrollably. My eyes glazed over as salty tears streaked my cheeks and mouth. I was coughing -spluttering with grief and anger. My face was vermilion and blotchy. I could feel a scorching heat growing in my head,pounding and pulsing.

Why me?

I keep my hands clenched into fists and I grit my teeth,stopping another cry erupting from my mouth. I dig my nails into my palm and bit the inner of my cheek, contorting my face again to stop my breathing becoming into hyperventilation.

"Why God why?" I screamed,snot running down my face ,"What did I do,?Lord,why did you take away my baby?"I choked on the last word with anger.

I never even got to see her grow up.I saw her twice. In the delivery room and in the incubator that they let me visit.

Oooh,she looked so small and cute. Her little feet and pudgy hands that reached for me as they took her away. Her eyes squint but sparkly and cheeks pale with surprise. She cried so loud when she came out I could hear echoes,I can still hear her now. Her lips were wide for her age and her legs were . Her hands were small like coins but her arms were long,like a bird's wing. In the incubator she looked so calm and happy,I was gonna finally take her home and give her all the love I had ready. Then,she died.

I snivled at my thought. These last two weeks have been hell.

Begging the doctors to let me see her. Begging the Lord up above to let me see her. My friends and family Begging me to take care of myself more.

My room was filthy. My walls, covered in black mould. My floor was littered with trash bags. Dishes piled up in the sink.

My clothes,and appearance only look clean.

I had been bingeing, while waiting to get a call back from the doctor. It was triggered by the worry of when the call would come. I couldn't be without her. I felt so alone, she was the last reminder I had of him. Her hair was the same colour as his. I loved them both so much. So getting that call was soul crushing, it broke me.

So in my room I sat,crying and screaming at the Lord above.

How could he?

How dare he?

How dare he take this all from me?

My love.

My child.

My life.

All gone because the Lord deemed it fair?

I crane my neck upward to look at my smoke stained ceiling.

"I-i hate you,you stand over us,make us into your little toys? Play with us? Huh! Answer me, you fake! You traitor!"

I feel my throat close up again. I can barely breathe. I can't stand living like this. I want to end this foolish attempt at a happy life. I wasn't meant for great things. Just this,living in a shitty house,with a shitty life.

I'm done.

I really can't.

I feel most of the sadness leave my body,but my crying doesn't stop. A weird and steady calm has run over my body. It feels so nice,so right.

I get up,dragging my heavy and limp body from my floor. I let my feet lead me to my loves office. The door had been closed ever since he went to the Lord above. However ,I felt so sure of myself,I needed to walk in there.

I open the door, my crying now making it impossibly hard to see. His office was where he did most of his work,he didn't want to clutter up our bedroom so all his things were piled up in here. My left foot steps onto the cool wooden flooring. I looked around,my eyes widened.

I see his hunting gear,and right beside it I see a glock 20. He liked to use it on deer. Said it was easy and made him feel like a policeman. He was such a goof.

I walk up towards the gun,it seems to make my crying dry out a little. I smile. My fingers wrap around the gun,I bring it up to my head.

Breathe.

Just breathe and it will be ok.

I put my index on the trigger.

I pull.

Click

I fall to the floor,tears now flooding out of my eyes. My body's shaking uncontrollably, my hands clammy and my heart is pounding.

My love,he's such a smart guy. He probably knew I'd do something so stupid. Of Course he'd leave the gun unloaded.

God, I love him so much.