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Frozen

All Rights Reserved ©

Summary

When a mysterious ice storm occurs and some friends try to escape, one is not guaranteed to make it away on time.

Genre
Fantasy,Other
Author
Yvi
Status
Complete
Chapters
1
Rating
4.7 (7 reviews)
Age Rating
13+

The Storm

A thick coat of crystalline ice started to surround Yvi. It was starting from her shoes and made its way up to the tip of her triangle-shaped dragon ears. She was unable to move, her feet were frozen in place. The coating slowly crept up her body, creaking and groaning, trapping her arms inside as she struggled to break loose. Yvi grunted in a frightened tone, breathing heavily as she closed her eyes and opened her mouth to cry out for help.

She couldn’t.

The coldness was causing her to go numb bit by bit. Not even her turtleneck sweater kept her warm. Her friend Cless, who was running from the ice storm that covered anyone it touched, looked back.

“YVI!!!” He cried at the top of his lungs once he had spotted her. He had to squint to barely make out where her friend was. The fog made it difficult to see. He turned around and started sprinting towards her as fast as he could, except the powerful wind slowed his pace. Yvi’s cheeks had started turning shades of pink and red as she breathed out cold air. Her lungs were soon to be frozen just like the rest of her body. She struggled to breathe, letting out raspy and quick sharp breaths.

He wasn’t going to make it in time to free Yvi from the cage surrounding her. The cage that would trap her in a chilly frozen place until thawed. Cartoon caught sight of him and yanked his hoodie, causing Cless to be pulled back, collapsing on the hard concrete floor with a loud THUD!!

“DUDE!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?! WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE!!!” exclaimed Cartoon. He knew it was going to be too late to save her, yet his friend denied the possibility. “SHE’S NOT GOING TO MAKE IT EITHER WAY!!”

“I HAVE TO AT LEAST TRY!!” Cless hollered back. He took a grip of the floor and used his momentum to push himself back up. A tear rolled down his pale cheek knowing Cartoon was right. However, that didn’t stop him. The chilly breeze the storm sent made Cless’s elfen ears throb. If he felt that way, he couldn’t imagine how his best friend felt.

“THE FOG IS INCHING CLOSER CLESS!! IF YOU GO BACK YOU’LL BE CAGED IN TOO!!” Cartoon shrieked, attempting to convince him to not go back. He coughed. It was getting colder by the minute. But that level of coldness was nothing compared to the ice cages. Those rested closely on one’s body. It was as if a blizzard wrapped itself around you, waiting for you to perish. Cless looked back at Yvi, his eyebrows lowering and pulling closer together. Yvi locked eyes with him. Her eyes wore a tired, miserable look, as they were barely open. The wind’s force increased as Cless struggled to stay on his feet. She faintly mouthed the word, “Go,” with the remaining strength she had.

Then, her head dropped. Her pale, heterochromia eyes closed. The frost wrapped around the remaining parts of her hair and face, as it all turned blue.

She was gone. She was one of the four people who didn’t make it in time. Their frozen bodies stood up while their souls were passed out into deep sleep. Not all hope was lost for them though. They weren’t dead, only put into a chilly coma. A coma that would make them forget any trace of their past lives. Their friends, family, and foes were all to be forgotten as soon as they woke. All of their memories wiped away as if they were machines that could easily be reprogrammed. They now lied in the hands of the mastermind behind the storm. Only to be used as puppets against their will. After all, the storm wasn’t natural, it was manmade.

Cless didn’t budge feeling his soul drop. Cartoon noticed and shuffled to him, brushing away the frost that was starting to build upon his own face.

“Dude we can’t do anything now. Maybe we can try to find a way to bring her back later but now we have to get out of here. If you stay you’ll have the same fate as her and won’t be able to help.” Cartoon’s voice came out as a raspy and sharp croak.

The cold winds pierced his throat causing him to lose his ability to talk for longer periods. Cless looked at Cartoon, pain in his eyes and then he glanced behind him. His eyes searched for his friend, but she was no longer seen. The fog became thicker by the minute. It swallowed everything around it making it look like a graveyard, or as if the events that had happened were nothing but a faint dream.

Reluctantly, Cless limped forwards as Cartoon held him making sure he wouldn’t fall. Every step Cless took was heavier than the last as numbness set in. He couldn't process that Yvi would no longer be with them. His friend, one of his best friends, had just been lost within the ice and he had to leave her. He could do nothing to save her now. He was filled with remorse knowing he would have looked back quicker and maybe had the chance to save her. But now he would never know.

Let Yvi know what you thought about this chapter!
Love this

5

Love this

Funny

0

Funny

Spicy

0

Spicy

Suspenseful

4

Suspenseful

Emotional

1

Emotional

Profound

0

Profound

Heartwarming

1

Heartwarming

Shocking

1

Shocking

Good Writing

4

Good Writing

Compelling Plot

3

Compelling Plot

Great Character

3

Great Character

Strong Dialog

3

Strong Dialog

author

Hii, Yvi. Firstly Wow, that's quite an intense and emotional scene. The way you described the freezing storm and its impact on Yvi is vivid, making it easy for the reader to feel the desperation and helplessness of the situation. The dynamic between Cless and Cartoon adds depth to the narrative, with Cless's determination to save Yvi despite the odds and Cartoon's pragmatic perspective. The revelation about the storm being manmade adds an intriguing twist, leaving room for further exploration of the plot. Your writing effectively conveys the emotions of the characters, especially in moments like Yvi mouthing "Go" and Cless realizing he can't save her. Then Grammar:
Your grammar is generally good, with clear sentence structures and appropriate punctuation. I didn't notice any major grammatical errors that would distract from the storytelling.(Original: "A tear rolled down his pale cheek knowing Cartoon was right."

Suggested: "A tear rolled down his pale cheek as he acknowledged Cartoon was right.")  One suggestion might be to watch for sentence length to maintain a good flow, but that's more of a stylistic preference.  Characterization:
You've done a good job of creating distinct characters with Cless and Cartoon. Their personalities come through in their dialogue and actions, adding depth to the narrative. Cless's determination to save Yvi and Cartoon's more practical approach create a compelling dynamic. Imagery:
Your use of descriptive language is strong, creating vivid images in the reader's mind. The depiction of the freezing storm, Yvi's struggle, and the overall atmosphere is well-executed. The details about the frost building on faces and the fog thickening contribute to the immersive experience. Overall, it's a compelling and well-written piece. The pacing keeps the reader engaged, and the mix of action, emotion, and mystery creates a captivating atmosphere. Great job!

3 years
1
author

Love this ❤️
The story is nothing like I've read before, I just love how you explain the scene, and I also love your writing style, it's cute! Keep writing, I'm eager to know what happens next.

3 years
1
author

Whoaaaaa go be honest I am not sure what genre is this either! maybe adventure? thriller? I dont know :( BUT OMGGGGG POOR YVI just die! I mean she is not dead but still! 😭😭😭 I love how her friend is still trying to help her even though he knew it probably wouldnt change anything, it just shows me what a good friend he is! Also I like the description you make here, even I can feel the chilling coldness there! A good story overall :))

3 years
1

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