Tangled Threads

“We can’t tell anyone about this. Ever. Promise me,” Lilith’s eyes were glassy, tears lay trapped on her lashes as she frantically searched the face in front of her.

“Hayden!” A smack brought the face’s attention to her, But the eyes were vacant, the body frozen to the spot, the face drained of color, His lip trembled as sweat dripped from his brow.

Panic, Utter panic lay thickly in the forest clearing between them.

“We need to leave.” Lilith gasped, barely able to hold herself upright, using Hayden’s shoulders for support as she shook him.

“Hayden, say something,” She begged, eyes darting through the forest, trying to recognize her surroundings.

Hayden’s breathing was quick, his eyes unable to stay on her.

“Please, Hayden.” She said shaking him violently, she could feel him leaving her, his mind tumbling, going to places that were all too familiar.

She looked to the trees beyond, they felt so small and inconsequential now.

Hayden let out a sob - a jarring noise that seemed to catch him off guard and bring him back to his body.

“Lilith, it’s impossible.” He whispered, letting tears of confusion fall in the forest clearing, each drop a reminder that nothing would ever be the same.

Lilith placed her head on his chest. She inhaled a deep breath and pulled back, scrubbing at her face with muddy shaking hands. “Promise me, forget about this.” Her tone was rough and urgent as she pointed a finger at him.

Hayden nodded, knowing it was his only choice. “I promise Lilith,” She closed her eyes, and when she opened them, they were clear of dread.

“We’ll leave this place... and never come back,” She said almost to herself.

Lilith clasped at Hayden’s hand, he let her lead them out of the forest, both their palms clammy as they took stumbling steps forward.

-

A funeral can be many things. Hayden had come to think of them as the ending of that bittersweet final chapter as if the last page had been read.

He studied the worn pews in front of him, watching as light spilled in from impossibly high stained-glass windows -the kaleidoscope of mesmerizing patterns cruel, beautiful, and mocking. He lifted his head to see people dressed in blue, purple, and green. Little pops of color that David would have wanted, He picked at his black suit, it was all he had available in the chaos of traveling halfway across the world to be here.

People took their seats behind him and in front of him -equipped with a tissue in one hand and memorial paper in another, he didn’t dare look into their eyes but listened to the hushed mournful sentiments being spoken softly to each other, their voices suppressed in the heavy, suffocating musty air that can only be found in a church.

He found himself sitting straight, twisting towards the entrance as if his body knew when she was around before he did.

Hayden studied Lilith as she walked into the church, head up in defiance, back straight as she took long confident strides to the funeral director. Hayden sent every inch of will he had towards her. He swallowed the lump in his throat and held back his tears. Lilith locked eyes and gave a subtle nod of her head. Hayden tilted his head back. A simple gesture that said everything. I see you. I’m here.

Lilith took her place at the lectern, her breathing steady as she quietly began reading a tale of love and life. She spoke with elegance, emotion never spilling over the edges. Hayden knew she probably was coming off as cold, but he recognized it for what it was. A disconnection between herself and this moment.

The retreat.

It wasn’t until she finished did the bough break, for the both of them. Wiping at his eyes with his sleeve he watched as Lilith placed her fingers lightly over the coffin, heaving quietly as a chorus of similar sniffles and whimpers erupted quietly, reserved. No outbursts today, David wouldn’t have wanted such dramatics. Hayden’s mother sat beside him clasping at his hand tightly as if he too would disappear, dabbing a sodden tissue to her eyes.

As people filtered outside of the church, Hayden made his way to Lilith, filling the space beside her, “You could come with me, if you like?” He said standing beside her, looking forward as people followed the route to David’s resting place. His journeys end.

“No, no, I’ve got ...things to take care of, here, at work.” Lilith fiddled with the sleeves of her long green dress, unable to look at Hayden - her eyes scanning the crowd as they walked up the hillside, she was looking for someone who would not be there, would never be there again.

Hayden placed a gentle hand on her shoulder, halting her and forcing her to look at him.

His best friend. His muse, his truth, he looked at the bags under her eyes, could see her itching at her wrists, could see her little girl he found crying in the playground after the sun went down.

“Mom said you could stay with her if you feel like it.” Hayden could feel her shake from underneath him.

“Does she need a ride home?” His mother had asked him that day, all of them unaware of the flashing blue lights and terrible truths that awaited her.

Hayden wondered if the news of David brought back the same memories for her. How could they not? It seemed vicious to him, that she should have to do this again.

The death of her parents caused a slow spiral, sowing seeds in childhood before branching out furiously into her teenage years, before anyone could comprehend how deep the roots were, it was almost too late to pull them up. But she did, and Hayden had weathered the storm beside her...a luxury of youth.

“Thank you for making it,” Lilith said, giving Hayden a squeeze on his arm before she all but ran away as his Mother approached them.

The avoidance.

“She should come home, you both should.” His mother stated from beside him, snapping him from reverie.

Home. The home that was once only full of him and his brothers, the home that had slowly transformed over the decades to incorporate an orphan girl, the home that he and Lilith grew up in. The one they both vowed never to return to.

“She’ll be alright Mom.” He bit his lip, unsure as they watched Lilith hug and console David’s friends. Guilt hit him, he should have been beside her, sharing his grief with those who knew him best.

Friends Hayden had wished he had met under different circumstances, friends he wished he wasn’t too busy to meet when David offered. Friends he should have made after the monthly invites to poker nights. All he had to connect him to David was Lilith, but she had already begun to put up a wall, and that made him feel even more distant and disconnected from the moment.

“And what about you?” His mother quizzed. Hayden stilled, he thought he was okay, thought he would be fine, even as nightmares of ropes and razor-blades, of smashed vodka bottles and the unless void of the night sky plagued him, awaking in a cold sweat every night since he heard of Davids passing. He would be okay, he had to be, in case she wasn’t.

“Cars ready” Paige, his assistant said quietly from behind them, her eyes red-rimmed. He had spent the last hour making his way around the room, offering his condolences, sharing what little sentiments he could. He graciously accepted the compliments of his work, even if it did make him feel sick - they were using him as a distraction, Whatever helped them he thought as he signed a copy of his book for one of David’s nieces. He vaguely remembered David mentioning that his sister’s daughters were fans of his work, Had probably even promised a signed copy to them long ago. He had left it too late again.

He looked around for Lilith - It was usually so easy to find her in a crowd but his eyes couldn’t focus amongst the sea of people sharing drinks and memories.

He should have canceled his plans, should have postponed his work, should have stayed with her. But life called to him, he had chapters he was still writing, despite how nostalgic it felt.

Hayden’s mother placed a hand over Paige’s cheek, wiping away a tear, “Look after him pet,” She said,

“Always do Mrs Hicks,” Paige responded with a nod in Haydens direction.

-

Hayden reclined in the white leather seat of his chartered jet, his pen flicking back and forth on the notebook in his lap. He looked out to the black night sky from his window. It reminded him of his mind, the missing pieces in-between the stars. The funeral left him empty, hallow.

No grand ideas came to him, no captivating characters and twists of plots so thick it had won him accolades. There was nothing but the story he had buried, the place he avoided, and the events he promised never to write.

His thoughts traveled to Lilith. As they so often did when he was looking to the night sky that connected them.