The Ok Girl

“Thank you Daniel, that was lovely. Now, the little miss on the left”, Mr Khong, my new English teacher, had his gaze settled on me, a small but warm smile playing on his lips. “Why don’t you stand up and introduce yourself?” My heart started to quicken in pace. An unsettling smile crept its way onto my face. My two stubby legs were shaking, but I was still able to stand. I brushed my blackish-crimson hair away to reveal my left light blue eye, but kept my other eye hidden and gave everyone a shy wave. “H-hi, … I’m Rose”, I managed to stutter out. My cheeks glowed rose red. I bet you can tell, I’m not good at being social.

Mr Khong was doing what any teacher does during the first of any school, torture the kids to stand up and have them being stared down by eyeballs, asking them to say three things about themselves. I was never fond of this kind of activity because no one would care if I went to Egypt before or if I had a pet dog or if I had been on top of the Eiffel Tower. After the first few days, it would be out of their minds by then. Besides, I wasn’t very social. I like to stay home and read books instead of going to parties or shopping malls. But teachers were the dictators of their own classrooms, so I had no say.

“Rose,” Mr Khong’s lips echoed, “Rose, what a nice name, the name of the timeless and romantic bloom” he said like a poet, even though I wasn’t into romance too much. “Tell us, what are three things about yourselves?”.

Instantly, three things struck my head.

Number one, I had parents that would come back drunk every day. My mother was a stay home mother who just lays on the couch, drinking beer and screams at the TV whenever she sees a red bull ad. Even though we were poor, she would refuse to get a job. My father wasn’t any better. He works at a small casino and would occasionally come back in debt. As you could imagine, having drunk parents was never motivating for me to come home, and sometimes if I was unlucky, they would try to hurt me.

Number two, I never had friends. I only had bullies. Bullies that would lurk around me, calling me names like “Loner”, “Freak” and even “Loser”. Coming up to someone and talking for at least a minute is something impossible for me to achieve, either because I was just socially awkward, or I was just strange. Besides, I like to spend time by myself. I’d prefer a good book over a trip to the shopping mall, and sometimes, your friends could become your worst enemy. I guess I wanted to go to school as much as I wanted to go home.

Finally number three, since my parents were drunk and better at losing than earning money, I had to work. I also had to cook, clean and do nearly everything around the house. Sometimes, I would look at other kid’s fathers and mothers and laugh at myself. I’m the one taking care of the children in the bodies of people in their 40s.

“Hello? Rose?” Mr Khong asked me. I jumped a bit as I escaped my mind prison. I started to feel the eyeballs, giving me stares that could end me. “Oh umm…” What would a normal kid say? What would a normal kid say? “I-I went to see the sky tower during the holidays.” That was a lie, I spent the holidays being forced to learn how to gamble by my father. I felt my cheeks glow hotter red. “I have a pet fish.” Another lie, last time a fish had enough courage to enter our home, it ended up being flushed down the toilet as soon as they stepped on our doorstep. “And I - I always wanted to show my creativity, like writing a book. Or something.” That wasn’t a lie, I had a dream to show my thinking. Too bad I couldn’t.

Mr Khong had his eyes locked on me, his eyebrows rose up, and it gave me a shiver. The rose red spread across my face. Was he interested in me? Did I do something wrong? Had I shown him something bad? “Is that so Rose?” he started to stroll left and right. “Well I’m writing a book too.” he said, “I named it Below, maybe I could give you some tips.”. I felt like he was waiting for a response after that, but all I could do was nod my head and play with the corners of my sleeves. I wanted to squirm back into the seat and stay there for the rest of class. The sweat beads really showed that my mind was pleading for it. After a gap of silence, he nods his head, allowing me to sit down. “I’m sure that you could write your own book one day, that was pleasant Rose.” All my body wanted to do was slam my head onto the desk.

I felt like melting on the desk.

A tap on my arm called me as I looked to my right. A girl with long brown hair and emerald green eyes looked at my tomato face. My face flushed as I saw how pretty she was. “You good?” Her voice was so sweet.

I could tell her I wasn’t, and give her a lecture on my degrading life.

But I couldn’t let the truth just slip out of my mouth. I’ve hidden this horrible truth inside me for fourteen years and I hid them under a nod and two words.

“I’m Ok”.

When my fifth grade teacher asked me if I was alright when I was crying in a corner, I just said “I’m ok”. When I was forced to see a therapist and he asked me if I was alright, I just said “I’m ok”. When I was rescued after I got locked inside a locker and the rescuer asked me if I was alright, I just said “I’m ok”. I had to hide the fact that I was anything but fine.

Because if I didn’t, I couldn’t afford people worrying about me.

So I went back to planting my face and silently sulking.

After more of my classmates introduced themselves, my ears perked up when the bell rang. Finally, I could get some fresh air. I flicked my hoodie on, snatched my bag and dashed out to the halls. The halls started to get more crowded with a lot more rowdy students, and I could barely see where I was going.

And then, someone bumped into me so hard, it sent me tumbling onto the floor. I turned around and rubbed my forehead, that left me a bump. “Sorry!” I attempted to apologize, but the voice hinted to me that it wasn’t me who should be sorry. “Watch where you’re going freak!” a raspy voice echoed in my ears. I could never get confused from that voice.

Mason Joe Drew.

That name only brought back World War Two flashbacks.

My head could only twist so slowly to see his smug face, filled with malicious intent. He was your average popular kid in middle school, always surrounded by his goons like they were his personal bodyguards. He had slick golden hair that he played with occasionally. He had a great build and his skin was flawless, so it wasn’t a surprise at all to see he was a girl magnet too. To make himself look like he was the king, he would only target the unpopular kids, and being an introvert myself, I fell into his radar.

I quivered and shuffled back to a wall. I could hear snickers around me. There were some pitiful murmurs, but they were covered by the laughs and whispering. This world can be cruel. “How about you use the other eye too? Maybe then you could watch out from my friends. Where is yours?” His goons laughed and high fived that jerk. A tear rolled down my cheek as I tried to steady my breathing. Even the others started to back away from me.

Just like in Middle School.

To my pieces of luck I had left, a tall blonde girl, around my age stood in front of me, her feet placed firmly on the ground. “Hey” she spoke out with a voice of a leader, with a hint of bloodlust, “leave her alone”. It even made Mason blush a bit. The eyes switched from me, to him in a flash, so he just placed his hands into his pockets and walked away, waving to signal his goons to come follow him along. “Pfff, whatever.”

But he couldn’t look weak, so he had one final glance at me, his fingers pointing at his eyes and then flicked to mine. I swore his lips read “Just like last year…”

As I managed to get up, still shaking in my boots, I slowly approached my dame. “T-thanks”, I managed to squeak out, but the words caught in my throat. The girl turned to me, her skin was so smooth and her smile was so sweet. She was like a role model for the fashion magazines. “Hey it’s no problem sweetie, are you alright?” she asked. I managed to force a smile that felt as brittle as glass. My eyes left hers and my hoodie flicked back up, the shadow casting over my eyes. “Yeah, I’m ok”.

And then I just walked away, my eyes glued to the ground and hands in pockets. I didn’t even bat an eye back.

“Hello Miss?” A croaky voice spoke to me as someone tapped on my shoulder and sent an electric shock around my body. I quickly turned around, and found a small old lady right behind me. “Do you know where the baked bean cans are?”. I breathed out a sense of relief and pointed to my right side. “The baked bean cans are in aisle 5 miss” I said. “Thank you young lady” she chirped and waddled her way away.

Yes, I work at a grocery store close to the school. The salary is somewhat decent, according to google. I was able to bring food to the table everyday and had barely enough to cover rent and buy a laptop for school. I guess the manager was a bit sympathetic. I work at least three hours per day, placing cans on shelves, cleaning messes, and if I saw a black cat or walked under a ladder, working at the counter.

So when I saw the hour hand point at seven, I changed back to my hoodie, took my bag, and left with my pay, and some dinner to bring home. As I left the store, the brisk wind brushed past my face and my ears lightened to the sounds of chirping birds and playful children, but I could never enjoy it. I’m going home to babysit my parents.

I just hope they didn’t have more than five bottles of beer today.

Walking home was always a breather, I could slowly enjoy the surroundings of the neighborhood, the smell of fresh air and the mouth-drooling sausages nearby, and during fall, the falling leaves were always smoothing.

There was a large park in the town, and occasionally, I couldn’t resist stopping for a moment and watching the children play around, some with their parents. Tears would threaten to sting my eyes everytime I watched.

But once I arrive at a small worn-down house with 3 broken windows, my soul gets ripped out of me.

I slowly open the front door of the house, using my eye to take a peek if they were rowdy and ready to kill me. The door sent a loud creak. “I-I’m home!”

“Good! Cause I can’t stand Doug’s stomach yelling anymore!”

“Oh shut up Ella, not like your belly was doing that too!”

“Ohh! So now you’re mister big guy now huh?”

“SHOVE IT!”

I guess I got a little lucky today.

They kept arguing with each other while I started to make their dinner, but thankfully they stopped during dinner. As I poked on my meatball, my father knocked near my plate. “Rose, how about some blackjack after dinner?” my father said, I could smell the strong alcohol scent crawl out of his mouth. “Father,” I said as I pinched my nose and squeezed my eyes, I knew what he wanted, “how much did you lose this time?”

“A few hundred” he said sheepishly, but I could see through his eyes.

“Don’t sugarcoat it Doug, you buffoon. Two thousand and four hundred is not a few!”

“Hey! It would have been a few hundred if Jack didn’t rig the damn dice!”

And they went back to arguing.

I don’t ever think they would stop.

After dinner, they went back to taking over the couch, with fresh bottles of beer, still arguing. I just sighed and finished placing away the dishes, walked to my room and closed the door. All I had in my room was a bed and a small desk, all we could afford. I looked at my jar of coins, many months of hard earned cash. As I took it from my desk, my face reflected on the glass. And now, my father needed about half of the money here.

And now I was worried that we couldn’t survive the rent.

I layed on the bed after putting the jar aside. Looking outside at my broken window, the sky had a clear view, holding a beautiful waxing moon, something I could well relax under. Usually I would be doing my homework, but the teachers weren’t brutal enough to send homework during our first day, so luckily for me, I had time for myself.

But as I opened my book, my mother barged in my room. “ROSE!” she roared, and made all my hair perk up. She looked at me like she had something to yell, but as she looked at my book, her eyes reddened with terror. “Again Rose?” she shouted, as she snatched the book out of her hands,

and thrusted it out the window.

I felt like someone shot my heart, as I crunched my hand on my chest and my eyeballs wetted. “We are running out of money and now you bought this?” her voice shook the house, then her face came closer to my nose until I could hear her breath. “You know my rules and you’ll follow them under my roof. UNDERSTAND?!”

Her chilling voice was sending me electric jolts. I was so shaken up, I could only stutter out “y-yes mother.”

And with a huff, she left me alone and slammed my door. I was left breathing heavier than trucks, my heart was trying to destroy my ribcage. I could hear her mumble something outside the door, “what potential did you have anyways?”

I wanted to feel angry, I wanted to give her a piece of my mind. We wouldn’t be so poor if you got a job instead of swallowing the couch, we wouldn’t be here if father just threw his money.

I heaved a large sigh, as tears trickled down my face.

And I had potential, even if I had that.

I faced outside and away from the door, and let my eyes carry me to slumber. My life was miserable. It could be better than hell, but it wasn’t far from it. As I glanced at the moon once again before my eyes closed. No, I was alright.

They didn’t worry, because I was ok.

You didn’t need to worry, I was ok.

My eyes closed lightly.

Maybe tomorrow will be more ok.