My thoughts

Since 2020 my family dynamic has deviated. I used to see my cousins, Aunts, and Uncles way more. There was an authentic relationship between love and sealant. Time, school, and jobs, and with some family members being aged and can't drive I understood I would see them less often. A month ago, my Mother and I got invited to a Baby shower via text. This is my cousin's wife who is pregnant. This is my father's side of the family. We were thrilled to go so we accepted the invite. A few days beforehand, I drove to Burlington and found a cute brown dress to wear.

Pauline aka the mom-to-be, that's her name. Pauline is originally from Lebanon and she's such a sweetheart. From time to time she would always text me, asking me how I was doing, and inviting me to her vacation house in Lebanon. She always went out of her way to make sure that I knew she cared about me. She has a very flattering and welcoming demeanor. After months of texting. That swoon dwindled out, I would find myself reaching out first. I know she's pregnant with her first child now, she's more busy than ever. But I noticed a difference in how she talks to me. She used to be more friendly and more talkative. Now it's like we're coworkers or something and just make the text messages proper. I know we don't hang out, but I always told her she's more than welcome to come over. It feels like I lost a friend.

Once I arrived, getting through with all my hellos and how are yous? I noticed specific clicks were sitting at tables. A few of my cousins just said hello and overlooked me for the rest of the evening when they hadn't seen me in a very long time. Not that we were ever close or hung out as friends but in the past, they were more congenial with me and my Mom. The cold shoulder was illustrated in our faces, it was very clear what was occurring. Of course, I and my mom felt awkward but we kept it classy and showed we weren't going to let them pollute our evening. Pauline and I just said hello, and stole a few photos together and the conversation was very diminutive. I know she was happy to see me, and I understand it was her party and she had to socialize with everyone, not just me. I'm not mad, I'll always care about her but the connection is lost. And I don’t mean to just single her out, there’s other cousins as I mentioned where we don’t have a connection anymore. I have a first cousin who I was apart of her bridal party. She wanted me to be her maid of honor but I was seventeen at the time. I had to be eighteen to be maid of honor. She was at the party and only said Hi and walked away. Now I understand just because you’re family does not mean someone has to like you or be friends with you, but you can at least show some respect. My mom and I are always kind and respect everyone and haven’t done anything personally to any of our family from either side.

I hate to think this way, and I can’t believe I’m even typing it. I’m not going to name names, but there’s some people, keyword some, not everyone. On my dad’s side of the family if you’re not 100% Arab then you are treated as a mutt , they don’t see you as equal. Now my family isn’t racist. For instance, I’m Palestinian, Lebanese and Italian. Because I’m half Italian, to them it means I’m not a pure Arab. Which is a ridiculous hypothesis. I feel also that’s why they ignore my Mother because she’s full-bred Italian. I truly hate to think this way but that's how we feel. Again not all my family members are like this, I have a few arab Italian cousins too. I love my family regardless and I'm not saying this to bash them I'm just saying this on what I observe. That's the bottom line.

Just a day ago, I followed my cousin on Instagram. He's way younger than me, he's only eighteen. He's Italian and his mother is Jewish. As soon as I started posting about the genocide in Gaza he removed me from following him. I understand he's still a kid in some ways, but to remove me for speaking up for humanity? He and I never had any issues, when we see each other, we talk endlessly and laugh and talked about the good old days when we would play in our uncle's apartment. I know he's not obligated to follow me or vice versa, to me it's a little weird and objectionable. Because I would never treat him the way he treated me and I know it's just social media it's nothing to take personal but I do take it personal. We always invited you to our home, my parents and I got you Christmas gifts to and you and your sister! We went out of way to make you feel like at home. His sister also didn’t bother me to even follow me back on Instagram. I specifically had my account on public for a while so everyone knows who it is. I just texted her a week ago wishing her a happy birthday and congratulations on passing her permit test. I know as beach babe said times have changed even with family gatherings and relationships me and my parents will no longer go out of our way for people anymore. With that situation I felt it was best to just delete Instagram. I know I have friends I can follow but I’m not going to be on any social media app and follow people who clearly don’t want to be in my life. I get my cousins are younger, what the hell would they have in common with me anyway? I get that. But damn don’t treat people like shit especially to those who respected you and cared for you.

I love my cousins regardless and wish them nothing but the best in life but I can’t make people see my worth, and I can’t force people to be friends with me or have a conversation with me. My grandma who will be 97 soon, who always been the glue to my family on my dads side said “once I’m gone the family isn’t going to see or talk to each other anymore.” It’s unfortunate it’s happening already. My grandma predicted it a while back. I know a lot of people out there who don’t speak to family members , it’s a common thing I guess I’m hurt because I expected a different outcome. Aside from family, no one is obligated to like me or want to be a friend. I realize that as i get older it’s hard to find people who have the same morals and interests as I do. I might not be everyone’s cup of tea. And I’m okay with that, I can deal with that. Maybe I’m not the party goer and adventurous like some people are. But I’m not going to change my image or personality just to please someone else.